Worried for ds

[insanityscratching]

Ds is 23 and has been in a relationship with A for a bit more than six months (not sure exactly tbh). A is the daughter of his line manager B and her husband C who is an alcoholic. A is a student and ds earns a very good salary.
I've always been aware that A is somewhat highly strung and ds is so laid back he probably infuriates her tbh Ds still lives at home whilst he saves for a deposit (will move out next spring) but he comes and goes as he pleases and he's close to us and we have a good relationship. A although always invited and I think made welcome (ds says she's shy) chooses either not to visit if we are at home or visits and goes straight to his room without a hello or a bye not sure why as our dd's bf is always happy around us and there has been no cross words and we have never been negative about her at all.
There have been little incidences that ds has let slip that made me concerned but again I don't ask and I don't comment unless ds asks advice. A threatens suicide, has spectacular meltdowns, he has booked holidays, weekends away, treats etc and she throws a spanner in the works but eventually after a lot of drama they go ahead although a concert and weekend away didn't.
This week and next he is staying with A whilst B and C are away primarily because A is scared of the dark and the dog needs looking after.
He has been home today and looks dreadful, I asked if he was ok because he looks pale and drawn and ill.A is at work (in a pub) and he has sneaked back without her knowing He broke down and said it's been hell A is threatening suicide, keeps grabbing knives, is drinking, won't sleep won't let ds sleep goes berserk if ds looks at his phone (I don't text or phone when he is with A because I am aware she doesn't like it but ds has many friends who do) is insanely jealous if the dog goes near ds, if ds uses the laptop (checking work emails) or even watches TV.
I advised him to call B and C and a doctor but the last time A was threatening suicide ds phoned B and she refused to come back (they weren't even far away just on a night out) to A dismissing it as attention seeking. Today ds let slip that B is much like A and he's desperately looking for a new job because there will be hell to pay when he ends the relationship.
He's gone back now because if A leaves work unexpectedly (she does this) and realises he's come home she will go ballistic.
I am so worried for him and don't know what to do, I can't text or phone because it antagonises A and makes it worse for ds but I am worried he will get hurt. He won't leave her whilst B and C are away and they won't come home so he's trapped. I've told him to resign and we'll help him until he gets something new but to do it quickly and get away from the family but ds is proud and independent so wants to sort it himself.
What, if anything, can I advise ds to do?

Oh dear, what a truly awful position to be in OP. Obvoiusly it's a very loaded situation, with your son's employment being tied in to the relationship situation. I guess ultimately your son could call your local crisis team and blow the whistle on his GF threats. Most likely the whole situation would explode. Since the parents are apparently unresponsive, a more measured approach would be to persuade his gf to go to the GP and insist on going with her to ensure the GP has a full picture. Is he ready to DO something, at the moment, or is he hoping it will blow over? It sounds really abusive and he seems to be very drawn in. I feel for you as a Mum - as a Mum myself, I would consider an intervention. Good luck and keep posting x

After the first suicide drama ds said she went to GP and she said GP had told her it was the stress of exams but neither I nor he knows if that was the case but in any case she hasn't been in uni for a few months now.
I had warned ds when B introduced them that it would make life at work difficult but I had no inkling of what was to come. Technically he could speak to his seniors and request a transfer (Local Government) I suppose but he's just desperate to get away.
I did ask if he wanted me to create a crisis for him to escape to at home but he's scared she will go through with her threat and he won't risk that. She has no friends he can call on to get her support after behaving badly on a recent girl's holiday and she won't mix with ds's so doesn't have any relationships there.
I feel helpless but I'm so scared that she will lose it and hurt my ds.

I completely understand where you're coming from. The urge to go and protect your ds must be overwhelming.

What I would say, though, is that he is an adult now and will have to make his own decisions. What I would impress on him is that it is very important that he knows he can tell you anything, it is also essential that if he feels in danger he calls the police. She might not like it and threaten to harm herself - so be it. If you and he can think of a way he can let you know he is okay every day without antagonising her, so much the better. The priority is to get through this coming week and then take a breath.

