ffs. not done this.before. help me, i feel sick

[monkeyfacegrace]

Just wrote a huge essay and lost it.
Havent got the emotional.energy to relive it again in one go.

Long story short is I was emotioanlly bullied.by exh 5 years agi, and cannot get over it. Him and his father keep doing it to this day, thinking they are fumny.

But of course, they are oh so nice, they couldnt ever be nasty to the outside world.

I cant keep.crying myself to sleep every night.

I have a new dh and ds who I love dearly, but my scars are too deep.

I want exh to die. Or me. I cant do this, I need to be free.

I dont want to.be fat any more.

monkeyfacegrace - being thin is not the answer. You did that and he was still a nasty cunt to you. And he knows that he's upsetting you - he'd getting a kick out of it (fuck knows why, probably because he's a nasty cunt).

If you lost weight down to a size 4, he'd STILL find something nasty to say to you - because he's a nasty cunt and he knows it will hurt you. He knows he has power over you.

So - sod the weight issue, it's the tip of a very big iceberg which is how you are allowing this man to dictate your feelings about yourself.
He is a maggot. You need some help - either by books or professionals - to get you to see that his opinion is IRRELEVANT because he is a maggot whose opinion doesn't matter to you in the slightest. Squish the maggot! that's all he is, a fecking maggot! a nasty cunting maggot.

His skinny GF is not your issue. She may or may not be happy, that's also irrelevant. What IS your issue is that you are accepting the nasty cunting maggot's opinion of you - just reject it! You don't even need to tell him that you're rejecting it - just do it. Every time you look at him, don't see his outward appearance - see his nasty black maggoty heart instead, spewing forth its vileness - and think "I am better than that"; "I am a wonderful person and my DH loves me"; "I have a happy life now without you, maggoty cunt" and other useful phrases. Build up your own self-esteem/confidence and you will both find that his words become meaningless as you reject them.

Me three!

I agree that asking your lovely DH to do handovers would be good, and only communicate via text or email with your ex, so anything he says is down in black and white. That way, you can show them to your DH, your counsellor (that I urge you to get) and even the police.

Monkey - I want to (sympathetically) tell you to pull yourself together:

Only very shallow people judge others on their appearance - stop buying into this superficial and unintelligent attitude.

BYour ex is an ex for a reason - he is a twat. That's why you got rid. So why would you listen to him, or give his twattish comments any head space at all?

As others have said - you do not need to actually talk, let alone listen to anything he has to say - just walk away immediately after handing Dc over. Make arrangements vis text/email. CUT OFF physical contact so that you can more easily CUT OFF all emotional connection. As for ex's father - wtaf? What has he actually got anything to do with?

If I were your DH I'd be seriously pissed off that you were still so affected by your ex - imagine if it were the other way around. How would you feel if your DH was upset every time he saw his ex?

STOP comparing yourself to your ex and his gf. Who knows perhaps she is the happiest person alive [seriously doubt it with twat as partner] - but who fucking cares anyway? Just live your own life and let others get on with theirs.

if you are still really haunted by anger about your previous rl then perhaps some counselling could help you move on.

how about every time they make a snide comment to you, you reply,

"that's nice dear" in one of those, you silly twat patronising tones. it might help you to not take anything they say seriously.

I know people like that. Others have said it, but it's worth repeating: this has got nothing to do with you. He's putting you down to raise himself up. He picks on weight because it's an obvious target (obviously not a fella of great imagination or wit) and because he sees it hits home.

You say that he's always trying to go one better than you, make out that he's got a bigger, blacker dog. Is that the behaviour of a man who's happy and secure with who he is? Would someone who's strong and stable on the inside need to make himself look big by diminishing someone else - especially when that person's the mother of his child, ffs? The fact that his dad is so conspicuous in this suggests that he's got daddy issues and is desperately trying to prove himself in a pretty pathetic, schoolboy way.

He's like one of those funny perspective photos people take in Egypt where it looks as if they're holding the pyramids on the palm of their hand - he's setting the perspective so that you look small and he looks big, and it's funny because the opposite is true.

Sorry to ramble, but I hate this sort of thing. We're all insecure and frightened (except the psychopaths) but only an absolute cock deals with it like this. Next time he does it, look for the scared little boy showing off to try to gain daddy's approval, and pity him. Pity your daughter a little, too, for having such a weak father.

