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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex is not the same since having a child

68 replies

NotInTheMood · 12/03/2006 21:25

My sex life is a complete disaster since having my first child (18mths ago). Im beginning to feel like an old women instead of a young women in her mid twenties.

First of all I have no sex drive and I mean zeltch. I just find it completely impossible to make the first more although I have tried in the hope it would maybe turn me on if I took charge but it doesnt. Dh normally has to make the first move and has to stimilate me before I even feel slightly turned on. But lately even if he does try to touch me down there I completely tense up but have no idea why. After a while I do tend to relax and become aroused.But then whenever me and dh move onto sex its just a complete let down. Sometimes I feel like I could be on the verge of a orgasm and then a slight move of direction etc and it completely dies away. I havent had an orgasm in months through penatrative sex or through any other method well maybe a mild one.

Before ds we had quite a rampant sex life. I would normally always orgasm through sex and quite a few times dh and I would come together. When I was pregnant I had the best sex of my life and sex now just doesnt come anywhere near it.

I just dont know what to do. I just dont feel in the mood for sex. I do try to make the effort depite of this and sometimes I do start to enjoy it but then it always ends up being a big let down and I end up thinking why do I bother. Dh has always been a good lover and even now he gives alot hes tried other things to bring me to orgasm but again i come close but then it all dies away.

Has anyone else experienced this problem since having children? I dont know whether its him, me or us.

OP posts:
MrsMuddle · 15/03/2006 11:12

I feel exactly the same, but I find a bottle of red wine before bed makes it less of a chore.

sachkrimbo · 15/03/2006 13:31

my god geekgrrl, a couple of times a week!!!! That was pre-kids for me never mind post kids.

Ozzybird · 15/03/2006 17:20

Have been googling this & it seems there is no miracle cure out there for any of us. Trials are being carried out on a testosterone patch but this is not likeley to be released for 'several years'Sad Looks like it'll have to be oysters & pumpkin seeds by the bucket load then !

sachkrimbo · 15/03/2006 20:01

maybe we should be grateful that we've all got great kids and care about ourselves and our dh enough to worry about it. It must be even worse if you just didn't care whether you wanted it or not. Does that sound really soppy? Sorry if it does.Blush

osmmum · 15/03/2006 20:58

Like those of you on here I'm really pleased to find i'm not the only one who feels like this. I have no interest in sex whatsoever. My bed is for sleeping in!! When i had my 1st i thought maybe i didn't want to do it with someone else in the room especially a child, then I was sexually assaulted (nothing major) the 1st time i ever went out by myself after having him so put it down to that.

My sex drive returned a while back, but as soon as i fell pregnant it disappeared again, and i'm back to not wanting it and getting really tense and scared whenever he comes near me.
at the moment I have this fear that he'll think i'm a slapper if i have sex with him?!?!? I don't have a clue why i think that, its not like we've never had sex before, and have 2 amazing little boys to prove it, but its very relieving to know that there are others out there, and i'm not the only person feling this way.
Thanks NOtInTheMood for putting this on here.

osmmum · 15/03/2006 21:01

Just want to add, coes anyone think it may be our subconscious saying "I've got my children, i don't need any more at the moment, so i don't need to have sex"?

alliebaba · 15/03/2006 21:05

I'm with you guys, love him dearly, but can't be arsed. Would rather look at the back of my eyelids.

blondie82 · 15/03/2006 21:52

im the same as lucyju, i wouldnt be bothered if i never had it again......
the more the dp asks for it, the more i dont want it....
if i asks me i have to say no straightaway and roll over......
before dd i was wanting it all the time, at least once a night. Shock

notasheep · 15/03/2006 22:00

I stare at the ceiling and wonder what on earth i am doing-at least it isnt very often.

No interset in Sex dd is 6 ds is 18months

alliebaba · 15/03/2006 22:01

i feel awful, cos i think i should be lusting after him, i do adore him, but would rather read my book and go to sleep. i give in or he sulks

Eve2005 · 15/03/2006 22:05

i've been the same since dd, before preg i was the horny one always looking for sex, now i just can't be bothered. still enjoy it most of the time once we get going (on the rare occasions i don't have a good enough excuse not to bother) but find if he takes too long i lose interest again and start thinking... god i could be sleeping instead!

i still love touchng and cuddling but get tense and defennsive as soon as he gets horny!

alliebaba · 15/03/2006 22:09

me too eve. i wonder why this is.. i don't lust after anyone else..

sachkrimbo · 15/03/2006 22:13

i love the cuddling but tend to fall asleep when I get cosy and that's even less of an incentive to go any further

Eve2005 · 15/03/2006 22:13

i know, from a distance i still find him attractive and even sometimes make the first move, just don't like the thought of actually having to 'do' it! Blush

i think it's because i just don't feel like a sexual being anymore, just a mom and part of me can't understand how he could possibly be attracted to me.

alliebaba · 15/03/2006 22:30

yes, i'm a tub of lard

Eve2005 · 15/03/2006 22:33

9 months preg and fat, one year bf and leaking on him, then preg again.... no matter how horny he is that can't be attractive Sad

lazyanna · 15/03/2006 22:54

I miss it

Eve2005 · 15/03/2006 22:57

ditto lazyanna.... Sad

CaptainDippy · 15/03/2006 23:03

Another one for the "can't be arsed, get off me, bugger off, where's my book" club. I hate it. Wish I could get "in the mood" but I can't - as soon as he comes anywhere near me I just freeze. Can't force myself to do it even. Last had sex at Christmas, before that - when DD2 was concieved (now 10 months) and before that when DD1 was concieved (now 2 yrs) How sad. Sad Soooooo good to read that I'm not the only one. Sex - What's that!!!?

CaptainDippy · 15/03/2006 23:03

I love Dh, but just at a loss.

NotInTheMood · 15/03/2006 23:23

Whats with this freezing thing that some of us are experiencing i cant understand it.It sometimes feels like im being touched for the first time by a complete stranger. Which is awful to think as its my husband. Like you omssmum i also feel that if i give in dh will think im dirty or something.Its like sex has become dirty or seedy. Maybe it is just because one min we are playing the motherly role but then cant switch to the sexy lover role.

OP posts:
Eve2005 · 15/03/2006 23:28

just had a thought.... could it be the opposite, that we're seeing them as someones daddy and it feels creepy, because i never had a problem being touched by strangers pre-dpBlush, but him touching me now seems really dirty and horrid.

Eve2005 · 15/03/2006 23:49

sorry, late at night and i watch too muuch dr. phil Blush

ignore the psycho-babble

leogaela · 16/03/2006 14:01

Eve, you could have a point. I have been quite curious as to whether or not I could feel something with someone else that I don't see changing nappies, doing baby talk etc.. But 100% not interested, my interest is exclusively in dh although.

I miss the feeling as well.

Maybe its because we are all not interested in conceiving at the moment (are we?) so its our hormones shutting down.

Anyone get the sex drive back when trying to concieve a second time or when pregnant asecond time?

sachkrimbo · 16/03/2006 14:22

no, when trying to concieve second time just did it to concieve, and looked forward to my sex drive returning when I got pregnant (during my first pregnancy I wanted sex 24/7). But it has not returned. Dh put high sex drive during my first pregnancy down to us having a boy, he thought the increase in testosterone but I'm not convinced