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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my friend has left her dc and dh

68 replies

cazboldy · 20/08/2012 21:16

She is not one of my closest friends but we meet for coffee and for the dc to play together, and her dh and mine do the same jobs so we/ they also have that in common too.....

anyway her mum dies form cancer 10 years ago, and now her stepmum who she is close too is also terminal, with about 2 months to live she has taken this very badly, and gone to pieces really

her dh is not the most supportive, but he works hard and long hours and does his fair share with the dc and she is a sahm.

she has been getting increasingly unhappy and told him that their marriage was over but had stayed with him in their house, although in separate rooms, although i think he thought he would win her round

on saturday she left, and left the dc with him they are only 5 and 2 and he is extremely busy with work (he is a farmer and it's harvest time) so i think she was feeling a bit ignored.......

what do i do? i don't want to take sides, but want to offer to help him with his dc

any advice?

OP posts:

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 14:48

No sorry necessary! I thought breakdown first, too. Sad if it's the other things

Tempernillo · 22/08/2012 15:24

Just because someone leaves doesn't make them the villain. What if he had been physically/emotionally abusing her and nobody knew? The mn would be on the side of the party who walked out. Might not be the case, perhaps she is just a selfish cow, but things are rarely just black and white.

BoneyBackJefferson · 22/08/2012 15:34

Tempernillo

Yes, "What if".
but then "what if" she where abusing her family?

OP, I would offer to help the Dad and the kids.

Kirsty240287 · 22/08/2012 16:06

If you have his number could you text him something along the lines of I heard what happened, I'm not judging and I don't know much about the situation but if you need help with the kids let me know. Then take your kids (if you have any) round to his so he doesn't have to worry about dropping off/picking up and then whilst your there you could say well I may as well do dinner/washing/ironing etc so his pride can't get in the way of help.

If you don't have his number can you send your DH round, maybe a man chat or a pint down the local would make him feel a bit better?

As for the friend, all you can do is ask around to try and find out where she is and text or phone her and say your there if she needs you for anything, again. If you don't know where she is and she wont return your calls then there's not much you can really do!

wannaBe · 22/08/2012 16:28

the thing is, we can never really be sure what happens in anyone's relationship, can we? Just because someone for eg posts on mn that her dh has upped and left leaving her and the kids doesn't mean that there weren't factors that led to that happening.

When a man walks out we automatically assume that he is the one in the wrong, we villify him and all sympathy goes to the woman left behind because we only have her side of the story. Fact is that even affairs are rarely just black and white, and while they're not right by any means, there are almost always factors which lead to them happening i.e. affairs are usually a symptom not a cause.

perfectstorm · 22/08/2012 17:01

"Just because someone leaves doesn't make them the villain. What if he had been physically/emotionally abusing her and nobody knew? The mn would be on the side of the party who walked out. Might not be the case, perhaps she is just a selfish cow, but things are rarely just black and white."

If a woman leaves her kids with a man who is physically/emotionally an abuser, not because she is cracking up and can't cope/because her life is at risk, but because she's met someone else and thinks she now has an alternative, then IMO that makes her more of an arse than a woman who's left because she's met someone else and knows the kids will be fine with their Dad. Your primary responsibility in life, first, last and always, is to your dependent children. I'd also like to see how you would respond to a poster who said her husband had just disappeared, and she just found out it was to an OW. I suspect abuse would not be your first accusation.

OP, the poor man just lost his wife and is now going to be managing two very unhappy young children, plus work. I'd offer all the help in the world, because the kids will need it, whatever the reality of what has happened with the parents.

TheDogDidIt · 22/08/2012 17:18

I would help him, for the sake of the children. As she was a SAHM, he'll have no childcare in place, and at harvest time he needs to work. It's his children's livelihood. She has ignored/refused help, even from her best friend. It isn't about male/female here - it's about practicalities, because that's what's needed for the children's immediate welfare.

bronze · 22/08/2012 17:29

Can I ask
Was it the best friend who said she didn't want anything to do with the leaver woman. Or did the leaver woman tell her best friend that she didn't want anything to do with her?

LineRunner · 22/08/2012 17:39

Those poor children. I had the same thing done to me (assuming what you say is true, OP) - left with two young children while partner pretended there wasn't someone else when there was. Horrible. Not sure I'll ever get over it, tbh.

TheDogDidIt · 22/08/2012 18:11

Yes, that's a good point, bronze - I may have misread that. All the same, the most important issue is the welfare of the children. Farming isn't the same as other jobs, where the father might take emergency leave.

Perhaps it might be best to take an earlier poster's advice and text her again, saying that you're going to help because of the children.

Tempernillo · 22/08/2012 18:28

I am not saying this man hasn't been left awfully in the lurch and on face value, yes this woman is indeed an arse! I don't necessarily think people would be taking round casseroles and putting washing on for a single mum though, so that is a bit of a double standard there too. I think people actually tend to judge women who leave more than they do men tbh.

But regardless, yes these kids and their dad do deserve your support, as would any female friend whose husband left.

TheDogDidIt · 22/08/2012 19:07

If a friend suddenly became a single mother, I think most of us would be offering practical help with childcare and keeping the kids fed, though.

LineRunner · 22/08/2012 19:10

I think the lack of help I received was directly related to the ExH's made-up stories about why he left. Sad but true.

Original poster

cazboldy · 23/08/2012 10:12

Sorry for being confusing - she (my friend) doesn't want anything to do with her friend

ok so have spoken to her dh, and he practically fell over himself in his haste to accept some help. His siblings don't live close by, and his mother disapproved of my friend so he doesn't want to ask her to help as he thinks she will say I told you so........

I think he is still hoping she will come back and is viewing this as a temproary thing - like she has gone on holiday or something.

Kids seemed remarkably fine! and am picking them up for the day in a bit

OP posts:

FloraFox · 23/08/2012 16:45

That's great cazboldy hope your day went well!

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 25/08/2012 08:17

caz no matter what or why this woman left, you have done a lovely thing in offering to help re the children. Hope you had a good day with the kids.

I think he does need to tell his siblings and his mother though, otherwise he will be struggling with only you to help him. I bet there is a lot more to this than what it seems on the surface.

perfectstorm · 25/08/2012 14:11

" I don't necessarily think people would be taking round casseroles and putting washing on for a single mum though, so that is a bit of a double standard there too. I think people actually tend to judge women who leave more than they do men tbh."

Last time a friend's DH did that I put together a box of lovely shower gel, chocolate, really good coffee and a lottery ticket. The kids were secondary school age so I thought that would be better than a casserole. If someone had young'uns then honestly, truly, I would.

Agree completely that the woman gets more grief for leaving, but then, she's usually the primary carer so it damages the children more. That's why most women get residence in a split, after all. But i do absolutely concede that a woman left on her own with the kids isn't regarded as heroic, either - a single dad really is. That's the world, innit. Sigh.

OP I think you've done completely the right thing. I hope they have a lovely day with you - sure they will do. And good for you for stepping up. It takes a village and all that.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 26/08/2012 10:33

My friend was left with 4 children and was devastated.
I was round there every day helping her with the children, cooking, cleaning and just being there for her. Helped her financially and with paperwork too.

Farming isnt a 9-5 job and this time of year is very important, not to mention busy so anything you do to ease his workload I am sure is very much appreciated.

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