Diary of a failing marriage

[GreenSanta]

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I agree Greensanta that she ought to make an effort to get up quietly. Here's what my dh does to keep the noise level to a minimum to avoid disturbing me at 06.00 a.m.

• he doesn't put on the bedroom light
• he tiptoes out onto the landing and uses the family bathroom for a shower rather than use the en suite
• he gets his clothes out the night before and gets dressed in the spare room rather than in our room

Not too logistically difficult - he doesn't mind doing it, and it allows me to sleep on. Harmony!

Re the farting thing - try and go off to the loo or another room to do it. Maybe I am totally anally retentive (what a terrible pun) about this sort of thing, but if dh farts in my presence it makes it more difficult for me to see him as a sexually enticing prospect (as does surreptitious nose picking)

I read a few weeks ago (in the Metro - a london freebie paper), that men actually fart more than women - something to do with their biological makeup. You could always keep a can of air freshner to hand after the deed was done - at least it would mask the smell.

It isn't the fact that my DP farts that irrtates me, (though heaven knows, it's pretty bad) it's the fact that he makes such a three act performance about it, making sure I'm within earshot, encouraging DS to laugh etc. Does that sound familiar? Grown women just don't want to live with teenage boys, and she probably gets enough of it at work...but she does sound as if she has her own High Maintenance areas.

I repeat, everyone farts. She must just do it on the toilet as she deficates. Production of gases is a byproduct of the millions of bacteria that we all have in our guts. She may well fart less than you, she may time them in a sociable way, but fart she does.

Go to

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&dopt=Abstract&list_uids=91285555

for a scientific study on this if you don't believe me!

Did you see the episode of SITC where Carrie farts for the first time in front of a man?

I very rarely fart except (as hmb says) before "defecating". It just doesn't seem to build up so your wife could well be the same. Just be polite and do yours out of earshot/smell range (ideally bathroom, then use air freshener).

As far as the morning goes, unless she does significantly more than you in the evenings/weekends I'd say it seems a bit unequal. And if she wants to get up at 6.20 then she could at least have the decency to be reasonably quiet. Fwiw, I get 4 children (ages 7 down to 2) breakfasted, 2 packed lunches done, and 2 children changed out of pjs between waking (7.20am, 7.30 at a push) and leaving the house at 8.30 (and have done since no.4 was born, although an early feed at 6.45/7am ish was added on to the routine up until about 9 months).

You could probably get your ds to sleep through the night if you were prepared to do controlled crying or controlled comforting - 9 or 10 months is a good age to do it.

I don't understand the arguing over the getting up time

DH gets up every single morning at 4.30am and wakes me upevery day! He is not quiet by any means - he walks in his shoes in the hallway which is solid floorboards and then slams the front door! It doesn't bother me that he wakes me, in fact makes me feel smug in that I can turn over and go back to sleep for another couple of hours

I get up at 6.30am every morning - and leave the house at 8.30am. I like to have a coffee on my own before the 3 monsters shatter the peace. I have to say I HATE rushing in the morning and would rather get up that bit earlier rather than fly around the house.

Definately agree with more time away as a couple - or even just spending more time alone in general.

Remembering back when I just had the one baby, I think I was quite wrapped in the whole "baby" thing and needed to be reminded by DH to have some time on our own.

GS - if she wakes at 5.30, could she not get up then, and very quietly go and do the lunches /get stuff ready/make breakfast before having her shower and making noise that wakes you up? Or could you not do lunches/get stuff ready the night before, then if she does want to get up early she can relax with a cup of coffee before waking everyone else. But be prepared to negotiate - if she takes on more in the mornings can you do something to make her life better in the evenings, or do the middle of the night shifts sometimes?

