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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you've had an affair or your partner has had one, did your react as you thought you would?

69 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 28/08/2012 15:19

And have your attitudes changed as a result?

I fell into the trap of blaming OW - self-protection really. I never thought I would as logic dictates DH was the betrayer, but the anger I felt towards her was visceral. Now things are calmer I don't feel that way.

I was desperate for DH not to go (to start with) and I always thought that an affair would be a deal-breaker.I couldn't beleive how much the thought of losing him hurt me.

I found I have a bigger capacity for forgiveness.

My marriage matters much more to me than I had realised.

Just wondering how it has affected others.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/08/2012 15:26

I also found I had a "bigger capacity for forgiveness" than I originally thought when ex-H broke the news. Turned out that was just pathetic desperation to keep the marriage together, borne of my own insecurity. A few weeks down the track and I realised my self-respect mattered more than a marriage to a shit. The OW, as far as I was concerned, had done me a massive favour.

villagelife92 · 28/08/2012 15:34

I was sick when i found out, although that may have been due to being pregnant. For a few days i couldn't bare to touch my ex but i tried to work through it, but I quickly realised I'd lost all trust and respect for him. We split up a few weeks after, but there were other factors for splitting up.
I don't think of the ow, it turned out there was lots of them.

CremeEggThief · 28/08/2012 16:21

I have surprised myself by keeping my dignity and having as little to do with the cheating bastard as possible. I always used to think if it ever happened to me, I might just stop short of what Lorena Bobbitt did, but I would definitely dish out a few slaps, thrash belongings, etc. In fact, STBXH had the cheek to say in surprise, "Oh. You're taking this much better than I expected", a day or two after he dropped his bombshell. Yeah, that's 'cos I don't want to give you the satisfaction of seeing how much you have hurt me, wanker!

OliveandJim · 28/08/2012 16:28

My mum had a great capacity for forgiveness, with time I learned to value that. Being able to forgive someone is IMHO a true gesture of love. You can't forgive someone you don't love.

You sound like you have true complicity with DH, I don't want to upset you but perhaps OW brought out some issues you both needed to deal with. If there is the desire on both sides to learn from this eposide and grow stronger, forgiveness is the only way not to go bonkers over it.

Good for you. It takes a great person to have the heart to forgive and a lot fo love.

Looksgoodingravy · 28/08/2012 16:33

I never thought I would stay with someone who had cheated on me but I have. A huge part of this has to do with dp remorse for his actions, he looked like a broken man when I said I wanted him gone. He has begged me for a second chance and after 17 years together and a five year old I've decided that I will give him a second chance, whether 12 months down the line I still can't forgive him remains to be seen, the trust has been shattered Sad

As for the o(women) I still feel anger towards them, one in particular who responded to my message was particularly nasty and vindictive, I blame all concerned in the betrayal.

Looksgoodingravy · 28/08/2012 16:35

I'm not at the forgiveness stage yet.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 28/08/2012 16:41

looksgood - I haven't forgiven all as a whole as yet. There are times when I feel overwhelmed. But I have learned to look at the affair in little chunks. That way it all seems ridiculously petty and trivial and much easier to forgive.

OP posts:
RightFedUp · 28/08/2012 16:44

No.
I and everyone who knew me would have expected me to go mental. I was very calm initially. Looking back, I think I was in shock.

It's over a year now. We are both working really hard on this. We have had fab times but I'm having a major wobble at the moment. I trust him and I forgive him but I still feel deeply deeply wounded and sad.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 28/08/2012 16:47

Yes, I was calm to start with too.

OP posts:
Lovemy3kids · 28/08/2012 16:47

I had always said that as soon as any man cheated on me I would leave.....until it actually happened. I managed to forgive (but not forget) and we remained together....then he had a second affair.....and I forgave again. When I found out about his 3rd affair.....I realised that I had no more forgiveness in me and left.......he's gone on to cheat on his gf's, and is now with a woman who knows all about his past and accepts him for what he is (fool I call her....but each to their own). Some people do change once affairs come out....but others don't. I am very guarded about trusting anyone now Sad

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 28/08/2012 16:49

Ouch, lovemy3kids Sad On my worst days I wonder if that will be me in a few years time. I want to trust him, my instinct is to do so, but fear makes it hard.

OP posts:
Looksgoodingravy · 28/08/2012 16:50

Rightfedup - that was me, totally calm, my whole body was full of adrenaline mind but outwardly you would never know.

Orm - I find the worst times are when I'm on my own especially the drive into work (whcih takes about 25 mins) I dwell on it then but when we're together it seems easier.

Dryjuice25 · 28/08/2012 16:50

I was livid. I called ow who confirmed the affair. As soon as he got in I grabbed him by the collar...lo and behold all hell broke loose and he showed what abig man he really was and beat the life out of me....and oh, he also took the opportunity to sexually relieve himself whilst at it....like Ike to Turner. My biggest regret is leaving the rapist and women beater and not report the crime.

