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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband had a one night stand he thinks!!

123 replies

Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 16:14

Firstly we have been married 13 years last Tuesday and in 2004 after my mother died and our marriage was at rock bottom, I found out he had kissed a girl that he works with. He was lonely and I was being a nightmare, divorce was on the cards! He admitted this to me a few days after it happened, she left the company and nothing else happened.

We have had 2 children since then and recently my FIL went into hospital, on his last legs, who has subsequently died.

My DH has admitted to me that 4 wks ago, he left the pub leaving his mates to come home as he was too drunk. (I can at least vouch for that as I spoke to him before going to bed and the conversation contained a lot of slurring) Anyway he met her outside a pub with her friend and walked back home, he ended up at her friends house, a few more drinks, her friend went to bed and he thinks, he thinks!! he may have slept with her. He doesn't recall kissing or touching but he knows his trousers were un-done, (but when he is drunk he goes to the toilet, Undoes his trousers and tends to not do them back up again!!) She straddled him in a chair and when she him to move from the chair and thats when he realised what he was doing and ran home. He has very vague memories of that night and doesn't really know what happened. I have made him think hard as I wanted to know exactly what happened.
Now bearing in mind his dad died two days later. I'm not surprised, he didn't tell me sooner, but for the last 3 weeks, I knew that there was something wrong and not just grief.

We have always been open with each other and maintained an honest relationship, so I trust that is why he told me. He also looked shit scared when he told me as he thought I would throw him out and take the kids with me.
He has been sensible and been to the hospital and is awaiting test results etc etc, so I'm pleased about that.

I love him very much and have told him that we will get through it. I'm not wasting the last 20 yrs of my life for one stupid night and a trollop and have never actually seen him look so sorry.

I'm not sure whether its advice I'm looking for on here or if anything at all as I know I want to stay with him and make it work. My issue is that I dont really fancy discussing with it my mates and just need to get it out.

I dont think I am a fool, maybe I am. Sometimes its easy to forget and then I picture them together and I feel sick. I'm hoping that will pass.

Also the thing is, is that I'm not overally sexual and never have been, but now we have to wait for these tests to come back. Thats all I can think about.

OP posts:

Maryz · 30/08/2012 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 30/08/2012 20:31

It wasn't an old friend. It was a woman he kissed in the past and who had then continued to cause him problems.

PfftTheMagicDraco · 30/08/2012 20:32

OneMoreChap, you are taking my post the wrong way.

If he has been raped, then he should report it. Confront him with it - as in deal with a difficult situation. Don't add your own meaning to my words. Man, or woman - using being drunk as a reason for cheating on your spouse is pretty shameful, if this is the case. Man or woman - someone having sex with you when you are too drunk to consent, is rape.

I didn't claim that he was lying about rape. However, he hasn't claimed that he has been raped. The OP needs the truth, no matter what that is.

MorrisZapp · 30/08/2012 20:35

And it wasn't her house. It was her friends house.

BillyBollyBandy · 30/08/2012 22:12

I agree with OneMoreChap, if he was asleep/had passed out then it is a serious sexual assault

PfftTheMagicDraco · 30/08/2012 22:13

If he was asleep/passed out and she had sex with him, it's rape.

akaemmafrost · 30/08/2012 22:22

I used to be unfaithful in my relationships.

Sometimes I got found out. I'd be oh, so, sorry and guilty and swear to him it would never happen again.

Sometimes I didn't get found out and I would be oh, so sorry and guilty and I swear to myself it would never happen again.

These relationships without fail ended with me going off with someone else.

Just saying for those who advocate forgiveness.

RightFedUp · 30/08/2012 22:25

And some people are shits and some are not,.

sunshine401 · 30/08/2012 22:27

He cheated on you. Drunk or not makes no difference.
You belive you can forgive great I hope it all works out for you. :)

The only bit of concern there is the numbers. Just be careful its happened more than once now and some people men/women who get forgiven take it abit as an open path. (Not saying he will ) just be careful :)

BillyBollyBandy · 30/08/2012 22:35

I'm not sure that there was penetration? If so then apologies, yes pfft it was rape

akaemmafrost · 30/08/2012 22:44

I am not a shit . There were a myriad of reasons behind my behaviour, which I don't care to share here.

However I do think people who are unfaithful are made that way and will continue to do so even with big gaps in between unless they experience true consequences.

akaemmafrost · 30/08/2012 22:46

In fact exactly what sunshine said.

Finallygotaroundtoit · 30/08/2012 23:49

Worst case scenario ? - he has probably cheated on you numerous times, now knows he has an STD and has concocted this ridiculous story to explain why

Best ? - what he has told you

We can only vouch for our own truthfulness - you cannot be certain that anyone else is being honest

leguminous · 31/08/2012 00:12

My mum cheated on my dad, got pregnant with me by the OM, went back to dad to confess all, and they stayed married - bringing me up together - for another 25 years. Sometimes people just cheat once. Sometimes couples get past it. I know lots of people have had bad experiences, but jeeze, if we were all out on our ears after one fuck-up, the divorce rate would be a LOT higher. Nobody's obliged to forgive and forget, obviously, but if someone thinks it's worth a try then why do we have to assume the worst?

