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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband had a one night stand he thinks!!

123 replies

Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 16:14

Firstly we have been married 13 years last Tuesday and in 2004 after my mother died and our marriage was at rock bottom, I found out he had kissed a girl that he works with. He was lonely and I was being a nightmare, divorce was on the cards! He admitted this to me a few days after it happened, she left the company and nothing else happened.

We have had 2 children since then and recently my FIL went into hospital, on his last legs, who has subsequently died.

My DH has admitted to me that 4 wks ago, he left the pub leaving his mates to come home as he was too drunk. (I can at least vouch for that as I spoke to him before going to bed and the conversation contained a lot of slurring) Anyway he met her outside a pub with her friend and walked back home, he ended up at her friends house, a few more drinks, her friend went to bed and he thinks, he thinks!! he may have slept with her. He doesn't recall kissing or touching but he knows his trousers were un-done, (but when he is drunk he goes to the toilet, Undoes his trousers and tends to not do them back up again!!) She straddled him in a chair and when she him to move from the chair and thats when he realised what he was doing and ran home. He has very vague memories of that night and doesn't really know what happened. I have made him think hard as I wanted to know exactly what happened.
Now bearing in mind his dad died two days later. I'm not surprised, he didn't tell me sooner, but for the last 3 weeks, I knew that there was something wrong and not just grief.

We have always been open with each other and maintained an honest relationship, so I trust that is why he told me. He also looked shit scared when he told me as he thought I would throw him out and take the kids with me.
He has been sensible and been to the hospital and is awaiting test results etc etc, so I'm pleased about that.

I love him very much and have told him that we will get through it. I'm not wasting the last 20 yrs of my life for one stupid night and a trollop and have never actually seen him look so sorry.

I'm not sure whether its advice I'm looking for on here or if anything at all as I know I want to stay with him and make it work. My issue is that I dont really fancy discussing with it my mates and just need to get it out.

I dont think I am a fool, maybe I am. Sometimes its easy to forget and then I picture them together and I feel sick. I'm hoping that will pass.

Also the thing is, is that I'm not overally sexual and never have been, but now we have to wait for these tests to come back. Thats all I can think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 17:36

Staceymreadyfornumber3 - me and other half have also done that on many occasions and woken up the next morning and gone mm did we didn't we?

I hope things work out to, I still plan on walking along a seafront with him when I'm older eating fish and chips! (always been something we said we'd do!)

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 30/08/2012 17:36

No-one's actually advised her to leave him Mary, you do know that?

Proudnscary · 30/08/2012 17:38

Many of us have said we wouldn't leave our partners over this...I don't think I would...but that honesty and remorse is pretty crucial right now.

Original poster
Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 17:38

Proudnscary, I dont blame myself for the last time. Our marriage was rocky before she came along and me being depressed just compounded a crappy situation. The one thing we have also been proud of is talking to each other and when that stops it all goes wrong. back then we stopped talking and it nearly did!!

OP posts:
StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 30/08/2012 17:40

Good luck OP I think it takes a lot of hard work (what marriage doesn't?) and I know I personally couldn't forgive or forget (not sure you ever forget) as I'm vindictive in an arguement and would throw it back in his face not able to do it. But if it's what you want I wish you all the best.

geegee888 · 30/08/2012 17:40

He just happened to meet a woman he previously had an affair with randomly outside a pub and go back to hers and this woman found him so irresistible she straddled him? And he, an adult male, can't tell whether he had sex or not? The odds on that must be about 3 billion to 1!

Is he so terribly attractive that women cannot resist throwing themselves on top of him even when he is so drunk he doesn't know what he's doing? Why does he let himself get in this state?

And you believe all of this without being put off him?

As to whether its worth ending a marriage over, I agree with you. You'd probably suffer more due to his mistake in ending it. Thats as long as you can actually bear having to listen to his utterly bizarre drivel!

Original poster
Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 17:46

there is plenty of remorse and i will get the honesty from him, I think I already have, but who's to know without actually having been there at the time. Then when its all died down, i wont throw it back at him, but just maybe throw a gentle reminder. sex is cheating in my book, snogging maybe not so much ( if it is then ive cheated many a time as ive snogged all my mates!) this is a one time deal for him and knowing him as i do then i do believe it wont happen again. Plus i know when he has done something wrong as for the past 3wks he has looked like he has been having a nervous breakdown and since telling me has finally slept and seems calmer!
and yes I agree marriage is damn hard work and thats why I'm loathed to give in so quickly and over something that could well have been the mistake of his life! and as I said forgiveness is the easy part, it will take a long long time to forget!

OP posts:
RightFedUp · 30/08/2012 17:46

I have stayed with a husband who cheated.
I think good people sometimes do a really bad thing that they bitterly regret.
For me, the key things are that he told me himself (no way on earth I'd have found out otherwise) and he told the truth - difficult things he could easily have covered up. He has also done everything humanly possible to try to make it right - including therapy for himself.
I trust him more now than I did before because he understands himself better (v painful stuff for him).

Whether we'll be together in future, I can't say for sure. I may not be able to put it behind me despite all the good work and the fact that I've forgiven him. Don't be fooled into thinking it's the easier option.

Tbh your husband has offered to give up drinking. If he's serious about this, I would let him do just that. He knows it's a trigger.

