Oh how I now regret becoming a SAHM and relinquishing my financial independence. Would like to leave h so need to return to work - any suggestions?

[hmc]

I've been unhappy for a while so lets call this a medium term exit strategy (i.e. I can tolerate the situation and can wait until it suits me to go - he isn't abusive or anything) so this might increase my options, i.e. I have time to retrain. What can I do? - I can also afford to retrain (h will pay - he won't know my plan, I'll just say I am keen to return to work...lets not go into the morality of that!) I want to earn a decent amount of money as I will need to support myself (and the dc) now and into the future and make pension provision etc. Of course h when the time comes will pay maintenance - he is quite honourable in that respect.

This is what I have to offer:
Degree (Politics)
MBA
14 years experience in NHS management at a senior level - responsible for £10M budget, 500 staff that kind of thing
Excellent organisational skills
Excellent communication skills

Downsides - Haven't worked for 7 years!
Don't want to return to NHS management under any circs
Am 44 (too old for some employers?)
I will have childcare responsibilities to balance as a single parent - dc are 10 and 8

Interests / Likes / Dislikes
Enjoy analysing, problem solving, report writing etc
Interested in fitness and nutrition
errr...

I can't think straight!

Start applying for similar equivalent posts (not in the NHS!) and then start applying for the lower level posts. Consider any voluntary work you may have done as it shows a willingness to work/keep busy/up to date.

Unless the retraining would help, I would see how the applications go first and then see what your non-successful employers would like to see in terms of additional training...get lots of feedback and go from there.

That's a good idea - speculative applications and seeking employer feedback on what they are looking for...I guess I should just start by dusting off my CV and looking at what's going on in the jobs market

TBH I think going back to NHS management is probably your best bet. I know you say you don't want to, but it would get you all the necessary things - good salary, quite flexible for childcare commitments. They would also probably be more amenable to you being out of work for 7 years. Unfortunately I think the snottiness re public sector experience still exists. Why are you so intent on not going back to the NHS?

You sound like you might be quite good at law but it's insanely competitve to get a training contract and it would not be at all child-friendly in the early years. Pay can also be not great early on.

Hi HMC
long term poster here who recognises you

I'd go back to nhs for now so you can raise funds to leave & then sort career afterwards

It's much easier to find a job when you're in one IMO

Good luck !

NHS management so frustratingly politicised Burlington. However if I returned to a less senior job than previously ...it would be less so...... You are right re the law - others have remarked upon that, and if I had my time again I would go down that route... but it wouldn't be suitable now, for the reasons you have outlined

Good point gumby - it could be an interim step

I agree with posters who say go back to NHS. With a 7 year gap in your CV, you need to get current experience, and the gap is most likely to be overlooked for a job close to what you've already done.

Once you have this job, and recent references under your belt, you will be better placed to look around and decide what you really want to do.

You are all right of course - thanks for the reality check! I shall concentrate on the NHS for the time being and go from there. Thanks - logging off for a bit now, but will check in later

you need to start applying for jobs.

Tbh, the experience you had seven years ago isn't going to be much relevant now. I had experience from nine years ago - the problem is that employers want relevant experience and they want it from now. And the job market is such at the moment that potential employers can take their pick.

Wishing you good luck with the job hunting.

I do find it a bit strange that someone who says they have "excellent comminucation skills" wouldn't discuss with their DH that they were leaving though unless I'm missing something here ....

Goodadvice1980
"I do find it a bit strange that someone who says they have "excellent comminucation skills" wouldn't discuss with their DH that they were leaving though unless I'm missing something here ...."

This bit

I can also afford to retrain ( h will pay - he won't know my plan , I'll just say I am keen to return to work...lets not go into the morality of that!)

I'd go for some time back in the health service and then move out with current skills and updated CV.

Incidentally - you don't get a moral free pass.

lets call this a medium term exit strategy

Nice to be honest in a relationship

I can also afford to retrain (h will pay - he won't know my plan, I'll just say I am keen to return to work...lets not go into the morality of that!)

I think you mean h can afford to pay for your retraining

h when the time comes will pay maintenance - he is quite honourable in that respect

That's one of you.

Why do you assume you will get the children?
Why do you assume he will end up paying the Child Support...
It's you who wishes to leave - so wouldn't it be better to leave DC in the house they are used to with the parent who doesn't want to leave the family?

Your existing NHS pension is probably worth a few bob too, when it comes to him buying you out of the house?

