Being Strung Along...

[StrungUp]

About 7 years ago, while in a long term relationship, I fell in love with another man. Lets call him Stephen. It was literally love at first sight, for me at least. Absolutely adored him. Nothing happened, I knew him a little through friends and wanted to get to know him better. I did the right thing. I ended my relationship and put myself out there, for want of a better expression. We move in the same social circles so I met him a fair bit. We went on a few "dates" - not exactly dates, but going places for a reason that might or might not be construed as a date, and he asked me to go along too. Nothing physical happened, and I was disappointed. I thought I made it obvious I liked him. Everyone told me he was ridiculously shy. I'm quite shy myself, and looking back, on a few occasions he might have made a move but he wasn't forward enough and he left me feeling unsure whether he liked me or not.

Basically, this has gone on for the past seven years like this. Of course I got fed up a while ago and made a move on him a couple of times and was rejected. But he would always come back, turn up at places he knew I'd be, gaze straight into my eyes, make a point of talking to me. Although he seemed keener after the time I tried to hold his hand, as all my other moves were trying to tell him how much I liked him. To my credit, when I found out he was on an internet dating site, I dropped him. This was not the actions of the shy guy I knew (I hate internet dating). I met another man and 18 months later married him. My husband is great, he is kind, considerate, hard working, but there is no spark for me, as with the other guy. To be honest, part of the reason I married him was to help me forget Stephen and move on with my life. It hasn't really worked. It doesn't help that I still bump into him a lot, and he acts jealous around my DH and refuses to go near him or speak to him.

The other reason I got fed up with Stephen is that his behaviour wasn't that good. He was flaky, exceptionally rude at times, jealous yet disinterested at the same time, talked about other women in my company, etc.. I felt I never really got to know him properly, he is secretive.

My DH works away a lot, and I arranged to go on holiday abroad with two friends, a couple. At the last minute, the other man decided to go too. Since he had told me he just wanted to be friends, I had no reason to object. At the airport he was standoffish, refusing to sit next to me in the only empty seat, etc.. I didn't chase him, and gradually we grew closer and closer over the holiday. A couple of times he tried the bodies touching thing, but I was a bit shocked and didn't encourage him. Each day though we got on better and better and I felt back from him what I could only describe as really powerful love. There is no doubt in my mind that he has feelings for me.

When we got back home, we had a few sort of platonic double dates with the other couple, meals, BBQs etc.. I told my DH and he was ok about it, thining it purely platonic. He then texted me to ask me out on a date. I agreed, thinking at least that I needed to talk to him. He then immediately cancelled. I hid my disappointment. A couple of weeks later I texted him and he didn't reply, and I thought "sod it", more flaky behaviour, and didn't contact him any more. A couple of weeks later he turned up at a public event me and my DH were at, acting strangely, staring at me, stomping about and blanking DH. Two days later, one of the couple we were friends with texted me to let me know he had told him he had a girlfriend, but in a city 250 miles away. This would be his first proper girlfriend at the age of 32.

I'm really upset. I don't know why I got so drawn into his madhouse of a world for so long, god knows I tried to escape. But I have to admit to thinking if I had at least snogged him, the spell would have been broken. My instinct was telling me that despite the shyness, he was actually a player and he strung me along for his own ego. My instinct also tells me he had this girlfriend when we went on holiday together but never mentioned her. But how can I criticise, when I have a DH?

I'm left wondering what to do. Its made me realise I don't love DH, I am fond of him but its not really fair on him, although he seems quite happy. It also makes me realise that you can't manufacture love with someone who "seems good on paper" - I got a glimpse on holiday of what being with someone you have strong feelings for was like, and I'd love to experience it again, but I hardly ever like anyone at all, never mind have strong feelings for them. I feel like getting away from Stephen and my situation by moving to another country - I am sure Stephen will attempt to string me along further by telling me he wants to be "friends" and using the excuse his girlfriend lives 250 miles away to occasionally do the couples in our local city thing. ie to use me when it suits him and drop me when it doesn't.

What I can't understand is why I still have feelings for him. He's not the person I thought he was, the more I get to know him, the more his behaviour makes me uncomfortable - its nothing you can put your finger on, he is very nice and gentle when he is around, but its like its an act somehow. He never says anything you can call him up on or catch him out with, he is secretive as opposed to lieing. He really is the strangest person I have ever met and I only tolerated his behaviour because he intrigued me and I thought he might have AS. But its like I am caught up in his web somehow and I find it really difficult to extricate myself. I don't even understand why I have such strong feelings.

Do any mmnetters have any advice? Anyone else been there? Phew and sorry so long!

I know we all have the odd ludicrous crush in our younger days, but this is ridiculous. The 'love at first sight' thing alone is a massive warning bell.

