Can abusive men really ever chamge?

[janflan]

I already have a thread on here called lots of hand holding required please in which I've had some amazing advice and support. In fact without it i doubt I'd have had the courage to call the police.

Am posting quickly will add more info soon but can abusive men ever change? Through therapy and anger management? Does anyone know of anyone who has?

Don't worry I'm not about to get back with my ex i just don't know anyone who ever has.

Very, very rarely

No. Can they heck. It's ingrained. Anger management pah. Bet they manage just fine at work without kicking their friends heads in, calling them a slut, spitting on them, withholding their money.

Anger isn't their problem.

In my experience, NO.

I'm worried once he's done anger management then he'll able to have unsupervised access to our child.

He's doing and saying all the right things at the moment.

No they can't. Their core values tell them it's ok to treat women as a sub-species, and these values guide them in everything they think, do and say. IMO.

No.

What houseofplain said. I've had two abusive exes who were perfectly capable of controlling their behaviour when it suited them. They got off on being abusive and it was a conscious choice that came from a fundamental hatred of women

No.

A few weeks ago, my x said to my mother that he couldn't understand why I'd left him. My mother was slackjawed.

This was the man who attacked me as I escaped, quite literally. I'd asked him if we could split up (yes, asked him!) as he was so controlling and verbally abusive. He was also financially abusive. I could go on for ages here but he expected me to make every sacrifice for parenthood and I could never bend over backwards far enough to accommodate him. If I ever met any of my own needs I was 'selfish'. He once took apart the spare bed with a power drill in the middle of the night to order me back to #his' room. He could rant at me for hours when he was in an angry mood. He criticised me/the house/the kids constantly.

"doing and saying all the right things at the moment"....... yeah they can do that. for a while. ~and then when you've given up your job/had another child/become anaesthetised and sapped of all confidence and energy,,,, then they go back to their true colours.

No. They will always think they are the "Lord and Master" always. As another person has posted, it's ingrained to their very core.

ps, that was over five years ago.... and he 'can't understand'

Lord and master. yeah, that's it.

From my experience. NO,

I am still 11 years latter waiting for the knock on the door from the police as I am sure my Abusive ex will Kill someone.

I have just heard (facebook I have a fake account) that he has got married. The pictue took my breath away, I have one that is identical (without the wedding gown) and it was take around the time the first puch fell.

no

He was never violent to me but he was to our son hence me calling the police.

He was controlling to me though.

Only if they really want to.

Not through anger management (abuse is not about anger, really, but control) or therapy, unless they recognise that they need to change.

Even with anger management, etc, I'd insist that he showed different behaviour for a long period of time. At least one year. And then slowly regain more access.

Ideally, as the child grows up he will be less susceptible to his control/abuse and will likely choose to simply stop contact.

How old is your DS?

I think people can work hard to change the negative thinking patterns and behaviours and mental health issues that contribute to cause them to abuse others yes but I think it is extremely difficult and an extremely individual process which, like everything, can only start when the person has recognised what they are doing and they are prepared to take responsibility and get help. Even then it is very difficult, depending on the reasons some people you can say with almost certainty will never change.

Our son is 6.

I also think some abusers under pressure will make all the right noises because they know it is required but then have no intention to change or take responsibility, they see things only as a means to an end and try to keep their abusive behaviour better hidden.

I think that in theory anyone can change their behaviour. In practice however very few abusive men stop being abusive. And anger management and/or therapy are not the routes for change, they need to go on an appropriate perpetrator programme.

I think that most abusive people don't/won't change. They get something from being abusive - usually people doing what they want because they are scared not to.

Also, they feel that they have the "right" to behave like that.

I also think that people develop habits of behaving with each other so that even if an abuser wanted to change they would struggle not to repeat behaviours with someone they have previously abused.

I also think at the core of these people is "Arrogance" and "Entitlement". Then throw into the mix self-centredness, lack of compassion, narrow mindedness and voila you have very bad combination.

yes, and even if they show respect to other people (from whom they have something to gain, eg, a boss) they will never show respect to somebody who has taken their abuse in the past.

Thanks for the replies so it looks like a no then. I'll be keeping a very close eye on the situation.

I'm going to be charitable and say that, even though it's rare, it has to be possible for someone to choose to change with help or the entire anger management, CBT, psychiatric therapy business is just blowing smoke up its own hole. But then the proof of the pudding is in the eating. In terms of access to a child, if someone 'passes' (or however they phrase it) their anger retraining I don't think the next step is instant unsupervised access. That would be ridiculous. It would have to start slowly with a long period of supervised access and let them build the trust back up through actions rather than promises. First foot out of line and game over.