is my marriage over?

[cantfindamnnickname]

History - We've been married 7 years, together 13. We had our first ds within a year of being together, we have always lived together.
We then went on to have another 2 DS's, we are comfortably off, we dont struggle, we have a nice home, cars, caravan etc etc

Good points - we are financially good
we have 3 lovely children
our sex life is good
he works very hard and provides for us financially
I dont want for anything
I have my own money (work - good job) and can afford to buy stuff that I fancy.
he can be very caring/loving/affectionate

but I have come to a point in my life where Im not sure i want to be with him anymore.

The negatives are:
his jealousy, he thinks everyone I ever speak to (male or female) wants to get me into bed,
he can be quite aggressive; he has never hit me and I dont think he would but he certainly shouts and gets cross at me and the children
he is very black and white
he doesnt stop me doing anything but he is very clear about what he "expects"
he works all the time, we rarely have holidays and when we go in caravan its a very stressful time as he expects everything to be right and gets frustrated if its not
if he is not at work he is in the pub, he goes to the pub Friday night, Sat night and Sun afternoon (he doesnt object if i go out - he makes sure he is home for the children)
I think he is a twat when he has had a drink
There have been a few incidents over the years that stick in my mind and they taint everything - I had DS2 and I had mastitis - I was very poorly, i phoned him and asked him to come home from the pub - I have never done this - he didnt come straight home - he was hours later.
I had a miscarriage - he wasnt much of a support - my mum was
he called his own son a fucking cunt the other day
If I raise anything with him he says well you know where the door is.

I have told him at the time about this unacceptable behaviour and we have had big rows.

The question is am I strong enough to walk away - do I want to? Can i fix this? Will i be happy on my own or staying.

Im really struggling at the moment and I need some mm help to get my head a bit clearer.

Congratulations. Well done on arranging a counselling session for yourself, and for takig concrete action.

His threat to harm you, and them blaming you for it, is both appalling and typical of an abusive and controlling man. He is really confirming the rightness of your decision.

Take care of yourself, please have a plan in case he does get physical (I would recommend a bag of personal things at the house of a friend who would be happy for you to turn up on her doorstep at any time without notice).

Ignore your mum's questioning of your decision: as you say, only you know how you feel, and what is best for you to do.

Have you got a solicitor?

I am a Solicitor!! So I will get a colleague to deal with it for me.

It really reinforced my decision when he said that. He cant understand why I am so calm and clinical and not upset - I have told him its because I am upset but I am keeping it all inside me - its bollox Im happy and I cant wait to leave!

So he is trying really hard to wear me down, he swaps from being nice - he is sorry, cant believe he has lost me, he wants to be my friend, how is he going to cope on his own, he is sad for the children, he wont see them, etc etc
to being nasty 10 mins later, and saying I will never cope on my own, lifes going to be so difficult, why would I want to move from our lovely house where I have everything to live in a smaller place with small garden etc. I am a bitch and I will be shagging everything that moves within a couple of weeks if Im not already.
Then he wants sex! err fuck off.

I am finding it incredibly draining and tiring being in the same house as him and his constant questions, I am not sleeping properly and I have lost a stone in a few weeks.

He is most annoyed that tomorrow I have an appointment to have implant removed - I hate it and have wanted it removed for a long time but he wouldnt use anything else and I definately didnt want more children.

I am still very confused about whether i have been controlled or not, I cant reconcile the nice, supportive things he has done to the horrible behaviour - Im finding it really confusing.

Ive just been onto a website recommended on the emotionally abusive website and on some of the things i really veer towards the abusive and some its healthy - maybe if he was really nasty I would feel better.

I finally have some real understanding in what some of my clients are going through and they generally only come to me in far worst situations.

Im still leaving though and Im waiting for my mortgage to go through, which seems to be progressing ok. I am trying to stay strong, I have withdrawn and cut him off emotionally which is making him quite annoyed because he wants to know everything thats going on in my head.

Just read your thread, well done for getting this sorted. You sound emotionally incompatible, at the very least, brave to recognise it and get out. Good luck with it all. Continuing counselling is probably the best bet, especially when there's ambiguity, which let's face it, most of us feel at the end of a relationship.

OP, you say that you are confused about whether you have been controlled or not. Whatever happened before, he is trying his hardest to control you now.

This cycle of nice/nasty/nice/nasty is him trying to put you back in your place, get you back under his control.

First he is nice, you think - Maybe I'm imagining it, things aren't that bad. Then he is nasty, you think - Oh no, I've done something wrong. I'll be really nice to him, do what I'm told and not challenge him for a bit.

So then, he is nice again and what you're supposed to think is - Phew! I've cracked it! As long as I do what I'm told, give up my hobby, have his meals on the table at 7pm on the dot, do all the household chores, he will stay nice and everything will be fine!

I'm sure you can see how this wears you down and eventually you do whatever he wants for a quiet life. Stay Strong!