And yeah, drunk does make a difference - someone who's paralytic can't give any kind of meaningful consent. I've been pressured into stuff when I was out of my tree, and I honestly can't be sure that I'd have managed to stave it off if I'd been in a relationship at the time.

Blue, it's totally up to you what you do, but I don't think you're a fool for not ending the marriage and for not automatically disbelieving him. Of course be on your guard, of course expect him to bend over backwards to reassure you from now on, and don't just forget that he did this. He might do it again. You might get hurt in future. He might be lying now. But you know him, we don't, and only you know what you're willing to risk on the chance that he's honest. Just know that not everyone keeps on cheating.

Ladylazarus2 · 31/08/2012 00:16

The thing that makes me nervous about all this is the alleged not knowing whether or not he had sex. Somehow, that just doesn't ring true.

Wowserz129 · 31/08/2012 00:37

His story does not ring true for me at all.

I would tread very carefully.

Original poster

Bluemary3000 · 31/08/2012 10:28

Well I had a good chat with him last night about exactly what happened and I asked for every detail over and over again.

Fact, he was an idiot for going back to her friends in the first place although he believes at that time she was just being nice. Mmm still an idiot in my book.
He was drunk, but was aware of what she was, lets say aiding his little man to attention. She was on top, he does not recall actually having sex, but did have some sense to realise for a split moment what he was doing and legged it out of there. So maybe they did or didn't have sex, I dont know, without asking her we never will. It makes no odds whether they did. It is everything combined that has hurt my the most.
He is the one suffering for it now with what he has done, he now has to wait for the final tests to come back and could potentially have given himself a permanent STD, which would more than likely break us apart as I dont know if even I am that strong to deal with it.
So, final point is, I do care, I'm not relaxed about it all, (although strangley not angry that bit worries even me!) it makes me feel sick to the point where eating has been issue (weight loss - handy, not the way to do it though!), but I love very much and am not willing to give up on what I can only hope is a one time thing.
I know many of you disbelieve his story and tbh I would if I read this on here, but there are some of you that have been through and made it through or know people that have and thats encouraging. So thank you all for you thought provoking comments.
But fool or no fool, in time I will forgive and we will both move on. Lets hope the results in 3 weeks time are good for all our sakes!

OP posts:

Maryz · 31/08/2012 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumsyblouse · 31/08/2012 10:40

Bluemary, I don't know why everyone is saying he's lying, as if he was a liar, he wouldn't have mentioned it at all, nor admitted that he had some encouragement to get it up. He may not remember whether they did it, but he's said enough for you to kick him out if you wanted to, and I can't think why else he would say that, and get STD tests if it wasn't basically true. Whether you can put up with this is up to you, but he doesn't seem to have gained much by his inconclusive story, if he was a true liar, he'd have said nothing happened and left it at that.

geegee888 · 31/08/2012 10:53

I don't believe a word of it.

But I can understand your reasons for not ending the marriage OP, so its probably better for you to believe it. You are remarkably tolerant. I'd hate to be in the situation of waiting for my DH's STD tests to come back. He's a grown adult and should be capable of not getting himself into ridiculous drunken situations.

I'm also amazed that a drunken man is so attractive to other women. Most men in that state are repulsively off-putting. What a hero.

Houseofplain · 31/08/2012 10:54

What you've described, baring in mind how drunk he was is a sexual assault.

Sleepysand · 31/08/2012 10:59

I think it is very easy to say "dump him" when you're outside it all. I am looking at my DH now and I know I would forgive him. Kissing a girl once and getting drunk is not serial adultery. He needs some help but if you love him you should stay - is my opinion.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 31/08/2012 11:21

Can I ask what he told the doctors?

I've worked in the rape crisis area, and I'm surprised that they've sent off for the three week HIV test if he told them what he has told you. What reasons did they give?

I really hope you can work through it, if that's what you want to do. I think the not knowing would drive me insane, and I completely agree with feeling he'd been "tainted" and not wanting to touch him again - but then, I don't know how I'd react if OH did put me in that position.

One thing that does stand out as something that may potentially give you a different viewpoint to most - you seem quite open about the fact that you don't really have a sexual element to your marriage, and I think that is perhaps why you aren't so furious and upset. It's almost like you allow his...indiscretions...with this woman because of the lack of sex life, and I think that could be what is saving your relationship.

I hope he's sorry, and that he's learnt from this. Both getting that drunk and going home to a woman's house with that history would be big problems for me, so I'm in awe of the way you've managed to box everything up and keep going.

All the best.

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