Oh, and size 12 is not fat, it's the smaller side of average. And it's certainly not unattractive, unlike skin 'n' bone. I say that as a man who is, ah...a great admirer of the female form. /rubs thighs lasciviously

Thank you all so much.

Maggoty cunt made me smile. Thats now what he is called in my phone

I fell asleep crying last night, sorry to just dissapear.

My lovely DH came home from work yest with a huge Millies Cookie (on of those £15 cake sized ones!) with piped 'my gorgeous wife' icing. He ordered it just because he loves me. I ate most of it, then cried becasue it would have made me fatter, and the evil exh would slay me and laugh

I need real help dont I

Do you think this is really something a person can recover from? Im exhausted from the mental torture over the last 8 years.

It's times like when I read thumbwitch's comment that I wish Mumsnet had a 'like' button!

Listen to her and everyone else monkey - he's NOTHING to you now, see him for what he is!

Oh he's done a right job on you hasn't he? If his life with his girlfriend was so perfect he wouldn't be spending time trying to get at you.

He's predictable, he's boring, his family are quite frankly ridiculous and you need to find a way to stop giving this arse any head space

Yes I think you can recover. I think you need some help though. Speak to your doctor.

I seriously suspect that you are not overweight. However, if you are, you need to speak to dh and explain that you don't feel good about yourself and you think losing a bit of weight would help with that. Then ask for his support.

I don't normally agree with bmi watching bit in this situation you can let that be your guide as it is more objective than how you feel about yourself. If you are in the healthy range you know you are not fat and that it is purely your self esteem you need to work on. If it is high maybe you culd work out a HEALTHY diet and get dhs support.

You poor thing.
I really think you need to step back from his family. They are clearly passive aggressive and enjoy ripping you to bits. Don't spend time with them.
Its not about weight, at all. Its about them getting a kick out making you feel like shit.

God, he sounds damaged! As do his family. Seriously, OP, they sound cracked - nasty, toxic, slightly mental bullies. I bet other people, friends etc, try to avoid them, or grimace through interactions with them. They will all be far, far more disliked and avoided by the world in general than you think.

And this other girl ISN'T happy, other posters are right. She's just the next victim. You said it yourself, she's nice. The silly little prick gets his kicks from breaking down people who are nice, and honest, and inclined to self-doubt. If he doesn't break her down about her weight it'll be about something else.

Yes, I'm sure you can recover, but don't beat yourself up that you haven't. Eight years is a big chunk of time to have been in such a horrible position. The first step is counselling and the next step is withdraw from them, perhaps with the counsellor's help on how to do it. Part of the reason it's taking you a while to process everything is because they are keeping you there in your old victim role.

You are not with this man. You have moved on, and have a relationship with your husband, the one who loves you, the one who brought you a cookie.

Stop giving the tiniest shit to what some EX thinks or says. If you were still single while he had moved on to the new gf, your pain would be understandable, but you have moved on too, and are with someone you loved enough to marry, and who loved you enough to want to marry you.

You will always have a link to your ex via your child, but that is it.. nothing more.

Even if he was falling at your feet, smothering you in compliments, would it make any difference to your life? because it shouldnt.

He is occupying far, far too much of your brain space. He doesn't deserve this amount of your attention. As others have said, if it wasn't about your size, it would be, AND IS, about other stuff - EG IRONING.

I really strongly suggest you seek out some counselling for yourself. Speak to your GP as a first line. If the first GP doesn't refer you appropriately, go back and speak to another.

Others are correct in that he is making you feel bad because you let him. But, you can learn how to deal with this, you can learn to feel better about yourself.

Speak to your husband too. He sounds lovely.

You can definitely recover. :)

Question for you: did you have issues about your weight before you got together with the maggoty cunt? (glad you like the name, btw ) This matters, because if you already had those self esteem issues and he just tapped into them, then working on your body image is something you may need to do (and no I don't mean your actual weight, I mean how you view your body and your self-acceptance of it).
If you had no problem with your body before exH, then you need to work more on your own self-belief - accepting yourself for who you are, and taking value from yourself - ignoring any negative input from arses like your ex.

He only has the power that you give him - but the root of that power matters because it will be the root of the "fix".

Your DH sounds absolutely lovely btw, and I agree with whoever said that it would doubtless hurt him to know how much power you're giving your ex over your feelings and wellbeing. Sooooo - cut off the power at source.

