Worried for ds

[insanityscratching]

Ds is 23 and has been in a relationship with A for a bit more than six months (not sure exactly tbh). A is the daughter of his line manager B and her husband C who is an alcoholic. A is a student and ds earns a very good salary.
I've always been aware that A is somewhat highly strung and ds is so laid back he probably infuriates her tbh Ds still lives at home whilst he saves for a deposit (will move out next spring) but he comes and goes as he pleases and he's close to us and we have a good relationship. A although always invited and I think made welcome (ds says she's shy) chooses either not to visit if we are at home or visits and goes straight to his room without a hello or a bye not sure why as our dd's bf is always happy around us and there has been no cross words and we have never been negative about her at all.
There have been little incidences that ds has let slip that made me concerned but again I don't ask and I don't comment unless ds asks advice. A threatens suicide, has spectacular meltdowns, he has booked holidays, weekends away, treats etc and she throws a spanner in the works but eventually after a lot of drama they go ahead although a concert and weekend away didn't.
This week and next he is staying with A whilst B and C are away primarily because A is scared of the dark and the dog needs looking after.
He has been home today and looks dreadful, I asked if he was ok because he looks pale and drawn and ill.A is at work (in a pub) and he has sneaked back without her knowing He broke down and said it's been hell A is threatening suicide, keeps grabbing knives, is drinking, won't sleep won't let ds sleep goes berserk if ds looks at his phone (I don't text or phone when he is with A because I am aware she doesn't like it but ds has many friends who do) is insanely jealous if the dog goes near ds, if ds uses the laptop (checking work emails) or even watches TV.
I advised him to call B and C and a doctor but the last time A was threatening suicide ds phoned B and she refused to come back (they weren't even far away just on a night out) to A dismissing it as attention seeking. Today ds let slip that B is much like A and he's desperately looking for a new job because there will be hell to pay when he ends the relationship.
He's gone back now because if A leaves work unexpectedly (she does this) and realises he's come home she will go ballistic.
I am so worried for him and don't know what to do, I can't text or phone because it antagonises A and makes it worse for ds but I am worried he will get hurt. He won't leave her whilst B and C are away and they won't come home so he's trapped. I've told him to resign and we'll help him until he gets something new but to do it quickly and get away from the family but ds is proud and independent so wants to sort it himself.
What, if anything, can I advise ds to do?

I really don't think you need to try to justify yourself, i doubt I would have been so nice and welcoming to someone I am certain is abusing my child.

But I didn't think she was abusing ds, I thought she was very shy and overwhelmed by our houseful when she is an only child. Yes I was a bit about her objecting if I text ds if she was with him but naively assumed that it was young love and to be fair ds would normally text me first rather than the other way round so it sneaked up on me more than it being a direct order. I'm not at all possessive of ds quite the opposite in fact I have more than enough to do to keep me busy, we're a close family though who get on well so when they haven't got a better offer they are happy to hang out at home with or without friends, bf's etc.Making A welcome was just the norm, they all bring their friends home and they are all welcome.

Op, you sound very caring and sensitive to me. Your poor ds. He must feel so haunted and trapped. Awful. Amazing he's stuck it out for so long.

He must finish the relationship and not engage with her anymore at all. He's being drawn into her hysteria. It's simply all too much for anyone to take on.

He can go to HR on Monday and explain the situation - give them a heads up on the girl's drastic threats and the connection with her mother and your ds's work.

My first bf was like this girl. I don't think he was mentally ill. Insecure, controlling and hysterical mind. I finished with him many times but his threats of suicide made me make up with him until I just couldn't bear the pressure anymore. I was just 17 and ironically, he dumped me for someone else! The relief was immense.

Whatever the girl's issues, neither your ds nor you can help her really. But the damage done to your ds could be irreparable.

I would avoid talking about your "tightening" bonds with your ds and family as that sounds really suffocating too. Perhaps your ds really needs to strike out on his own now and get some real independence away from everyone for a while.

