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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you've had an affair or your partner has had one, did your react as you thought you would?

69 replies

Ormiriathomimus · 28/08/2012 15:19

And have your attitudes changed as a result?

I fell into the trap of blaming OW - self-protection really. I never thought I would as logic dictates DH was the betrayer, but the anger I felt towards her was visceral. Now things are calmer I don't feel that way.

I was desperate for DH not to go (to start with) and I always thought that an affair would be a deal-breaker.I couldn't beleive how much the thought of losing him hurt me.

I found I have a bigger capacity for forgiveness.

My marriage matters much more to me than I had realised.

Just wondering how it has affected others.

OP posts:

Abitwobblynow · 28/08/2012 21:34

Here, on Mumsnet?

soontobedivorced · 28/08/2012 21:46

yep!

panicnotanymore · 28/08/2012 21:54

I wasn't angry, and I didn't blame anyone but him. As far as I am concerned the OW may have the morals of an alley cat, but she only took what was offered to her on a plate. I think my lack of anger surprised everyone, even me, and before it happened I'd have said I was the type to go a bit nuts and throw him out. Perhaps that would have been a better option for me, but retaining dignity felt important, and no man is worth humiliating yourself over.

He is home now, and desperate to make it work as I am pregnant and he wants to be a dad very badly. Having had my heart broken, turned my back and walked away, filed for divorce and done my grieving, it is harder for me to start again than it is for him. Once upon a time I loved him more than I loved myself. Now I love my baby to be, and for now not much else matters. I will try to love and trust him again, and create a stable family for my child, but I am under no illusions.

The affair has made me stronger and more independent. I guess I have to thank him for that. I will never ever be a door mat to anyone again, and I will be out the door with the baby if he so much as sniffs another skirt again.

soontobedivorced · 28/08/2012 22:11

And villagelife92 and dryjuice, so sorry, what awful stories, to find out your dh/dp is cheating is bad enough :(

soontobedivorced · 28/08/2012 22:12

(hi wobbly)

moonfacebaby · 28/08/2012 22:44

Bloody hell - married men on mumsnet looking for a bit on the side??????

Bastards..........

My H started his affair when our DD2 was just 3 months old - I sometimes feel men are so bloody weak....

As for the OW, I do struggle not to hate (even though it was H's fault). I just find it hard to accept that any woman with an ounce of self respect would actually want to share a man or believe what he is telling her.

I would sometimes like to beat her with my H's dismembered knob- wouldn't do much damage though

thebighouse · 28/08/2012 23:37

My XH made a pass at someone, rather thAn have an affair. She rejected him...

We went to counselling and I thought I was ok. I thought all men did it really. Then four years later I fell in love with someone else and I just walked out. I felt that actually, him being unfaithful was really a metaphor for the fact that he actually didn't like me that much.

So I thought I was ok with it (it was what I expected of men) but actually, I think I had pretty much left the relationship myself when he did that. I never really believed in his live for me afterwards. :(

soontobedivorced · 28/08/2012 23:43

I think there are a lot of men who are faithful (ironically, my ex is one of them) but a lot who aren't as well. I'd be interested to know what the statistics are actually, but we'll never know as who's going to admit to it?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/08/2012 07:53

I think the stats are about 50/50. IME (and this is regardless of gender) I've met several types ... 1. Immature types who are deliberately out there looking for affairs, are utterly careless and will take the opportunity whenever it presents. 2. Romantic types who have no intention of having an affair but get hit by a coup de foudre after meeting someone new, 3. Cautious/repressed/unhappy types who would love an affair but never meet the right person or get the opportunity. 4. (Very common) The intelligent type that doesn't follow 'the script', acts so discreetly and keeps so quiet about it that they are never discovered. I'm sure there are more.

moonfacebaby · 29/08/2012 08:18

Bighouse - I worry that if my H & I manage to work through this, that I will always feel like I wasn't enough for him. It's going to take a lot of hard work on his part to convince me otherwise.

As for the types, I think H was the romantic type - didn't go looking for an affair (although he admits to a low level sense of dissatisfaction with us & starting to notice that women were looking at him) & then didn't put up the right boundaries.

It's interesting reading Shirley Glass's book where she talks about walls & windows - my H was definitely putting up walls with us & opening windows with the OW.

I suppose the biggest change in me is that I've lost the innocent trust that I had in my H. He said that he's scared that I've changed forever - I pointed out that I have & that it's just another consequence of his selfish actions to add to the huge pile.

ButtonButton · 29/08/2012 09:45

You asked from both sides so putting on hat here's mine. I had just come out of a very unhappy marriage, having come home to find the place looking as though it had been burgled- turned out he'd taken everything, and then disappeared for two years).
Six months later whilst out for an evening with a group of friends ended up kissing one goodbye. We were both as surprised as each other. We had been friends for three years. I didn't think of him as anything else. Three years on and we are still together. He is still married. Sometimes I hate myself, I should have stopped it after that first kiss, most of the time I try not to think of his home life.
We have been away on holidays together, work together and most of the time I see more of him in the week than his wife does. I know he cannot be pleasant to live with at home, I've heard all the lies he tells.
If you'd asked me if I would ever be an OW in my 40's I would have thought you were mad and that I thought mistresses were pathetic and under valued them selves. And yet here I am.

Lovemy3kids · 29/08/2012 10:11

moonfacebaby.....I understand where you're coming from with the trust issue. I never felt that i fully trusted my ex again after his first affair, and with each affair it got more and more difficult to learn to trust again. I always had a niggling feeling inside that he would be unfaithful to me again, and it seems I should have trusted my instincts - as he did! Unfortunately, because of his actions, I find it very hard to trust any male.....and I know that it would be a VERY, VERY long time before I put my complete trust in another man - which is a shame as I do know that they are not ALL like that . I hope you ahd H can work through this and come out the other side

BitchyHen · 29/08/2012 10:21

I always thought I would be angry if my husband cheated. I thought I would have told him to go.