Have you ever had any counselling or therapy, OP? It might be worth talking all of this through with someone professional to get a handle on what's going on in your life.

Sorry, I'm still trying to get my head around the seven fucking years thing.
This whole situation sounds like a weird train wreck, personally I'd leave DH, run the hell away from Stephen and spend a while soul searching.

Ultimately, lola, these matters always come down to 'character'; the essential part of us that determines how we conduct ourselves and how we behave towards others.

In this case the OP would appear to have chosen to be especially self-indulgent when it comes to the uppealing character of 'Stephen' and if she wishes to 'see a way round him' she's only got to use her eyes and then utilise her brain to strengthen her character.

However, given that the OP has allowed 'Stephen' to be the centre fold point of her thinking for the past 7 years and saw no wrong in fooling marrying another man while her mind has remained fixed on the object of her lust fond imaginings, it would seem that her character leaves something to be desired; namely integrity and self-respect.

In this instance my sympathy is with the unsuspecting dh who the OP chose to deceive and short-change.

Re counselling, see the OP's response of 11.23 on page 1 from which it appears she was unable to be honest with her counsellor about the fact that when she 'went for it', as it were, 'Stephen' rejected her advances, mooncup,

Thank you for your responses. Some of them are very pertinent indeed. There are so many different strings to this my head is all over the place. I never knew anyone could or would behave like this, and until recently I thought he was a decent but shy guy. Its all very strange. I can't discuss this with anyone. My apologies to anyone who thinks its almost a crime not to be happy in your relationship, personally I think its better to be single than to be married to someone you don't love. Yes it is a pity I have found this out now, but I did try and I'm maybe more honest than some. I agree it is unfortunate that I am like this. I don't think marriage is the be all and end all to life and you can't force yourself to love someone. Its not the 1900s. My DH is a good man but emotionally distant, and has no interest in doing things together, I'm always on my own. I thought the love would grow but its more like brother/sister.

Izzy thanks for your common sense advice. Unfortunately I tried much the same several times in the past and its just not working.

Gingerpig that is very true.

Cat and Corygal since you've experienced this behaviour, you'll know that its like being in a madhouse, that all logic seems up in the air and no "rules" apply.

AFishCalledRhonda I would have dumped him. I'd probably have got fed up of him quite quickly. Its the not knowing that makes it worse. Interestingly, his (divorced) father behaves very like he does. Apparantly he has a long distant ex that went back to him after his wife left him, and he had the same on-off relationship that they did when they were young, before he dumped her for a much younger woman he met off the internet from a third world country.

sarahseashell yes, my father was emotionally distant and disinterested in me. Very unloving.

solidgoldbrass unfortunately its through my hobby that I meet him. I don't really want to give it up.

I still don't know exactly what to make of him. I just don't have enough to go on. Is he:

(a) a nice guy who is trying to be nice to me and let me down gently?
(b) a male slut who plays on the shy guy act with a girl in every port?
(c) gay and using me and the girlfriend 250 miles away as cover?
(d) some kind of nutter sociopath who likes the attention but has no conscience?

I'm seriously considering moving to another country to get away from this. I've tried everything else. He won't find me there. I really do try to avoid him. My heart actually sinks when I see him now and the last couple of times I've tried to pretend I didn't see him, but he came over and spoke to me. I do believe he thinks we are "friends".

What I meant izzyizin was that the technical details about getting rid of Stephen rather than her foibles. I don't think she is a victim, but needs concrete points of shaking off this loser. Thats all. I would recommend a moral reboot after this but right now, a map out is more useful

Sorry - should have read the thread properly!

I don't think it matters what exactly you make of him, OP, it's clear he's very bad news for you. Keep distancing yourself and he'll probably get the message in the end.

You are right Izzy. I'm going to go back and read your post several times.

As for him rejecting me, I once asked him out to the cinema and he replied that he had a works do. Suggested no other day or time. It would have been better if he had not replied or said he was busy in some way that made me think he was unavailable.

I suggested one night at a party we should snog and he said that wasn't what he wanted. He seemed kind of socially stilted. Thereafter several months later he did try to snog me but I wasn't ready and in retrospect accidentally rebuffed him. I also accidentally rebuffed him when I first met him.

The third time was when I tried to hold his hand and he drew it back and said he didn't want to give the wrong impression. After this he did seem to treat me more kindly but I was hurt and wasn't having it. Unfortunately from what he later said I made the wrong assumption that he was gay. I actually thought he was gay until we were on holiday six months ago and he told me that he wasn't.

e) he's just a twat, plain and simple, nothing more romantic complicated than that

block him, ignore him, find another group of people to do your hobby with

you could have done this years ago, you just chose not to

Who. Gives. A. Shit. Why.

