Had enough-toxic mother, difficulties with Dh/dc, stuck overseas

[Salbertina]

Dont know where to start! Overwhelmed, want to escape them all..go back to better version of old Uk life with a job to go to, adults to speak to, sense of purpose...
Underlying it all tho is the huge hole inside me which my kind mother seems v recently to have uncovered. I've posted about her before but am finding it increasingly difficult to rationalise/excuse/ignore her cruel, narcissistic attacks, even with therapy..j feel so isolated and alone. Have fun friends here but no real ones I think, all in uk.

Good for you, Noddy! But can I ask again, how?? It's different from a difficult friend or even partner, isn't it? Seems almost a denial of self somehow.
Maybe its my lack of resilience speaking, just weak is all! At least according to dm, df and at cbt woman...

I think you should tell her that you are very busy atm and have a lot on and can't cope with her negativity. Then leave the ball in her court. I have kind of done this but I know my mum won't contact me at all she just cuts anyone out who challenges her so I know what the outcome will be.Do you have good friends in the UK? Can you move back?

All the best with it, noddy. Sounds likes plan. Yes, have a couple of good friends in uk, can move back eventually but lead time of a good few months I imagine to sort accommodation both ends, schools, 2x. Jobs, pets, flights

I actually think I might say- I will no longer accept you saying X and therefore won't be in contact till such and such a date, setting MY clear boundaries in other words. I know if I said "her negativity" she'd bring it back to blaming me, i need to be clear and specific

Good luck. My mum said something awful to me and I overlooked it. after about the 5th time I asked her what she meant and all hell broke loose but I think I knew she would do this so probably secretly wanted it. Dp said it was only a matter of time no one could take her criticism like I have but I kept quiet for years. If you think that will work go for it my mum just takes that as green light to stop contact as she has done with virtually everyone she knows! And all her children bar one her favourite

I am better, I am still on anti-depressants. and do not plan to come off them.any time soon.
But compared to where I was four years ago, it' s very different.
My issues were abandonment in regards to my father, as well as being invalidated by him on a constant basis too.
He still phones me (from nz where he lives with his wife and four kids) and offers opinions on my life, despite having next to no involvement in my life. Once upon a time, would have made me furious and sent me into a fug of depression. Now I just role my eyes and move on.
In regards to my mother, I spent my adolescence being her verbal punchbag combined with her inability to see others pov/admit when she was wrong.
Now I do not engage in debates with her, I do not go to her for validation and I have come to accept her for who she is, as well as mourning the mother who she never was.
I am so much better for doing this.
Your therapist should be working to getting you to see that the way your parents see things is no more valid than your pov. In fact, as the way they have behaved has led to you being damaged, it is less valid.
You can't change who they are but it will help you if you mourn who they should have been for you, which like any greiving process will be painful .
Then coming to the realisation that you can't change them but you CAN change the way you feel about them and how you relate to them, it is such an empowering thing to do, trust me!

Glad it's working out for you, you've had quite a burden with 2 such parents!
Am not an advocate of ADs but respect that they can work. Am instead dosing myself up w fish oil/5htp/good food and regular exercise and sunlight along with therapy 2x a week, so maybe today, first day of spring for us here, is a turning point. Hope so!

Think invalidation definite main issue for me, therapist thinks this is driven by fear of abandonment and failure or conversely success...
Lots to ponder

Realise that doesn't make
Sense... Still processing.. Think invalidation separate from fear of failure.abandonment.

Invalidation due to dm failing to mirror me and allow teen and adult me to have right to express feelings

Fear of failure/success due to crippling self worth, I think. Expected not to achieve ( or not out achieve dm??) therefore comfort zone is pre-set to self-sabotage mode?

Realize maybe blaming her/them for too much in my life, hard to know where to draw the line! I definitely feel i have undiagnosed ADD tendencies also (dc2 has) which are obviously a separate issue

Yes, I am currently at a stage of trying to get to grips with fear of failiure, that prevents me from even trying to do things.
It does not help that when I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone in the past, I've useally tried to reach too high and as a consequence ended up failing.
So the two things I am trying to learn, is to aim for achievable goals, so start small and working up from there. Next week I aim to be dressed every day before ten and to find a dentist.
Since you have already been (by my standards) phenomenally successful, then at least part of you, should know that you are more than capable.
As well as the vits etc that you have been taking, could you give meditation a go as well do you think?
I have a visulisation cd and when I use it, it helps me a lot!

