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Original poster

Sex is not the same since having a child

68 replies

NotInTheMood · 12/03/2006 21:25

My sex life is a complete disaster since having my first child (18mths ago). Im beginning to feel like an old women instead of a young women in her mid twenties.

First of all I have no sex drive and I mean zeltch. I just find it completely impossible to make the first more although I have tried in the hope it would maybe turn me on if I took charge but it doesnt. Dh normally has to make the first move and has to stimilate me before I even feel slightly turned on. But lately even if he does try to touch me down there I completely tense up but have no idea why. After a while I do tend to relax and become aroused.But then whenever me and dh move onto sex its just a complete let down. Sometimes I feel like I could be on the verge of a orgasm and then a slight move of direction etc and it completely dies away. I havent had an orgasm in months through penatrative sex or through any other method well maybe a mild one.

Before ds we had quite a rampant sex life. I would normally always orgasm through sex and quite a few times dh and I would come together. When I was pregnant I had the best sex of my life and sex now just doesnt come anywhere near it.

I just dont know what to do. I just dont feel in the mood for sex. I do try to make the effort depite of this and sometimes I do start to enjoy it but then it always ends up being a big let down and I end up thinking why do I bother. Dh has always been a good lover and even now he gives alot hes tried other things to bring me to orgasm but again i come close but then it all dies away.

Has anyone else experienced this problem since having children? I dont know whether its him, me or us.

OP posts:

starlover · 12/03/2006 21:42

it isn't just you... I feel exactly the same!

strangely enough though, dp has been ill for the last couple of weeks... so hasn't been interested and I think the lack of pressure on me to feel like I ought to want it seems to have made me want it more! iyswim?

i think it's pretty normal though

Original poster

NotInTheMood · 12/03/2006 22:19

Thank god im not the only one. I think does put alot pressure on me or maybe i do it to myself because i know hes highly sexed.

OP posts:

poodles · 12/03/2006 22:20

I found that leaping out of bed with a bib velcroed to my suspender belt but a damper on things a bit.

123abc · 12/03/2006 22:26

the same thing is happening with me ds is 12 months old now and before i had him i had the best sex ever. and now i'm just not in the mood i've forgot what it feels like to have an orgasam its been that long.

starlover · 12/03/2006 22:30

lol poodles!

I think the key is just relaxing. I was thinking about it far too much, and then when it was taken away it made me realise that I wanted it after all

Original poster

NotInTheMood · 12/03/2006 23:14

it is beginning to wind me up. I wish we could get that excitement back but its hard when your body just isnt interested in having sex.

OP posts:

jabberwocky · 13/03/2006 03:03

Isn't there a female viagra type drug out now? I would talk to your doctor. It could be mild PND, hormonal changes...or of course just being worn out from being a mum

yummimummy · 13/03/2006 04:11

Viagra wouldn't help with libido.
I feel the same and in fact had just this discussion with DH last night.
He's upset cos I have become less affectionate with him as I worry that he will assume any affection means a green light for sex.
We worked out that we have a "desire discrepancy". He wants it every 2-3 days ( I'm lucky I guess, some guys want it daily), and I want it every 2 weeks.And we do it weekly.
So we never get to the stage where I actually am dying for it.
Anyway, a recent girls' night out with 6 women ( all with kids)revealed that: 1 never has sex, 1 has sex every week ( me), 2 fortnightly, 1 monthly and 1 poor sod who has 4 kids does it EVERY NIGHT; sometimes twice.
I made the mistake of telling DH about that one and we had to do it twice that week!
It goes with the territory of being a mum I think.
I'm still BFing and think that is contributing.
But I think I'm just too tired and can't be bothered.
I told DH last night that the way I feel about sex currently is the same as if I asked him to get out of bed and go for a jog around the block ( he's quite into jogging but not in the middle of the night) ie he wouldn't feel like doing it, and would rather go to sleep, but might quite enjoy it when he's in the middle of it.
I'd rather have a cup of tea personally.

lazyanna · 13/03/2006 13:03

Is anyone else amazed at how much stuff there is in the "quality" papers about Women rediscovering their libido, enjoying sex, taking young lovers and so on?

Not happening on my planet, and I don't think it is happening for any of my friends - assuming they'd tell the truth.

muma3 · 13/03/2006 13:13

i have the excat same problem. i just cant be bothered. me and dp argue about it but it still doesnt make me want to. i also tense up and just feel so fridgid and dont know why .

have read that it could be a lack of testosterone but i dont think that you can ask gp for it lol

i have 3 kids (8Y 4Y 9M)and i am 23. we have sex about 1 every 4 months !!!!!

if you find a miricle cure that will make me want sex then please please please let me know !!!!!!