He should probably also try and video her on his phone. Either her parents don't know how manic she has become, or this is a regular thing - either way he needs to be ending this relationship for both their sakes, and the hell with any consequences for his work.

Presumably he is meant to be at work during the week this week. Honestly I think I would advise him to book leave or phone in sick, so he can come home and at least get some rest.

Oh dear, I doubt there's not that much you can do until he decides he's had enough. This is going to be a hard lesson for him whatever you do. You're doing the right thing by providing him with refuge, but you must be terribly worried, and understandably so.

Please encourage him not to leave his job, but to see HR and speak to them honestly about the problem and ask for a transfer. The work relationship dimension is unhelpful and it may be one that he can head off.

It's better for him that it's not a private employee, since it gives him the chance to cover himself before the poo hits the fan. It's best to plan when dealing with someone like this. How close is he to being ready to take action? You can continue to offer support and help when he is ready and to keep reminding him that this is abusive and not normal behaviour. Noone should feel that the responsibility for another person's life or death is in their hands. When she makes threats, she no longer has a right to privacy. She also very much needs help, so pandering to her will stand in the way of her getting the right help. Your calmness must be a great help in his crazy situation.

Ds had booked the two weeks off because he thought they'd be having fun and going out every day and having the house to themselves in the evening. But he's now arranged to go to work telling A they will go away later in the year instead because he is desperate to get away and she will tolerate him at work if she meets him for lunch.
A went away the week before her parents did, there were some "incidences" no idea what but the upshot was her friends cut her loose and the friendships are now over. Her parents went away before A got home so haven't seen her for more than two weeks but as far as I know she was pretty stable before the holiday.
If he gets to work I can speak to him there (she checks his phone) so at least I'll know he's ok and then we just need to get her parents home and hope they take on board it is serious.
It's really hard to remember he's an adult when all you can see is that he could be in trouble tbh.

Completely understand. My ds is only 7 but I know I would feel exactly like you do and the fact he is an adult would count for jack all in my mind. It's worth saying that she is also an adult; if her parents won't come back it isn't your ds' responsibility to stay with her, even if he feels it is. He's in an abusive situation.

It's very good that he's going into work so you can establish contact.

He will cut her loose when her parents take over I'm sure of it, work he will put up with an awful lot before he will consider it intolerable but he's well liked and well thought of so hopefully he'd be protected from blatant persecution in any case and he has an interview in September anyway so a chance to get away. I have a feeling tomorrow will be one of the longest days of my life.

Sounds very stressful. I am trying to imagine what I would do if that were my stepson in the situation. I would probably contact the parents myself and tell them to get their arses back home and sort out their daughter.

I know your boy is an adult, but he sounds completely out of his depth in the situation and it must be hell for him.

Ultimately, she is not his responsiblity though, and I hope he can get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

I don't know much about mental health issues but if - as it seems - she is genuinely having some kind of breakdown or episode, could she be sectioned? Have you tried posting on the mental health boards to see what the procedure is? Is your DS worried for her when he's not there?

She is insanely jealous with regards to ds so it's not that he's worried about her when he's not there it's more that him being away from her or him not giving her his sole attention seems to provoke her when he gets back even if it's only to text me or his Dad or siblings or to come home. This seems to have hugely increased because now the dog is provoking her and even ds watching TV sets her off.She copes with him being at work probably because she has her Mum there to report back so a little worried as to how she'll take ds going to work when her Mum isn't there.

What a horrible situation for your son to be in. I think the sooner he makes the break the better if that's what he wants to do. he should not be emotionally blackmailed like this. What a miserable life for a young man with all this stress. The girls parents should be taking some responsiblity. I thought at first you meant the girl's parents own the company. I agree it would be better to ask for a transfer. Was totally shocked at she checks his phone. That is just abuse.