CBT counselling may help, assertiveness training might help and I will PM you as well.

I'd lay a giant Millie's cookie against a wafer that he keeps going on about your weight (that he knows you're sensitive about) for the very reason that it keeps you thinking about him. Whenever you eat, whenever you put clothes on, etc etc, you have to think about him. He couldn't stand the idea of not being thought about all the time. That's why he does it. Like school bullies. If they just didn't like you they'd leave you alone, but they keep trying to find out what will upset you and then going on and on about it. School bullies usually grow out of it eventually though...

Note the difference between the ex buying you sweets as a means of putting you down, and your DH buying you sweets to tell you how sweet he thinks you are. Your DH is worthy of being thought about because he cares. Your ex gets thought about instead because he plays insidious mind games. He so, so does not deserve it.

Your husband loves you, your child loves you, and you should love yourself. As for the prick, and Prick Senior, they don't know what love is. Pity them.

But honestly honestly honestly, maggoty cunt IS NOT INSECURE. He has no idea he hurts me, I laugh along, they think we are just all mates and fine.

He and his fuckwitted father have always been mean about big girls, not just me, its just their family thing that girls should be thin Comments towards random strangers should have sent me running a long time ago.

Ive never had confidence issues. But, I was only 18 when this all started, and 19 when I had dd, so this is all Ive known for my adult life. Fighting with my weight.

This is going to sound really bad on my part....but the family are from a scummy area and live in a scummy house. Im from a top area, and a classy family (god that sounds awful,I dont mean it in a judgy way,just an obvious difference between us), there is a VERY obv difference in 'class'. Ugh hate that phrase.

Anyway, ex FIL has come into a lot of money, and its added fuel. Always has something better/newer/buys bigger cars every 5 mins. Typical new money, all tacky and loud.

Jesus what am I rambling on about. Maybe Im jealous and I miss him? Maybe I know deep down I was a shit gf to him.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

So my DH may not be the most handsome man ever, but he is kind, solid, generous, passionate, devoted, and we adore each other. Why do I care so much about the ex family??!

Another thing to think about - as your DD grows up, if your ex is still banging on about size/weight, it's going to affect your DD as well and give her body image issues.
You need to have got yours well under control by then to provide the balance, and to be able to give her the confidence to withstand her father's "joking".

xposted - STOP laughing along with them!!

How can I be jealous?
Im 25 and I own 2 houses (albeit mortgaged to eyeballs!), have a DH, two DC, two brand new cars, endless holidays.....

Am calling DRs today. This isnt right.
MN you are a lifeline.
Things seem clearer this morning.
Though Im sure by this evening I will be tired, reflecting on todays eating, and sobbing again.

Thumb- if I didnt laugh Id cry there and then. And in a twisted way I need to be 'accepted' by them

I agree with what everyone else has already said, but I'm afraid it sounds like you are still emotionally attached to him. I'd be v v upset in your husbands shoes.

You know your head is a bit messed up about these people - so isn't it likely possible that you're just wrong about their insecurities? You said yourself they buy big flash cars every five minutes and the like. What does that usually say about people?

If you were 18 when all this started then I'm not surprised you're a bit messed up TBH. This is the adult life you've always known. They set the parameters of what "a shit girlfriend" was and you, in your youth, accepted it. Been there, done that.

But there just isn't any point in trying to assess your own value as a girlfriend in a relationship which was so fucked up he made you have plastic surgery. It's crazy. He was an emotional abuser. His expectations, his ideas about relationships were warped.

Where are your own parents in all this?

I like that mirror bubble trick! Going to use that with my MIL.

My parents dont know the half of it.
They think he is a bona fide arsehole.
I can NEVER let them know what went on as Im the 'strong loud' one in the family-nothing phases MFG

I know it probably hurts DH but I cant cope with worrying about somebody else, Im too fucked up.
However, he is usually asleep when I cry, and Im always telling him how much I adore him. We have never ever ever slept in seperate beds right from the first night we laid eyes on each other 5 years ago. Hes a keeper, and my rock.

I think the crux of it is that you need to distance yourself from him and his family completely. Your dd must have contact with her father but there is no reason for you to do so. You can drop her at the door "must dash cant stop. Have a lovely day" is all that is required. You HAVE to stop needing his approval because you will never, ever get it.