Being Strung Along...

[StrungUp]

About 7 years ago, while in a long term relationship, I fell in love with another man. Lets call him Stephen. It was literally love at first sight, for me at least. Absolutely adored him. Nothing happened, I knew him a little through friends and wanted to get to know him better. I did the right thing. I ended my relationship and put myself out there, for want of a better expression. We move in the same social circles so I met him a fair bit. We went on a few "dates" - not exactly dates, but going places for a reason that might or might not be construed as a date, and he asked me to go along too. Nothing physical happened, and I was disappointed. I thought I made it obvious I liked him. Everyone told me he was ridiculously shy. I'm quite shy myself, and looking back, on a few occasions he might have made a move but he wasn't forward enough and he left me feeling unsure whether he liked me or not.

Basically, this has gone on for the past seven years like this. Of course I got fed up a while ago and made a move on him a couple of times and was rejected. But he would always come back, turn up at places he knew I'd be, gaze straight into my eyes, make a point of talking to me. Although he seemed keener after the time I tried to hold his hand, as all my other moves were trying to tell him how much I liked him. To my credit, when I found out he was on an internet dating site, I dropped him. This was not the actions of the shy guy I knew (I hate internet dating). I met another man and 18 months later married him. My husband is great, he is kind, considerate, hard working, but there is no spark for me, as with the other guy. To be honest, part of the reason I married him was to help me forget Stephen and move on with my life. It hasn't really worked. It doesn't help that I still bump into him a lot, and he acts jealous around my DH and refuses to go near him or speak to him.

The other reason I got fed up with Stephen is that his behaviour wasn't that good. He was flaky, exceptionally rude at times, jealous yet disinterested at the same time, talked about other women in my company, etc.. I felt I never really got to know him properly, he is secretive.

My DH works away a lot, and I arranged to go on holiday abroad with two friends, a couple. At the last minute, the other man decided to go too. Since he had told me he just wanted to be friends, I had no reason to object. At the airport he was standoffish, refusing to sit next to me in the only empty seat, etc.. I didn't chase him, and gradually we grew closer and closer over the holiday. A couple of times he tried the bodies touching thing, but I was a bit shocked and didn't encourage him. Each day though we got on better and better and I felt back from him what I could only describe as really powerful love. There is no doubt in my mind that he has feelings for me.

When we got back home, we had a few sort of platonic double dates with the other couple, meals, BBQs etc.. I told my DH and he was ok about it, thining it purely platonic. He then texted me to ask me out on a date. I agreed, thinking at least that I needed to talk to him. He then immediately cancelled. I hid my disappointment. A couple of weeks later I texted him and he didn't reply, and I thought "sod it", more flaky behaviour, and didn't contact him any more. A couple of weeks later he turned up at a public event me and my DH were at, acting strangely, staring at me, stomping about and blanking DH. Two days later, one of the couple we were friends with texted me to let me know he had told him he had a girlfriend, but in a city 250 miles away. This would be his first proper girlfriend at the age of 32.

I'm really upset. I don't know why I got so drawn into his madhouse of a world for so long, god knows I tried to escape. But I have to admit to thinking if I had at least snogged him, the spell would have been broken. My instinct was telling me that despite the shyness, he was actually a player and he strung me along for his own ego. My instinct also tells me he had this girlfriend when we went on holiday together but never mentioned her. But how can I criticise, when I have a DH?

I'm left wondering what to do. Its made me realise I don't love DH, I am fond of him but its not really fair on him, although he seems quite happy. It also makes me realise that you can't manufacture love with someone who "seems good on paper" - I got a glimpse on holiday of what being with someone you have strong feelings for was like, and I'd love to experience it again, but I hardly ever like anyone at all, never mind have strong feelings for them. I feel like getting away from Stephen and my situation by moving to another country - I am sure Stephen will attempt to string me along further by telling me he wants to be "friends" and using the excuse his girlfriend lives 250 miles away to occasionally do the couples in our local city thing. ie to use me when it suits him and drop me when it doesn't.

What I can't understand is why I still have feelings for him. He's not the person I thought he was, the more I get to know him, the more his behaviour makes me uncomfortable - its nothing you can put your finger on, he is very nice and gentle when he is around, but its like its an act somehow. He never says anything you can call him up on or catch him out with, he is secretive as opposed to lieing. He really is the strangest person I have ever met and I only tolerated his behaviour because he intrigued me and I thought he might have AS. But its like I am caught up in his web somehow and I find it really difficult to extricate myself. I don't even understand why I have such strong feelings.

Do any mmnetters have any advice? Anyone else been there? Phew and sorry so long!

you off on holiday with him and your mutual friends again, then ?

that wouldn't be a really fucked-up thing to do, would it ?

Agree with everything Phacelia says above and I also agree with the previous poster who said that you are probably in love with the idea of him, because it doesn't seem that you really know the real him. He's so secretive and unavailable that you are still at a level of communication that you would have with someone after a couple of dates, not 7 years.

