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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

constantly arguing about housework I've had enoough

87 replies

complexo · 01/09/2012 20:23

He thinks he doesnt have to do any fucking thing if he doesn't feel like it and I know this exactly the way his father behaves so it is down to the way he has been brought up and isn't gonna change. I would rather being a single mother than spend my life wasting my time cleaning after a grown man.

OP posts:

LadySybildeChocolate · 01/09/2012 23:28

I think you need to be brave and tell him, complex. Don't leave it down to him to leave you.

Original poster

complexo · 01/09/2012 23:28

I said many times

OP posts:

Original poster

complexo · 01/09/2012 23:35

He makes such a drama puts himself in a victim light. I was his 1st girlfriend and apparently he never had sex with anybody else. I know how hard it is for him to accept I want out. If he finds someone to love and appreciate him things might be easier.

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LemarchandsBox · 01/09/2012 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

complexo · 01/09/2012 23:50

I know. I'm bad like this. But I can't admit in RL thses thoughts really are in my mind.

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LemarchandsBox · 01/09/2012 23:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

complexo · 01/09/2012 23:58

Isn't bad wish other person dead specially the father of your daughter?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/09/2012 00:03

Complexo, your thoughts, wishes and feelings cannot jinx, hex or cause a person to fall ill, die, etc.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 02/09/2012 00:05

Perhaps you should ask for this to be moved to Relationships where some very wise posters hang out and will advise you.

LemarchandsBox · 02/09/2012 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

complexo · 02/09/2012 00:13

Thanks

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HaveALittleFaith · 02/09/2012 07:16

I've suggested MN HQ move this to relationships so you get the support and advice you need over there without repeating yourself.

I agree though. I rarely suggest someone walks away. Unless he might agree to counselling so you can work together to come up with compromises (which I guess is unlikely?) I think you leaving is the best option. Find somewhere smaller but practical for work - there are landlords who will agree to you running your business out of there. Alternatively you could see if another childminder near you would agree to you bringing your business into their work place for a small fee? It might be worth talking to Women's Aid for advice on your finances.

Original poster

complexo · 02/09/2012 10:23

Maybe stopping CM and getting a job would be easier as I don't see me being CM in the long term anyway. I suggested counselling he won't go. When I suggested he could be depressed he says he doesn't trust doctors...I hate people saying these things..who is he not to trust doctors. What makes me despair is that his mother keeps saying he is just like his father and Iv can see it too and honestly I would rather be dead than live with someone like his father. For years now I'm trying to make him see that we would be happier apart and just last week for the things he is saying it seems he is realising he deserves to be happy and loved and breaking the vowels of 'til death do us apart' is not such a big deal in the grand scheme of life. Maybe I will suggest counselling again so we can talk about our issues away from dd and with mediation. Tbh even if he change his ways all the respect, spark and sexual interest is gone so there is no point.

OP posts:

LemarchandsBox · 02/09/2012 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

complexo · 02/09/2012 13:38

It is over. My daughter woke up in the morning and said dad is awake but already with the ipad, he just cares about the ipad. He promised taking her out and at 12 she was still waiting. So massive row again and after one hour and a threat of throwing a heavy lap top at me (the only thing in front of him nothing to do with the computer) also a treat of punching me in the face (he says it wasn't a threat because he said 'he wish he could instead of he wanted or was going to do it) after calling me a fucking idiot many times and telling me to shut up because I just speak bullshit and throwing his weeding band and telling me to stick up in my ass twice - all in front of my daughter - he decided he will leave because I don't love him enough to do his dishes and pick up few socks. He doesn't get it does him? He says I ruined the family life by becoming a CM (but admits that we paid 2 huge debits and went to 2 nice holidays nice goods and improved financial life with my working money) and t is all my fault after all specially since I was married before and the guy had to run away with other woman and this proves how bad I am. Charming. I fear for the future but we and specially Dd can't leave like this anymore. He says he will be back to his mother's. Let's see how she will put up with his shit. Maybe she won't mind after all is down the way she educated him anyway.

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Original poster

complexo · 02/09/2012 13:43

He left with dd. Before that he made up the bed and cleaned the floor. Than he asks me if he should wash the cereal bowl and my coffee mug..... And this was a serious question..he really doesn't get it what a prick. .he done all the cleaning because we were fighting obviously but he says he would do anyway...bollocks. I have been out and about with dd for 3 days in a row and all he did was more messy and ipad. Is this normal or I'm the problem? Honestly guys.

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MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 02/09/2012 14:08

Hi, we've moved this into Relationships. Thanks.

Original poster

complexo · 02/09/2012 15:28

I'm starting to doubt myself now.....

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LemarchandsBox · 02/09/2012 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

complexo · 02/09/2012 16:53

He took her to soft play and they are back now. Only 5 minutes in the house nothing has been said yet. He started organising for his work tomorrow, gathering uniform etc. I'm ok just very confused.

OP posts:

LemarchandsBox · 02/09/2012 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doha · 02/09/2012 17:41

Ask him when he going to his mothers.. His answer wil tell you if he is just spouting out a load of shite

Original poster

complexo · 02/09/2012 17:45

I knew he didn't mean going to his parents today but when we finally DO split. I don't think there isn't anymore chances I can give after being swore at like that in front of dd. It isn't the first time but it is more like an impulsive behaviour due the way things were is his house when he was growing up and I know how to push buttons too, but I'm not justifying him and his behaviour. I have learn with time to control myself and play games as I has relationships before and he hasn't. But I don't want to hear the f+ word every time there is a discussion he loses his temper very quickly. I refuse to be like his mother not only cleaning after him but taking crap from him. I see the way his mum sucks up a lot of crap from his dad for the sake of not start a fight or for not ruin Christmas or a day out etc. I'm the opposite. Anyway dd is worried and asking questions, he is back in the bedroom probably with the ipad or gathering his thoughts together. Shame the holidays finished this way,

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mameulah · 02/09/2012 17:51

If I was you I would keep my head down and quietly start stashing money away so I could leave on my terms. Even if it takes you six months or a year you will know you are working your way towards a light at the end of the tunnel. I absolutely would not put up with that either. But leave on your terms and make sure you nip his head often enough that when you do leave he knows exactly why. But don't wind yourself up expecting him to change. And whenever you know you have the money and ability to leave don't give him any warning. You don't want him to confuse you by suddenly bathing each night for a couple of weeks and making you think that things will be different. You and your daughter deserve more, go and get it!

Original poster

complexo · 02/09/2012 18:06

Yep. I have total control over the accounts so I will seriously start making my nest now. Will get advice on benefits. Keep a diary. I wrote a letter to myself almost 2 years ago stating why I wanted out and things were worse back than but I think I threw the letter away...need to go and look for it too. He will be back to work tomorrow and I will start being busy and even look for work so I can leave CMinding. Im$ currently on holiday as mindees are too. I knew I could defo push his buttons call the police get shelter and housing very quickly. But won't do it for the sake of dd and I want to keep in this area. I wouldn't want to take the place of people who perhaps need it more than I do tbh.

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