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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ffs. not done this.before. help me, i feel sick

60 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 22/08/2012 00:48

Just wrote a huge essay and lost it.
Havent got the emotional.energy to relive it again in one go.

Long story short is I was emotioanlly bullied.by exh 5 years agi, and cannot get over it. Him and his father keep doing it to this day, thinking they are fumny.

But of course, they are oh so nice, they couldnt ever be nasty to the outside world.

I cant keep.crying myself to sleep every night.

I have a new dh and ds who I love dearly, but my scars are too deep.

I want exh to die. Or me. I cant do this, I need to be free.

I dont want to.be fat any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 22/08/2012 00:50

I had fucking plastic surgery for that bastard, I smoked 40 a day and didnt eat for 6 months. I went from size 12 to size 6 ffs, and I HAD JUST HAD A BABY. I was 20. It still wasnt good enough.

Im not good enough. Not now Ive got fat again and they wont let me forget it.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 22/08/2012 00:50

In what way do they keep doing this, your xh and his father? Why do you still have any dealings with them? Do you have dc's together?

You sound so sad.Sad

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 22/08/2012 00:52

Yes we had a dd. He left a few days before xmas when she was 12m old.

For his skinny girlfriend who he is still blissfully happy with.

I see them all the time as dd has an excellent relationship with the whole family and who.am I to fuck that up.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 22/08/2012 00:52

Tell the bastards that people put on weight when they're happy in a relationship.( This is statistically true.)
And that you could never be happy in a relationship with a man with a very small penis. Made you so unhappy you lost your appetite.

Only4theOlympics · 22/08/2012 00:54

How come they are still in your life enough to make you feel this way?

If you have DC together I suggest a different method of contact arrangements to one where you do not have to see them. i.e via family, friends, a contact centre etc.

You do not have to live like this. You do not have to put up with this!

chipmonkey · 22/08/2012 00:54

But look at his skinny girlfriend.
She probably has no choice but to be skinny. He would make her life hell if she gained weight. He may be blissfully happy but these bastards don't change. SHE is not happy. Be thankful you're not her.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 22/08/2012 00:56

Chip I cant. He would just laugh. He has this.....way. He isnt affected by anything. He ia so so so arrogant he thinks he is god. He is stunningly handsome and has women falling at his feet and he knows it.

He has.money too. Money to burn.

He.bullied me.so.much. i HATE him. I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him.

My dh is lying asleep beside me unaware of the fact I cry every night. He is a wonderful man. But he cant make me better.

OP posts:
Only4theOlympics · 22/08/2012 00:58

xpost. Do you have an amicable relationship with any of his family? Maybe you could meet that person and that person only for handover.

You do have to allow him a relationship with your daughter but you no longer have to have any kind of relationship yourself. OK in an ideal world you would all get on brillliantly. But it is not, and you don't. It is not doing your DC any good to have a mother who feels this bad so stepping away is the best thing.

Incidentally a size 12 is not fat!

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 22/08/2012 00:59

I cant arrange contact other ways. I jave a self distruct button. I want to prove Im doing fine, better than him. I try and look good, he.just knocks me straight back.down.

Ffs, yesterday he.made a joke in front of his parents about me not ironing our dds clothes when I packed for her holiday. Anyone else would think what a twat, I went home and bawled. Why cant I get over this? Why why why do I care so much about what they think?

OP posts:
Only4theOlympics · 22/08/2012 01:02

When I was younger there was a guy who thought he was the most stunning man around, he had women dropping at his feet.

10 years later - Fat, Bald and ugly!!!!!!!!

Looks dont last. Looks and money mean naff all, they can make life easier but they cant make it happy.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 22/08/2012 01:03

Dd has no idea. I only cry at night. To the outside world we all get on brilliantly. The venom goes on quietly, between him and his father, and me. Incedently, his gf is nice. Just skinny.

They lovingly bought me fudge back from the.coast last week. It was handed to me with a glance at my backside and a 'add that to the bulk' comment. Yeah fucking hilarious you nasty cunt.

But other times they are lovely and tell me how much they love me (ex in laws).

Ex H is always a prick. Its like a competition, anything we do he has to have done better.and bigger.

OP posts:
Dryjuice25 · 22/08/2012 01:04

Not very clear picture of what precise issues you need help with op.

