Living with an alcoholic

[scandy]

I'm wondering if there are other people out there who live with an alcoholic and could do with some support?

My partner is a "functioning" alcoholic in as much that he still manages to go to work most days, and doesn't drink during the daytime. He does however drink enormous amounts every evening and it is getting harder and harder for me to deal with. I am 33 weeks pregnant with our first child and I am so scared of bringing our baby up with an alcoholic father. I try to talk to him about quitting but he refuses to discuss the subject.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

I found Al-Anon really useful. However, I found that when trying to 'detach with love' that I'd already just detached but was hanging on to the relationship through a misguided sense of loyalty.
There is a lot of support there though and they really did try to help and encourage me to stay (gently with no pressure!)

For me though I'd just got tired of all the lies about how he would change and how it was all my fault anyway.

Hope he does change for you, but the other posters are right. It can't just be cutting back. It has to be abstinence or he'll just gradually increase amounts again.

If I leave him, what reason does he have to stop drinking?

He'd have the cold hard realisation that his drinking is costing him everything he holds dear and so he would be faced with the choice of either staying drunk and alone forever more, or stopping and having a chance of winning back his family. As for drinking himself to death: He's doing that already. Right in front of you.

I'd look at it the other way - if you stay, what reason does he have to stop drinking? What's his motivation? He's got a wife, a child on the way and a roof over his head even though he gets drunk as a skunk every night. Why on earth would he stop? What's in it for him?

If there's one thing I've learned from dealing with my alcoholic ex, it's to pay a lot less attention to words and a lot more attention to actions. An alcoholic who vaguely talks about stopping drinking at some point in the future is just an actively drinking alcoholic. Most of them do talk of stopping, or cutting down, or doing something, at some point in the future. It's just talk.

There's a very good book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I urge you to read it.

Good Luck! I'm glad to see you're considering Al-Anon.

You really should make getting to their meetings a priority before the baby is born- it'll be harder after!

Doing so will do two things- you'll educate yourself and aslo show your partner that this is serious, that you are taking it seriously.

Remember
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

If you stay what reason does he have to stop drinking?

You are as much caught up in his alcoholism as he is judging by your comment below:-

"I'm not going to leave him, I never intended to, I didn't start this thread to ask "shall I leave my partner". He's my other half, the father of my son, I will help him him and love him every step of the way however difficult it gets. If I leave him, what reason does he have to stop drinking? He'll drink himself to death. He wants to stop, he knows how bad it is. If I was one of the Brave Bus ladies I'm sure you wouldn't have advised that my partner should take the baby and leave me? "

Alcoholism is a family disease.

What makes you so sure that you can beat his alcoholism?. You cannot and that is the long and short of it. "Helping him" and "loving him" like you are is not helping and what you have tried to date has not worked because you cannot help someone like this. You are his codependent enabler. He is telling you what you want to hear, look at his actions and what he does rather than just hearing his fancy words.

As for your comment re the brave bus ladies why should your partner take the baby and leave you. No-one has suggested that so where have you got that erroneous idea from?. It should be you and your baby leaving him actually.

He is already drinking himself to death and you can do nothing to stop that process in its tracks.

If you stay as well, what incentive is there for him to stop drinking?. You will carry on enabling him and propping him up and by then as well it will not be just you seeing all this but your child as well.

You wrote earlier that, "I don't want to inflict an alcoholic dad on my son, what I want is for him to stop drinking and be the kind lovely dad I know he would be..."
These two aims are incompatible with each other. By staying too, you will inflict an alcoholic dad on your child.

You cannot get him to go to AA if he does not want to go, being coerced by someone else i,e you into going is a dead cert for failure to start with.

Would suggest you scandy talk to Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers. Do try one of their meetings or at the very least read their literature.

I try to talk to him about quitting but he refuses to discuss the subject.

He wants to stop, he knows how bad it is.

