If you've had an affair or your partner has had one, did your react as you thought you would?

[Ormiriathomimus]

And have your attitudes changed as a result?

I fell into the trap of blaming OW - self-protection really. I never thought I would as logic dictates DH was the betrayer, but the anger I felt towards her was visceral. Now things are calmer I don't feel that way.

I was desperate for DH not to go (to start with) and I always thought that an affair would be a deal-breaker.I couldn't beleive how much the thought of losing him hurt me.

I found I have a bigger capacity for forgiveness.

My marriage matters much more to me than I had realised.

Just wondering how it has affected others.

Oh EdgeOfGlory....2yrs and 4 months and you're still getting angry.....thats not good my lovely....take it from someone who knows! If you cannot forgive, is there any point in staying? I forgave (but never forgot) my husbands 1st affair, and then 5 years later he did it again, and then 5 years after that he did it again - at which point I left him. I do feel that if you are that far in and you still haven't forgiven him, that you maybe need to consider whether you truly love him and want it to work xx

Initially I found that I forgave the infidelity and moved on much quicker and more easily than I expected. And I even 'sexed up' as I felt the reason 'DH' felt the need to go elsewhere was that I perhaps wasn't giving him everything I could.

The problem with this was though that my 'DH' then interpreted this as 'oh that was easy, got away with it, and the wife's looking good these days too' so got straight back in there to try his luck again. The solution...dumped him. He wasn't expecting that. I've forgiven him now...in fact I feel like thanking him, and her, and her...oh and her too.

Seriously, I'm not sure how you manage to forgive infidelity without seeming to at some level reward it (i.e. through that sexing up, more effort into relationship etc). I know it's about him having to try harder to keep you not the other way around. In my case, I realised that he wasn't going to be capable of change his behaviour sufficiently for me to keep him on (wasn't all about infidelity by that stage). I think you have to be prepared to walk away if necessary, even if you would prefer to stay - i.e. a point at which enough is enough.

"His affair literally did blow up my world. Everything I thought was real, is not real."

Yes. exP is not the man I thought he was, our relationship was not what I thought it was, how he felt about me, and even about DS was not what I thought. He's not only destroyed our future but our past as well. I look at photos and think about things that we did and it all feels so fake as I had no clue about the true character of the man I was with.

Did I react as I thought I would? Well, I never thought this would happen to me, so I don't know. I was amazingly clear-headed when I found out. And amazingly eloquent when talking to exP. I told him he'd ruined my life and told him exactly why. I told him he had no idea of the impact of his actions and he insisted he did.

I did want him back for a bit but I know now (knew at the time really but perhaps didn't want to admit it) that that was more a longing for my old, secure, happy life back. I can't ever forgive him, or trust him and I'm not sure how I'll trust anyone again.

I hate the OW. I blame them both, of course but my relationship with her is much simpler than my relationship with exP who is, after all, the father of my child. She's nothing but scum to me.

Hi Lovemy3kids hmmmmmm I know exactly what you're saying and I agree with you. It is difficult and I think what makes it worse is that he won't really talk about it, he feels it's a closed subject and I should be looking forward not back. Sometimes when I'm down I lie in bed in the middle of the night and envisage myself back in my 3 bed semi, tiny mortgage independent etc etc.

I can deal with what he did but I struggle to forgive him because he consciously did it, risked his marriage and family for a seedy affair. However, I have massive trust issues anyway because my 1st husband had an affair - maybe its me?!

I wish I knew the answer - every Christmas all I ever ask for is peace in my heart

Edgeofglory

Have you read the Shirley Glass book recommended on here. She talks about how to forgive which is as much about yourself and allowing yourself to move on.

I'm not ready to forgive, it's 5 months but I'm hoping at some point in time I will be able to do this.

x

And thank you for the Good Luck

Looks good I've got the book, read about 20pages but will read it.

It's balancing the forgiveness with the distrust of "will he do it again" - million dollar question I know!

Edge.....IT IS NOT YOU!!!

My ex was exactly the same - after each and every affair he forgot all about it and would not talk. After the 2nd affair I kicked him out (our DD was 5 months old and we had 2 other children too) and we lived apart for months. He chose to talk a little bit to me then obviously only trying to weedle his way back but as soon as we were back together it became the elephant in the room. We even tried Relate but he wouldn't open up there either so that was a waste of time.

I recently found letters he wrote to me after his 2nd affair and when I kicked him out - he didn't make any kind of effort this time around - and as he has gone on to cheat on his GF's since we have parted, I KNOW that I did the right thing leaving him.

Me and the 3 DC have been on our own for the last 12 months and we are all alot happier now. Yes it has been hard and there have been some awful lows on my part, but there is light at the end of the tunnel that I am now beginning to see.

