is my marriage over?

[cantfindamnnickname]

History - We've been married 7 years, together 13. We had our first ds within a year of being together, we have always lived together.
We then went on to have another 2 DS's, we are comfortably off, we dont struggle, we have a nice home, cars, caravan etc etc

Good points - we are financially good
we have 3 lovely children
our sex life is good
he works very hard and provides for us financially
I dont want for anything
I have my own money (work - good job) and can afford to buy stuff that I fancy.
he can be very caring/loving/affectionate

but I have come to a point in my life where Im not sure i want to be with him anymore.

The negatives are:
his jealousy, he thinks everyone I ever speak to (male or female) wants to get me into bed,
he can be quite aggressive; he has never hit me and I dont think he would but he certainly shouts and gets cross at me and the children
he is very black and white
he doesnt stop me doing anything but he is very clear about what he "expects"
he works all the time, we rarely have holidays and when we go in caravan its a very stressful time as he expects everything to be right and gets frustrated if its not
if he is not at work he is in the pub, he goes to the pub Friday night, Sat night and Sun afternoon (he doesnt object if i go out - he makes sure he is home for the children)
I think he is a twat when he has had a drink
There have been a few incidents over the years that stick in my mind and they taint everything - I had DS2 and I had mastitis - I was very poorly, i phoned him and asked him to come home from the pub - I have never done this - he didnt come straight home - he was hours later.
I had a miscarriage - he wasnt much of a support - my mum was
he called his own son a fucking cunt the other day
If I raise anything with him he says well you know where the door is.

I have told him at the time about this unacceptable behaviour and we have had big rows.

The question is am I strong enough to walk away - do I want to? Can i fix this? Will i be happy on my own or staying.

Im really struggling at the moment and I need some mm help to get my head a bit clearer.

When I read the good points I couldn't imagine the bad ones would outweigh them tbh - but they did.

The balck & white thing I would accept as just being him - we are all different and presumably he has always had this trait?

What I absolutely couldn't accept is the lack of support and the abusive language to his own son.

His jealousy and his "well you know where the door is" statement scream massive insecurity. Can you live with it? Why should you?

I would suggest counselling to him if you want to save it but don't be afraid of leaving. You deserve better than this.

I can relate to the becoming a twat when he has had a drink. This is becoming a deal breaker for me. This to is tainting my marriage so I can completely empathise.
It may be time for a serious make or break heart to heart. He needs to know how you are feeling and that you are seriously considering leaving the marrriage. It may a wake up call for him if he wants to be in this marriage. I think you do need to exhaust all avenues to try and see if the wrongs can be put right or at least worked on.... would you want this? I wonder if you did leave the marriage without trying to engage him would you regret it later.
The abusive language towards your child is worrying..... did you challenge im about it? had ne been drinking?
It is really hard.... I am in a similar position to you at the moment. Just do not know what to do. I think that the negatives you have described are pretty challenging. Maybe he has issues he has not spoken about.

Do you think he would consider going to relate with you?

"The question is am I strong enough to walk away - do I want to? Can i fix this? Will i be happy on my own or staying."

They're all linked. You have to believe you deserve better treatment & be prepared to walk away in order to get it. A bad habit of 13 years standing... and his bullying, controlling, aggressive behaviour is fundamentally an entrenched habit... will not be rectified through persuasion or counselling. A Relate session with an emotional bully who thinks he is always in the right is simply going to turn into a session where he outlines all your faults without accepting any of his own.

He is the only one that can change his behaviour and, like all bullies, he will only take you seriously if you challenge him head-on and demonstrate that he stands to lose everything if nothing happens. No change and you carry through your threat. Is that an outcome you're prepared to entertain?

cant - he wasnt drunk when he said it but it was early in the morning after a heavy night and I know our son can really push the boundaries but I wouldnt say that to anybody - and I think what really got me is that he didnt get it.

puds - I doubt it very much.

He tells me I blow everything out of proportion - ie the calling son names - I shouted at him, told him it was unacceptable and i was very angry with him, I didnt talk much - he asked if I was going to spend the day not talking, he told me not to shout because I would show him up (we were on caravan park - others probably heard) and then to I was making a big deal out of it. I think I was reluctant to push issue anymore as were away with friends, the kids were there etc.

cogito - your right I have always stood up for myself but never walked away before so Im not sure he realises I have had enough. I dont even know whether he would try to change - I dont think he would - he sees himself as a good man - he provides financially and thinks thats it.

Im not sure I want to go to RElate - I am questionning whether I can be bothered to fight for my marriage - i should for teh childrens sake but Im not sure I am.