You are deep in denial. I'm sorry you don't like my opinion but you are onto a hiding to nothing while you are stuck in this minimising, co-dependent role. Good luck with everything.

Scandy, I've been exactly where you are - pregnant and scared - and, like you, would not have much liked the advice you've been offered. I would have probably said something like this too:

He's my other half, the father of my son, I will help him him and love him every step of the way however difficult it gets. If I leave him, what reason does he have to stop drinking? He'll drink himself to death. He wants to stop, he knows how bad it is

This is seriously bad thinking. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your baby and it saddens me that you are making plans for the birth that include the possibility that your partner may not be sober enough to be there. You and your child deserve so much better than this.

Woah there!

Having told the OP its not her fault, that she can't control or cure him let's not all wade in with accusations of denial and 'leave him' advice.

scandy-please do go to Al Anon, listen, get some suggestions from people who have been and are now in your situation and take it from there.

Wow coming on here has been the least helpful and supportive thing imaginable. Really did not expect that level of hostility.

Attila obviously what I meant was that if I was the drinker and saying I'm trying to stop, like the Brave Bus ladies, would you recommend my boyfriend takes the baby and leaves me to it? I don't think so, everyone cheers them on and gives them lots of support, somehow it is different because he is a man.

Anyway, I will leave this thread now because all your hurtful comments are really the last thing I need right now, it's is hard enough as it is.

'Support' sometimes means being very blunt and pointing out the hurtful truth. For those of us who have been in relationships with alcohol-abusers we probably all realise that we wasted far too much time and suffered personally for thinking our love could solve their problem. So we would like to save someone else the bother of making the same mistake. Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear but would urge you not to regard it as hostility.

Just coming on to say hello.

I have put my 'story' on bushys thread. I can understand where you are coming from. My DP and dad to DS has just given up drinking after a 'career' of drinking spanning over 25 years. We are 6 weeks in. I would describe him alcohol dependent as he didn't miss work thru it, until the point when he decided to quit.

My DP has received help and medication from GP. He is also seeing a counsellor from a rehabilitation team.

scandy, I send you my love and hope things improve for you. I also hope you may come back to this thread as there is a lot of love and support from mumsnetters. It is very isolating, I wasn't really able to discuss it with my friends or family because I feared they would tell me I ought to leave. It is hard for people to understand what you are going through and how alcohol can change your very nice DP or H into a different person.

I'm sorry if you felt I was hostile. I was going for dose of reality but you aren't ready.
The brave babes are all seeking help for their addictions and working through their issues. Your dp is not.
I have been there. I have had to pull the car seat out of H's hands when he tried to carry it, with infant DS in, and stumbled against the wall because he was pissed. I've lain awake for hours trying to keep co-sleeping DS asleep while I make sure h vomits into a bucket rather than on the carpet or back down his own throat.
I'm not hostile to you, I'm trying to help. But, like all of us, you probably have to live it to learn it.
You won't get advice on here on how to 'manage' his drinking, or how to minimise the effect it has on you or your DS. I think that is what you are looking for.

scandy, it's not because he's a man. I'm a man.

It's because you're pregnant and he's an alcoholic who has done nothing about his alcoholism other than some vague suggestions that, at some unspecified point in the future, he might do something about his drinking.

When I was still with my alcoholic ex I found Al-Anon very helpful. I found one-on-one counselling to be even more helpful. In all of it, what was the most beneficial was to have people who aided me in getting my attention off of my ex and her drinking and on to the utter shambles that my life had become.

I was in a relationship with someone for whom booze was much more important than I, or our children were. That's what being in a relationship with an alcoholic is about. Everything else comes a distant second place to booze.

Ignore this all you want to but the cold hard truth about addictions is that it is not within your power to stop him drinking. He doesn't want to stop. Yes, he might say he does but until he actually starts doing something other than just talking about it, his actions make it clear that he doesn't want to stop drinking regardless of the effect on you.