Why should you have to deal with what he did??? Why is it always the innocent ones that have to deal with it??? I think deep down, you already know the answer....and I think you know when you will find peace. Please feel free to PM if you need to talk xxx

Lovemy3kids - I can't see how to PM you? If I click on your name it just brings a box up with your name in?

Ahhh worked it out!

DH had an EA a couple of years ago.
I told him if he thought it was worth breaking up his family and the only decent, secure, loving home he's ever had for then he was welcome to her and I would NOT be begging him to stay. I pointed out that he'd be living alone in a flat somewhere with no wife, no kids, no dog, coming back to an empty flat and having nobody to chat to or share cooking or chores with. Being a part time dad and missing out on so much would be HIS choice. Then the reality of it hit him and he was scared shitless.

Sorry, keep dipping in and out today.

Edge, I also feel anger for the lack of respect, it hurts so much doesn't it. Does your dh not want to talk about this anymore? and was he quite open in the beginning?

I will be back on later, got to go ds birthday shopping xx

Looksgoodingravy - he was open in the beginning but struggled to talk about it. Now he feels I should not be talking about it or bringing it up. I wish he would be able to talk to me, he gets angry and defensive if I raise it. I ask him why he can't talk rationally but he says it's because he feels it's old ground.

I never get a reassuring hug or 'how are you feeling' or 'I realise that may have triggered some hurt, here's a hug'.

I feel angry because I feel like he's got away with it and he should be punished, like I have been. He kept his wife, kids, home, holidays, friends, family (apart from my brother) and it feels like I'm the one who's constantly paying the price for his pleasure!

He's 'struggled to talk about it', 'wish he would be be able to talk to me'....?????

You do seem to be making excuses for him when he is choosing not to talk to you. These guys are good at making their DWs feel bad about even asking about something they have every right to know everything about.

When I found out about DS's1's fathers affair I went nuts. I was a lot younger and went straight for the jugular, threw him out and he moved straight in with the OW. I was so ANGRY it was unbelievable - probably because I'd been doubting him for so long my feelings for him had already died and I was more angry at myself. I drove all his possessions round to her house and threw it all over the top of her garden wall. I could hear her dog going mad, shredding up his selection of jazz mags all over the garden

DD and DS2's father it was completely different. 10yrs in and I was still completely smitten with him. Turns out he had a one night stand and 9 months later OW gave birth. At this point our kids were 10mths and 3yrs old and the relationship had gone a bit stale but not beyond repair. I was completely blindsided. I threw up, I couldn't move, it was like someone had died. I had to take some time off work and have CBT to cope with the anxiety and shock.

I didn't believe a word he said, then a thread on another popular parenting site confirmed the story - OW had posted up her version of events and she got a right flaming which pleased me no end I'm almost a year down the line and although I have not forgiven him I can kind of deal with it. He pays maintenance although OW will not let him see the child - I think she had a lot more feelings than she let on. She really is vile and doesn't seem to know what she wants from all this. The fact she was complicit and had no shame in contacting me with all the gory details really show her for the vindictive cow she really is. Plus she is f-ugly. I'll never feel the same about OH. I still love him but the shine has definately come off the relationship for me. I do trust him - to a point. He knows he can never take having a family for granted again.

So sad to hear there are so many of us in the same boat.

Anita your story resembled mine a lot apart from the OW getting pregnant. When I found out about 1st husband i did similiar to you, fury, rage, dumped all his possessions at the HQ police station (he was a policeman).

2nd husband was the shock, vomitting, CBT. The biggest thing for me is that he makes me feel guilty for asking about it, he gets cross if I raise it and any argument we have he try's to say i'm raising the past even if I'm not.

I felt sick in my stomach & couldn't eat my dinner this evening, as soon as e walked in i felt tense.

I probably fuel my own fire coming on mumsnet aswell!

My ex (DD's father) ping-ponged between me and his ex-wife for years; last year (almost to the day) he dumped us both and moved in with someone he'd been seeing for over a year. Now he thinks he may have made a mistake and misses me dreadfully. TWAT.

Sorry, I didn't react how I thought I would at all. I was much calmer and also much, much more hurt. The two hour conversation with the ex-wife was an eye opener and the email from the "present incumbent" was also quite illuminating.

The stupid thing is that I still like him and care about him. He is DD's dad. He is also a complete mess emotionally but he needs to own and fix that. I can't do it for him.

Edge, could it be that you felt your dh wasn't open in the beginning? could this be one of the reasons why you still feel this way now?Perhaps you felt that things weren't resolved two and a bit years ago?

Your dh needs to understand why you feel this way and not be pushing you away almost.