Had enough-toxic mother, difficulties with Dh/dc, stuck overseas

[Salbertina]

Dont know where to start! Overwhelmed, want to escape them all..go back to better version of old Uk life with a job to go to, adults to speak to, sense of purpose...
Underlying it all tho is the huge hole inside me which my kind mother seems v recently to have uncovered. I've posted about her before but am finding it increasingly difficult to rationalise/excuse/ignore her cruel, narcissistic attacks, even with therapy..j feel so isolated and alone. Have fun friends here but no real ones I think, all in uk.

i think i read somewhere too that narcissist parents typically love their kids unconditionally when they are very young, but often once adolescene arrives, they cant handle it

this was our 'home' growing up

and both parents were teachers, so in my view, should have very much KNOWN BETTER than to lash out at home to release their stresses and picking fights with their children

disgusted, but coping and looking forward to a clean clear future with my own kids, making damn sure i never ever treat them in the way we were treated

home is supposed to be a place of comfort, a refuge, a place to chill and be nurtured

focus on providijng this for yourself and ypur own kids, and let your parents get lost, so to speak. harsh but necessary. i have reduced contact, i still feel obliged to visit occassionally and speak on the phone but last time i visited, she took my son to the barber and got his curls cut off when she offered to babysit while i went shopping one morning, then i arrived back another visit and having left my handbag at home (stupidly) i found that my wallet/purse had been snooped in/ rearranged ever so neatly ( i am not a neat person!)

so this is what i deal with when i DO visit, so its only natural that i think, ok, reduced contact is the ONLY way to protect myself and my privacy and my life

sorry long post!

this thread may also help you

www.care2.com/greenliving/4-ways-to-deal-with-a-narcissistic-mother.html

sorry wrong link

THIS is the Stately Homes thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1393943-But-We-Took-You-To-Stately-Homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

Oh madda, that handbag thing is a actually quite finisher poor you.
Think you're doing well to keep low contact.
My dm also a teacher but for her I think this explains a lot- she taught so cd boss adoring little kids around all day. And not bother too much w adults/older kids

Thanks for links, they're helpful. Also a lot on I think psychology today online on this, plus books Difficult Mothers and Children of the Self-absorbed .

Sorry, sinister! iPhone conspires against me!

sinister, yes, didnt think of it like that at the time, was so angry but managed to not say a word, as that is perhaps what she wanted

but she knows NO BOUNDARIES, I was so hurt when she took DS to the barber, I did have a huge argument with her at dinner table, my dad yelled at me, she sat there and just said, meekly, with a strange look in her eyes, 'oh well I'm sorry Madda, so very very sorry'

WEIRD

staying away, and dreading the Christmas season already...want to have Christmas in our own home here, just the kids and DH, but already know I'll ve expected to visit them or worse, invite them here. But want my kids to have Christmas Eve at home, in their own home, Santa visits their own home, right?!!! Why should they have every christmas in someone elses home?!!!

rambling

I guess maybe she's perversely trying (wrongly) to mother her grandson or "help" you in some way?
Not rambling, don't worry- can understand the Christmas dilemma which is why we're overseas well too actually, feels a little hollow and wd love to see dMIL and nephews then

no salbertina
she has often spoken of how her own mother deliberately cut off her curls as a child...THAT is how perverse she is. She did it to get a reaction, she knows I love DS curls. Sad!

anyway, a new day, going to make it a good one, and take it easy if I can. Too many mundane chores to do though, but hoping for a walk on the beach in a little while, (it's my peaceful place)

Gosh, madda v sorry to hear that, that seems malicious

That DBT link was v interesting, Frida
I like the flash cards and 'elfs', might even print some out to put in my handbag ESP for "distress tolerance" when am feeling a little fragile...
Seems quite a link to BDp as if wholly caused by our sorts of childhood ...don't know what to think

Yes, bpd does seem to have major links to inconsistent/invalidating parenting.
I glad you found the link useful and feel free to pm me anytime. Sounds like we have quite similar past and present issues going on.

Thanks, Frida , certainly quite a lot in common. May PM, feel free to also.

I was abroad with DH's work. It's easy to become depressed as you lose any control you have over your life ie you are not living where you want to, you are not working at what you want to, you do not have friends for support and companionship like you would normally have, there are possibly not the social groups/clubs that you would have in the uk and the upshot is extreme frustration (imv) and thus depression. Meanwhile DH is living exciting new life with new job and colleagues.
So perhaps your DM is taking a bigger part of your life than she would if you had the life you would choose for yourself because of this emptiness caused by being abroad.
Not sure what the answer is except you could do some voluntary work or distance learning with a view to having a more fulfilling life there.

So true, May an oddly isolating situation for all it can look like the life of Riley...
Am studying and have done voluntary work.. Something but not quite same, no colleagues, status, sense of satisfaction or pay! Just need to do what I can before we go, not cut out to be an expat wife and we're losing £1,000s in lost income/increased expenditure per year just to BE here. Sorry on a pity party, still not sleeping ATM. Been drafting reply to DMs mail- May, you're right, her significance in my life has grown as my life has narrowed in scope

Hi OP, I can relate to this. I'm an expat wife too, and it was this move overseas a few years ago that put my relationship with my parents into clear perspective.

DM is v reserved (stiff upper-lip, cold, relates to animals better than people, poss AS (it's in the family)) and DF is self-absorbed. They failed to grasp that moving abroad is a huge thing, had no idea that it might be difficult, still expected me to ring them regularly in order for them to give me their regular updates on their theatre visits, their friends' antics, their health, their dogs' health, and their neighbours. Still made the snidey remarks about how I was "a bit naughty about staying in touch" and as I am over 50 I don't think "a bit naughty" is relevant any more!