Alcohol is more important to him than your happiness. Is that good enough for you?

scandy

Calling people "hostile" is not helpful is it?. You are proof that alcoholism is indeed a family disease because you are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. Sorry that you do not want to acknowledge any of that but I for one am not go to say there there it will be okay once the child is born or tell you how to control or police his drinking because that would be a huge disservice to you.

He will not go back to being the kind man he once was because that was a mirage; the alcoholic you are seeing now is the real him. I hope you come back and if you do you will be more ready to accept facts.

My lovely, beautiful, kind and loving mother was an alcoholic for all of my childhood. I loved her and knew she loved me but the illness ate away at her for many years. I grew up feeling responsible and utterly desperate for her to stop drinking. It undoubtably damaged my brother and I.

She became sober, (through AA) when I was 18 and we had 7 years to repair. Sadly we then lost her to cancer.

You MUST get help and support for yourself. This in turn will help your child and your DH.

Al-Anon

An amazing organisation to help you through these difficult times.

Good luck.

I wonder what op expected as answers on this thread

She said in her initial post that she was wondering if anyone else was in a similar situation. Maybe just that?

Fair point. not advice then? just support (opening line of op)

Seems to me that a great deal of the advice given here was meant to be in support and some came from those in similar positions.

Difficult to offer support that encourages continuing as you are

I would imagine that OP was hoping to hear from other MNetters with DHs like her husband and snapped out of it once the baby was born.

Sadly I don't think anyone can reassure her that that has ever happened. In case you're still here OP, he will only stop behaving like this when he realises that he is an Alcoholic. Going to Al- Anon and getting support for you is your best bet.

I think it's a bit short sighted to say you can't have a baby around an alcoholic . Many people drink every evening and too much but would never see they have a problem. I grew up with a functioning alcoholic for a father . No one knew and just thought he was a good laugh. Fast forward a few years . He has cancer and is very poorly , I believe due to his lifestyle choices . In my experience alcoholics are selfish , liars and fairly manipulative . I love my dad but wish he hadnt chosen the life he did

Scandy - my DP is alcoholic. Never in the daytime and no hangovers so no missing work, prob drinks about the same as yours but limited to say 4 nights a week. My DP's issue is that he lied about drinking/hid cans/bottles etc. This led to drink driving on occassion

I had a thread on here a while ago, had lovely support and also some telling me to leave, was good to read all the different opinions and people mean well.

For me, him leaving was not what I wanted. I did make him stay elsewhere for a while though. He came to the realisation in that time that he did not want to lose his family or himself and quit drinking. He's been two weeks without so far.

He has been to the gp and spoken with AA. We will see how it goes, it is early days so far.

I wish you luck and suggest you read Al Anon and the Alcoholics handbook on the AA site. Would your dh listen to a dr? Have liver tests done? Something to shock him into wanting to stop?

My dad is an alcoholic. My childhood was horrific and I'm also angry at my mum, who enables him. She refuses to leave him so I do blame her in part for my childhood. Sadly all my dads family come second to alcohol- its an awful thing to realise as a child. I remember trying to stop him drink driving, having to beg fr money for food when my mother was in hospital and also having to care for my siblings when she was there.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I can't help him- he has to want to stop.

Please (and I mean this in the kindest way) open your eyes up to him and his behaviour. Your happy family scenario without him drinking is just a dream at the moment.

Your happy family scenario without him drinking is just a dream at the moment.

But it can happen- do go to Al-Anon. and go now before the baby is born.

OP, I hope you don't mind me suggesting you need to be very clear in your mind how you are going to keep your baby safe around your partner, especially in the first few weeks. No matter how tired you are you cannot leave him alone to hold or feed your baby when he has had a lot of alcohol. Personally I wouldn't want anyone to even carry my baby across a room with 8 cans of lager inside them.

What ever your plans are for supporting him as his partner he cannot provide competent or safe care for your child when he's drunk. Please think through your support networks for the first few weeks when you will be recovering from the birth.