About 7 years ago, while in a long term relationship, I fell in love with another man. Lets call him Stephen. It was literally love at first sight, for me at least. Absolutely adored him. Nothing happened, I knew him a little through friends and wanted to get to know him better. I did the right thing. I ended my relationship and put myself out there, for want of a better expression. We move in the same social circles so I met him a fair bit. We went on a few "dates" - not exactly dates, but going places for a reason that might or might not be construed as a date, and he asked me to go along too. Nothing physical happened, and I was disappointed. I thought I made it obvious I liked him. Everyone told me he was ridiculously shy. I'm quite shy myself, and looking back, on a few occasions he might have made a move but he wasn't forward enough and he left me feeling unsure whether he liked me or not.
Basically, this has gone on for the past seven years like this. Of course I got fed up a while ago and made a move on him a couple of times and was rejected. But he would always come back, turn up at places he knew I'd be, gaze straight into my eyes, make a point of talking to me. Although he seemed keener after the time I tried to hold his hand, as all my other moves were trying to tell him how much I liked him. To my credit, when I found out he was on an internet dating site, I dropped him. This was not the actions of the shy guy I knew (I hate internet dating). I met another man and 18 months later married him. My husband is great, he is kind, considerate, hard working, but there is no spark for me, as with the other guy. To be honest, part of the reason I married him was to help me forget Stephen and move on with my life. It hasn't really worked. It doesn't help that I still bump into him a lot, and he acts jealous around my DH and refuses to go near him or speak to him.
The other reason I got fed up with Stephen is that his behaviour wasn't that good. He was flaky, exceptionally rude at times, jealous yet disinterested at the same time, talked about other women in my company, etc.. I felt I never really got to know him properly, he is secretive.
My DH works away a lot, and I arranged to go on holiday abroad with two friends, a couple. At the last minute, the other man decided to go too. Since he had told me he just wanted to be friends, I had no reason to object. At the airport he was standoffish, refusing to sit next to me in the only empty seat, etc.. I didn't chase him, and gradually we grew closer and closer over the holiday. A couple of times he tried the bodies touching thing, but I was a bit shocked and didn't encourage him. Each day though we got on better and better and I felt back from him what I could only describe as really powerful love. There is no doubt in my mind that he has feelings for me.
When we got back home, we had a few sort of platonic double dates with the other couple, meals, BBQs etc.. I told my DH and he was ok about it, thining it purely platonic. He then texted me to ask me out on a date. I agreed, thinking at least that I needed to talk to him. He then immediately cancelled. I hid my disappointment. A couple of weeks later I texted him and he didn't reply, and I thought "sod it", more flaky behaviour, and didn't contact him any more. A couple of weeks later he turned up at a public event me and my DH were at, acting strangely, staring at me, stomping about and blanking DH. Two days later, one of the couple we were friends with texted me to let me know he had told him he had a girlfriend, but in a city 250 miles away. This would be his first proper girlfriend at the age of 32.
I'm really upset. I don't know why I got so drawn into his madhouse of a world for so long, god knows I tried to escape. But I have to admit to thinking if I had at least snogged him, the spell would have been broken. My instinct was telling me that despite the shyness, he was actually a player and he strung me along for his own ego. My instinct also tells me he had this girlfriend when we went on holiday together but never mentioned her. But how can I criticise, when I have a DH?
I'm left wondering what to do. Its made me realise I don't love DH, I am fond of him but its not really fair on him, although he seems quite happy. It also makes me realise that you can't manufacture love with someone who "seems good on paper" - I got a glimpse on holiday of what being with someone you have strong feelings for was like, and I'd love to experience it again, but I hardly ever like anyone at all, never mind have strong feelings for them. I feel like getting away from Stephen and my situation by moving to another country - I am sure Stephen will attempt to string me along further by telling me he wants to be "friends" and using the excuse his girlfriend lives 250 miles away to occasionally do the couples in our local city thing. ie to use me when it suits him and drop me when it doesn't.
What I can't understand is why I still have feelings for him. He's not the person I thought he was, the more I get to know him, the more his behaviour makes me uncomfortable - its nothing you can put your finger on, he is very nice and gentle when he is around, but its like its an act somehow. He never says anything you can call him up on or catch him out with, he is secretive as opposed to lieing. He really is the strangest person I have ever met and I only tolerated his behaviour because he intrigued me and I thought he might have AS. But its like I am caught up in his web somehow and I find it really difficult to extricate myself. I don't even understand why I have such strong feelings.
Do any mmnetters have any advice? Anyone else been there? Phew and sorry so long!