I have detached a bit. I grieve for the parental relationship that I could've had but never did. I try to give my DC the kind of unconditional love and support that I haven't had.

Funnily enough until I was mid-thirties I thought my family was completely normal.

I could completely imagine my DF saying the comment your DM made to your
DH and then writing the email you received from her. Very stiff, very proper, very trying TO BE SEEN to do the right thing but massively lacking in compassion.

Was talking to an old UK friend about this the other day whose relationship with her parents is similarly dysfunctional. We wondered whether it's a post-war thing - repressing all emotions and being frosty.

Goodness knows.

Anyway, and to all of us, and I shall watch this thread with interest.

Titiwanga, I can hugely identify with your comment 'until I was in my mid-thirties I thought my family was completely normal'

I am currently in my mid-thirties, 2 young DCs, and everything was completely normal or so I thought, but this year has been a complete spincycle/tumble dry

Since having DCs something has clicked with how I was not parented properly. And it has taken me a long time to process the memories and horrific flashbacks of my elder sister getting 'disciplined' with a stick in our home. By my mother. I would term it 'common assault' now that I am an adult living my own life. I am disgraced and disgusted that she will now still not admit anything was wrong...it is frustrating and the flashbacks are awful, but thankfully with the help of therapy and medication I am feeling much stronger. But SO angry

For me, it is everything to me that my DCs are respected, that their voices are heard, and they feel understood as they grow in our home. I will make sure I never parent the way they chose to do it for years and years.

Sorry OP thread hijack. rant over.

Not a hijack at all, Madda, good to
Compare tho really distressing story, can imagine how hard must be handling flashbacks.. how's your dsis in all this? Is she getting help? It is fab IMHO how supportive you are of her- at the expense of yr relationship w ur dm, doesn't always happen that est, golden child/scapegoat...
I thought my family was normal till recently also - but thatI wasn't taken a lot to realise its family dysfunction not mine as such

Salbertina, just because there are more of them all alike doesn't make US the wrong ones.

I'm 44, just realised that my family is dysfunctional. Stopped talking to Dsis, and my dad, Mum is clinging on for now, but that situation may very well change.

In the end I will be on my own, and I will be better for it. Not having dad and sister in my life has allowed me so much more space for good people.

i was the bad one, the problem one, the fat one (wasn't) I'm reading the Beverley Engles book Cutting the Cycle of Abuse (IIRC) it's very good, and has highlighted to me a few more things they did that are actually abuse.

It's not our fault, and we have to remember that we are good human beings, we are kind, loving, considerate, caring, we help others and want the best for those around us. People like our families won't understand that! That woudl show THEM up, WE would make them look bad. So make US look bad = THEY look good.

there is nothing wrong with us. far from it. Know that and hold onto it. The problem is THEIR choice to be mean/cruel/rude/dysfunctional.

Thanks, hissy, sorry to hear about yr family

In my case ad trying to balance avoidance of black or white thinking a la dm, on advice of therapist yet and also now standing up to her, gulp, and assigning blame where it's due!
A couple of days ago, sent her a letter in reply to her mail(as earlier in the thread) . No beating around the bush, just told her how I'd felt and feel now and how she was abusive..
God only knows how it's being received! I honestly don't want to hurt her but I do need her to hear how v much shed hurt me over the years.
This may be it. We shall see.

I doubt it. You will probably receive a letter outlining how much you've hurt her, how unstable you are... Did someone already send you the below on NPD mothers?

"Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

She rarely says right out that she thinks you're inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you've done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn't live through her abuse would never believe the connection. ....

If you try to confront her about something she's done, she'll tell you that you have "a very vivid imagination" (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don't know what you're talking about, or that she has no idea what you're talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called "gas lighting," common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.

My mother flatly denies everything. I think she actually believes it too.

they are sick, they are not decent people to have around.

I know, I know but for my own self worth and self development, am trying to move away from labels-NPD etc-as well as black and white thinking...just my thinking right now as recommended by therapist, not advocating it for anyone ekse.
Just that I've been eaten up with all this toxicity- my letter of reply was a release, got me, of much anger and hurt. I'm not necessarily expecting a reply but don't think that daughters website the place for me right now, am trying to move on.

I totally get that, I'm so bored of having to deal with the fall out of the faults, inadequacies and evil doing by my relatives, i get fed up having to pay hundreds of quid to recover from knowing them.

Far more constructive to focus on yourself, saying what you need to say, being happy with who you are and getting yourself happy, healthy and loved as you deserve to be.

That's a lovely message, Hissy , glad I'm not alone - though sorry to hear your dm being such a letdown.
IKWYM re £100s on recovery- feel like forwarding the bill on, would be most fair! But am trying to be positive (tho as per my new thread, not really working..yet)
I feel I'm carrying all this and can't share it..in any way -stigma, people just don't 'get' it which makes it worse and everyone feel bad. therefore feel am rather bundled up in not v well suppressed negativity ATM/ just bubbling below the surface - thank you therapy! Whereas before was repressed -not healthy but easier for daily interactions! What to do????

And to be happy with who i am! That would be lovely tho don't know if I'll ever get there, too scarred and stuck in my ways.
Stupidly keep re-reading my letter/Dms mail wondering when will respond, if at all.
I just want to be free -healthily- of it all! Such a mind-fuck!