Politicised how? [interested]

Let's be honest - she is the mother who has been SAHM. She will automatically get custody, and he will pay Child Support.

Just because she hasn't told us the ins and outs doesn't mean she hasn't got a very good reason for wanting to leave the relationship (NOT the family). Let's not get judgemental about stuff we have been given absolutely no info on.

Personally I think that if your partner has taken 7 years out of work to look after their and YOUR children, you should be partly responsible for helping them get back into rewarding work when the time comes.

Agree with the whole NHS thing - thus avoiding the whole retraining on the sly thing which isn't really going to help the inevitable split being amicable once your H works out it was all part of a plan.

And your future life will be so much easier if you can be amicable - my only advice, if he's fundamentally a decent man who you just don't love anymore (which is what you imply), is to be as straight with him as you possibly can. It will make the co-parenting that will follow so much more straightforward.

I was in a very similar situation, DH and I were going through a weird phase and I suddenly realised that in terms of working I was shafted.

Like yours my DH is very honorable and would have supported me adequately if I had left, but I felt very strongly that I needed to be able to stand on my own and support my DC if necessary.

I had been out of work for 5 years and initially felt that I would like a change of direction and didnt want to return to my old career but it didn't really happen, I confess to having got luck and landing a really great role in the are in which I had previously worked.

The reason I'm telling you this is because just getting that job has opened up so many more doors. I reckon I could get another job quite easily now, whereas just 6 mths ago even getting anyone to even acknowledge my CV was impossible. So my advice really would be return to your old career and possibly combine that with additional training.

Strangely DH and I are also getting along an awful lot better.

Good luck

BurlingtonBertieFromBow Mon 27-Aug-12 17:41:49
Personally I think that if your partner has taken 7 years out of work to look after their and YOUR children, you should be partly responsible for helping them get back into rewarding work when the time comes.

Of course, and if you have worked your socks off to support your partner [be they SAHD/SAHM]. it's not unreasonable to know if changes in arrangements are planner.

I see very little reason why it should be assumed OP will get residency?

Because mothers almost always do

OneMoreChap

TBH, she has him pretty much fucked over.
SAHM for 7 yrs she is the main carer and the courts will just let her have the DC.
Maintenence through CSA and given that he sounds like a decent bloke + a bit more on top.
She will probably keep the house as it is the children's main home and "DH" will have to pay something towards to cost of it for the next 12 years given the age of the youngest.
The poor bastard won't even see it coming.

let's be honest - it's rare that the father gets residency - especially if the op has been the children's main carer for the past seven years.

Tbh I think it's fine to want to leave a relationship - people fall out of love, don't want the same things, etc. But to use the person you are intending to leave to facilitate you doing so without his knowledge is IMO morally reprehensible.

By all means get a job. go back into work, become financially independent and leave if you so choose. But don't use your h's money to pay for your training when you know that all you want that training for is to give you a way out - a way out that he may not have anticipated.

To be fair, either way he would have to pay. If she refused to support herself and stayed without a paid job he would have to fill the gap and keep her lifestyle the same. This is commonly ordered when a man divorces a SAHM. That was a risk he took when he agreed to her giving up work and looking after the children. If she can support herself then he will have to pay her less after the divorce.

Anyway, she doesn't need retraining because she's good perfectly good professional experience and can get back into the NHS

That was a risk he took when he agreed to her giving up work and looking after the children.

Yep; as you say. His risk. His payment.

Her wish to leave... it just feels... dirty.

Hmc, maybe you starting to work again will make life more balanced fr you, and maybe you will work things out again with your H...?

I have children the same age as yours, and have felt like you do, but for me it has been a case of "going through a bad patch", a few times.

I have always found that having a good argument chat about why I am not happy, and we could do about it to be very useful. I also have felt at those times that I did not want to break up the family unless I felt it was something that could not be sorted out.

A lot of things can be sorted out when you bring them into the open.

And you going back to work will probably be a good decision, whatever choice you make. Being a Sahm can make you forget wjo you really are, and work is a way of getting back to you. Iyswim.

All the best.

Bertie and OneMoreChap, as a longterm MNer I slightly think there is backstory here (HMC, did you have a rather longer name at one point?)

The OP has presumably enabled her husband to further his career at the expense of her own. And that needs to be taken into account when you're thinking about what's 'fair' in terms of her retraining.

That said, OP, I too think the NHS is your best bet. It's a bloody tough world out there at the moment, work-wise. Good luck!

Sorry, I missed OP saying she wanted to leave which means taking DC with her.

I hope they don't miss the house.