Living with an alcoholic

[scandy]

I'm wondering if there are other people out there who live with an alcoholic and could do with some support?

My partner is a "functioning" alcoholic in as much that he still manages to go to work most days, and doesn't drink during the daytime. He does however drink enormous amounts every evening and it is getting harder and harder for me to deal with. I am 33 weeks pregnant with our first child and I am so scared of bringing our baby up with an alcoholic father. I try to talk to him about quitting but he refuses to discuss the subject.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

I'm not an alcoholic's girlfriend but an alcoholic's sister.

Has he ever shown any understanding that he drinks more than is healthy or normal?

so how many times a week would he miss a day's work, typically?
does he get angry or annoyed when he refuses to discuss it?
what are 'enormous quantities'?
does his behavior change when he has been drinking?

The considered reply...
Have you visited Al-Anon website yet? Please go there first, it is very helpful.

Alcoholism is a complex disorder with both physical and mental spheres. I could fill several pages with guff about this...

Does your partner not make it to work because he's too hungover occasionally? Does he accept that he's hungover, or put it down to 'having a bit of a bug'?

Is he fooling anyone except himself?

Alcoholics do recover, especially from the early-ish stage that your dp sounds like he's at, but it's a long hard road for all involved. We will be with you though. xx

Yes he definitely knows. He calls himself an alcoholic (only in front of me, he wouldn't let it on to friends / family). He also says that he is going to quit but refuses to discuss when / how. I'm running out of ideas for how to help him, he won't let me.

Nelly, he misses a day every other week or so. Yes he gets very angry with me when I try to discuss it. The amounts - around 8 cans of strong lager every evening. Never less, often more. I have forbidden wine and spirits in the house, it used to be 2-3 bottles of wine a night.

that's because he is the only one who can help himself. he doesn't know how to quit, it's a habit ingrained in him and needs professional help and it's too easy to hit the bottle rather than facing up to the situation. I can't offer any solutions here, just an understanding ear and i hope he faces up to it all.

dunno scandy, it's a tricky one......that is alot....

I'm in a similar situation.

It's shit. It won't improve when your baby is born (2 babies later I have learned that lesson).

Your DP might lose his job and will struggle to motivate himself to apply for another.

Your DP refuses to discuss it - is he in denial? Or does he acknowledge there is a problem?

You know, my best advice to you if he refuses to discuss it or do anything about it is this: leave him. Now. The only reason I haven't left mine yet is because mine knows he has a problem and will discuss it with me. He even tries (sometimes) not to drink. I have a glimmer of -delusioned hope. But your situation sounds unbearable. Sorry.

The fact that he's admitted his alcoholism to someone other than himself is a massive step and deserves several big hugs to both of you.
The downside is that he has made you co-dependant with him. You now feel obliged to help him carry on with his recovery, including all his lapses, emotional crises, and general going tits-ups.
You HAVE to repeat to him, time and time again if necessary, that your unborn child is the priority, and you will always have to put her/his needs first.
Scandy, I have to go to bed soon, and I'm away for a couple of days after that, but I will be back online by Saturday.
Goodnight xx

you cannot inflict an alcoholic dad on your kid.

I don't want to inflict an alcoholic dad on my son, what I want is for him to stop drinking and be the kind lovely dad I know he would be...

scandy i am not being judgemental or anything, but it is so easy to be fooled by the potential of someone rather than the reality.
alcoholics are so selfish and retarded, I know I just threw one out.
it's the only thing to do with them.

I am sorry but I think it's unreasonable to have a baby living around an alcoholic.

I think you should ask him to leave until he sorts himself out and he is safe to be around your baby.

Reading some of the responses on here it's no wonder that alcoholics find it so difficult to address their problems - there's so much shame attached. I've had numerous friends and acquaintances who are/have been alcoholics. There's a fine line between giving them the love and support they need and becoming an enabler.

OP you should follow the advice to go to Al-Anon but your partner must also get to AA - he must at least try to give up now. And he needs to understand that there's no 'cutting down'. He needs help to give up totally. According to AA it's now believed that alcoholics actually metabolise alcohol differently from the rest of us. I can't comprehend 'drinking to forget your problems' etc - I love to drink but hate the feeling of being drunk.