He is clearly a knob. The fact that you continue to obsess over this immature moron instead of putting that time and effort into your marriage is so utterly sad and says all that needs I be said about your own maturity.

Seriously anyfucker said all that is required here. Grow up for gods sake. Start thinking about the one person who actually should matter to you. Your husband.

OP, said in the nicest way possible, you seriously need to get your shit together. A relationship with a good therapist and not with Stephen is probably the first port of call

Actualy OP thinking about it I would possibly the one thing you might not have done and that is..

Litterally tell him the next time you see him to stay the fuck away from you dont look at or talk to you, you think he is a creepy head fuck wanker and to get to the far side of fuck and when he gets there to fuck off somemore.

I think the direct approach is well warrented and the less fucking around the better, thats the best counselling i can come up with right now, direct to the point and honest.

I concur

Simply tell him to piss right off and find someone else to make a tit out of

You are over it

Job done

I really feel for you strungup I've experienced a very mild version of this particular head-fuck for the last 5 or 6 weeks and I've had enough already, how on earth you have danced around each other for 7 years I have no comprehension, but I do know how difficult it is to put a lid on it and forget about it, no matter how ridiculous you know it is.

I agree that the only way to sort this out between two 'shy' and confused people is to get it out in the open, but this has gone so far that I don't think you should even entertain the idea of a 'relationship' with him, as he is obviously so incapable of communicating with you in any meaningful way.

I had a big crush on a friend while I was still married, spent time as platonic friends with the DCs etc, which H was aware of and didn't seem to mind. I left H a few months ago (for other reasons) but always had it at the back of my mind that either I would be able to get it together with this guy if he was interested (didn't think he was) or find someone like him.

I hadn't seen him for a few months, then out of the blue he knocked at my door, asked me out for a drink, we had a great evening, ended up kissing and thought all my dreams had come true. He sent a vague message the next night then nothing for weeks.

I contacted him (shouldn't have bothered!) and since then a couple of loose arrangements to meet up, he asks if I want to, I say yes, suggest a day that I'm free, he doesn't reply and that day passes without us meeting up. He texts a few days later to apologise and it starts again.

Got so fed up of it that I told him not to bother texting me anymore. I would still love to see him, but I won't settle for someone who doesn't see me as a priority, whether its because he has his own issues, doesn't really fancy me that much or, in those immortal words "he's just not that into me" - why would I want that for myself?!

You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, who wants to be with you in a mature, adult, equal partnership. If you're really not happy with your H then do leave, for his sake as much as your own, but this Stephen guy is really not the answer.

I'm hoping my 'friend' (not that he's acted like a friend) is more of an a) than a b) but after 7 years of this shit, I suspect yours is more of a d) I'm afraid! Or at least if he has some personality disorder, then it would make being with him hell. Think of it as a lucky escape!

You are both emotionally abusive game players. Get therapy and never sprak to the so called friend again. Give up your hobby as staying is prolnging the agony. But I guess you enjoy the attention far too much.

leaving aside the DH for the moment, I'm going to focus on 'Stephen' because that's what you're doing, Strung:

He's not the person I thought he was, the more I get to know him, the more his behaviour makes me uncomfortable - its nothing you can put your finger on, he is very nice and gentle ? but its like its an act somehow.

He never says anything you can call him up on or catch him out with, he is secretive ?

Quoting your words OP, with some highlights to show you why alarm bells are ringing for me?..and why they're ringing for you on some level, but you're not trusting what you feel.

at times I've found him creepy, but then thought no, he's Stephen, he's shy, hes inexperienced with women, he's such a nice, gentle guy.

So... I'll start with a shock tactic ? some of the most famous and twisted killers of the last few decades were nice, gentle guys. Sorry! Now I'm NOT suggesting, on the basis of zero evidence, that S is a criminal?? just warning you that niceness, or the feelings of powerful love you experienced, do not (sadly) have any meaning by themselves.

Also, it's best not to rationalise or make assumptions about someone that you don't know or understand all that well. You don't know what he's done in the past, what he's thinking or what he does when he's not with you. For example, what kind of porn is his flavour?.? Hmm...maybe best not to know.

Your desire to move abroad sounds like your instinct, trying to move you away from this individual. Please trust it and get away. Cut him out, hobby and all. Do what it takes. (Or have you seriously tried this already?)

If you can get rid of him, your mind will reach a better place, where you can at least think more clearly. IMO this is an essential first step back to a healthy relationship. A better counsellor also goes without saying.

