Can abusive men really ever chamge?

[janflan]

I already have a thread on here called lots of hand holding required please in which I've had some amazing advice and support. In fact without it i doubt I'd have had the courage to call the police.

Am posting quickly will add more info soon but can abusive men ever change? Through therapy and anger management? Does anyone know of anyone who has?

Don't worry I'm not about to get back with my ex i just don't know anyone who ever has.

Yes, if it is his child I would feel the same. I my ex grabbed one of our dcs by the throat he would not see them again, certainly not alone.

Mine see their dad (1 1/2 hours per week) because he has never touched them physically, I don't want them to grow up having no contact and idealising him. They unfortunately need to learn how to keep themselves safe from his particular kind of "love" if he hit them that would be the end of that.

Binky - spot on!!

Revolves around them and nothing else.

My ex has been having counselling for 12 years continually. He also sees a psychiatrist. He seems to have changed but every so often he can't keep it in and out comes all the vile abuse.

So no I dont think they can change.

Also we went to couples counselling and he ended up going to the pub with the counsellor . An

absolutely no. I have helped a friend through this recently She took her ex back 6 times!!!!!!! He made all the right noises CBT etc and as soon as she 'displeased' him he was off again

My ExH did the DV Perpetrator program as ordered by the courts and he still attacked me afterwards. So, IME no, he will never change because he doesn't see his behaviour as being abnormal and of course its all MY fault.

He's still saying that the stress of me nagging the teen to do the washing up (even though that didn't actually happen on that day) and th heat due to the kitten not being aloud out yet made him on edge and caused him to lose his temper.

I think it was the fact his tea wasn't ready and he didn't get the absolute silence he insisted on to plug the internet dongle in that started him off.

Bollocks to it janflan... My dcs come up with similar shit excuses for hitting each other. We always say; "there can be no excuse ever for hitting someone, if you hit you lose all rights to sympathy, you need to find a better way to deal with your feelings because it is always wrong and nothing anyone else does makes you hit, that is entirely your choice and you have to take responsibility for that" or some age appropriate version for the 2 year olds...

He is a grown man FFS. At best he is telling you he is not safe to be around the dcs because he can't control himself and at worst he is threatening them.

Jeez Jan, if everyone flipped out at that, the world would be a seriously bad place. Nagging is just a word used by abusers to dismiss and ridicule 'attacks' on their entitlement. A silencer.

My experience of the Respect perpetrators programme is it made him WORSE. Able to hide his surface anger better so you really couldn't predict the behaviour in any way.

My ex is on a 'nice phase' at the moment. It makes be want to vom. But saying that, it also is quite easy to spot little 'leaks' that show he has not changed in any way, e.g. the way he speaks about his vast array of new women

I think he thinks we're going to get back together. The more i think about it the less i want that to happen. At the weekend i was missing him a lot.

Domestic abuse is not about anger, but about control, as others have said. Decent interventions will make it v clear that the purpose is not to reconcile abusers with their partners... The abuser needs to make changes because they want to

Try not to remember the good bits but think about the bad ones. Of course you miss him, you've been in a relationship with him but it doesn't mean that you should consider taking him back after what he did to your son.

For every good memory there's a bad one. I feel bad for missing him after what he did but it's still hard breaking up with someone after 8 years.

There's no way I'm putting any of us through this again.

Those good memories are feckers! My bad ones out-wiegh my good ones but its the good ones which hurt!

out-weigh - hitting my children - with bad piece of shit ..... not not allowed around current g/friends dc. baby due soon too I believe.

That's so true they're even worse than the bad ones aren't they.

Oh yes, all about control and domination, stuff that for a life.

Yes Jan.

Try not to think of them, mine are becoming fewer!

Ah, don't feel bad for missing him - that's normal, surely?

Be kind to yourself. Please.

Yeah you need time to grieve - even the bad ones.

Perhaps an abusive man can show respect to somebody who has NEVER taken a moment's bullshit from them. I know my x did have some respect for certain people. Or, dunno if respect is the right word, but he knew when to rein in his usual control techniques.

It's all gone quiet and it's unsettling me. Ex was supposed to ring Ds this evening but he hasn't. He's having a visit from social services tomorrow and I'm dreading what he's going to make me out to be.

The lack of contact is a tactic - get your hands on the Lundy Bancroft book as soon as you can, it will arm you up in understanding these games for what they are, and empower you to deal with this horrendous situation and never go back.

I hope you can dismiss your worry about ss. I'm thinking, he is the one who should be very worried. You have done nothing wrong

No i haven't done anything wrong but if he can walk away with a caution after admitting to grabbing his son by the throat he can probably convince a social worker something that's not true. I'm hoping that seeing as he's been nice at the moment he won't but I'm not sure.