am I a selfish pig?

[s0fedup]

Morning all
just a quickie to get a bit of perspective...
I am getting worn down with all the shitty arguments and would like your opinions please...

Last night, H and me head upstairs to bed. Bedside lights on, pootling around he ends up in bed first. I lift our son on the loo and see all lights off.
so when I go in room I turn it back on. I am still fully dressed ffs!
I get in bed, pick up my book to read a page before sleep, he does a HUGE rant about how swlfish I am. which ends in him saying aggressivly I am a "selfish pig"

i told him to never speak to mr like that again.
We go to sleep, me seething.

fast forward to morning and he asks if I am going to appologise?

No!
Now we are not speaking, its my ds birthday, all family coming over...

total shit :(

thanks so much Susie x

You both need to GROW UP!

thanks E320 really helpful

if anyone is still around I am not sure how to move forward? He came down this morning acting totally normal??
I have been civil, thats all

Nothing wrong with everyone being civil as long as it isn't fake. Two things you can do at this stage. First is to be very conscious of your own behaviour, judging whether you are genuinely being yourself & saying what you think or if you are holding anything back because you fear a repeat performance. Might help you understand the dynamic better, see what's really going on. The second is to decide on a strategy should he pick another fight. You described some of his most common tactics up thread and said you didn't know why you reacted the way you did. Now's the time to think about your reactions in advance, change them around, and not keep playing out the same patterns.

brilliant advise cog, thanku.
I am sure he will try to pretend it all didnt happen, thats the usual pattern. I usually go along with it, its easier than another row...
I am not going to this time.
Probably heading to my mums for a couple of days next week, maybe I should suggest we spend the time deciding what we want to do with our lives...

You're welcome :) and you sound like you don't actually need any advice tbh. The lamp incident & the 'selfish pig' remark obviously hit a deep nerve and I don't think you'll have much trouble now that you've decided to tell him his future. Good luck and enjoy your trip.

thanks x

he has just taken ds to park on his bike, and surprise surprise he has arrived home with a face like thunder and a crying child.
I am not having tgis bullying anymore.
I know he will get angry at me if I say anything to question him (he thinks I am too soft)

Perfect time to test the water, I'd say. Question away, let him get angry, and don't back down

really? i am nervous...
what should I say?

"What happened? Why have you got a face like thunder and why is DC crying?" is probably a good opener.

oh already done that! he stotmed in sat dc in timeout and explained in great detail about how he had been riding his bike (with stabalisers) then he suggested taking one off on the way home and
dc freaked out and 'deliberatly' rode it wrong and had a tantrum.
Its the agression that I hate.

Did you tell him he was overreacting?

he stormed off and took it out on the lawn mower(no complaints there!!)

Oh op he sounds so much like my exH, it's always someone's else's fault, and always so aggressive when asked to explain the situation/problem, and your apprehension/nervousness when dealing with it, so so much like my marriage was, they know that the aggressive behaviour stops them havin to take responsibility for their immature nasty behaviour, and the constant state of irritation that they seem to be in is exhausting to live with IMO

susie it seems like I am making something out of nothing. Its really hard to pinpoint the bad things when there are good tgings too. I fantasise about living on my own with the kids. How I would spend what ever i wanted, let the kids stay up past 7 if i fancied. Its all a bit sad really.
Can I ask what you did?

We divorced, after years of putting up with his behaviour I'd had enough, I've been on my own with the dc for nearly two years and we are doing fine, better than fine actually I am doing great lovin being my own person and not havin to tread on eggshells all the time and the dc are thriving now they aren't living in such horrible atmosphere, it wasn't easy and I tried for years to make it work hoping he would change or calm down but he's now in his mid forties and he's still the same, even his new partner has mentioned his temper on Facebook several times

thanks for sharing susie. I need to seriously think what I want, and whats best for my dc x

Seriously it sounds like getting rid of him would be the best thing. He's a bully and it;s awful for children to grow up with a bully in the house.