If you don't feel that you can make things work with your H, then sort that out first, but also get yourself away from Stephen, get some proper counselling where you deal with this and start to make a life on your own so that if/when you meet someone special, you will know your own worth and choose a man who will enhance your life, not fuck it up!

OP, if you were single I feel you'd be in the same situation with this waste of a man.

I don't believe shyness is at the route of this - he knows how you feel so has nothing to lose by trying more than you. And most men would, if interested, as pointed out above, either be willingly shagging you sideways by now, or pointedly asking you to leave your husband first.

He's either gay (despite his denials), has serious sexual hang-ups, or gets a kick out of stringing you along - either way this is not a man you want to be with.

Perhaps if you realise this and truly accept it, you can move on, perhaps even make a happy life with your husband. If not, you need to be apart from both men.

These strong feelings of love you talk about on holiday - what actually was this? How would you describe it? I have a feeling it's just staring at one another. It's nothing, it's all based on nothing.

Oh don't worry anyfucker, I am definately not going on a cosy group holiday with him involved again, in any way, shape or form. He clearly thinks it possible. Its his way of keeping me in his life. I see that now. At least disadvising him of the idea will be a way of telling him I don't want to be "friends" with him any more. I am on strict no contact or I would do so now.

In my defence, when I went on holiday with him six months ago, I did actually believe he was gay, and this excused his previous behaviour as being confused.

MysteriousHamster Has hit several nails on the head.

It's easy to get pulled in, but in truth it's based on feelings, which are very strong, but in the final analysis amount to nothing more than pschological responses to the game, for want of a better word. I don't think any of it is intended to be a game or to hurt, but it is what it is.

In my case I had been in an abusive relationship when it started, which I left. I thought the leaving would be the thing that clinched it. When it didn't I looked for other things that might be in the way, such as colourful friends, good job etc that might intimidate him. Eventually they all got weeded out. Still nothing from him, and I was left with nothing too.

It sounds insane when I put it in writing, but those feelings and the sense that after all the time and effort you want at least something to show for it give it it's own momentum. Do try to break away. I do feel for you, don't end up like me.

MysteriousHamster at risk of making a rod for my own back on here, the feeling I got on holiday was just sitting playing cards with him in the evening or something, like a sort of warmth, like he would never do anything to hurt me (wrong there) (he kept losing at cards because he wouldn't play a bad hand to me), some kind of realisation that he wasn't a monster. Or we would talk for hours (about nonsense really, but he opened up to me to a certain extent by admitting he could be anti-social and he didn't like it but was unable to do anything about it, and that he thought his appearance quite flawed). Or we would just sit quietly together reading sometimes without the need to talk.

He cooked for me (I tend not to eat well), spent lots of time with me, quietly arranged to do things I expressed an interest in doing, drove me around places I wanted to see in the hire car. In the holiday photos, we look like a couple, despite not touching. His body language is very telling, or so people say. A woman on the plane back, when he got up to go to the toilet, turned to me and said to me "I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you are your boyfriend make such a lovely couple".

Wow you are pretty obsessed. A lot of what you say reminds me of teenage years where you analyse the vaguest details and give them far more weight than than deserve whilst gladly ignoring all the evidence to the contrary.

I don't think you are in a position to judge your marriage clearly as you have emotionally checked out. What I have noticed is that you are, for the main part,paradoxically in your comfort zone. You have an emotionally distant relationship with both men, except with one you are projecting your fantasies onto them. It's because it is safe and you know nothing is going to challenge your intimacy issues because nothing is going to happen.

I think a psychiatrist would be your best bet as you have arrested development. It isn't your fault but something you must tackle if you are ever going to be happy.

christ on a bike, you are deluded

there's no helping some people

He likes to plsy at being in a relationship. He enjoys the effect his behavoours have on you. He is dpiteful and knows you are crazy about him. He is not in love with you. When he has had his fix and satisfied his own warped view of cravings for feeling fancied and wanted he leaves. When it wears off he comes.back. Wonder who or if he does this to another whilst he isnt in contact with you...

You have done.this to yourself becsuse you enjoy chasing something and somebody that is notfree to be with uou. He cannot be with you as he is scared and being with him as a girlfriend would do more harm than you can imagine or the novelty will wear off pronto.

What would the holiday have been like with your husband?

You do realise that you are cheating on your husband - emotionally, even without reciprocation, and that if you were offered sex you clearly would do that too.

But the other thing to wonder is what do you think a relationship with him would be like? You have had seven years of nothing as friends, why would being his partner be any better? He doesn't seem like a sexual man, so all you would get is this imaginary 'warmth'.

It's time to move on. Either just cut him off or be brutally honest with him and ask what he thinks - and if he doesn't answer, cut him off.