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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just how DO I have an orgasm ( with my DH)? Might be TMI.

63 replies

ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 10:16

Yes, that's it. Treat me gently please.

Thank God for name change. I am embarrassed admitting this. Been married for 20+ years and never had an orgasm with a man. Ever. I had body issues for a while due to surgery after pregnancy- had an extensive repair. I then had another health issue which meant penetrative sex was off the menu for several years though we did " cuddle".

Before I married I had a handful of partners but a couple were very inexperienced sexually so not much joy there . I never masturbated to orgasm as a teenager or younger woman, and only managed this a few years back.

DH is very kind, patient etc etc, but my "missing O" has now become a "thing"- for me more than him- he doesn't put any pressure on me at all, but he tries so hard and for so long that I feel under pressure to reach one to "thank him for his hard work" IYSWIM.

I reach the point where I am pretty turned on but then become self conscious, or start thinking of what we need from Tescos- you know that kind of thing.

I can't let go, and even when I masturbate I lose my focus and it takes me ages- I have a vibrator but DH doesn't know and I am too shy to tell him.

Drink doesn't help, (I don't anyway due to medical reasons) nothing helps- has anyone any ideas because I am really not getting much out of sex at all.

Oh- and we know which bits to touch- he's not doing anything wrong- he knows what to do, but it's just not working!

OP posts:
notyummy · 30/08/2012 11:17

I thought the clematis reference was you being a bit coy and was like this Hmm. Made me snigger when i realised it was the spell check!

Original poster
ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 11:18

Clematis Think this was intentional- there is a black and white birthday card- you know, the 1950s style ones- where they are in a garden, and he is searching for her clematis amongst her bush Grin

OP posts:
TyrionTheImp · 30/08/2012 11:18

dequoisagitil, I am very happy and content in every other way. DH is my best friend. We have a close, loving relationship and wonderful dc (around whom I sing and dance and mess about and lose face and all the things I should do and with a natural ease). I have hobbies and friends and interests and a rich and happy life. I just can't do sex well. I do like and have sex btw. I'm just never going to orgasm. I'm 97% resigned to this.

TyrionTheImp · 30/08/2012 11:21

That sounded smug. I mean I have a normal life. Not enough money, bit saggy, sleep a bit interrupted still by the small dc, can't find the other sock, teaspoons vanishing etc. I have a normal life and am content with my lot. It doesn't permeate iyswim. I just don't get sex at all.

OwlLady · 30/08/2012 11:22

I am loving the reference to clematis :) I do hope it isn't a typo and wideboy has been telling the neighbours he has been pruning the clitoris and admiring its beauty

ThemissingO, I hope you don't mind me asking this, but were you brought up to think sex was dirty and shameful etc and that you needed to cover up, lights off pull your nightie up type feeling? I think if you were it might be worth talking it through with a therapist or someone? feeling self conscious after all these years with a man who loves you and you love him, is such a shame. You need to build you own self esteem and stop focusing on just sex imo

newmum001 · 30/08/2012 11:24

I agree that you should tell him about your vibrator or maybe have a look online together at toys. Ann summers have a sale on atm Wink

I too have struggled since giving birth. I partly can't be arsed and partly still feel a bit fat (dd is 2 next month!) dp is more than willing to use toys etc and bough a bullet off ann summers a couple of weeks ago. I urge you to look into it they are amazing. At the risk of tmi i possibly woke the whole street up the other night. It's only a tiny thing that you can use on yourself during intercourse. I sound like a bloody sales rep don't i.

I think it's just learning to completely let go that may make all the difference for you but don't be to hard on yourself. Loads of women have this problem.

Original poster
ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 11:27

Tyrion
I am inhibited too in some situations. I LOVE dancing but never dance in public- feel too shy and exposed. Yet put me in front of an audience to talk etc and I'm fine Confused

FWIW My Missing O has become the elephant in the room with DH. Even without sayig anything, I know we are both thinking "Will it happen today".

Maybe he IS a useless lover- he had about 5 long term gfs before me. He says they all came- and they were younger than me- early 20s etc. I don't think he is lying- but maybe they were :)

How can I take the pressure off myself?

(Apart from stopping posting on MN)

OP posts:
dranksinatra · 30/08/2012 11:28

clemantis is a monty python thing.

HooNose · 30/08/2012 11:30

I can sort of relate to this. Not the failure to orgasm bit - I have always found that quite easy - but the inhibitions, the embarrassment at being seen during the throes of orgasm, and the disappointment at not being touched inside. I have also been with my partner for more than 2 decades Blush

ThemissingO, forgive me if I am being simplistic, but when you say you can't stand for your partner to see your orgasm face, can't you overcome that by either making love in the dark or by lying on your stomach with him behind you? (Both techniques used by me Blush) I would have thought, given his desire to please you, he would accept any conditions for the time being.

