am I a selfish pig?

[s0fedup]

Morning all
just a quickie to get a bit of perspective...
I am getting worn down with all the shitty arguments and would like your opinions please...

Last night, H and me head upstairs to bed. Bedside lights on, pootling around he ends up in bed first. I lift our son on the loo and see all lights off.
so when I go in room I turn it back on. I am still fully dressed ffs!
I get in bed, pick up my book to read a page before sleep, he does a HUGE rant about how swlfish I am. which ends in him saying aggressivly I am a "selfish pig"

i told him to never speak to mr like that again.
We go to sleep, me seething.

fast forward to morning and he asks if I am going to appologise?

No!
Now we are not speaking, its my ds birthday, all family coming over...

total shit :(

So you only got an apology from him by apologising for something that wasn't wrong in the first place? Can you see how that puts you in an extremely weak position?

My ex h sounds very similar, right down to feeling entitled to insult you over something so minor. I was not then selfish, nor have I ever been, but that was the one that he always pulled out as justification for being a complete wanker, and, being a nice person I turned myself inside out over the years trying to 'prove' myself to him.

It never worked, I was always 'selfish', as he was an abusive cunt, as is your H.

A decent man would never, ever threaten to hurt you. Ever. An abuser would though, then would blame it on you.

You are not the problem here, he is. You will never get him to change or be reasonable. This is what he is. Your choices are accept it or tell him to gtfo.

I seriously advise the latter. I am now blissfully happy with an amazing man, and I understand the difference between a healthy one and an abusive one.

Read the Lundy Bancroft book, it will open your eyes.

Have you got a lamp for each side of the bed? Don't understand why the big main light needs to be turned on, but your Dh should of said sorry for name calling. Hope the birthday goes ok.

It's possible he engineered the whole situation just because he was spoiling for a fight: You both head up to bed at the same time, only he gets in before you because you're doing ALL the necessary locking up, sorting out DC, and he just has to get himself ready... And YOU'RE the selfish one??

So rather than saying something like 'Thanks for locking up and getting DS to the loo. Would you mind switching the light off I'm just dropping off.', he gets aggressive? Having ripped up your wedding album and threatened you with violence, he only apologises if you apologise for being selfish? WTAF?

And his excuse for all this is that you're no fun anymore? Words fail me on that one.

Ask yourself if it's a coincidence that he's started a fight out of thin air just before the whole family arrives. Is he the genial host today whilst you're a bit off-colour after tearing you down last night. Or is he using last night as an excuse for getting out of preparation/socialising? Does he hate anyone else being the centre of attention?

Ah op apologies have now read all of your thread and it's about far more than a light, your Dh behaviour sounds obstructive and disrespectful, do you feel able to discuss these issues with him? Or does he get nasty?

The threatening to smash your face in is completely unacceptable.

unfortunatly it aleays ends in a row and i usually try to sort it as i hate the atmosphere with the kids

I think he's using his temper to bully you and get his own way. I am unnerved by him tearing up your wedding pic, don't know why but I find that a bit sinister. As for threatening to smash your face in, well that says it all. He is being abusive. He is not a good dad. His moods effect dc as well. Abusive men are often perfect fathers/husbands in public so don't be fooled by that. Everything being different in the privacy of the home is typical of abuse.

If 'sort it' means you always end up caving to keep the peace then he'll always get his own way. I agree with neuroticmumof3's remark about the wedding photo incident being sinister and would encourage you, next time there is a contentious situation that you stand your ground, demand an apology and don't back down. Don't worry about 'atmosphere'. The reason he only picks on you at home is that he knows you don't like the children hearing you argue. He won't back down to save their feelings....

Completely agree with cog and neurotic
Do you feel able to stand your ground op?

the funny thing is i do really try to stand up as I am quite fiesty! but it always seems to end up turning around and me appologising? either that or I end up getting hysterical with anger. He will often just end the conversation so i i will be following him around?

Some people like your husband get their own way and keep control by manipulating their partner. They alternate nice behaviour with flashes of extremely unreasonable behaviour to keep you on the back foot, careful what you say. They'll clam up so that you'll be frustrated and seem to be the unreasonable one. They deliberately provoke arguments knowing you'll back down and give in. Being nice in public is par for the course because they know others would find their behaviour alarming. I always fight shy of the term 'emotional abuse' because it seems extreme. But a lot of women are subjected to an insidious type of bullying, exploiting their weaknesses and gradually chipping away at their confidence - it's very common.

Already you don't quite know how you already end up apologising and you're asking on a website 'am a I selfish pig?'.. when clearly you're not the one acting unreasonably. He's got you very confused about what's normal.

I think you are right cog. I told him this morning that I would tell our families about the selfish pig comment, and I asked what he thought they would think? he said they would agree with him.
Unfortunatly I dont want to admit it to my family

do you have supportive family or RL friends you can confide in? problem is that if you can't confide in anyone you are going to end up believing all his unpleasant insults

That's another weakness he'll exploit... your pride. None of us, least of all the feisty type, like to admit we made a mistake & married a shit. :) There's always the fear that someone will give us the 'I told you so' treatment or we'll look like fools in front of the family. However, since he's cultivating this nice guy image outside the home, I think it's worth taking someone into your confidence and letting them tell you if you're being unreasonable.

my best friend knows as we have spoken before. In fact after the photo ripping incident we talked at length about it all. She thinks he is controlling.
I will talk with her this week

Sorry, this man is abusive and a bully and he is going to escalate. The threats and the destruction of photos are a step beyond normal. The next thing will be 'accidentally' hurting you; stepping on your feet, shutting doors/drawers on your fingers, tripping you up or bumping into you. Then the pushing and shoving and slapping will start.
You don't have to live like this, your children don't have to live like this, and if this realisation leads to a 'broken' family then he broke it with his aggressive bullying behaviour.

Please don't feel ashamed to admit he says things like that to you. It's not for you to be ashamed- the worst thing about this kind of behaviour is the isolation of putting on a show. Please do tell as many as you can feel comfortable with. It reflects on him not you.

does it always escalate? does it ever just stay like this?
he really seemed to listen to what I had said after the photo ripping row. He was really being nice and maki g a massive effort with the kids, but it always seems to creep back to crappy normality.
On a positive note it was fab seeing my family today. He was fine, apart from spending 2 hours on his laptop when we were all talking. I always say that is rude he doesnt agree

That is completely rude. It's the kind of thing a teenager would do.

It's your son's birthday, you have guests over. He doesn't need to be on his laptop he needs to be entertaining his guests like an adult.

It is plainly downright rude to focus on a laptop while you have real actual people as guests. Simple as.

He will make an effort after crossing the line in such a way (ripping the photos), but do you really have any confidence he won't repeat the behaviour or do worse? That's what they do, abusers, switch between nice and nasty, and explain how your behaviour made them do what they did.

Oh really?

It doesn't always escalate, but neither are things likely to improve. If his controlling antics are working for him and there's no downside to his behaviour, he has no incentive to change.

i am absolutly shattered tonight. Waved the fam off at 8 and came straight up to bed.
We have been civil today but no actual conversations. I realise the company of my family is far superior, they live 2 hours away though so i dont see alot of them.
I am off to sleep and hopefully wake up with some idea of where to go next...
thanks so much for listening xxx

I am feeling really sad this morning. He is in bed I got up with dc and I have a heavy heart...

Hi op I can't stay long I'm off to work now but just wanted to say hi, have a reread of this thread you've had some really good advice, time to put what you want at the top of the list!! You have a voice in this relationship and you are entitled to be heard. Got to go catch up later x