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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

shocked and appalled. I need advice.

64 replies

AmIInDanger · 21/08/2012 11:05

NC. regular.

I have never checked browsing history before never even thought about it. Yesterday I was trying to find an old mumsnet thread and clicked on browsing history.

Found pages and pages of horribly violent snuff videos, specifically women being strangled, all during the night when H is on the computer.

We have not had a 'married' type relationship for about 15 years and live more like flatmates. This happened within a couple of years of being married when I realised that his odd upbringing had left him with issues around women. I withdrew from the relationship and have more or less lived separately but sharing a house.

He is mostly like a bad tempered old eccentric who should never have married although sometimes he can have a vicious temper.

I would never have thought that he would do this (internet stuff) and now I am really worried and possibly a bit frightened.

Is it likely to escalate? Could DC or I be in danger? How do I tackle this? What do I do?

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2012 11:38

.....so you are actually asking a bunch of strangers on a forum if they think your DH is going to off you, based on the fact that you live seperate lives, dont have sex, but he watches fetish porn.....

and based on the answers you will do what? so when you get the usual leave the bastard chorus you are going to do it? based on......?

your relationship sounds highly highly dysfunctional, on both sides.
do you talk to him?
are you happy?
do you or have you ever felt in danger?
are the children his and how old are they?
what sort of a father is he?

you know your DH, we dont! What do you think OP??

Original poster
AmIInDanger · 21/08/2012 11:38

I've got to go to work now but will be back this evening.

I know I have to tackle him about this. Teenage DS is going to be here in case anything kicks off.

Vicar, if you have any further advice please post. Thank you all.

OP posts:
MeeWhoo · 21/08/2012 11:41

I think that, snuff videos aside, you sould just ask yourself why you are still sharing your life with this man. From what you have posted it seems you are not getting anything out of the relationship and you arejust putting up with someone who has a bad, sometimes vivious temper...Why?

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2012 11:43

whoa.....

just stop a minute.
your teen is going to be there if anything kicks off???? are you for real?
do things normaly "kick off"??
if so, dont tackle.

dequoisagitil · 21/08/2012 11:50

You shouldn't put your teenager in the middle of this.

If you are scared of your husband, it's time to make plans to leave, not confront him over his porn use. You live separate lives, so it shouldn't matter to you.

It's time to question why you're been living half a life with this man and why you don't get out.

BlackberryIce · 21/08/2012 11:54

You have already briefed your teen and got him/her inside....oh. My. God.

NCForNow · 21/08/2012 12:00

OP "Snuff Videos" are where the participants are actually killed on screen I doubt that is what you've seen here.

These are just violent porn.

NCForNow · 21/08/2012 12:01

drank they do indeed exist. They're just extremely "specialist" and a normal person would not be able to find them.....but those who know where to look can.

tzella · 21/08/2012 12:02

OP needs to take a step back and use this as an opportunity to reassess her relationship and where it is, why it's there and wtf she thinks she's going to do about it Hmm

Saying things aren't 'normal' isn't always helpful but this really doesn't seem at all normal.

dranksinatra · 21/08/2012 12:18

NC, Can you find a link...?

BelieveInPink · 21/08/2012 12:23

Vicar, I thought the law had changed after the murder of Joanna Yeates? Now you can serve up to 3 years in prison for watching violent porn, and certain other types of porn.

UterusUterusGhali · 21/08/2012 12:46

Drank, you're asking for a link to snuff movies?!
Hmm

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 12:53

I don't think he is really asking for a snuff video link on mn. As they are urban legend anyway.

dramafluff · 21/08/2012 12:54

You have no way of how this interest has 'developed'. Has he always watched the same things? Is what he is watching degenerating further and further towards the violent because that is where the new thrill is? No one can answer that question for you and I imagine he is unlikely to want to.

There may well be other things you do not know, by the same token there are things he does not know about you.

The pertinent point here is that you clearly do feel threatened or worried about your potential safety by the language you have used and by the fact you have raised it here.

To me it seems there is no 'relationship' as such - staying seems pretty pointless to me. Your DCs are not 'little' any more by your use of tense so that is not a good reason to stay. Would you be any worse off and would you actually take a deep breath and embark on a whole new life out there feeling a weight lifted from your shoulders?

Good luck with it all.