So OP he's already missing a day every couple of weeks - that's 10% of the working week and will soon be flagged up with his employer. He can be sacked for this - you can discriminate against alcoholics. His behaviour changes when drunk - he becomes angry when confornted about his drinking. What about other alcoholic behaviour? Has he ever wet himself? Do other people comment about his drinking?

Scandy
I know you don't want to hear this but your only sane option is to detach from him. Continuing in a co-dependent relationship with an alcoholic will wreck your emotional health completely. You are weeks away from having your first child and it will be tainted by his drinking. You will be best served by leaving him now and making plans to be supported by others.
I'm sure you won't though :(

What Erik stated.

"I don't want to inflict an alcoholic dad on my son, what I want is for him to stop drinking and be the kind lovely dad I know he would be".

You will if you stay with such a man. Not fair on the child.

The above thought is a triumph of hope over experience. It won't happen because his primary relationship first and foremost is with drink and he won't quit because he does not want to. You are too close to the situation to be of any real help, besides which he does not want your help!!!. What can you do anyway with him, other than leave?. You have no other choice really. Your situation is really no different to other women faced with their alcoholic man, it really is not.

Talking to alcoholics is about as effective as spitting in the ocean.

Put you and your unborn child first for a change and stop trying to help him because what you have tried to date has not worked and has only made things worse for you. You're codependent on him as well and that is unhealthy.

The 3cs re alcoholism you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

My ex-H was not alcohol dependent but the rest of his family were and he wasn't far behind. IME they are not pleasant people to be around purely and simply because nothing gets priority over the alcohol. Not you, baby, job, friends... nothing. Sort of manageable if you only have yourself to look out for. Bring a baby into the mix and the cracks will show up so wide you'll never be able to relax.

Promising to stop is just kicking the can further down the road. 'Functioning' is in the eye of the beholder. The night you find yourself having to call an ambulance because you or your baby are sick and he's too pissed to drive you to a hospital... that's when you start to regret your choice.

My sister was with a man like that for years with a baby her life was absolute hell. He never made any effort with my nephew and has caused so much pain and dysfunction over the years.

You will soon be at the stage of your pregnancy where your labour can start any day. He needs to understand that you can not have someone with you on your way to hospital (would he be driving you?) or in hospital who has had a (even one!) drink. It looks like this is the perfect time for him to stop "for a while" if he has any intention to attend the birth. I would make it clear to him that you will not have him with you if he's even a little tipsy. Good luck, this is hard for you both....

Thanks all for your messages, I know you all mean well though I'm surprised at all the calls to leave him. I'm not going to leave him, I never intended to, I didn't start this thread to ask "shall I leave my partner". He's my other half, the father of my son, I will help him him and love him every step of the way however difficult it gets. If I leave him, what reason does he have to stop drinking? He'll drink himself to death. He wants to stop, he knows how bad it is. If I was one of the Brave Bus ladies I'm sure you wouldn't have advised that my partner should take the baby and leave me?

Fortyplus, thank you for your advice. Yes I have checked out at Al-anon website and I think I will try a meeting and take it from there.

Thanks Schmumty. I've told him he won't be welcome to the birth if he has been drinking. It would be incredibly sad if he missed it and he knows that so I am hoping he will hold up the drinking at least for a little while, or that I can get him to AA before.

Sorry, Shmumty!

live your own life. scandy. be independant financially from him. dont expect to rely on him.
ring aa. and they will tell you It is HIs issue. you must not count the beers or thinka about them, dont let it contorl your life.

" If I leave him, what reason does he have to stop drinking?"

The crux of the matter is that he is in a no-risk situation from his point of view. There are no consequences to his actions and therefore he has no motivation to behave any differently. You keep saying 'he wants to stop' but there is precious little evidence of him making a serious effort to do so. You have to create some kind of motivation and that may mean saying that, if he doesn't quit, he'll have to leave. Focus the mind.