Oh how I now regret becoming a SAHM and relinquishing my financial independence. Would like to leave h so need to return to work - any suggestions?

[hmc]

I've been unhappy for a while so lets call this a medium term exit strategy (i.e. I can tolerate the situation and can wait until it suits me to go - he isn't abusive or anything) so this might increase my options, i.e. I have time to retrain. What can I do? - I can also afford to retrain (h will pay - he won't know my plan, I'll just say I am keen to return to work...lets not go into the morality of that!) I want to earn a decent amount of money as I will need to support myself (and the dc) now and into the future and make pension provision etc. Of course h when the time comes will pay maintenance - he is quite honourable in that respect.

This is what I have to offer:
Degree (Politics)
MBA
14 years experience in NHS management at a senior level - responsible for £10M budget, 500 staff that kind of thing
Excellent organisational skills
Excellent communication skills

Downsides - Haven't worked for 7 years!
Don't want to return to NHS management under any circs
Am 44 (too old for some employers?)
I will have childcare responsibilities to balance as a single parent - dc are 10 and 8

Interests / Likes / Dislikes
Enjoy analysing, problem solving, report writing etc
Interested in fitness and nutrition
errr...

I can't think straight!

Sorry, that was Jefferson and OMC.

agreed motherinferior. Don't we constantly say on here that there is no such thing as his and her money in a relationship, especially when one is a SAHP?

motherinferior Mon 27-Aug-12 18:05:44
Bertie and OneMoreChap, as a longterm MNer I slightly think there is backstory here (HMC, did you have a rather longer name at one point?)

See what's said, respond to what's said, I'm afraid.

^The OP has presumably enabled her husband to further his career at the expense of her own.&

Err, yes, of course, if he asked her to become a SAHM. If, on the other hand, she wanted to be SAHM, that was her choice, surely?

And that needs to be taken into account when you're thinking about what's 'fair' in terms of her retraining.

Not the money. The lying by omission.

(Well, actually, my own domestic arrangements do have separate finances to some degree. But then that's because I am tightfisted careful with cash and Mr Inferior is a spendthrift.)

motherinferior

I am not disagreeing with most of what you say, but I can't see the OP's "D"H being -shall we say- happy, when he finds out that he has been used.

OMC's feeling dirty post rings true, if you want to end a relationship then fine do it, but at least have the decency to be honest with your stbx.

Whether or not she chose to become a SAHP, the fact is that this has made it possible for her husband to advance his career. It's not impossible for both of you to work as long and as hard as you'd ideally like, but it usually requires a level of live-in childcare most of us can't manage; in reality, in households where both parents are working, one or other person has to come home, pick up the kids, cook tea and so on. And as a result, there's usually a bit of a dent in one or both career progressions and concomitant earning power.

Surely this is no different to the old fashioned thing that so many women of my mother's generation did of having a 'running away fund'.

At least HMC is going to work and not rely on her DH to support her forever.

I've been a SAHM for 8 years which undoubtedly colours my opinion but I don't see what she's doing is wrong especially as none of us are aware of the back story as to why her marriage is failing.

I work FT, dh is SAHD.

a) Use everyone you know re finding employment. Any contacts you have, get chatting, get networking.

b) IMO you have a right to expect residency to maintain status quo for kids and you have done a hugely important job in staying at home and enabling his career. Can't you stay in the family home or have I missed that??

c) I don't think you are necessarily being unfair by thinking and talking about this before telling him you are leaving..? What's all this about honesty..once you've decided to leave a marriage, why should you have to share your every thought or emotion or plan for that matter?

d) I employ about 50 people and would be put off by someone being out of the market for seven years (JUST BEING HONEST!!) so get as much experience as humanly possible and don't go on about juggling household budgets and children's schedules (JUST BEING HONEST!!) and I refer you to point a)

motherinferior
"Whether or not she chose to become a SAHP, the fact is that this has made it possible for her husband to advance his career"

I always find this a circular arguement he stayed in work so she could become a SAHP. She became a SAHP so he could go to work.

Looking at the money situation in the opening post they could have afforded child care should they have wanted to. So him working enabled her.