HooNose · 30/08/2012 11:33

Oh and don't be put off that his previous girlfriends all orgasmed with him. They were younger! It is usually easier when you are younger. When I was in my 20s, I could have 3 orgasms a day, easily, more, probably. Now I feel good to have 3 a month!

Original poster
ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 11:33

Owl-no I wasn't brought up to think of sex or nudity as shameful. BUT I recall my mum catching me masturbating when I was very young ( pre puberty) although at the time I didn't know what I was doing. She didn't react but I somehow felt guilty. They were very very protective of me, and didn't want or expect me to have sex before marriage ( which they hadn't) and I suppose I had to rebel against their conventions. I don't feel that this had contributed to how I am now- but who knows. I was brought up to believe that sex was part of a loving relationship- as long as you had signed a bit of paper! I've never felt any guilt over sex but like many women my age it's not something I can discuss with my (elderly) mum who has only had 1 man in her life- my dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThemissingO · 30/08/2012 11:34

Hoo- yes, face down would be fine!

OP posts:
Lueji · 30/08/2012 11:36

If you lose focus, would it help to keep a fantasy in your head?

If I don't I don't get there, but I usually get there every time, and sometimes hardly need physical stimulation.

Lueji · 30/08/2012 11:38

BTW, said girlfriends could have faked it...
And, as I said, they might have a way of getting there without relying too much on him...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 11:40

"Maybe he IS a useless lover"

Yes he is. When you've got a partner that is inhibited, shy and nervous about sex, it is very bad manners to point out that all your previous partners had no trouble having an orgasm for one. And second, if that same shy partner plucks up the courage to tell you what would help them acheive orgasm and you ignore them and keep doing the button-pushing stuff that works for you but not for them then it's selfish and inconsiderate.

dranksinatra · 30/08/2012 11:42

Op, i wish you all the best with this, that one day, the "walls" will come tumbling down, as it were.

HooNose · 30/08/2012 11:43

Agree with Lueji - I have fantasies which get me going. Unfortunately, I don't feel able to share them with dh, but they are important to me to get me in the mood and focused (so your problem of thoughts of Tesco don't intervene!) Usually, when things are reaching a peak, I abandon the fantasy and can just go with the physical stimulation. Is this something you can relate to?

NicholasTeakozy · 30/08/2012 11:49

I think Wideboy is a reader of Viz.

Wideboy · 30/08/2012 12:09

Is clematis a typo? Oh do lighten up, some of you. Thank goodness Beckamaw got it.

OwlLady · 30/08/2012 12:16

I loved it, it has made my day wideboy :)

polkadotsrock · 30/08/2012 13:13

I've never orgasmed either and have had all kinds of wonderful sex with different partners! I had high hopes in the early days of my marriage but they have all but disintegrated. I'd settle for shit sex atm!!
Having said that I am the same as a poster above in that I am so happy in other ways that it's not too big a deal in general.

wordfactory · 30/08/2012 18:15

Facsinating article in the Times att he Weekend by Naomi Wolfe about Orgasms and sex.

A doc told her that women's pelvic nerves are not all the same. Some congrgate in the clitoris, some in the vagina, some ina specific G spot, some in the perenium etc.

So no matter how much stimulation, if it's the wrong area, you're buggered.

RightFedUp · 30/08/2012 18:32

'buggered' lol!

toptramp · 30/08/2012 21:20

I don't orgasm easily at all but I just love sex. For me the journey is far more important that the end result. Many men feel that thay have failed if I don't come; far from it. I have enjoyed virtually all of my sexual encounters; have had amazing pleasure and have let go. I find my orgasms very intense; almost to pain and if a man can't make me come I think no less of him; it's my issue.

I think coming is far more important to men than to me. Rather like scoring a goal whereas I love every minute of sex; not just the release. In fact one reason why I find it hard to come mabe because it means that teh sex is over; just an opinion. I think women generally find it harder than men.

The big o is also harder to pinpoint for women than men. My lover had me screaming for more recently but I'm not sure I came; he still had me screaming though; it was great! I find it easier to come with a rampant rabbit but I would rather have sex with a man and not come than have sex with a rabbit and come. Hope that makes sense.

toptramp · 30/08/2012 21:21

And I really don't think that not coming means that you are buggered. Men just see it as the best outcome whereas I enjoy every kiss, caress and er lick!