Worried for ds

[insanityscratching]

Ds is 23 and has been in a relationship with A for a bit more than six months (not sure exactly tbh). A is the daughter of his line manager B and her husband C who is an alcoholic. A is a student and ds earns a very good salary.
I've always been aware that A is somewhat highly strung and ds is so laid back he probably infuriates her tbh Ds still lives at home whilst he saves for a deposit (will move out next spring) but he comes and goes as he pleases and he's close to us and we have a good relationship. A although always invited and I think made welcome (ds says she's shy) chooses either not to visit if we are at home or visits and goes straight to his room without a hello or a bye not sure why as our dd's bf is always happy around us and there has been no cross words and we have never been negative about her at all.
There have been little incidences that ds has let slip that made me concerned but again I don't ask and I don't comment unless ds asks advice. A threatens suicide, has spectacular meltdowns, he has booked holidays, weekends away, treats etc and she throws a spanner in the works but eventually after a lot of drama they go ahead although a concert and weekend away didn't.
This week and next he is staying with A whilst B and C are away primarily because A is scared of the dark and the dog needs looking after.
He has been home today and looks dreadful, I asked if he was ok because he looks pale and drawn and ill.A is at work (in a pub) and he has sneaked back without her knowing He broke down and said it's been hell A is threatening suicide, keeps grabbing knives, is drinking, won't sleep won't let ds sleep goes berserk if ds looks at his phone (I don't text or phone when he is with A because I am aware she doesn't like it but ds has many friends who do) is insanely jealous if the dog goes near ds, if ds uses the laptop (checking work emails) or even watches TV.
I advised him to call B and C and a doctor but the last time A was threatening suicide ds phoned B and she refused to come back (they weren't even far away just on a night out) to A dismissing it as attention seeking. Today ds let slip that B is much like A and he's desperately looking for a new job because there will be hell to pay when he ends the relationship.
He's gone back now because if A leaves work unexpectedly (she does this) and realises he's come home she will go ballistic.
I am so worried for him and don't know what to do, I can't text or phone because it antagonises A and makes it worse for ds but I am worried he will get hurt. He won't leave her whilst B and C are away and they won't come home so he's trapped. I've told him to resign and we'll help him until he gets something new but to do it quickly and get away from the family but ds is proud and independent so wants to sort it himself.
What, if anything, can I advise ds to do?

Sorry for what your DS is going through.

As he works in LG, I would suggest he approaches the next boss up from B, to explain the situation without going into too many details. "I have been going out with B's DD, I need to break it off with her and she will be very upset. I am worried that this will affect my working relationship with B. What would you advise?" and to only go into any more details if the LM asks.

Very good advice, BalloonSlayer. I would even go a little further and say it does seem that B's DD has some health problems that mean her reaction could be disproportionate (I don't think that breaks any confidences or paints B in a bad light?) and it could make the working environment very difficult.

I'm glad to know your ds is okay, insanity, but I will also feel a measure of relief when he is home this week! Nothing compared to you of course, but even so. It's good to know that the crisis has probably passed for now, although I doubt she'll make it easy for him to come home for the weekend.

Dh has asked him to go to the football match with him on Saturday so he has a reason to be home, she should work Saturday night and Sunday lunch so that will occupy a lot of time and I'm hoping B and C will want to spend some time with A. When B and C are there ds will find it easier to get away and stay away I think. I could even ask him to babysit if he wanted an excuse, she'll not come here for that because she doesn't like dd (9) making it plain that she considers her place in ds's affections number one and A a very poor second.

Have just read this thread and although I have no advice to give, wanted to offer my support.

Your ds sounds lovely and you sound fab too so I hope this awful situation is sorted soon.

Please keep us updated.

Well ds is home , it came to a head last night, they went out for dinner and A was spectacularly rude to the staff and went mad when ds pulled her up on it and apologised for her.This continued back at the house and she told ds to leave, I don't think she expected him to take her at her word but he was home for eleven and had made it clear that it was over.She was phoning and texting asking him to go back when I went to bed just after midnight but ds was adamant he was going nowhere and he's still home this morning. I don't expect that this will be the end of it but he will speak to B and urge her to seek help for A on Monday.Ds will be fine, we're a close family and he has lots of friends who care for him, pretty sure he'll look back one day and thank his lucky stars he escaped.

