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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my friend has left her dc and dh

68 replies

cazboldy · 20/08/2012 21:16

She is not one of my closest friends but we meet for coffee and for the dc to play together, and her dh and mine do the same jobs so we/ they also have that in common too.....

anyway her mum dies form cancer 10 years ago, and now her stepmum who she is close too is also terminal, with about 2 months to live Sad she has taken this very badly, and gone to pieces really Sad

her dh is not the most supportive, but he works hard and long hours and does his fair share with the dc and she is a sahm.

she has been getting increasingly unhappy and told him that their marriage was over but had stayed with him in their house, although in separate rooms, although i think he thought he would win her round

on saturday she left, and left the dc with him Sad they are only 5 and 2 Sad and he is extremely busy with work (he is a farmer and it's harvest time) so i think she was feeling a bit ignored.......

what do i do? i don't want to take sides, but want to offer to help him with his dc

any advice?

OP posts:
Giganticusbottomus · 20/08/2012 21:21

I think he needs to sort his own childcare out.
If I left my husband and children I would be at crisis point. If my friends leapt in to help my husband instead of me then I would think that gave me a clear message.
Your friend needs your help now, her husband and children will find the support they need, I'm sure. How involved are the grandparents?
I know as parents the thought of leaving our children is abhorrent but for this reason I believe your friend must be desperate. Please help her, she will be expecting everyone to condemn her (and many will). HTH.

Giganticusbottomus · 20/08/2012 21:22

Please excuse my first sentence, far too harsh!

ivykaty44 · 20/08/2012 21:24

Help her, support her

Original poster
cazboldy · 20/08/2012 21:25

should have said - I have sent her a message - completely non-judgemental, offering to meet her, or pick things up for her, but she has not replied.

They live next door to her fil, but no Mil on the scene and obviously her dad is busy looking after his wife Sad

OP posts:
Giganticusbottomus · 20/08/2012 21:28

Where is she staying at the moment? Could you visit?

hermioneweasley · 20/08/2012 21:29

Sheesh, if this was a guy walking out on his wife and DCs we all be horrified and damning if him.

I would be offering him practical help - taking kids out, taking meals round etc. I would also call and text her and let her know that you are there for her if she needs you.

Original poster
cazboldy · 20/08/2012 21:30

i don't know - and he doesn't know - she has just said she will be in touch..... he thinks there might be someone else, although i doubt this, i don't think she has the capacity to be adding to what she is already dealing with.... I am worried for her Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
cazboldy · 20/08/2012 21:32

hermione - that is what I feel like doing! i don't want to take sides but I feel so badly for him and those little dc.... he hasn't cheated, or been violent - he is a good man, and a good dad Sad

the problems are hers really - he just wants her to come home

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 20/08/2012 21:33

It isn't a simple case of woman or man - this person has left the family home and their stepmum is going to die - they need help and support

SlightlySquiffy · 20/08/2012 21:33

How horrid Sad it sounds like she is at breaking point and will need support. Sounds like you have done the right thing in offering her help. I'm sure the Dad and children will have a lot of support. Maybe even dropping around some freezer meals might help as I know most of the organising of my day is making sure the children are fed properly.

Giganticusbottomus · 20/08/2012 21:35

Hermione - it is not really a comparable situation as she was a SAHM and the primary caregiver, she hasn't left because she's shagging someone else, tbh it sounds like she may be on the verge of a breakdown, increasingly unhappy, on the verge of devastating bereavement, acting out of character...
I think Caz is right to be worried.
If a sahd with similar issues walked out of the house, I'd be worried too.

Caz - are you friends with her dh too?

hermioneweasley · 20/08/2012 21:35

I don't think it is taking sides to support him. You've reached out to her, but he's the one with a job with non negotiable deadlines and young kids to take care of. If she's any sort of mother she'd be grateful for you supporting him.

Original poster
cazboldy · 20/08/2012 21:40

we are friendly enough, we have been out for meals all together, and I have had a coffee with him if I have dropped the kids back and she wasn't there or whatever.

am sure normally, say if she was ill or something she would be glad of my help - and i do think she is ill now Sad

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 20/08/2012 21:42

Why shouldn't you offer help if that is what you want to do. And it isn't taking sides to support him. If you are helping with the DC's you are helping her indirectly. Do what you feel is right. I think you should help if you want to. She sounds as if she is having a breakdown.

Doha · 20/08/2012 21:56

By offering her DH help with the DC's is not taking sides. You have offered your friend help and now you would be offering her husband and DC's help.

Agree that your friend is having some crisis.

cestlavielife · 20/08/2012 21:59

offer to take the children to play so he can gt on with his farming deadlines and they dont feel so lost. .
the children are the priority here - adults have to seek help themselves.

Hulababy · 20/08/2012 22:02

She has walked out on her husband and young children. Yes, she may be at breaking point or ill herself and yes, she does need some help herself. But you have offered and heard nothing.

But likewise the husband is now left without his wife and with sole charge of two young children who also don't know where their mum is. I think it is only right to offer him some help and support too.

Lostgirl27 · 20/08/2012 22:02

Have you or anyone heard from your friend at all since she left??

FloraFox · 20/08/2012 22:05

If you want to help with the DCs you absolutely should. As others have said, if she is thinking straight now or later, she will thank you for it. If she thinks this means you are siding with her DH, that's her problem.

squeakytoy · 20/08/2012 22:06

I would text her and say "I hope you dont think I am interfering, but I am going to offer xxx some help with the kids as this is not their fault, and he is struggling".

Noqontrol · 20/08/2012 22:08

I don't think theres any harm in offering some help with the kids for their benefit. Keep trying to reach out to her and don't get drawn into taking sides when you don't know whats happening.

Hassled · 20/08/2012 22:09

You should offer the H some help - whatever you can. It's not about him versus her - it's about the fact those kids are going to be reeling and whatever you can do to help them has to be a good thing.

wannaBe · 20/08/2012 22:09

Thing is, we none of us know what is going on. She may be at crisis point or she may in fact have met someone else - there is no way of knowing.

This man is presumably also a friend - there is therefore no wrong in offering help to him and their DC.

On the flip side, if no-one has heard from her and it's believed she is on the verge of a breakdown, has the husband considered contacting the police?

ivykaty44 · 20/08/2012 22:13

OP did you offer to have the dc before this happened? It is just that if you offer to have the dc now that he is on his own - well did you offer to help with the dc if she was struggling?

Lostgirl27 · 20/08/2012 22:23

I think this is a major cry for help and I urge you to make every effort to get in contact with her