Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Just how DO I have an orgasm ( with my DH)? Might be TMI.

63 replies

ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 10:16

Yes, that's it. Treat me gently please.

Thank God for name change. I am embarrassed admitting this. Been married for 20+ years and never had an orgasm with a man. Ever. I had body issues for a while due to surgery after pregnancy- had an extensive repair. I then had another health issue which meant penetrative sex was off the menu for several years though we did " cuddle".

Before I married I had a handful of partners but a couple were very inexperienced sexually so not much joy there . I never masturbated to orgasm as a teenager or younger woman, and only managed this a few years back.

DH is very kind, patient etc etc, but my "missing O" has now become a "thing"- for me more than him- he doesn't put any pressure on me at all, but he tries so hard and for so long that I feel under pressure to reach one to "thank him for his hard work" IYSWIM.

I reach the point where I am pretty turned on but then become self conscious, or start thinking of what we need from Tescos- you know that kind of thing.

I can't let go, and even when I masturbate I lose my focus and it takes me ages- I have a vibrator but DH doesn't know and I am too shy to tell him.

Drink doesn't help, (I don't anyway due to medical reasons) nothing helps- has anyone any ideas because I am really not getting much out of sex at all.

Oh- and we know which bits to touch- he's not doing anything wrong- he knows what to do, but it's just not working!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 10:27

Orgasm (IME anyway) requires completely abandoning yourself to pleasure. Not just focus but a total ditching of inhibitions of any kind. Any hint of distraction, doubt or self-consciousness and you've lost it. I hate to say it but, the only time I've had difficulty, is when I'm with the wrong partner. I don't know why you'd still be self-conscious after 20 years with the same bloke but that's probably the part for both of you to work on.... somehow you have to believe (and he has to convince you) that you are the sexiest most desirable thing on the planet.

Original poster

ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 10:44

Thanks.

It's partly lack of practise- we had DCs soon after we got married and then I had health problems when we had no sex for 10 years- I know that sounds unbelievable but it's true.

Then we had teenagers at home - thin walls- and now they are at uni it seems the right time to try to work on this stuff again.

I do wonder if DH just doesn't do it for me-things were very shaky for some time and I did leave him for a while then came back. We are now making a huge effort to give everything another go.

But then women have Os with men they hardly know- so an emotional connection is not necessary- is it.

Dh has never made me think "Phwaaaw" about him- it's been kind of comfy, cosy sex. But I'm sick of that and want some real fulfilment.

OP posts:

strawberry17 · 30/08/2012 10:44

Could you bring yourself to tell him about your vibrator? I think you might be pleasently surprised by his reaction, you could introduce it into your sex life with him, maybe he could use it on you? you could both use it? maybe have a giggle about it as well?

Original poster

ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 10:49

He has suggested at times that "We get you a vib." and I say nothing.

You see I am completely inhibited with him. He's the sweetest, most considerate man- but maybe that is more the issue- maybe I need an Alpha male? I dunno.

Using a vib. with him just fills me with horror at the thought of exposing myself- not the sight of me- very happy with being up naked and up close etc- but the emotions. WHY?????

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 30/08/2012 10:49

You need to overcome the shyness. Perhaps tell him about the vibe and use it together.

You also need to concentrate on your own sensations and not worry about anything else - a good fantasy to think about instead of the shopping will help - don't think you ought to be thinking about your dh during, just think about whatever is really sexy to you.

Alcohol is pretty bad for dulling sensation actually, better to be sober or just one or two.

dequoisagitil · 30/08/2012 10:50

Don't you trust him?

strawberry17 · 30/08/2012 10:52

I don't understand about the emotions, exposing your emotions? is that you would feel embarrased using a vibrator with him?

Bonsoir · 30/08/2012 10:52

How about a tantric massage?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 10:57

"But then women have Os with men they hardly know- so an emotional connection is not necessary- is it."

The emotional connection with a stranger is that they are a blank sheet. They can therefore be overlayed with whatever fantasy you'd like to superimposed ... and you're not thinking about domestic crap like sorting their socks or how he farts when he thinks you're not looking.

Really, the inhibitions are what's holding you back. In a healthy sexual relationship you should be able to do pretty much anything together and not feel you're being judged, laughed at or making yourself vulnerable. It's a question of trusting each other. A 'sweet and considerate' hero wouldn't sell many steamy novels... you wouldn't be the only woman to need someone a bit more macho to get your juices flowing.

BeeBee12 · 30/08/2012 11:03

You seriously overthinking this.A woman reaching orgasm shouldnt be any more difficult than for a man as long as there is lots of clitoral stimulation by you or him, and you let go.

Wideboy · 30/08/2012 11:04

If I may add a male perspective, I think women definitely are all made differently. Before I was married, I had a long term gf who could never orgasm. We were doing everything right, she felt as if she were getting to it, but never could. In truth, it's part of the reason I didn't marry her as, somehow, I thought it could be my fault.

Now take wife of 36 years (marriage - not her age!), she can't stand direct contact with her clematis, but orgasms very easily. This a great help as so do I! So it would seem that different women (well - these two anyway) have different levels of sensitivity. Is that your opinion too, ladies?

Treats · 30/08/2012 11:04

At first I was quite saddened by your post, but I actually think that it's uplifting to think that after so long you haven't lost hope!

