Just how DO I have an orgasm ( with my DH)? Might be TMI.

[ThemissingO]

Yes, that's it. Treat me gently please.

Thank God for name change. I am embarrassed admitting this. Been married for 20+ years and never had an orgasm with a man. Ever. I had body issues for a while due to surgery after pregnancy- had an extensive repair. I then had another health issue which meant penetrative sex was off the menu for several years though we did " cuddle".

Before I married I had a handful of partners but a couple were very inexperienced sexually so not much joy there . I never masturbated to orgasm as a teenager or younger woman, and only managed this a few years back.

DH is very kind, patient etc etc, but my "missing O" has now become a "thing"- for me more than him- he doesn't put any pressure on me at all, but he tries so hard and for so long that I feel under pressure to reach one to "thank him for his hard work" IYSWIM.

I reach the point where I am pretty turned on but then become self conscious, or start thinking of what we need from Tescos- you know that kind of thing.

I can't let go, and even when I masturbate I lose my focus and it takes me ages- I have a vibrator but DH doesn't know and I am too shy to tell him.

Drink doesn't help, (I don't anyway due to medical reasons) nothing helps- has anyone any ideas because I am really not getting much out of sex at all.

Oh- and we know which bits to touch- he's not doing anything wrong- he knows what to do, but it's just not working!

Do you have oral sex OP? always the quickest route to orgasm, for me anyway

...still sniggering at clematis. Honestly, get a bullet vibrator, practice on yourself. Don't use it for a week and then go for it with DH. Get it going on your aspidistra whilst he's inside of you...decide if it works best with you on top or him behind (whilst he very slowly goes in and out on last inch of you...get's my g spot like this) and bobs your uncle.

P.S., Had my first orgasm at 38, first one with dh about a year ago (4 years later) and it CAN be overcome!!

Just gonna say it;

I can only come by;

a) Laying on my front.
b) OH giving me clitoral and internal stimulation (bit of both, or at the same timeis better). He sits next to me facing my feet and uses his right hand between my legs.
c) Talking dirty to me
d) Lube (natural or KY)
e) I'm overweight, size 20.. we dress up, he loves it and I can cover up my wobbly bits makes me feel sexy. We always have the lights on.

Never orgasmed with partner of 9yrs, never came close.

Current OH took 1yr, and now it happens every time.

I masturbate frequently, with and without a vibrator (giant bullet from Ann Summers), watch a little adult stuff now and then on my own. Always takes me 3 times as long with OH to Orgasm still, but getting better.

Hope that helps! [grins]

toptramp - I think sex all the way through is good but orgasms are extremely important to me and most of my women friends.Sex isnt over if a woman orgasms thats why most men make the woman come first.Usually once you have orgasmed through foreplay it means sex is way better after orgasm.

I dont think it is any harder for a woman to orgasm than a man and if it is then its i n the mind like the ops case.The best thing to do would be to access councelling to deal with your inhibitions op.

Reading your post, OP, I could have written that! It's quite helpful for me to hear that someone has had a similar experience. I am now 43 and have got to a stage where I think orgasm isn't what it's all about. I've had some pretty good sex in my life, and with my present DP, it's not about orgasm for me, but I adore him and don't want anyone else.

And another thing, (warming to a theme here) I think TopTramp has it so right. Not everyone is having orgasms at the drop of a hat. And it doesn't have to be a problem.

Some women come a lot more easily than others. For that matter, some men come a lot more easily than others, too. At least two men of my acquaintance struggle to come during partnered sex, with any partner (and no, I wasn't shagging them, so they weren't saying that to make me feel better). People aren't all wired quite the same, and it's not a given that a particular woman will come as easily as the man she happens to be with.

And yeah, a lot of what makes sex work or not work is in the head - doesn't make it an easy fix.

If he's a nice man, tell him about the vibrator; show him how you enjoy it and let him "help". He'll be happy that you're finally getting some pleasure.

I think I do feel sad that I don't come easily; almost inferior in the same way that having a c section did. It makes me feel a bit lacking as a woman BUT I still enjoy sex a lot. Mabe teh men I've been with just don't have a good enough technique.

Go nitrox I've never come through penetration ever. Tongue n fingers all the way

Why can't you blindfold your DH then he definitely can't see you orgasm? It may help you let go.

Re the vibrator, if you can orgasm with it, then you should just tell your DH that due to his suggestion you got one.

Maybe if you spent a while thinking about stuff that turns you on before you start anything with DH you would be some way there and it may help.

I agree that a lot of it is to do with what goes on in your head. I think it has become the elephant in the room every time you have sex.

You should try to spend more time with that vibrator once it becomes easier for you to orgasm alone you can introduce it into the bedroom with DH.

apologies for way TMI here but i had to comment! i am like you OP - I find it hard to cum, my mind just wanders, especially if i'm on my own i start doing shopping lists....my mind is a bit 'butterfly' in general. It also doesnt help that i don't really have 'a fantasy' there's no particular thing that gets me off? BUT, this is absolutely not my husband's fault! yeah in previous relationships i might have been too self conscious, but not with hubby. he can see my sexfaces, he turns me on and makes me go 'phwoar' and will do anything i ask, is an amazing lover. i super enjoy sex with him...but i just don't cum. the other day hesurprised me by doin the most amazing things to me, like he was reading my mind and i actually sobbed and told him to 'stop before i die' because i was so turned on - but its a different sensation to me cumming and i knew i wasnt going to.

for me, it's not a problem, i enjoy the sex anyway without and if I want to cum around his cock/shake things up a little i just introduce a powerful vibe, which gets me there and he likes feeling the vibration 2nd hand too . in fact the other day was the first nonvibe orgasm i've had with him - was v turned on & i sat on him and used ky on myself (just an idea)

if you're not happy, then work on it, but i didnt want you to think that this is some kind of subconscious mistrust of your partner or that you need a more macho partner or somesuch crap us butterfly minded girls can still have a good time ;)

agree totally with toptramp, and for the record, i'm in my 20s and was not brought up to think of sex as dirty at all, parents were v tactile etc