She sounds either very disturbed or utterly dreadful, insanityscratching. Hard to tell but either way she needs help your ds is not equipped to provide. If he decides to hot foot it out, I'd suggest he takes the dog with him for its own safety, to be honest.

She just sees the worst in everyone tbh. She thinks ds is always looking for an opportunity to cheat when in fact he's a decent young man who wouldn't ever do that. She says he's a mummy's boy because he's close not just to me but to all of his family and she doesn't want to join us or for us to intrude when ds is with her (that's fine because he's his own person and I'm not demanding of his time or attention) She doesn't like his friends and all efforts to get her to join them and their girlfriends lead to nothing and then she goes ballistic when ds goes alone.It's all so difficult and now it seems she's upped the stakes an awful lot.

It's all standard abusive behaviour, insanityscratching. Isolating him from sources of support or validation. Controlling his communications, accusations of infidelity, threats of suicide, not letting him sleep (actually a form of torture). Jealous of the dog, jealous of the TV ...

Is he definitely going to split with her. I ask because it sounds as if he has already accepted pretty extreme behaviour from her, also could she be guilting him into staying in a relationship with her because of what she might do if he leaves.

Obviously, he should split with her for his sake, she is so messed up.

Could he make an appointment to see her doctor (on the pretext that it is his appointment) and discuss his fears about her suicidal tendencies with him and get some advice from someone unrelated to the situation.

Yes he swore to me he was this afternoon, the last major episode she and her mum blamed on some acne medication and then it seemed to settle down with blips when ds has gone out without her. Ds is too easy going and too laid back and has put up with too much already and I have a feeling I don't know half of what's gone off either which worries me.
She lives about twenty miles from us so ds won't know who her Doctor is I'm sure.
Initially A and her mum painted C as abusive and an alcoholic and ds thought A was "vulnerable" because of that. Now ds sees that C does have alcohol issues but he seems the most rational of the three.Neither B or C seem willing to put A first and seem to have abdicated that responsibility to ds tbh.

It's to your absolute credit that you have remained calm and rational. At 23, at any age really, that's an awful lot on his shoulders and he is in an abusive situation.

There is a couple of tacks I would take. With his permission and if you can, I would contact her parents, outline the alarming nature of her behaviour and tell them you are insisting ds move home for his own sanity and health and you suggest they hot-tail it home. I appreciate that he is an adult, but yes, I'd run interference for him, but just as importantly for his gf who is only 19, a child really, and needs help asap.

Or, he, if he can hang-fire until gf's parents return, move out/home and focus on either that job interview or a transfer and let them deal with the gf fallout.

He will be home the minute her parents return, they don't live together (and won't ever) despite some pushing on A's part probably because he's got his head screwed on and he's close to us.
It's so awful thinking my lovely boy is being the subject of abuse, you worry for your daughter although ironically her bf is a real gem but never think that your son could be in that position.
I should have been more on the ball because looking back now I can see there has always been little pointers she's jealous of his sister who is 9 and autistic, she tried to add his brother and sister on Facebook but won't speak to them or socialise with them in or out of the house, she gets ill if ds has a night out planned if she goes on a work do she gets drunk so ds has to take her home early lots and lots of things.
I need him home and I need to help him see what's been happening and how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Don't feel bad about not noticing it sooner, it's always easier to notice the warning signs in hindsight. He's an adult and you'd normally expect a man of that age to be quite independent in their relationships. Young people have to learn to make their own mistakes and part of being a parent is learning how to let go.

A does sound like an old friend of mine, she had an alcoholic father too and was later diagnosed with BPD, she had a chronic fear of abandonment which would trigger hysterical behaviour sometimes and this behaviour sounds similar. I think there is not an awful lot you can do in this situation, but personally I think contact with MH services would be the right thing for her in the long term. If she is threatening suicide she could certainly be sectioned as another poster mentioned, and your ds could look into getting in touch with the local MH services since her parents are absent.

