Can abusive men really ever chamge?

[janflan]

I already have a thread on here called lots of hand holding required please in which I've had some amazing advice and support. In fact without it i doubt I'd have had the courage to call the police.

Am posting quickly will add more info soon but can abusive men ever change? Through therapy and anger management? Does anyone know of anyone who has?

Don't worry I'm not about to get back with my ex i just don't know anyone who ever has.

Well i guess i shall have to wait and see.

He wants us to go for joint counciling but i think we may have gone too far for that.

You don't attend joint counselling with someone who is abusive or manipulative. They will simply use the sessions to persuade the counsellor that they are in the right

Well considering this is the man who admitted to grabbing his son round the throat and got off with a caution you could be right.

Oh I remember your last thread. NO don't go for joint councilling OP. Very very bad idea obviously came from him ay

Yes it did come from him. I'm wondering too if he could use it to find my weaknesses so to speak.

Yes Jan he will do exactly that and more.

Have you purchased "Why does he do that" by Lundy?

Right ok so it's a no to that then. I think i will go on my own to see why my taste in men is so terrible. This is the 1st abusive one but the rest have been not great.

No i haven't read that but i will go and have a look for it now.

I'm interested to know this. My ex has just started a perpetrator program. I'm still in shock that he has finally admitted to the abuse and am wondering is this all part of the same cycle because he is running out of options? For the first time ever tho he is not making excuses, answering me back or denying anything. He rang the program himself and is also wanting to get drugs counselling . So I am keeping my fingers crossed that maybe there is a chance he can change.

He already knows your weaknesses, presumably, because you've been in a relationship for some time. If you're the kind of (normal) person that accepts their own failings, has a conscience or feels guilty about mistakes, the danger of joint counselling with a manipulative bully is that they'll try to twist anything like that back on you and try to make you seem as bad as they are.

@sunrise65.... there is also the very genuine possibility that he's manipulating the system. If 'not making excuses' is the way to get what he wants, then he won't make excuses. Counsellors love a responsive subject

They can do a programme ran by Womens Aid but ime.

Sunrise - I wouldn't hold out much hope. Even if he does the program and it helps it will undo all the work if he gets back with someone he abused I think. It may help him not abuse his next gf but I doubt it will have much success in getting you back together with him

Offred what makes you say that. I agree. But I'm genuinely interested.

Think of it like drug rehab, the addict is never advised to go back to the area/home/friends they had when addicted...

Because the abuser has crossed that line already, seen they will be taken back, there is no incentive to not abuse, there are benefits to them to abuse in that relationship more than any others they may have.

I mean if you had split with someone who "admitted responsibility and had treatment" possibly made a show of doing it and being sorry, then you took them back as a changed person and they did it again it would be 1m times harder and feel more shameful to get them out that time.

That makes sense. Bit like cut ties from having an addiction.

Easy to slip into when you know for want of a better phrase "they will out up with it".

The abuser will know that. They will be back with that person remembering the feeling of power they used to have, remembering that the person had taken them back... If they have any chance of really changing they need to stay away from old relationships where there was abuse I think.

My abuser is now abusing his new g/f......I wanted Karma to work for them in a bad way but not in this way.

Yes, my abuser abused his last gf (who he left me for) too and is now engaged but I have known her for a while, she is extremely meek and unconfident anyway, I think why he wants to marry her. I am on pins, he certainly hasn't changed how he treats me or the dcs, he just didn't turn up to take them out yesterday, they had chosen and hand written a birthday card for him and I found it scrumpled on the floor. he wouldn't answer his phone so ds txt him from my phone and he called back and said he would come at some point this afternoon, didn't know when he came at 3pm, poor ds and dd on pins since 12pm all because we are struggling for money and have had to ask csa to get involved because he won't contribute anything. At wits end with him just now...

What about when it's their child? Does the same apply?

Not even taking a chance with my DC tbh, no birthday presents, or cards and claims he misses them, hasn't phoned them for 4 weeks though.

In my experience ( lots of experience)no they do not change.
They have to accept that they have the problem, most anusers can't or won't accept this, as they believe the world revolves them and their needs, they are incapable if viewing things from other peoples perspective.

getting back with my ex is somethin that I really don't feel I need or want to do. I am happy that he seems to be finally making an effort to change so that he can be a more responsible and loving father. he has destroyed too much between me and him and I would never trust him so is just not an option.
Cognito , I really hope he isn't manipulating the system. I have little strength left if that is the case.

*Abusers not anusers, is that a Freudian slip