I know what you mean about aiming too high!
Done this SO many times, then got into cycle of inevitable failure therefore expect it next time
You are v kind about my achievements- ok on paper, but the number of courses I've dropped out of, the rate at which I've changed jobs. Plus don't have one at the moment! Haven't since we left uk.

And yes am big fan of meditation/ mindfulness etc though find it v difficult as get restless. Which is why was trying to attack Power of Now but just don't take to it somehow. Prefer more Buddhist centric stuff or Jon kabet zin (sp?) on mindfulness

Have you heard of DBT? I tried it for around four months and while, ultimately, I did not continue with it, it has given me loads of tools that really help when I am feeling overwhelmed, a large part of it is centered around mindfulness.
May I ask which country you are in?
I currently live in NJ and also happen to be suffering marital difficulties, made more complex by being overseas.

DBT? No, have heard of mindfulness based Cbt and such like. In africa, shame nowhere near you!

And Africa, well love it/hate it! The security issues- alarms, dogs, electric fences, guards eyc not ideal fro calm meditative life. Otoh, young, vibrant, colorful beautiful country and an experience for dc. Though
Shane that thru wonder why their old primary in rural England doesnt have armed guard

DBT is dialectical behavioural therapy, it was originally developed for use with borderline personality disorder but has been found to be effective for loads of things. If mindfulness is something that you get, then it would probably be a form of therapy you would enjoy.
Go to www.dbtselfhelp.com if you want to read more about it.
Armed guards at your kids school?!? And I thought it was bad over here when the local police officer explained about the use of pepper spray to my dd's kindergarten class!

Thanks, will take a look

salbertina, your situation is almost identical to mine, i witnessed my older sis experience the physical violence from mother, and sometimes father...i have had therapy terrible flashbacks

antid's halping - but mostly as frida gave excellent advice above, this worked for me:

1. you need to accept you are in mourning for the parents you never had, even. though they are still alive. grieving process in place, being kind to yourself and acknowledging the loss, daily. it's not easy, but necessary.

1. diet, exercise, sunlight, water, surround yourself in nature, focus on a beautiful thing each day

1. be kind to yourself, think of the future you want wi your DCs

1. let.your parents. go

it is hard, but the contact, and the memories are more damaging to your present life than a new future clean and free of the guilt and hurt you keep feeling now

hugs

Thanks,madda, for your lively supportive message. So sorry that you are going thro the same...

I know I keep making excuses-I agree with everything you say and therapist has also advised to mourn in a bid to move on and focus on my new family but...I...just...can't

Seem stuck in past/denial/indecision and can't move forward. How to act on all your wise words?? "fake it till you make it?"

Lovely not lively!

well, i think I read something which made sense to me, I'll look for the link, and forward it

couple of other links too for dealing with Narcissist mothers...the most toxic kind, very difficult to deal with, but there is lots of support out there

will post them here in 5 mins

daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

www.care2.com/greenliving/4-ways-to-deal-with-a-narcissistic-mother.html

trying to find the grid chart which shows when you are moving from victim to survivor...and like you say you are in denial, this is the middle stage - your reality is bubbling to the surface again after many years deep down, and of course you will deny it happened, to simply protect yourself! You are only human!

but it is a good sign, that it is bubbling up, because you are now believe it or not, getting strength from somewhere to deal with it and kill it forever, so to speak

if it didnt bubble up, you would bottle it, bottle it and keep pretending everything was fine, when it wasnt

it will simply take time, but will work if you keep everything simple in your everyday life, do very simple things, keep a good healthy routine, be kind to yourself, you are deserving of a good life, they have tried to destroy you having any good memories of childhood/ adolescence, but now you are free to decide how the rest of your days are to feel