Looksgoodingravy · 28/08/2012 16:51

Sorry Lovemy3kids Sad

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 28/08/2012 17:01

Shock dryjuice! So sorry. What a vile man!

OP posts:
Dryjuice25 · 28/08/2012 17:24

Ormiriathomimus-I know. Can't believe I didn't report him. That was 10 years ago and I was young (early 20s) and just wanted out. Yes he is vile and I still haven't forgiven the crime.....and I still hate his guts now
I probably would have forgiven the cheating as at that point I had cheated too.It was a just a doomed relationship

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/08/2012 17:25

"I want to trust him, my instinct is to do so, but fear makes it hard. "

It's not fear that makes it hard. It's the fact that he's a lying cheat that makes it hard. If your instinct is to see the best in people, it is not serving you well.

Original poster
Ormiriathomimus · 28/08/2012 18:24

I guess time will tell cogito

OP posts:
Looksgoodingravy · 28/08/2012 18:32

It's hard to stay and hard to leave. Dp totally blindsided me. Affairs were going on all around me, I was so relieved I was with the man I 'thought' would be the one person never to do this to me, honestly. I had my suspicions but never dreamed he do what he did. He'd taken a year out of our relationship, he'd acted like a kid in a sweet shop almost, only he did this without my knowledge. It's gutting, absolutely gutting.

Whether I've made the right decision in giving dp a second chance remains to be seen, part of me believes him when he says this will NEVER happen again but the trust is shattered. I love him when he's with me but when we're apart the doubt creeps in, if I can't get past the doubting phase I don't know what I'll do but I do want to work on this.

Looksgoodingravy · 28/08/2012 18:35

Have to say we've talked more than ever and when I have my moments he's there to reassure me. Without this and his patience (which he needs lots of now and for a long time yet) our relationship would have ended I'm sure.

Bellie · 28/08/2012 18:55

I went mad to start with. I was ready to kick him out as I always said that I would do. He had been having an affair for more than a year when I found out about it.

He begged forgiveness. I forgave him. We went for counselling. I thought we were working on it. I was desperate for the marriage to work.

13 months later he left. For the same OW.

The papers are in for divorce now, at my instigation.

Lovemy3kids · 28/08/2012 19:12

My STBXH and I talked more than ever after each affair. After his second affair (when our DD was 5 months old) we tried counselling....but ex wouldn't open up at these sessions and became a brick wall. After that, we were never allowed to talk about it because he couldn't handle it so it became the elephant in the room. Talking does help if both parties are willing. I've lived and learned (and so have my 3DC) but I know I'll never be taken for a fool again!

Good luck OP.....I hope you can make it work xx

moonfacebaby · 28/08/2012 21:10

I went nuts & attacked him on the night I found out.

I always said I would finish it with anyone who did it to me, but I didn't.

He ended the affair a few days after I found out & we have had over 3 months of trying to work through it.

It has been an awful time & we are about to spend a month apart to see where it takes us. H is very, very sorry for what he did but he wants to make sure that he is fully committed to the reconciliation process - so I haven't had as much reassurance as I needed tbh, but i have had him telling me he loves me & that he doesn't want to hurt me ever again in this way.

This limbo/ambivalent state has been tough - I can see why he has been like this but I sometimes think I have the patience of a fucking saint (or am a bloody mug). How I have hung in there this long, I'll never know.....it's just a feeling that i know he's in there somewhere, buried underneath his shame & guilt & knowing that he's fucked up big style. I just think its been so emotional & confusing, that it's been difficult to know what the right thing to do is. I have often wished that someone could tell me what I should do for the best & that it would be the right answer.

Whether I'll look back on this and go a)thank god I didn't give up, our marriage is the best it's ever been or b) why did I waste my time?, remains to be seen.

After 14 years with someone, including kids, it's never an easy option to just walk away - but staying isn't easy either. So, easy options are thin on the ground.

All I know is that come the end of September, I will be either starting a proper reconciliation process or ending my marriage for good.

Agnesinroom25 · 28/08/2012 21:24

I always thought I would flip and kick off in a massive way however I was very cam when I found out. I felt suicidal in myself but didn't tell anyone.
He knew I was devastated biut I think he thought I would fight him on things but I didn't, I sort of rolled up into a ball of self protection.
I don't really blame OW. I dislike the fact she got involved with a man with a partner of 15 years who had a young family together but she had no loyalty to me.
However when dp left her she was the one screaming and turning up at my house then spent a week sending me vile abusive messages. I was quite glad I reacted the way I did when I found out about her as she looked like a crazy loon but then again she was just another woman hurt by lies and was lashing out at the wrong person.

soontobedivorced · 28/08/2012 21:31

I think there are many many more men cheating on their wives than we realise. I say this as someone who has been separated two years, been on dating sites, and been approached countless times by married men (and on here also btw) and been really shocked at the numbers of men out there looking outside their marriages. So I guess I'm saying it probably happens more than we think, especially after women have babies and they are lacking the attention they are used to. Don't shout at me, I'm just saying...