I've just read all the thread. Your poor DS! I can't work out what the hell is wrong with that girl, but she seriously needs help. I'm so glad he's back home and I hope he changes his job. His ex's mum shouldn't be his boss any longer - I really doubt she could remain impartial.

That's a big relief. Of course it's probably not over but hope he can disengage from gf as much as possible by reducing/stopping contact and speak to who he needs to if it spills over at work. You sound like a lovely supportive family.

Well op I hope you/ your DS never has mental health problems.

What an unsympathetic person you are.

Just warn him - the next step could be 'accidental' pregnancy. He could end up tied to her forever one way or another. He also needs to speak to a senior manager while B is away. Good luck.

oops - didn't see two pages, just seen your update. Good

Im sorry but having read all of this, i agree with Margery. This poor girl clearly has some serious mental health issues, caused by her vile family no doubt. You blatantly dislike the girl and your posts are all about your son. Yes, she is abusing him, this is because she has MH issues. Your son should talk, in confidence to her doctor. Is there any wonder she is possesive of your son, after the way her family treats her :( Its not his responsibility of course and he has done well to stay as long as he did, but i can't help but question if your main aim was to get him away from her, maybe you are as possesive as she is. Poor sod sounded like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I think he should stay away from her, i really hope she gets the help she needs, maybe now she has been totally abandoned by everyone she will turn to her doctor for help.

Mental health problems aren't always caused by someone. She has issues and are the critical posters suggesting this lad should be bravely taking them on. Regardless of his lack of knowledge of mental health issues or his lack of life experience, he should battle on 'helping' her - how exactly isn't described.

The OP is desperate for this sad girl not to saddle her DS with her problems and she is absolutely right to do this. The girl sounds as if she needs professional help and as long as she is encouraged in her behaviour and 'supported' by do gooders that won't happen. The sooner he gets away the better imo.

Whilst it irks me that the poor girl has already been diagnosed with a personality disorder on this thread, your ds needs to stay away and allow her to get the help that she so obviously needs.

There are of course always two sides to every story and maybe op you could have done a little bit more to get to know her as she obviously was/is important to your son. Perhaps a bit more compassion and trying to understand would have been more helpful.

i didnt read anyone saying this girl has a personality disorder but she clearly has some major issues if she is threatening suicide and needs professional help, that much i agree that it is not the DS place to do this and he should not feel responsible. My issue is with the OPs attitude to the girl, there are a few concessions to being worried about her but i don't actually think the OP gives s shit so long as she keeps away from her son. Maybe i would be the same if my DD found herself with a similar partner, i would hope, having suffered from MH issues myself, i would be a bit more sympathetic in my description.May you are right, not all MH issues are caused by people or situations, they are illnesses that the sufferers often don't receive the help that they need due to the stigma.

Those of you saying OP is bad, how about a gender-reversal? If the op had said her daughter was involved in an abusive relationship with a man who had mood problems, screamed at her in public, and constantly checked up on her whereabouts, would you be saying that the daughter should stick around? That she should take responsibility for his behaviours?

I can't believe the abuse OP is getting on this thread. Any decent mother of a young person involved with someone with these problems, whether male or female, would be quite right to advise them to run for the hills.

It's not OP's responsibility or her son's responsibility to help this woman. It's a bad experience, one that hopefully her son will learn from as he will be more aware of the warning signs in future.

The important thing is he doesn't get dragged into an ongoing saga which will affect the rest of his life, and the OP is right to be supporting him in trying to break away from it now, before any more damage is done.

There is absolutely nothing OP or her son can do to help this woman.

I totally agree that the son should break away from this girl, if he can persuade her to get medical help before he does so, great. My objection was the way in hwhich the OP described the girl, its clear she doesn't like her.

As for gender reversal - id say exactly the same thing. He needs to leave, but the girl/guy may or may not be a bad person, they need help.

OP is doing nothing wrong. My concerns would be primarily for my child if they had an unstable and abusive partner. It sounds like he has been very supportive in the past but no one is Superhuman and it is incredibly draining if she has mental health problems and he is staying with her.

All he can do is speak to her parents and tell them she desperately needs help and he has ended the relationship. And he needs to stay strong and keep to this.