Another recent event was something happened work wise that was a big deal - I was asked to do soemthing that means a lot to me - I knew before I told him that his response was negative and not really that interested and it was - I wasnt surprised and told him that - he just said that he didnt get it - I wasnt get paid for it why would I want to do it (voluntary role attached to my job - something Im really into and something good for my career)

Last night I didnt want sex - he told me that if i was too knackered to want sex then he wouldnt "allow" me to go to my hobby again. I mean WTF - he goes out to the pub all the time - I do my hobby twice a week - sometimes 3 times a week.

sorry I am ranting a bit now - it helps to think clearly

cant - What are you doing with him? Honest to God, you don't have to put up with this at all. There is nothing to redeem here, nothing to save, apart from yourself and your kids.

Sorry - I just won't sugarcoat my response to you - you really don't need that. What you do need to do is to get out.

Thanks conflu - he does have redeeming features honestly! He can be very kind, he is loving, he works hard, he does love me and if I asked him for something he would do it without hesitation

I dont think we were ever really that well matched - he comes from a traditional family, mum was homemaker, dad was provider, typical family,

Im from a single parent family with mum who has done very well indeed for herself - career woman and very driven. I have a good job - a career that I love and although not paying great at the moment it has the potential to. Im also a very happy person generally although i dont feel like it at the moment.
He is quite negative - particularly about others, friends and people we socialise with - he has very high morals and thinks that anyone that doesnt do things the same as him is wrong or cheap etc.

Im scared of being on my own if I am honest - I have never really had much time on my own - I worry about how we will parent separately - I know that if I end it he would not speak to me about the children - he would blame me completely - he wouldnt see any of his faults in this.

What if I am lonely - how will I continue with my hobbies if he is not here to have the children?

Financially how will i manage - I would be going from nice house, nice area to not as great although I would be in the slums I dont think!

I think my kids would be happier - at the moment I never feel like i can have people over - he doesnt like it, i would be able to stop out past tea time and not worry about tea being on the table. - God this sounds awful doesnt it

"What if I am lonely - how will I continue with my hobbies if he is not here to have the children?"

You sound extremely lonely now. If your hobbies are important to you, you will be creative about finding ways to make them happen. Financially, exH's are still responsible for their families, there is state help, there are jobs and so on. "Single parents on the breadline" is a tabloid stereotype. Many of us are anything but as your mum demonstrated. Successful independence requires resourcefulness and flexibility ... something you probably have in spades but have never had a chance to try out because you're too busy pandering to some deadweight of a bloke.

He doesn't have high morals if he thinks he's entitled to have sex on you whether you like it or not, nor if he thinks it's acceptable to call his son a cunt. This man is a bullying pig who despises women, and the sooner you get rid of him the better. He seems to have convinced you that he is your owner rather than your partner: this is bullshit. You don't need his permission to have hobbies - or to leave him.

what eventually worked with my ex was me telling him - you wouldn't talk to your boss/colleague at work like you are talking to me

you need to practice it in front of the mirror - so it comes out naturally as it isn't about confronting him

he is a bully - however lovely and nice he is
it won't get better - it will stay the same or will get worst as in his mind he has a right to treat others the way he does

do your homework, visit a solicitor so you know where you are standing and one day - you will decide where exactly you should be

I think is unhealthy for kids to see mum being treated liek that - so yo umust stand on your 2 feet and stand up to him

in the worst case scenario - you will end up depressed and low

You sound like me a few years ago...
STBX was (is) very controlling. The bedroom light always had to be left on, even though I couldn't sleep, because he "always had to read in bed".

He would disappear into another room every night, without fail, at 9pm (just when I'd finally finished housework and getting children to bed because "he needed his own space" and no, it wasn't acceptable for me to read in the same room because "I turned the pages too noisily".

He yelled and screamed at the DDs for years.

He never, ever apologised for anything - even accidentally treading on someone's foot for example, and used to tell the DDs never to say sorry too.
I could go on and on, but long and short of it is, no matter the good points - and there are obviously some significant ones - if you're not happy putting up with him now, it will only get worse.

I should have divorced STBX years ago - we're now in the middle of a terribly acrimonious divorce and his behaviour to me and the DDs just got worse and worse since the split - so be prepared for that too.

Thanks everyone - I think I needed to hear others say it and that Im not a fool for walking away from what appears to everyone as a good solid marriage . I am feeling a bit better now - I will be strong - I am a strong person.(despite what I have written down!)