....and i wouldn't say size 12 is fat at all even without giving birth. Sounds like you are being bullied. Is there any way you can avoid physical /virtual contact with these lowlifes?

Only4theOlympics · 22/08/2012 01:05

Because you have self esteem issues. They are nothing to you now. You dont have to prove anything to them. You can find another way to arrange contace. you can drop at front door, hand over, and walk away. No law says you have to stick around to chat.

Only4theOlympics · 22/08/2012 01:08

I want a sign I can hand to various mnetters -

DANGER - DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THE PRICK

(So many ways that sign could be taken, so many many uses for it around here)

CuriousMama · 22/08/2012 01:08

People only have the power to hurt you if you let them.

The ironing remark is a dig. How happy is he exactly when the only way he gets his kicks is putting other people down? Can you be sure he isn't the same with his current partner?

This may sound silly and very woo but it works. I've told total anti-woo friends to try it and they said it works too, even if it's psychological who cares? What you do, is next time you're meeting him in your mind's eye put a bubble around yourself. On the outside of this bubble make it mirrored. Keep the image in your mind all the time you're in his presence. Just smirk like the Mona Lisa when he comments. Expect the comments. Even try to pre-judge them. What will he come up with next? Take away his power over you. He may get angry but then he's showing himself up. In fact anyone who can't see how he truly is must be very very blinkered. Anyway that's a tool for you to use if you feel like it? Just concentrating on the bubble can distract you from the pain.

CuriousMama · 22/08/2012 01:10

Oh and the mirrored bit reflects his thoughts etc.. back to him.

Dryjuice25 · 22/08/2012 01:15

#got the picture now op. The trick is how you move on to nott caring what this nasty juvenile duo think, easier said than done I know, but not impossible

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 22/08/2012 01:18

I know he is great with his gf. She is quiet, sweet, thin, relaxed. Everything I wasnt.

I fell hook line and sinker into his family environment, and cant escape.

I am fat. Im getting bigger and bigger. I want to cut it all off me. If I was slim then he couldnt hurt me any more. I know he couldnt, and nor could anyone else.

OP posts:
Only4theOlympics · 22/08/2012 01:29

Darling you really need to seek some help with your self esteem issues. It really isn't about fat/thin. you need to make a concerted effort to get away from him and his family. There is absolutely no reason for you to be involved with them.

You, DH and DC are your family. You do not need these people.

bogeyface · 22/08/2012 01:30

If you were slim then they would find something else to pick on you about.

This isnt about your size, its about them knowing that you are better than them and trying to cut you down.

bogeyface · 22/08/2012 01:32

You were a size 6 and you werent good enough were you?

This really isnt about YOU. They need to make you (or anyone) feel bad to make themselves feel better, and that is pathetic. I agree that you need counselling to help you see that.

They are sad pathetic people. And his GF is not happy, I guarantee it.

Beckamaw · 22/08/2012 01:35

You lovely girl, this is how eating disorders begin. And none of this is about your weight really.
If you were a size 6 he would just give you shit about something else.
He has made you feel that you are not good enough. It is nothing to do with you. It is because he is an arse.
People who picks holes in others do it TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.

How does your DH make you feel about yourself? Can you not talk to him about any of this? I think you need to talk to someone.

If you would like to talk, please PM me. I would be happy to talk. I keep really unsociable hours as I am BF DD3. And I have a couple of really twatty exes.

monsterchild · 22/08/2012 01:36

I agree with Curious, you're letting him do this. If you were thin it would be something else. He's controlling you because he doesn't have you. You said yourself that between you and DH every looks brill. Well, to you everything he has looks brill, you can't possibly know if it is or not, and you're thinking you "just know" is part of you letting him get to you. You can't possibly know, no one can know unless they are told.

I suggest you tell your DH you are feeling down and you don't want to see exP anymore and can he do transfers? If he is lovely like you say, he will be more than happy to do this for you and for DD. Also, go talk to your GP and see if there isn't help available for you. I have a friend who gets into loops like the one you are in, there is help out there, YOU have to go get it! Your DD deserves that much! So do you!

Like Only said, you don't need him, you need good self-esteem!

Beckamaw · 22/08/2012 01:36

Massive X-post there. See - we both talk sense! Grin

monsterchild · 22/08/2012 01:37

Exactly!