If shyness/self-consciousness is an issue, you could try 'film night'. Put a film n - doesn't have to be particularly sexy, but that might help. You both lie on the sofa together to watch it, but you're not looking at each other. Gradually, you guide his hands to wherever you want him to touch you and demonstrate what you want him to do. Start with your breasts, or your bum, or wherever, and then gradually work up (or down!). Increase the intensity gradually, so that he starts just cupping your breast with your bra on, but then moves on to tweaking your nipples. All the time you're WATCHING THE FILM so you can feel the sensations he's creating, but you're not thinking about him doing it to you. You don't look at him, and you don't speak to each other. You're in control so you don't need to worry.

By the end of the film - if you're feeling confident - you might have got as far as some clitoral stimulation, and the build up of stimulation of your other erogenous zones should help you to come quite quickly. Depending on how long the film is, or how up for it I was already feeling, a quick stroke through the knickers might be all I need.

It does depend on your DH being co-operative, but hopefully he'll realise what you're up to and be enthusiastic.

I also went for quite a long time before I had my first orgasm, and I'd been married to my DH for five years at that point. Since we've breached that barrier, I come most times now. I still need clitoral stimulation, however. My next goal is to have a penetrative orgasm. We're working on it.......

Good luck OP.

Original poster

ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 11:05

Lol- okay- so do I need to overcome my shyness- or get a new more macho DH?

Maybe I need counselling.

It's partly that I am shy- agreed. I don't want him to see the funny faces I pull when turned on.

But it's also that I am pulling back from allowing him to see me at my most " basic" and vulnerable. So does that mean the relationship is knackered, or that it's just the sex not working?

OP posts:

strawberry17 · 30/08/2012 11:06

Did you mean to write clematis?

Yes of course women are all different.

TyrionTheImp · 30/08/2012 11:07

I'm 31 and I've never had an orgasm. Either alone or with dh. Not even close. I can't even begin to confront why. My parents were always very distant. My Mum would flinch if my Dad touched her and insist he stop 'pawing' her. I've never seen them even hold hands and they've been married for 36 years. I am certain that while I have no pressing issues with this, it's had an impact.

I am very physically and emotionally guarded. I don't let go in front of people in any way tbh. I don't drink or dance for example. I am fairly inhibited. As far as sex is concerned, well I just don't know. I never initiate it. If I'm utterly, utterly honest, I feel wrong or dirty if I want sex. And while I actually enjoy it in a sort of 'this is fairly interesting' sort of way, I do very quickly assume the role of trying to please dh and nudging it towards fruition iyswim.

I can start to feel turned on and then it just sort of vanishes and he may as well be rubbing my toe tbh. Self touching bores me rigid.

I think I'm broken.

Beckamaw · 30/08/2012 11:10

Clematis? Fucking lol!! spellcheck fail?

Ah, it's a tough one. If your head isn't in it, your body won't be either.
Counselling could really help. Do you think that's something you might consider?

runamile · 30/08/2012 11:10

I think it's simply that some women reach orgasm easily & some don't especially as you find it difficult even on your own so it can't just be the lack of emotional connection. I wonder if it's down to anatomy?

BebeBelge · 30/08/2012 11:10

Wideboy Surely best typo ever? 'direct contact with her clematis'! snigger! Unless this is what the young uns are calling it these days.. In which case not !

Original poster

ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 11:12

Beebee- it's the letting go that is the whole issue.

I also think perhaps that DH's technique has fallen off a bit. he tends to go straight for the obvious- tits, bum and clit- whereas I like more of a slow burn with a massage all over, and a gradual warmng up.

He also doesn't do something- can I say this- TMI warning- he never touches me inside. In over 20 years. I've asked him to and he said he thought I didn't like it- well, I do. Since that conversation ( a few months back) he has not done it- does he not like it?

How can I say this without it seeming critical of him? I'm completely outspoken about other stuff but this is tricky.

OP posts:

Beckamaw · 30/08/2012 11:13

........and for the record, men love the funny faces!

Still PMSL at 'clematis'. I'm going to use that one now!

dequoisagitil · 30/08/2012 11:14

I think you need to examine why you don't trust your dh with your feelings and sex-face . Is it something you want to/can get over, or is it not fixable?

Tyrion, it doesn't sound a happy way to live, been so controlled by your inhibitions. Perhaps it is time to confront the whys.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 11:14

"I am pulling back from allowing him to see me at my most " basic" and vulnerable"

That can often go hand in hand with not trusting or not liking someone. If you fear that making yourself vulnerable is going to be used against you at some point in the future you'll hold back. If you left him previously, are making an effort, but your heart isn't fully in it, that's going to affect your sex-life as well.

Of course, the most reliable way to test if it's the relationship rather than you that's at fault is to have sex with someone else :) (I know, I know...)

BeeBee12 · 30/08/2012 11:15

It sounds like you both dont like to talk about sex and are very inhibited.Maybe he wants to touch you but is shy,just like you want to use the vibrator in front of him but feel shy.

You really need to talk to him about it and say you would love to try whatever it is but you feel a bit shy yourself and it might open him up a bit.

TyrionTheImp · 30/08/2012 11:15

"You seriously overthinking this.A woman reaching orgasm shouldnt be any more difficult than for a man as long as there is lots of clitoral stimulation by you or him, and you let go"

^That's a bit like telling somebody who's depressed to cheer up. I think learning to let go is probably your first port of call but it's going to be a long road. Counselling would probably be a good start.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 11:17

"I also think perhaps that DH's technique has fallen off a bit. "

A bit? I hate men that treat lovemaking like starting a car... press this, tweak that, turn the key, pull the choke, stick it in gear .... why isn't it working? If you've asked him to do things that turn you on and he's ignored it that just makes him an inconsiderate lover. Useless. No wonder you're thinking about Tesco.

Flip

1 2 3