I have a decision to make it and once I have made the decision it will be easier (in some respects I guess)

I am going out to my hobby tonight - whether he likes it or not - I will not be stopped from doing something that I enjoy because of his jealousy (a man is involved in the hobby! and apparently I must be shagging him)

That reminds me.... One of my hobbies was am-dram and we were doing a pantomime one year. Still remember a surly ex-H accusing me of shagging my fellow performers. Given that half of a male cast of a panto are happy larking about in make-up and tights and the other half are in drag, I thought it was very funny. (No sense of humour ex-H)

"Last night I didn't want sex" What, you mean you did the night before that? With how he's been behaving?
And what's with him not "allowing" you to do your hobby? Is he stuck in the 1900's or something?

cant - If you leave him (and I hope you do - Gah! So much for therapeutic objectivity!), life will change, no doubt about that. But you will not die, you will not end up on the streets, you'll still have your friends, your kids, your passions ... and you might just get a life back.

Last night I didnt want sex - he told me that if i was too knackered to want sex then he wouldnt "allow" me to go to my hobby again.

Sorry, the OP sounded less serious.
This is the red flag.

Oh, and why would you be leaving the house?

Hi OP, I hope you are okay. I too have a partner who is a heavy drinker and never apologises or accepts responsibility. I have decided the time has come to call it a day. I can't cope anymore with the worry, the embarrassment, the not being able to have visitors round.
I hope you find the strength to make a decision that is right for you and your children.

I went to my hobby last night - he was clearly sulking before i went and he pretended to be sleeping when i got in. So no talking yet - no doubt thay will be tonight.

I would leave the house because he would still come and go as he pleases (there is a reason for this)

I want to be able to have friends round for few drinks sometimes, i want to be able to think its 5 i dont need to rush home to get tea ready cos he'll be moaning, i want to stop planning my life around him, i want to develop my hobby even more without moans or thinking i must be shagging, which is the complete opposite of.what he spends his weekends doing.

I have.told a friend who is v supportive and i think i will talk to dm although i think she will be shocked and it has a big impact on her for a diff reason but she will want/need to know sooner than later

Your first list made him sound wonderful so I was a bit staggered by what came next. My guess would be that the drink is behind all the awful behaviour. That is a lot of time in the pub and I assume he's not nursing an orange juice. I know what you mean about small things tainting the whole marriage. So difficult. I guess you just have to keep thinking about it and talking. The answer will come. Good luck.

All those things you want to be able to do... do them anyway. If there is moaning and you ignore it & carry on doing your own thing, then he is simply whistling in the wind. He will get the message that he can't control you by being miserable. Once you've established your independence, it's easier to take the next step.

But i still keep thinking maybe i am over reacting maybe its not that bad and other couples are the same

its not bad all the time although those periods that im pissed off are more frequent

Im not sure splitting up the family is the right thing to do.

Im cross and i have obviously posted negative things

Bump for anymore advice/suggestions

cant - it might not be "bad all the time", but it is bad enough. Really, it is. Read back what you have written. Even if they are all the negatives and you're worried that we have got the wrong idea (or you're worried you're blowing it out of proportion), this is what I would say to you: none of these things should have happened, yet they did.

So what if this doesn't happen all the time? So what if he has redeeming qualities? All that means nothing if you set it next to what he has said and done to you, and to your kids.

Trust your gut, sweetheart. Our intuition is there for a reason, and it sounds like yours is yelling at you.

My ex is, for the most part, a kind, charming, witty, intelligent man with whom I get on (now). But he is an ex for a reason: he was an atrocious husband in many respects, we were not happy together, and I stayed and stayed and stayed because I couldn't see clearly enough and my self-esteem was crushed into non-existence. I have distance now, and I am so very happy about the decision I made to divorce him. That distance enables me to see clearly where you cannot see clearly: that your husband's words and actions are not deserving of a relationship. You, on the other hand, deserve something far, far better. Maybe you'll get out and give yourself enough distance to see that and to choose differently when it comes along.

I have had the chat with him. I told him i was unhappy, he.doesnt understand, his answer is to give up work and sell the house and he will stop going to pub and sit at home all weekend with me.
I know thats not the answer because it will not make either of us happy.
He has gone to bed his parting words are that he takes it i am leaving and he will gear himself up for that.
No real discussions of the issues or understanding or fighting for marriage
he said he doesnt want us to split but he wont beg
i chatted to my mum and she said she wouldnt tell me what to do its my decision but she will support me whatever.
I seem to have ended up in this 1950's marriage which is so far from how i grew up u would laugh
what do i do now - one word from me and thats it we split. He seems to be leaving that to me - i wonder if the anger will kick in when he has time to think on it