The very best of luck whatever you decide. From what you've said, he could be a bastard or someone who has made a major mistake and is really sorry. It's easy for us to give opinions but you are better placed to decide than we are.

tutu100 · 30/08/2012 17:48

Bluemary3000, haven't really got any advice for you as such, but you asked if people had experience of staying together after an affair. My grandfather had an affair 20 years into his marriage to my grandmother. They actually seperated for a short while and he lived with the OW. They did however get back together and it must have taken a lot for my grandmother to move on, but they celebrated 60 years marriage this year and are very happy together and have been ever since I can remember.

In my GF case that affair was a one off (not a one night stand, obviously), but he had never had and subsequently never had an affair. My GM has told my mum she has never regretted taking him back.

Original poster
Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 17:50

geegee888 - he didn't have a affair with her before or now. he kissed her, she had feelings not him. and yes it is plausable that he met her outside a pub in a town that she doesn't live in although her friend does. It is also plausible that he was stupid enough to have gone back to her friends house. It is also plausible that whilst sitting on a sofa, she decided to try it on, he did or didn't say no and that something may or may not have happened. Affairs involving feelings are a big no no in my book and that would have ended it straight away. One night stands ie drunken sex apparently now are not. I never though I would say that.

OP posts:
bubalou · 30/08/2012 17:51

I'm sorry - it was the same woman HmmConfusedHmmConfusedHmm

?????????????

jelliebelly · 30/08/2012 17:51

If you believe him and he is truly sorry then yes you can get over it. Dh had a full blown affair 10 years ago - we now have a strong and happy relationship but it was bloody hard work at the time. Nobody but you knows the detail of what makes your relationship work and whether it is worth the effort to forgive. You will never forget.

Original poster
Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 17:58

thanks jelliebelly, the hardest bit to forget will be the fact that he has been tainted by another woman and he has ended up at an std clinic. mind you i think that has been a massive learning curve for him. he now knows where the stick the plastic swab!!! (te he, i did smirk when he told me how painful and embarassing that was, shame its just blood tests next week and not the sticks again!!!)

OP posts:
piratecat · 30/08/2012 18:01

you have snogged all your mates?

droves · 30/08/2012 18:03

Sorry op , I think your h is lying . They never tell you the full story , you get a watered down version of events to try and get themselves off the hook .

I'm really sorry ..he went to a std clinic ,he knows he shagged her .

Original poster
Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 18:04

Yeah, some were good, and some were really bad, (awkward moment afterwards that was!! It was a phase!! Thats as far as my greecian Island involvement ever went. I now leave that to a close friend. Who bizaarly enough my kids have always call Uncle!!

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 30/08/2012 18:06

It all comes down to whether you believe him or not.

Same woman, bit of a nutter, wanting to track him down, heard of grave healthy of his dad, took the moment to pounce when he was pissed? Not totally unbelievable is it?

If it happened how he said. If it did. He was sexually assaulted. Considering the we believe you campaign. I think it's important to remember that.

If he's got form wrt going comatose after drinking, then he goes out drinking, after seeing his dad rough a grave illness, which he'd lose him two days later.

It is quite possible he was so pissed, can't remember and it did happen like that. Now of course drinking is a problem here. But reverse the sexes...then you know the response. It's no different because he's a man.

Original poster
Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 18:06

droves, it is easier thinking in some way he just did and that was that. Its the not knowing thats driving me mad. Ideally I want to know everything include all the upsetting details and then I can picture it, sort it out in my head and box it away in my brain!! A counsellor I saw when I was depressed said I was very good at boxing things up and not dealing with them. This time I need to deal and then file it away accordingly. That way it can be gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 18:09

houseofplain, he has also convinced himself that his dad dying 2 days later is punishment. A rational arguement would blow this out the water. However grief makes you have strange thoughts. Hence my depression after my mums passing and the issues we had then.

OP posts:
ParaOlympicpark · 30/08/2012 18:12

That happened to my BF. her XH came back from a raucous stag night in Scotland saying he thought he might have slept with someone but couldn't remember. He cried, sobbed etc so she didn't divorce him, and they went on to have a child. He went to America on his paternity leave and three months later told her that his girlfriend was three months pregnant Shock
And since then we found out that the stag night had lots of prostitutes......
It is a tough one OP, all boils down to how you feel about him and how much you trust him. What does your gut say?

Original poster
Bluemary3000 · 30/08/2012 18:12

forgot to say to houseofplain, he is now the one that has to live with that in his head and maybe thats punishment enough for the moment. He does need to time to grieve after all.

OP posts:
RightFedUp · 30/08/2012 18:13

That nagging feeling that you don't know the truth about what happened - you need to go with that. If things feel like a jigsaw with pieces missing then you won't heal properly until you find the pieces and it all 'fits' for you.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 30/08/2012 18:14

Are you for real?

HE has been tainted by another woman?

And the very last thing I'd be going if my dh had to be tested an an std clinic would be smirking.

SorryMyLollipop · 30/08/2012 18:14

I agree with geegee, I would be very suspicious of the same woman being involved that he previously kissed.

That is one hell of a coincidence, whatever happened between them Hmm

hippoCritt · 30/08/2012 18:15

Doesn't he need to know so he doesn't end up with a CSA letter in the future, I think it's the not knowing which I would find hard.