What I actually felt was shock - i didn't have a clue he had been having an affair I just thought he was working hard. I felt really ashamed and didn't tell anyone for a long time. I believed he had an affair because I wasn't a good enough wife. Now I realise that was all bullshit.

It wasn't the affair that ended the relationship, but his refusal to accept that he had been in the wrong.

drasticpark · 29/08/2012 10:29

I always imagined I'd fight for my relationship. Instead I kicked him out within 3 hours of discovery. Less than 24 hours later I delivered all his wordly possessions to OW's house. Her husband was somewhat perplexed.

Button, are you truly happy?

Kaykat · 29/08/2012 10:46

I hated OW, she knew my H was married with a family, she even met me and had a friendly conversation a few days before starting an affair with my H and she is married too. But I also felt a little bit sorry for her when I discovered the lies my H told her.

She dumped him after two months and now I'm at a crossroads. Unfortunately there is no remorse from my H and he has always blamed me saying I drove him to it by not being a good enough wife, I believed that for a while.

I'm with Bitchyhen, it's the refusal to believe he did anything wrong that will likely end the marriage because there is nothing to rebuild any trust upon. I have noticed on MN a few ladies who have forgiven and stayed with cheating partners and a year down the line they are still devastated and unhappy. It makes me think do I want that to be me in a years time?

ButtonButton · 29/08/2012 11:20

Drasticpark. No but then who is and this is what I can cope with now in my life. It cannot go anywhere and that is what I need right now.

Original poster

Ormiriathomimus · 29/08/2012 11:34

I don't think I could dealt with dh refusing to take responsibility for his actions or blaming me. He has not done that.

OP posts:

Looksgoodingravy · 29/08/2012 11:46

Same here Orm. Dp has shown true remorse, he's told all of my family, he's told friends and his parents. Once the fantasy bubble burst he realised just what he had done and what he was about to lose. He was rushed into hospital from work with a suspected heart attack but it anxiety, it was almost like he was another person last year.

Looksgoodingravy · 29/08/2012 11:51

Daily I get reassuring hugs, he asks if I'm ok, he wants to make this work. If I want to talk he's always willing to sit patiently and talk through anything. I hope to get to a stage when I no longer need reassurance, for this I need to work on me.

MyLittleMiracles · 29/08/2012 11:53

I didnt react as i thought at first, i was a 2hour drive away when i got a text from my delightful STBXH saying he had cheated with three other women. My reaction, to curl up under a duvet and cry, when i saw him i said nothing about it, we had agreed never to talk about it, so of course he starts talking about it, i flipped. I never did forgive him, but i left him due to the violence, why i stayed for so long, for love, cos i did love him, with all my heart.

Abitwobblynow · 29/08/2012 13:45

Gravy, you lucky thing.

No. I had never thought of affairs apart from a light hearted phnar phnar angle, and OF COURSE that was never going to happen to me. The love of my life? He would never even look at another person, I was absolutely sure of his love and my safety.

When I discovered his deceit and betrayal, I had no idea such pain existed. There is nothing remotely funny about affairs. Now with counselling I am seeing that his affair was the final unacceptably hurtful part of a pattern where my needs and feelings never did count and he has arranged his life for his benefit.

His affair literally did blow up my world. Everything I thought was real, is not real.

He is also showing his true colours, the ones I was blind to, in being defensive, self-pitying and blaming me. Not even an affair is horrifying him enough to look at himself. So not much change there then!

I am a moron. I am a moron for choosing him, for reliving my past, for being so passive and dependent and BLIND. I am a moron to the power of about 10.

CremeEggThief · 29/08/2012 14:01

Abitwobbly, HE is the moron, not you! You are worth a hundred of him and don't forget it.

It's making me so hearing about all these men who have the audacity to try to blame their wives for their choices and actions. As if they haven't done enough wrong already!

Looksgoodingravy · 29/08/2012 14:48

Same here AbitWobbly, the pain has been like a bereavement for the person I thought dp was but he is trying at least. I'm so sorry you're not getting the reassurance from your dh but you are not a moron, it's not about you it's about him.

Lovemy3kids · 29/08/2012 16:19

My ex constantly blamed me for his affairs....and I actually thought it was my fault....until I woke up and realised it wasn't! I made my ex tell all our family after his second affair....I thought if he owned up to family and everyone knew, it would make him see what he had done....and it did for a couple of years....until he got the itch again

EdgeofGlory · 29/08/2012 16:28

looksgoodingravy I think we've posted before on a different thread, I'm 2yrs & 4months into staying in the marriage after uncovering his infidelity.

I think you're lucky that your husband has realised what he's done & how much he's hurt you (obviously i don't mean lucky for what he's done!). It is good to see how remorseful he is.

I haven't forgiven and doubt I ever will, there is no trust on my part but I'm still here. Everyday life is good, we have our arguments but overall it's ok. I'm not sure if we'll last the length, so to speak. What I do know is that if he EVER did it to me again, the slightest whiff of a shifty text or email he'd be out of the door and unconscious in the path with his worldly goods on top of him!!!!

One thing I still have is a lot of anger for what he did & the total lack of respect it showed on his part.

Sometimes it's the smallest of 'triggers' that send me into over active analysis of every small thing - my mind plays tricks on me.

It sounds to me like you have a very good chance of getting through this because he is making such an effort. Good luck

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