am I a selfish pig?

[s0fedup]

Morning all
just a quickie to get a bit of perspective...
I am getting worn down with all the shitty arguments and would like your opinions please...

Last night, H and me head upstairs to bed. Bedside lights on, pootling around he ends up in bed first. I lift our son on the loo and see all lights off.
so when I go in room I turn it back on. I am still fully dressed ffs!
I get in bed, pick up my book to read a page before sleep, he does a HUGE rant about how swlfish I am. which ends in him saying aggressivly I am a "selfish pig"

i told him to never speak to mr like that again.
We go to sleep, me seething.

fast forward to morning and he asks if I am going to appologise?

No!
Now we are not speaking, its my ds birthday, all family coming over...

total shit :(

Happy Birthday! No you're not being selfish. It sounds like he is being incredibly childish though. Hope you manage to enjoy your day.

Both draw a line under it and move on. Just a silly squabble. It's your sons birthday!

Maybe it is a bit selfish to turn the light back on, but he is equally selfish for turning it off before you had even got changed. There's certainly no reason for him to call you names over it. Hope you have a good day.

i know, but it comes from a long line of crap. Last row he ripped up a wedding photo and said he wanted to smash my face in. Nice

Don't let something silly spoil your DS's birthday. You both need to let go of this negativity. Put a big smile on and enjoy the day.

Tomorrow you both need to work through what is causing all the bickering.

Well your last post changes things considerably. As a one off, it's silly. As part of an ongoing series of unpleasant threatening behaviour, it's obviously more serious.

Hmm no that doesn't sound good. He sounds really angry at you. How are things normally?

yes, he seems angry alot. with me and the kids. I am forever thinking it would be so much easier on my own with the dcs and not having to worry about him anymore

My ex used to read in bed, quite late, with the light on. I had to get up at 5.30am, and find it impossible to sleep with the light on.

He stays up late, but he started going to bed before me just so he could read in bed with the light on.

I think it is selfish to read in bed when someone else is trying to get to sleep.

Having said that, it does sound like you don't really have much of a relationship any more. Threats are completely unacceptable. If you think life would be better without him, you are probably right.

just had a row, he always makes a sweeping statement about how we dont get on/like/love each other etc then storms off. so bloody bored of it all.

re.the reading in bed, i usually have a little book light and it doesnt wake him. we have been on hol and he was asleep while i read so i tjought it would be ok. I said it was fine to be pissed off, but what happened to just asking in a polite way to turn it off? why the agression all yhe sodding time!?

Absolutely, the aggression is totally unnecessary.

Is there any reason you are still together?

Just saw the bit about ripped up wedding photo, etc...your H seems v aggressive. This is definitely beyond silly. It seems as if every little thing is a point of conflict.

Hope your DS has a good day, even if yours is through gritted teeth.

he has just annonced (after the "we dont like each other comment) that things would be better if I was like i used to be.
I used to be fun, now I am boring. I dont ever think of things to do/places to go/etc.
So all my fault again, because I am happy to spend the afternoon in the park.
(what a boring cow I am)

I think your relationship sounds pretty terrible tbh. If the only time he communicates is to either criticise you, be aggressive and abusive then there's clearly no affection, just hostility and unpleasantness. A marriage is meant to be an equal partnership of two people that love and care about each other. Home shouldn't be a place where you get insulted.

I would also spend the afternoon in the park... probably while I was working out how to get him out of my life

Your partner sounds very like my ex. In other words it's impossible to get it right, and he often used to pick a fight as he was in that sort of mood.

It took a long time for me to detach and realise it wasn't me, and I had some right to courtesy , adult behaviour etc etc.

Does he have good features? Are you able to say things to him like"you're no fun any more" without fear of a big flare up?

we do have good times but it aleays seems out of the home enviroment... as soon as we are home we bicker. I dont want to split our family but I am not sure we are on the same page.
We want differemt things in life. I want a bigger family and he doesnt want anyore.
I would be happy to go interest only on our morgage to free up some cash for holiday/car/me to work a bit less etc he wants to pay as much as poss so pay the mortgage off as early as poss
i like all the family over he likes it quiet...

I do think that it is only fair not to be insulted and shouted at if you just want to get your clothes off and go to bed. My strategy was always just to go off and do stuff with the kids and leave him at home when he was moody.

I don't advocate splitting up a family, but I have been happier without daily unreasonable behaviour. Sounds like you have a chance to sit down and explain how you're feeling, before it becomes too much of a pattern.

There is a selfish pig in the relationship but it's not you!

He "said he wanted to smash my face in."
Wow. That statement right there is a huge thing. If a stranger in the street talked to you like that, what would you think/do?

Has he ever threatened you before? How long before he starts talking to your children like that?

I think this goes way beyond the 'same page' and not in a good way. Men that put on a good show in public but are nasty behind closed doors are well-known phenomena. And if he knows you're reluctant to split the family then he has no incentive to behave any differently.... you've trapped yourself voluntarily. When on earth would you want to have more children with a man who threatens to smash your face in and clearly doesn't like you any more?

that things would be better if I was like i used to be

The nerve of the man. Tell him you can't be that person because you live with an emotionally abusive arse of a man. You can't be a happy person if you're being dragged down.

I'd be worried that things might be escalating if he's starting to rip up keepsakes and threatens you. The next step seems to be a slap or a punch.

he does havr a temper. And he does shout at the children sometimes. but he is also a good dad and he works hard. It just always seems about him

Good dads do not threaten their child's mother with violence.

you are right. I told him this morning that I will not stand for him speaking to mr like I am nothing. It came back down to me being a selfish person about the light. I had said I will not do it again. He said "sorry for using the words i did" but he will do it again