Relationships is meant to be a supportive board and I think OP is getting a harsh character assassination from a few posters here she's been honest and she knows this chap is no good for her and that she's not been fair to dh, she's trying to work out why & what to do from what I can see?
OP FWIW maybe there's stuff from your past you haven't processed and that's what's leading you to obsess about Stephen (distant/unloving father and so on) and that a good counsellor could help you deal with this and find the strength to move on from the situation which sounds a bit addictive in nature. Good luck.

I think it is supportive to point out when someone's own behaviour has been part of the problem they have tried to convince themselves "just happened"

it would be an unkindness to pat this particular lady on the head and say "there there, it's not your fault"

Oh honey he has serious issues! He is an absolute seething ball of psychoses & confusion!! Ignore him if he texts, turns up & ask your mutual friends to stop telling you about him! Stop being involved!
As regards your DH, once that tit is permanently out of your life you may start to realise that actually DH is more interesting & exciting!

You're married and this guy is a twat. How old are you? FGS, delete him from your life and try to be the partner and spouse it appears your H deserves.

Sorry Strung Up, but I think you know deep down, how hopeless the situation with Stephen is. If he wanted you to be together, and you have shown him that you are available, despite being married, he would have made a move on you and you would be together. He is playing a game with you, normal adults do not behave like this, certainly not for seven years. He has all the power in your 'relationship'. Why do you let him?

Pursue your hobby elsewhere and keep away from him. Think about your dh who is the innocent party in all this. Even if you are not physically being unfaithful, you are emotionally and this is deeply unkind. You need to extinguish this fantasy in your mind and get on with your real life. You are in love with the idea of Stephen and not the reality.

Thanks to all of you for your responses. I clearly have some weakness in my character that predisposes myself to being a little under the control of someone like this. If you are not prone to falling for this type of mind torture (for want of a better phrase) then you are lucky. I know I do have issues from my father not wanting me. I don't know if Stephen has some kind of social anxiety or sociological disorder, but its very upsetting being subjected to it. I think he does now realise he likes me and can't quite let me go. He is talking to the mutual friends about going on holiday together again in winter.

I think I do need to find a better counsellor, one who doesn't just agree with me. Right now, I'm just exhausted though.

I think its easy for some to judge me harshly as many posters may have experienced difficulties with partners leaving them/cheating, etc. so its easy to view me as a bitch because I find my DH is not really doing it for me. Its hardly a crime. I might be married and in my thirties but I don't think that means my life is over and I must just accept my lot without developing as a person. Not everyone wants the same things out of life.

ladyWordy the one thing that works is getting away to my home country. Its perhaps a little less old fashioned there as to women's roles and I have straight talking friends who make me feel better instantly and who don't judge me. The only problem is when I come back, I get stuck in this loop of thinking again. Moving back permanently is looking like a realistic choice in the near future :-)

I admire your honesty, hete at least that is a step forward. Finds therapist you do not feel ashamed to talk to show him or her this thresd . This thread has helped me.

Do you really need advice on this issue? Seriously?

Seven years have passed and nothing has happened. Nothing is going to happen.

You need to question why you are so prepared to chase something so ephemeral when it is obvious that he is either not interested or he is stringing you along. Why are you choosing to punish yourself in this way? (Never mind what you are doing to your DH).

Stop trying to fool yourself. Get on with your own life. You probably can't avoid him, but stop trying to engineer something or even trying to interact with him in any way other than as if he is a casual acquaintance.

As others have said, this man is no friend. But you are married to someone who is.

From the sound of it this guy has some serious sexual issues. Honestly. Lots of men, if they had a woman making it clear they were interested, would make a move and have sex with you. The fact that he has been around for 7 years, and knows you have feelings for him, and gets all jealous when he sees you with your dp, but has done nothing more than clumsily attempt to kiss you once, and 'touch bodies' suggests there is a massive issue there. I think there are a higher proportion of adults out there who have big issues surrounding sex than people are aware about. I'm actually imagining this man is a virgin, too.

When I was younger I was very, very lonely and fell for a man in a slightly similar situation. I did sleep with him and tell him I had very strong feelings for him and he kept saying he wasn't interested, didn't want to have a relationship, but kept coming back and stringing me along for months. It was agony and now as a grown adult it's not something I would tolerate at all. But I can see how because I was so very lonely I couldn't let go at the time, and if you say you've had issues with your father, I can see why you'd get sucked into this. But honestly, this isn't love.

Do yourself a favour, split up with your husband, and move away from Stephen (or at least communicate with him that you do not appreciate his presence in your life and will not tolerate him turning up and trying to engage with you). Have some counselling, get yourself in a more emotionally healthy situation and then you'll be open to meeting someone who will treat you well. Life is too short to spend 7 long years pining after someone so inadequate.