If you feel he is volatile then the suggestions regarding making a firm get away plan are good. This is not the kind of situation that rears its head every day so you really cn have no idea what his reaction might be, int he same way as you would, up until now, have never imagined in your wildest dreams you would discover this as an interest of his. Essential documents are, as has already been stated, a must.

dondon33 · 21/08/2012 13:09

For all you know OP, he could of been "interested" in the snuff before you were married and throughout your marriage but it's been kept secret.
Only you know how likely he is likely to carry out anything he's seen. I'm not condoning what he's looking at but many people have fantasies albeit fucked up ones but they don't actually want to carry them out.

I think the no 1 problem to tackle is your living arrangements, doesn't sound like it's much fun. I can understand when people do it as a temp arrangement but 15 years after your relationship broke down is above and beyond "making your bed and lying in it"

It does come across that you fear him so please be careful when confronting him, sorry if I'm wrong but it just sounds like you are.
As for teenage DS being there if he kicks off Angry that's not fair to him and if there's any chance of H kicking off then it's really not a good idea to broach the subject with him. Just work on how you can leave/get him out.

CinnabarRed · 21/08/2012 13:11

Please, please don't involved your teenaged son any further than you already have done. You're putting your son in an impossible situtation.

AgathaFusty · 21/08/2012 15:07

You have to ask yourself if you find this acceptable. If you don't, which I guessing you don't as you're asking questions, then what do you intend to do about it?

Please don't involve your children in this. It's not fair on them.

Do your children have a good relationship with him?

scentednappyhag · 21/08/2012 15:18

If you think these are videos of women actually being murdered, then you need to call the police.
If you think your H might kill you, then you must leave and not rely on your teenage son to protect you.
If you think he has sexual tastes that veer towards the scary end of BDSM but don't think he would ever hurt you without your consent, then you need to discuss his porn use if you're unhappy with it.
I don't really know what else anyone can suggest, only you know your H.

OneMoreChap · 21/08/2012 15:25

scentednappyhag Tue 21-Aug-12 15:18:42
If you think he has sexual tastes that veer towards the scary end of BDSM but don't think he would ever hurt you without your consent, then you need to discuss his porn use if you're unhappy with it.

Note OP's comment: We have not had a 'married' type relationship for about 15 years and live more like flatmates. This happened within a couple of years of being married when I realised that his odd upbringing had left him with issues around women. I withdrew from the relationship and have more or less lived separately but sharing a house.

I think she's got very little grounds to complain about his sexual tastes, as they haven't slept together for 15 years... if she's that unhappy, why doesn't she leave...

mysteriouslady · 21/08/2012 15:29

He is asexual.

He is scared of adult women.

He watches violent porn.

Are you aware twisted fantasies are a symptom of abuse for some survivors? Tread carefully because he sounds like a survivor to me.

solidgoldbrass · 21/08/2012 15:31

'Snuff' films in the sense of real people being really murdered and the murder being filmed for profit is a complete and utter myth. In all the years of hunting for such things, the police all round the world have never found one. Things which the tabloids sometimes claim to be snuff movies have always turned out to be simulations; quite often of old horror films. Any criminal with an eye to the alleged profit to be made out of such things would simply bootleg a few scenes from Saw or Hostel and intercut them with some standard porn and claim this was a snuff movie, because that would be the best risk/profit ratio.

OP, it sounds like you should end this relationship as it doesn't appear to be doing either of you any good, but don't drag your teenager into it and actively attempt to turn him against his father.

scentednappyhag · 21/08/2012 15:52

Onemorechap- yes, I get that. I agree that it sounds like leaving this unhappy situation is the best solution.
But, if she doesn't want to leave, and he is not a risk but watching porn that she finds disturbing, then actually talking about it might be an idea.
Only she knows whether he is likely to actually be violent or just watches violent things with no intention of carrying these things out himself.

ClassFree · 21/08/2012 15:53

Sadly, the filming of rape and murder does get posted to the internet, but not necessarily 'for profit'.
We had a case recently here in Canada, where Luka Magnotta made a video of himself raping and murdering his lover, and posting it to a porn site. Sad
There are some seriously fucked up individuals out there.

ClassFree · 21/08/2012 15:54

OP, are you in a position where you have the means to leave your H? For so many reasons, it sounds like it is time to take your DC(s) and go.

Houseofplain · 21/08/2012 15:55

Yes. Class but that is a very rare one off. Where the guy is quickly man hunted and the videos are take down.

Like the kill a kitty ones. They are all rapidly dealt with.

Snuff films are a myth. There is not some hidden part of the internet where these are made and stored.