UPDATE
well i wanted to come back and update all of you kind people that gave me advice when i was really questionning myself.
I am now sitting in the front room of my new house surrounded by mess and cardboard boxes but its all mine (apart from the mortgage co) and i am mumsnetting with my music playing. Kids are in bed sleeping and I am chilling.
Things have been tough, i have been living with my mum for a few weeks until house went through which added lots of driving onto my day.
My oldest is struggling, he blames me and feels sorry for his dad.
As for H he is well and truly showing his true colours - he is only really bothering with the oldest ds has hardly bothered with other 2, doesnt want them overnight because he wants to go out (pub - no surprise there)
im not able to carry on with hobby at the moment but that may change soon.
Its been tough but i still believe i made the right decision and anytime i waver i picture his face and demeanour as he called his 11 year old a fucking cunt and that seals it for me.

Well done - and congratulations.

You tackled this head on and took a brave decision - enjoy your new home

Well Done!

Best wishes with everything.

(I am sad that your Ex is treating your younger children in such an appalling way)

God I remember your thread when you first wrote it. How fantastic that you've done it. WELL DONE and heaps of good luck.

Good for you, glad that you did it, he really sounds quite unpleasant!

A few thoughts from one family lawyer who has had in the past, a very controlling and hard drinking now ex-H. As you no doubt know some heavy drinkers suffer from "Othello Syndrome" which manifests itself in irrational jealousy. Your exH sounds a possible suffer. Al- Anon and Al-Ateen might help you and your children. My fear for you is that your ExH will persuade your eldest child that you wanted your freedom so that you can pursue men, and that that is what you did during the marriage. He will give this as the reason for the break-up of the marriage. The moment you have a new man in your life he will increase the pressure on your child to believe this. You, or some one outside your family, say an Al Ateen sponsor or a counsellor might help your child understand what is really going on. Your EXH will no doubt want to alienate your child from you, in order to punish you. My fear is that there is a real danger of this child following the role model set by his father. He could become heavy drinking and controlling . It is almost certain that his father will encourage him to drink. Unfortunately sometimes it is necessary for the child's wellbeing, to be really honest about the shortcomings (even motives or dangers) of the other parent. Good luck

OP, congratulations.
I am astounded that you thought things through, reached a conclusion, believed in your conviction and carried it through, all in a few short months. Amazing. Many of us deliberate for years
May I wish you much happiness in your new life

Hi well I know this is an old thread but it was mine!

A year on and I look back now and realise actually he was very emotionally abusive, he was extremely controlling and aggressive in his demeanour.

I wish I could say that he had stepped up and become a wonderful father but that hasn't happened, he has failed consistently to put their needs first.

Me however, well it's been a tough year, I'm on anti depressants and having counselling but the kids are settling down, I have my own house, I will be divorced very shortly, but I absolutely made the right decision. I made a list of all the reasons I should leave and I look at the list periodically. I have never wished I was back in the marriage and I have no regrets about walking away.

Oh and I have a date next Saturday!

Good for you! Bloody well done.

That's fantastic! Oh well done OP wishing you and your children a lovely settled life together, and good luck on the date!

Just read through the whole thread. Well done you! I am sure your future will be much brighter and lighter. Enjoy your date on Saturday.

Well done OP, enjoy your date

Good for you having the strength and courage to see it through....it sounds a much better way to live.

How is your oldest lad doing?

raising a to you

When I read your list of positives I was thinking that your life together sounded wonderful. Then I read the negatives and it put a completely different spin on things. I admire you so much. You knew deep down that it wasn't a good situation and had the courage to leave. I understand that life is not perfect and the DC are upset but you will never get perfect anyway. The DC would be upset if you were still together and they had to watch you being bullied in your own home. Well done, you really are a great example to others. At least you can be yourself and not have to put up with your EX. You can go to sleep at night and be proud of yourself. As for the date - get you. Enjoy yourself.

You are awesome, lady x

Well done, ypu know it may be though at first but eventually things will get essier. You now have some worries but these are better than being dying inside while in a marriage that makes you feel miserable.

As for the lack of interest of your ex for his children... I know this may be what ypu are finding more difficult of it all. I knew I could put up with everything and cope with difficulty but when my child started to come in pieces from contact to the point the school thought it necessary to contact SS, I knew he had hit me and badly where it most hurt.

It is several years since my exh refuses to see his son, but with time I have finally acepted that this is for the best, as important as it is that children have contact with their dads, there are sometimes when is actuañly better they don't. Mh son was being put through abuse and neglect during contact time, and with no one to defend him there, his dad was far more abusive to him than he ever was to me.

So, forget about social conventions, it may bd that your children have a better chance for a happy life well away from their dad, even if they seem to miss him at times.

Congratulations. You sound awesome.

Sorry, I haven't read the entire thread but did wonder if your ex has Undiagnosed Aspergers? It is worth considering as he sounds a LOT like a guy I know with it. He's not abusive but is very black and white and has to have his own way. It's obviously not your problem now bit can be hereditary. Sorry, probably way off the mark but your post really resonated with me.

Enjoy that date!

Half of my coleagues have aspergers, some are nice, some are not, just as any other group of people on Earth.

Being black and white doesn't mean the person has apergers, I know quite a few people who are black and white who have no aspergers, most of them are simply uneducated ignoramus full of prejudices with an aor of superiority, so lets not blame such behaviour on a disability, things do not work like that.

Love this thread, resonates so much with my own situation. Am a bit further behind (4 months from split, just about to file for divorce) and this has really inspired me.

Sorry, I really didn't mean to offend you and certainly wasn't defending his outrageous behaviour. I was only using the black and white as one example but anyhow I apologise for any offence.