shocked and appalled. I need advice.

[AmIInDanger]

NC. regular.

I have never checked browsing history before never even thought about it. Yesterday I was trying to find an old mumsnet thread and clicked on browsing history.

Found pages and pages of horribly violent snuff videos, specifically women being strangled, all during the night when H is on the computer.

We have not had a 'married' type relationship for about 15 years and live more like flatmates. This happened within a couple of years of being married when I realised that his odd upbringing had left him with issues around women. I withdrew from the relationship and have more or less lived separately but sharing a house.

He is mostly like a bad tempered old eccentric who should never have married although sometimes he can have a vicious temper.

I would never have thought that he would do this (internet stuff) and now I am really worried and possibly a bit frightened.

Is it likely to escalate? Could DC or I be in danger? How do I tackle this? What do I do?

Get the he'll out of there.

Scary and twisted. Don't look back.

Hell. Stupid iPad.

Confront him and talk to him about what you found and that you're disturbed by it, wondering if the DC is safe. He's probably done it for years and before finding the videos you weren't scared of him. He hasn't changed, you've just discovered some secret obsession / interest he's been hiding from you.
If it hasn't escalated in the last few years, why would it now?

there is alot of violent porn out there on the net - a few clicks of a mouse and you can view anything.

Are you both happy within your relationship? im afraid it doesnt sound terribly healthy - have you both agreed that this is what works for you - or did you just withdraw from him without discussion?

he is simply using porn. lots of people do. they wont be real "snuff" videos, and while i find that type of fetish porn distasteful, it wont be illegal.

i think a frank discussion is way way overdue. neither of you sound particularly happy. 15 years in a sexless marriage probably means an awful lot of pent up emotions may need to surface.

why would you think your dc are in danger?

Watching that sort of stuff probably doesn't mean he'd do it, but it's definitely disturbing and possibly illegal.

My question is why are you living like this anyway? Wouldn't it be better to split up properly and seek a happier life?

it wont be illegal. had this discussion so many times before - im a police officer - there are specific things covered under the obscene publications act and this type of porn aint one of em.

have you ever asked him why he needs to use it?
you say you have not had sex with him in 15 years.....does the marriage work like this? was it agreed? or discussed?

would it be better if he used prostitutes or had affairs? i think there is responsibility on both sides here - and none of it ever sounds as if its been discussed.

its grossly unfair imo to just "withdraw" from sex without discussion, and im not sure what people expect the other half to do in these situations.

O+J not years worth. He has only recently (past year) started using the computer.

Vicar, its not porn. If it was I don't think I would be quite so concerned. Its violent killing women stuff which is why I am worried i may be in danger. I don't think the DCs would be in danger because his problem is with adult women.

From your original post, I wonder what has kept you in this relationship (that you admit you withdrew from early on) for all these years?

Personally, I couldn't live with a man who viewed this stuff, and I would not want my children to grow up with a man who thought this stuff was evening entertainment.

it will be porn - it is staged to look like violent killing of women, but its porn.

Vicar, the withdrawal was mutually agreed. He is more or less asexual..part of his problem/fear of adult women i suppose. He refused me sex very early on then i decided to accept it.

However that is all water under the bridge now. As I say, this is not porn he is watching it is women being strangled...very specific.

When you found out what he was like. You should have left then. Not withdraw from him. Without so much as a discussion or talk as to where it goes from there.

However. I think you are getting confused. The internet isn't littered with women getting killed. It is just not. That kind of stuff is quite heavily dealt with. Real life killings etc. The odd sick site gets evil stuff and is ends up taking things down.

Mainstream porn nowadays has a lot of strangulation in, I hate to say.

Vicar, I mean there is no 'sex' type porn. I know that these snuff videos are classed as porn too.

Xposts....

Yes and go onto any mainstream porn site. Most vids do feature strangulation to some degree.

What I really need to know, could I be in danger? can it escalate quickly?

surely then you should be talking to him? have you talked to him about it?

are you happy with him?
do you normally feel safe?
has he done anything to ever make you feel unsafe?

what has made you stay within this relationship?

Bloody hell that's a bit disturbing isn't it?!

I don't see how you can just carry on, after finding that. I would be very concerned to find out that my DH got his kicks watching women being strangled, I mean WTAF?

I don't have much advice, but I don't see how you can brush it under the carpet. I would normally advise talking to him, but in this case I would tread carefully.

When murderers/rapists are caught it often comes out that they had some sort of fetish/addiction to this kind of thing. I'd be off!

what are you asking op? are you asking if you are living with a potential nutjob who is going to go wibble and strangle you?

i would suspect only you know the answer to that one. i certianly dont - i dont know him, i dont know you.

in all honestly, i would doubt it. you have lived with this man for over 15 years.....if you dont know the answer then i doubt anyone on here does.

Does he act like that with you? I suppose if you're living like flatmates you're not having sex or any intimate time? Is his vicious temper physical?

Bump.

Didn't want this to go unanswered although there are women out there much more capable of replying to this than me.

My gut reaction would be:

do NOT tell your DH you have seen the browsing history

Get together key documents so you can move out if you have to - passports, marriage certificate, insurance docs etc.

How old are your children? Also are you in Soctland / England - i.e. are your children back at school yet?

Do you have anyone you could stay with if you needed to - friend / mum etc?

I think that you are right to feel frightened of a "a bad tempered old eccentric who should never have married although sometimes he can have a vicious temper" who watches snuff movies. Start making plans to get you and your children away.

I will talk to him. I normally feel safe enough, but he is a big strong man who could easily hurt me.

The main reasons I stayed were weight of expectations...old fashioned upbringing, you made your bed and lay in it, women especially. Also financial, when the DCs were little could not afford to leave.

What vicar said.

It just odd. I know people will be thinking Joanna Yeates. But you've known him for 15 years. He's off with women but you stayed for the house.

He hasn't hurt you in that time and you are now insistent he's been watching "snuff". I think only you can call this as they don't tend to escalate as slow as 15 years do they?

I don't know op. how long do you think he had been doing this? Its impossible to say either way over a snapshot on the internet. But your description worries me a little. Do you think he might hurt you? Have you ever thought he might? Because the difference I guess is that I'm as sure that I can be that my dh wouldn't hurt me, but you don't seem to have that certainty with your dh.

Do you want to stay in that house with him? Wouldn't you prefer to move on and have a life of your own?

I agree with fireoverbabylons points. Especially not letting him know you have seen the browsing history.

snuff films don't exist.
Please look it up. I just did.
A snuff film is a motion picture genre that depicts the actual murder of a person or people, without the aid of special effects, for the express purpose of distribution and entertainment or financial exploitation.[1] The existence of for-profit snuff films is generally considered an urban legend. Some filmed records of executions and murders exist but have not been made or released for commercial purposes.[2