Sponge · 13/03/2006 13:26

I feel exactly the same. I would like to want to for his sake but it's rare that I really fell like it rather than just agreeing to go along with it for his sake. When we do do it I do still enjoy it and wonder why I keep putting it off but I never really feel like it and sleep is always a more attractive option.
I also have the problem that we used to have a cuddlee every day in bed but now I worry, like yummimummy that he will misinterpret this as a sign of interest.
I think it goes with the territory for a lot of people.

muma3 · 13/03/2006 14:17

i enjoy it when i give in and get on with it but i just cant bring myself to do "it" just because he wants to or because we argue over it.
as much as i want to make him happy i cant force myself either

rockmama · 13/03/2006 15:38

i am so glad that i stumbled onto this. since baby (7m) i have been not interested AT ALL. like you, notinthemood, i get really tense if he initiates sex. the tense thing is weirdest, cause it feels like being a young girl again. i always try to get out of it, and get all shy and weird. i can't figure it. he feels like i am not attracted to him anymore and keeps saying i'll give him a complex. if i do give in, i do enjoy it, but why is it such a struggle to get there?
i think a lot of it is because i am not comfortable naked like i used to be. i have lost most of baby weight, and feel like i look ok dressed, but naked, oh it's scary! it isn't all where it used to be...

i wonder if it's a psychological thing cause he was there for birth? anyone think that?

muma3 · 13/03/2006 17:03

i dont like dp getting too intimate iykwim. i mean i "LIKE" it but im paraniod that he will freak out if he sees too much
i think that has a lot to do with it but i still cant figure out why i get so stiff and tense even when lights off etc

2Happy · 13/03/2006 17:09

OMG thank goodness other people have found having a baby has given them the libido of a limp lettuce! I thought it was the bf, but a thread a while back on the subject had lots of bfers who said their libido was fine, so I thought it was just me!

leogaela · 14/03/2006 15:56

I'm the same. I had a huge sex drive before DS,also during the pregancy.

I put it down to being tired all the time, it didn't improve when I stopped breastfeeding.

I do make the effort and when we do it I enjoy it, but never as much as i used and not in the same way, I enjoy it about as much as having a cuddle now. If we do it before going ot sleep at night I just want to get it over with as quickly as possible so it doesn't take precious minutes out of my sleep time.

leogaela · 14/03/2006 15:59

muma3, i've just reread and understood your post - I think it has something to do with it, I used ot really like my body before DS, but I'm having a problem accepting the changes that pregancy has made to it.

LucyJu · 14/03/2006 16:20

I'm another in a similar situation.

Right now, I feel as if I couldn't care less if I never had sex again! I love dh dearly and go through the motions once or twice per week. But I spend half my time thinking "get off me!" or "leave me alone, fgs!". I don't want it to be like this. I think poor dh feels very neglected.

I had put it down to bfing, but other replies suggest to me that that isn't the problem. Birth? Had a planned c/s so I don't feel it's related to that, either. I just hope I don't continue feeling like this for too long.

missscarlett · 14/03/2006 19:04

When I had my DS my sex drive definitely went. Before the pregnancy had quite high sex drive & would reach orgasm every time. As soon as ds arrived it just went. I didn't want to do it, and when I did really try to get into it, I'd find some little glimmer and then dp would do something and it would turn me off completely and it would all just disappear. I found it very hard to climax and when I did it was very weak.I really relate to 'I'm just thinking get off' in the earlier post and the stuff about your body changing being contributing factors. I also found it really hard to get from being 'tomorrow-have-to-feed-baby-do-washing-clean-house-pop-to-doctors-go-to-Tesco' to being Big Love Sex Goddess. But as DS got older, something happened and it just slowly came back, and although am definitely not as rampant as pre-children, sex is definitely much better and am much more up for it. Remember, your body particularly, your poor lady bits (not to mention your mind and emotions)go through a lot during pregnancy & birth & looking after a baby. Sex tends to 'ebb and flow' in a relationship, and sometimes it does take a surprisingly long time (esp. after a baby) to get back on track but it will eventually.

lazyanna · 15/03/2006 08:25

My DH apears to have lost his drive - I wasn't bothered for the first couple of years, and I suppose physically I am still "ok" as I am not tempted to help myself, as it has been put in other threads, but it would be nice to think he wanted to.

There is an article in he Metro this morning suggesting that men lose interest after they see their wife give birth - not that DH was there in our case.

Ozzybird · 15/03/2006 10:06

missscarlett, I was relieved to read your message saying that things can eventually improve. My ds is 3.6 & I'm still waiting. Sex is always such a chore & it always used to be great. I'm starting to think I need to see my gp but am not sure what he could do, if anything. Does anyone know if there is anything you can take to improve this situation ?

sachkrimbo · 15/03/2006 10:36

hooray, I'm not the only mum that feels sex is less exciting then a cup of cold custard. My sex drive was huge when pregnant with ds (now 3) and has never improved Now dd is 6 months and I feel like I should try but when it comes to the crunch I'd rather rollover and go to sleep. Dh has stopped trying cause he feels like it's always him and he's presurising me. We have tried to have a 'date nite' but even that has gone out fo the window.

muma3 · 15/03/2006 10:42

i tried that too but there was always something to stop it . and i think that planning sex just puts more pressure on me and i get more tense when thinking "oh my god tonight i have to do IT " then it all goes tits up like you said

geekgrrl · 15/03/2006 10:42

count me in amongst the 'no sex please I'd rather read my book' crew - :( sad huh? I do make the effort a couple of times a week, but it would be lovely to actually really want it. At the moment I feel like I could quite happily never have sex again (of course I have not told dh this). Dh is terribly sensitive about it all and thinks it's a complete reflection of how I feel about him.
Would love to just pop a pill and feel fruity again.

muma3 · 15/03/2006 10:47

so come on who has these magic pills then b/c ill have a whole lorry load

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