So, if I read this correctly, her parents are currently unaware that this drama is going on at home?
He needs to phone them and tell them how she is and that he cannot cope with her behaviour and they need to come back to sort her out.
They may have witnessed this sort of thing before and may have ways of managing it which are unknown to him.
He could also ask who her GP is and book an appointment with the GP for her.
He can access the GP out of hour service or phone 999 if he feels she is a danger to herself or to him.
It's interesting that she is managing to get herself together enough to go to her pub job.
Could they both come and stay with you for the remainder of the time her parents are away? That way, he wouldn't be abandoning her but would have some support himself. She may throw at strop at the suggestion but maybe he should throw it right back.

Yes as far as I know they are unaware, I'm not sure if they keep in touch with A whilst away but they haven't been in touch with ds.She won't come here, she barely ever visits if we are at home and there's a houseful at home today at least. I've no idea how she's managing the job but ds says she has gone to every shift and as far as he knows there have been no incidents . He says she seems to manage to hold it together which makes him then wonder if the dramatics that can be happening just before are real.
I've barely slept for worrying if they are ok, I don't know if she is working at all today so don't know if ds will be able to get in touch today.
I impressed upon him yesterday that he must call a Doctor for her, he said he'd been trying to get her to agree to see one all week but that upped the hysteria.
I've no idea what has set this off because on paper she should be happy she'd have ds to herself with no distractions for a fortnight as there's nothing for ds coming up ( a night out might get her going IYSWIM)
We went away the fortnight before she did and she stayed here mostly and dd said that they seemed happy together although A never spoke to dd or dd's bf even if they were in the same room. Then she went away with her friends and there was trouble from the off really, she got drunk the first night and ......... I don't know but her friends then stopped including her and she spent the week doing her own thing. There were lots of hysterical phone calls to ds but she wouldn't fly home even though ds repeatedly offered to arrange and pay for everything. He spoke to her Mum then but either she doesn't grasp that it's serious or it's a regular thing and she's not worried by it.

Sounds like a classic borderline. The sooner he manages to extricate himself from this controlling attention seeker the better. So sorry you are having to see your son manipulated in this way.

Did you manage to speak to him yesterday, OP? Hope he's okay.

He managed to pop in for twenty minutes last night after he'd finished some maths tutoring he does over this way on the pretext of needing work clothes. Managed to let him know just how worried I am (he'll take that on board better than he'll worry for his own safety) spoke to him about whether A has a MH issue or not he is being abused and he would never allow that to happen to me or his sisters and it is just as serious with him being the victim and we will give him whatever support he needs and whatever he tells me I won't be shocked or judge or anything else.
A was texting constantly because it was dark and she was alone (I suspect she didn't want him here because she suggested buying new work clothes) I don't actually believe the fear of the dark tbh.
He said yesterday hadn't been too bad, I suspect she realises that she has pushed him to the limit because he's opted to go to work and now it will calm down and she'll be reasonable until next time (there won't be a next time) as that has happened before.
It did him good I think, his siblings love him and the two with autism hero worship him a bit and so in 20 minutes they did much to increase his self worth and to tighten the bonds a bit.
We'll speak today whilst he's in work but feel more at ease knowing he'll be out for 10 hours a day and he has good friends at work so that will help too.
B and C are home Saturday and ds is coming home before they get back and will spend the weekend with us. On Monday he'll fill B in on what's been happening and get her to get A some help and pre warn her that their relationship is coming to an end so as she knows that A is going to need her and then he'll end it with A knowing that he did what he could to make sure she had support in place first.
Don't expect it to be that simple tbh have a feeling that A won't be reasonable and B might not either so am expecting ructions but they are unlikely to meet out and about and ds has plenty of friends and a family to love and support him so I think longterm he'll be ok.
Thanks for the advice and letting me offload it's helped a lot. I'll update as and when and no doubt ask for more advice if it's not straightforward.