I would stop expecting any affection - that will come when you both stop being so annoyed with each other that the small stuff liek being tidy can cause shouting rows. And find out if she actually wants to make an effort to save your realtionship - from your side of the story it doesn't sound like it TBH

GS - From your posts the whole relationship sounds one-sided. You list the things you are trying to stop (swearing, violence, smoking, even farting!) but there is no mention of your dw making similar efforts. Is she actually making changes too or is it a case of you just having to fit in with her ideals? If dw goes to bed at 9.30pm, when do you actually get to spend time together as a couple? I could be wrong but I get the impression that the early bedtime could be her way of avoiding the issue of sex. Suggest going to bed at the same time as she do es and see what her reaction is. Finally, you really do sound generally down and depressed. I suppose you really need to ask yourself whether this relationship is worth saving.

Have you tries writing this down and seeing if things are REALLY that bad? Does she know that you think she is a bit prissy (re farting and masturbating?) I do moan at dh for farting, but it more of a respect thing. I accept that it normal and healthy to fart, and I sure do do it myself Of course, mine smell of roses, so no problems there

Sorry, not trying to trivialise your problems. It just sounds as if you are incompatible, and I am sure that this has not always been the case. Have a good think, and I'm sure that you will realise that the change in your relationship may have started around the time of the birth of your child. Dh and I have sex 'problems', as we have vasty different libidoes, but it was definitely easier for me to get him in the mood when there was no child around IYKWIM.

It's pretty rare i say this, but i'd give up stopping smoking for now, if i were you! If you keep failing at it, it means you're not ready yet and it's only going to make both of you depressed that you fail. i'm assuming you smoke away from her and ds (if not, you should) - there's your farting opportunity too!

You're much more like to receive affection by giving it first, than by yelling about it. Even if you don't feel like it, make the effort to do the quick kisses and the fleeting touches and the 'thank-you's.

I actually think you ain't doing too bad. Baby steps is a better way to build a relationship again. Don't set yourself too high targets all at once.

Hi Greensanta,
I often wake very early, and can't go back to sleep. I know that if I got up and started pottering about it would really bug DH, who isn't really a morning person.
So if I'm really bored just lying there, I usually try to start a little hanky panky, somehow he does not seem to mind, being woken up this way !!!!
This usually leaves me free to get up and potter about while he happily falls back to sleep.
I think it's all down to MAN management !!!

I suspect GreenSanta's response to that will be "if only ..."

How very sad this is. Somehow a diary is so much more real and raw. Hope you two can work things out. GK xxx

Greensanta,

So how our things at the moment?

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GS - I missed this thread. What IS the big deal about the farting?? I know I fart just as much as DH.

Coddy - I know you have 3 kids but PLEEEEASE don't belittle people who feel knackered and only have one. It IS tiring, especially when they don't sleep whether you have one or one hundred! No sleep is no sleep, and coming from someone with only one child that has never slept a full night, believe me!
You only have to read the threads in the sleep section to see that.

GS - Do you think it is possible that you 2 can have a civil discussion without it ending in shouting, swearing, throwing things and tears? That would be a good start. Neither of you is going to make a genuine and prolonged effort if you feel you have been backed into a corner and forced to change. Especially the smoking thing..... only YOU can give that up. I have tried giving DH ultimatums, but at the end of the day just coz I'm ready to give up it doesn't mean he is. Hang in there!

Oops - Posts crossed!

If things get better when she stops work, could it be that she is hugely stressed at work or completely miserable about her job??

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Green Santa it sounds like things will chill out for a bit now, so have a fantastic christmas, you old romantic, rosey night shirts, bless

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GS

Sorry the situation has got so bad. If she is going part time next year then there is yet hope that things may improve. Perhaps this is an opportunity to show each other a little more consideration - take it in turns to have lie-ins, take ds out so she can read or pamper herself and see what happens. Hope you can enjoy your first Christmas with ds anyway.

Flumps ? Are those the fluffy pompom characters or have I missed something !

GS, I hate to say this but why are you buying thermal pink pyjamas? How's that going to spice up your life

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LIZS - I think he's talking about the pink, white and yellow marshmallow type sweets you can buy.

Hey GS - I thought I was being very understanding!