But that is not really relevent.

I am not going to be drawn into detailed justification of my actions and would rather the thread get back on track to practical advice except to say that (i) h has been unfaithful more than once, (ii)his working hours necessitated a supporting SAHM role and two full on professional roles were not sustainable, and (iii) I have asked him for a divorce and he won't listen so a mature open discussion is out of the question. He owes me and I am comfortable with my intentions. That's all I am prepared to say on this highly personal matter. Thanks for all constructive advice though - keep it coming.

Well said HMC. And good advice from proud as always.

hmc me old mucker - cest moi! Sorry to hear about this but oddly not surprised.

hope you get some god advice

hmc
Your last post IMO does justify your actions.

Thanks mrsCB - and yes some excellent advice on this thread, I am very appreciative of it

Could you look at civil service roles? Your skills must be very transferable, after all, and they are child-friendly. More varied too in that different departments deal with different things, perhaps. Not great if politics frustrates you though, admittedly.

I see very little reason why it should be assumed OP will get residency?

Because she has been a SAHM and therefore the kids will be closest to her. That applies equally if the bloke has, too. It is about what is best for the kids, not about vindicating either parent's sense of what is fair. Having said that, as the OP seems to think her ex and she would have an honourable post-split relationship she may want to look at a shared care arrangement? Easier on her in terms of childcare, her ex in terms of his relationship with his kids, and above all best for the children, if the parents can co-operate to a high enough degree to make the arrangement without conflict.

I don't think it's fair to blame the OP for plans to make herself financially independent of him, TBH. At least she isn't sat there calculating her share of his earnings for the rest of the kids' school years. She isn't planning on going for more than child support - and they are his kids she has been looking after, too.

OK, good luck with getting back to work.

You seem to have grounds, and I hope the kids maintain contact with both of you.

You say he has been unfaithful, but won't talk about a divorce.

You could always serve him on grounds of adultery, couldn't you? That might focus his mind a bit.

hmc, I just read your update. You're being more than fair IMO, not that the uninformed views of a random eejit on the interwebz will or should matter.

I agree civil service could be an option although lots of us are facing redundancy at the moment, however a 2 year fixed term contract may well be available.

I think re-establishing your career is definitely the right move and will bring you options in more ways than one.

I also agree with everyone who says get your foot back in the door before worrying about what you are going to do for the next 30 years career-wise, it's a tough market and so even just getting back to where you were might be quite difficult, though not impossible if you are determined, and the NHS will be more flexible about career breaks than some other employers.

Good luck, personally I think I've have to make my break for freedom before that, because I'm a very impulsive person and would want it sorted sooner rather than later, but you are not deceiving your husband if you have told him you want a divorce.

My only worry would be that having a professional job requires a lot of extra support, usually from your husband. If he's not behind it, or sees the wider game, then he may not just avoid supporting you, he may actively hinder you e.g. if the children are sick, arranging childcare, not helping with cooking/cleaning. You will need to arrange all this as well, as if you were single, but don't forget that it mustn't just come out of your wage right now, if you get a cleaner/childcare, he can pay too. Good luck.

I think if you can use the skills you already have then that is a better route than retraining tbh - you have not been out of the workplace for as long as many SAHMs. Get what you can as soon as you can - moving up within an organisaton, is easier once you are in there, as is getting a permanent f/t job once you are p/t. For one thing all sorts of employment protection kicks in once you are an employee - i.e. you will have to be considered before external candidates for FT /permanent posts if you are on temporary contracts once you have been there a certain amount of time.

Knowing that you are able to support yourself and your dcs will feel very good. good luck.

Buying / Purchasing / Merchandising in a field that interests you might be an option? Quite well paid, can be flexible, I was in retail but obviously exists in other industries. You have the skills for it.

Thanks all - I have seen a couple of possibilities in the NHS locally - although much less money than I was formerly paid...would be a start though.

Am also considering teaching training as a medium term prospect

Have valued the advice and support x

'teacher' training

Try the website www.womenlikeus.co.uk

Thanks Jamie - have had a quick look (will look properly later) and that looks like a very useful website