I haven't read any 'abuse' to the op - only a differing view.

And I think it's been unanimous that ops son needs to get out the relationship.

Ds's girlfriend clearly has some deep emotional problems and as a mother myself, I can't help but feel compassion to any young person who's clearly that unhappy and distressed. Something that seems to be distinctly lacking on this thread. Instead arm-chair diagnoses of BPD and talk of sectioning.

No, op's son is not responsible for her well-being but he's 23 and got himself into this relationship and the kindest thing he can do for her now is to get out of the relationship and stay away.

Oh gosh you have definitely got me wrong I have tried to welcome A into our family (like dd's bf and ds's previous gfs) she has never wanted to be involved or included.
I never interfere in any of my children's relationships and had ds not have come home looking absolutely dreadful I wouldn't have thought to ask about what was going off at A's.
I'm very concerned for A and advised him repeatedly to get a Dr, call her parents but my priority is ds and knowing he is in a situation where knives are being bandied about then damn right I want him out of there just like I would if any of my children were in that situation.
Ds is 23 and quite possibly has had a very easy life in that he has no experience of the more difficult side of life, he isn't in a position where he can support A he has neither the experience nor the resilience and it's a relatively new relationship that was in no way destined to be permanent (acknowledged on both sides) A needs professional help and now her parents are home I hope she will be encouraged to access that.
It is very sad for A but a continued relationship with ds wouldn't have been beneficial to her in anyway (ds is too laidback and has too many people in his life and that unsettles A) and might have impeded her getting help.
Ds will be speaking to B despite A asking him not to because he wants her to get well and get what she needs not because he wants to offload her but because he recognises that covering it up won't be best for her in the long run.

Your last post sounds very fair OP. I hope that she gets help, tbh her parents sound like a shower of shite, but that really isn't your DD's fault or responsibility. Best thing he can do for her is stand firm, this will be a life lesson for him.

mumsknots
you could have done a little bit more to get to know her

Perhaps a bit more compassion and trying to understand would have been more helpful.

As if it this would have made one bit of difference!

MargeryKemp

What an unsympathetic person you are.

LucyEllensmum
My issue is with the OPs attitude to the girl

i can't help but question if your main aim was to get him away from her, maybe you are as possesive as she is. Poor sod sounded like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You blatantly dislike the girl and your posts are all about your son.

My objection was the way in hwhich the OP described the girl, its clear she doesn't like her.

Why the hell would she "like her"? She's made her son's life a misery.

All these accusations of lack of compassion, lack of sympathy, possessiveness - they are all completely irrational and unjustified in my view. OP is doing what every decent mother would do, which is to try to help her (clearly well-brought-up, compassionate and kind) child get away from a truly awful relationship in which he is being taken for a mug.

You know what, not all nasty, demanding, threatening possessive and abusive people are mentally ill. Some people actually think they have every right to act that way.

Is your DS in a union at his workplace? He might find it helpful to consult his workplace union rep in confidence in case of issues with his line manager now that the relationship with A is over. The union can ensure that he is treated fairly and it will perhaps give him some reassurance that his employment is secure.

And I suggest you're clearly confused as to what the definition of 'abuse' is.

To be clear I never disliked A, I was sad that she wouldn't join us as a family and tried my hardest to make her feel more comfortable here (inviting her when there was only a few at home rather than when it was a houseful) I made sure that when she came I took her tea/coffee and biscuits to ds's room and offered food so that she, I hoped, felt welcome despite her not even saying hello. I neither phoned nor text when ds was with A even when they were on holiday for a fortnight even though generally ds and I would be in touch daily because A wasn't happy with this. I'm not sure what else I could have done tbh.
Yes when ds told me what was happening I wasn't happy and the tone of my first post (and subsequent ones perhaps) is more due to stress and fear rather than any dislike of A.
I still don't dislike A I feel very sad that that she is obviously very unhappy and more sad that she doesn't have the sort of relationship with her parents where her needs would be the priority and she'd have got the support earlier on.
I had hoped in the beginning she would have enjoyed being a part of our family and I would like to think I could have been someone she could speak to but I nor ds could have forced her to do that and A made it clear it wasn't what she wanted.