I take on board the bit about the bonds tbh. I'm not even sure if that's what was happening it's more that the two with autism worship their older ds and because they hadn't seen him for ten days they were ecstatic to see him and they and ds soon slipped into their sibling routines (it's an autism thing and different to a normal relationship) Maybe it's not bonds more like slipping on a comfy pair of slippers.

Oh and ds will be gone in the spring (I have plans for his room ) and maybe a bit sooner if he clips his wings a little

Well, some normality must be so nice for your ds at the moment.

His ex - he's finished with her, right? - will rant and rave, be calm, rant again, threaten all sorts of things until she realises its not getting her anywhere. That's when he needs to watch out, especially wrt his work because she will see herself as having nothing to lose by trying to make life difficult for him at work.

I hope her mother doesn't allow your ds's ending of the relationship to justify her being unprofessional about him.

my first thought is drugs tbh

could you call her mum and dad and explain

I think the OP has had a lot of unfair criticism here; her primary aim is her son's health/safety - and quite rightly so.

I too feel very sad for A, she sounds a very unhappy person with some pretty major issues. Nonetheless, OP has tried to welcome her to the family without success.

In common with Athendof, I see no reason at all why you should need to justify yourself and, given A's hostility towards your family from the beginning of her relationship with your ds, I'm filled with admiration for both your exceptional restraint and the reasoned and measured way in which you've conducted yourself.

It should be obvious to all that you did everything possible to welcome A into your household but, unfortunately, her instability has threatened the welfare and wellbeing of your ds which has caused immense stress and worry for you.

This young woman would seem to have numerous issues which appear to indicate that she would benefit from psychiatric help/intervention but, although these may provide some clue as to her inner turmoil, it does not excuse her hateful and hurtful manner towards others nor, in particular, does it justify her abuse of your ds.

Given A's hostility towards your family from the beginning of her relationship with your ds, I'm filled with admiration for both your exceptional restraint and the reasoned and measured way in which you've conducted yourself.

Your ds is clearly a young man to be proud of and I sincerely hope that he is able to stand firm in the face of what may be a veritable onslaught of texts/calls/threats/demands from A and does not find himself being sucked back into the vortex because of his caring nature.

I suspect that A's compulsion to control your ds will rapidly become harassment and, should this prove to be the case, I suggest you encourage your ds to involve the police as this may serve to concentrate her dps' minds on their dd's needs and may go some way to getting her the help she needs.

100% certain it's not drugs I know ds and there is no way he'd get involved with anything like that not least because of his career. I won't interfere or contact B not least because A pleaded with ds not to tell me and I'd hate to think A would be embarrassed by my knowing.I trust ds to speak honestly to B, he'll be sensitive to both their feelings I know but he'll do what he can to make sure A gets some support. He's a nice lad, B wouldn't have introduced him to A if she hadn't thought so too.

Edit failure alert - I only meant to express my admiration once but, on reflection, it's worth repeating because you truly have behaved admirably throughout and I have no doubt you'll continue to do so

My heart goes out to you insanityscratching. You sound lovely.

I hope the gf gets appropriate help and I hope your ds recovers well from this relationship.

You do sound like a lovely mum OP so, at the risk of sounding negative, can I just warn you that you may need to support and defend your son further if this girl does have any issues like borderline personality disorder.

My DF hooked up with a woman like this, can't say too much without risking outing myself but when he tried to end the relationship she has been abusive to family (including vile and personal stuff told to his 80+yr old mother) and caused a lot of difficulty both at his work and in general life. We had to get police involved at one point.

I hope it doesn't happen to you but just please make DS be prepared if it should. Do as others have advised and forewarn work, etc. Make sure he covers himself.

Hi Insanity hows things with your DS?

your DS neds to speak to HR and if needs be ask for a transfer. he shoul not rsign.

re: A she is an adult albeit with issues. she is not your responsibility nor is she your Ds's responsibility.

it is not his role to tell her GP or her parents either though if he feels he ought to he could let them know that the relationship is over. no whys or reasons, then let her parents support her or not.

if A threatens suicide he should call 999. let them deal with her. let them offer her the help she needs - tho unles sshe actually danger to herself or others it requires her cooperation and wilingness to ask for help. but that is not your DS's responisbility.