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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my friend has left her dc and dh

68 replies

cazboldy · 20/08/2012 21:16

She is not one of my closest friends but we meet for coffee and for the dc to play together, and her dh and mine do the same jobs so we/ they also have that in common too.....

anyway her mum dies form cancer 10 years ago, and now her stepmum who she is close too is also terminal, with about 2 months to live Sad she has taken this very badly, and gone to pieces really Sad

her dh is not the most supportive, but he works hard and long hours and does his fair share with the dc and she is a sahm.

she has been getting increasingly unhappy and told him that their marriage was over but had stayed with him in their house, although in separate rooms, although i think he thought he would win her round

on saturday she left, and left the dc with him Sad they are only 5 and 2 Sad and he is extremely busy with work (he is a farmer and it's harvest time) so i think she was feeling a bit ignored.......

what do i do? i don't want to take sides, but want to offer to help him with his dc

any advice?

OP posts:
Giganticusbottomus · 21/08/2012 07:27

Ok, so helping him by taking the children out wouldn't hurt but I think one open ended text to your friend is probably not enough. I saw you said she isn't one of your closest friends - do you know who her close friends are? Maybe it would be worth ringing them and finding out if they can help or get you in touch with her.

It is difficult when the person in crisis is not close to you. Years ago a friend of a friend was, I am sure, suffering with undiagnosed PND. I saw her in a larger group reasonably often but never on our own. I really wanted to help but in the end spoke to someone else in the group who was closer to her and asked her to speak to her friend.

At the moment her dh and children have each other, she hasn't got anybody.

fluffygal · 21/08/2012 07:47

You should definitely offer help with the children if that's what you want to do. My OH was kicked out and left in sole charge of a 4 month old and a 15 month old to look after, I know he would have appreciated any help anyone could offer no one did. Why shouldn't you? If the reason is that she is ill then she would of course think the world of you helping out with the kids.

panicnotanymore · 21/08/2012 08:13

Ok, might be a stupid idea, but could you look after the dcs at your house and text her to let her know that she is welcome to come round to see them at yours without her husband being there? Offering to help with the children isn't taking sides, it is a very kind thing to do.

diddl · 21/08/2012 08:15

Helping with the children isn´t taking sides, is it?

It´s thinking of the children & looking after them until the father can organise some childcare?

I´d also contact her again.

She´s going through a lot atm.

Original poster
cazboldy · 21/08/2012 08:42

wannabe - I really don't know if there has been any contact with anyone else, she still hasn't replied to me Sad

I have messaged her closest friend this morning, not asking anything, just asking her to let her know that I am here if she needs anything (and also checking if sh ehas heard from her and if she is ok)

Ivy - Yes I have the children now and again, like if she goes for a haircut or something, or pick up from playgroup etc

OP posts:
Original poster
cazboldy · 21/08/2012 22:14

her friend got back to me - and says she has been in contact with her, and told her she wants nothing to do with her Sad

there is someone else according to her

she isn't helping the dh - they had a silly falling out a while back over o drunken night out my friend and her had when she wasn't back in time for him to go to work in the morning

OP posts:
Giganticusbottomus · 22/08/2012 07:32

Bloody hell Caz - what a mess Sad

Even if she is with someone else it may still be because she is at breaking point but it is harder to be sympathetic I think if that is the case. What are you going to do now?

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 22/08/2012 07:37

I would help out the husband with the little ones, offer support to your friend. Until you know if she is with someone else then it is gossip and it does sound like she is at breaking point. Sad

Tempernillo · 22/08/2012 07:51

Just because she is behaving in a seemingly selfish manner, does not mean she still doesn't need help or is sick, she may be having a manic episode which can lead to behaving out of character, sexual promiscuity, staying out late etc. And we don't know went on before, perhaps she has been struggling with the kids for a while and had begged her husband for more support that wasn't forthcoming, and she finally had enough.

Regardless, the children are the priority at this stage, I think you have done the best you can't thus stage for her. Offer help with the kids and leave the door open for her. Just because someone leaves their partner doesn't mean the break up isn't hard on them too, and unless she has always been just abut of a selfish cow, her recent out if character behaviour and leaving her kids to me suggests there is still sonethibng deeper going on.

MrMiyagi · 22/08/2012 08:41

Look forward to this new sympathetic mumsnet next time a poor fella has just had too much and walks out on his stressful life into the arms of another woman.

UnrequitedSkink · 22/08/2012 08:48

I'd offer my help to the Dad regardless. He and the little ones need support too. Text your friend and let her know you've offered your help, but that it doesn't mean you're taking sides, and that you're there if ever she needs you.

wannaBe · 22/08/2012 08:58

so, men walk out on their wives and children all the time and are branded as bastards. A woman does the same and she must be at breaking point? Hmm th e double standards of mumsnet live on I see. Hmm

MrsHelsBels74 · 22/08/2012 09:03

Could you not speak to your friend & explain that you won't be taking sides, but you want to help both parties to ensure the children are ok?

HiHowAreYou · 22/08/2012 09:10

I think you should offer to help, if you can, and you care about the children.

Giganticusbottomus · 22/08/2012 12:22

I do agree wannabe - it is a horrible double standard but then we know a bit more about her (bereavement, increasing unhappiness) before she left than we do about many men who we hear about leaving. She did sound on a downward spiral. And although I may well be flamed for this, a mother leaving her children is different to a father leaving, particularly if she is the main care giver - which she was.

If, however, she is a self-centred cow who has just had enough of being a mother and left for another man (as many men have done to women on MN) then she deserves a royal flaming.

Ormiriathomimus · 22/08/2012 12:26

Yes you should offer to help him. I can't beleive she would resent you helping her husband look after their kids. She won't want them to suffer. You've already held out a hand to her - she can grasp it she wants to .

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 12:26

Do help with the kids; I'm sure you would do the same if the roles were reversed Smile at MrMiyagi

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 12:29

Giganticusbottomus Wed 22-Aug-12 12:22:02
I do agree wannabe - it is a horrible double standard but then we know a bit more about her (bereavement, increasing unhappiness) before she left than we do about many men who we hear about leaving.

To be fair, you do rarely hear the men's side; I wonder why.

And although I may well be flamed for this, a mother leaving her children is different to a father leaving, particularly if she is the main care giver - which she was.
Why on earth would anyone flame you for this? I'm sure you'd react in exactly the same way if it was a SAHD or major care giver who just walked out.

pumpkinsweetie · 22/08/2012 12:32

I would help him with the kids.
Without meaning to sound harsh, i don't agree with mothers leaving their kids.
I have had tradgedies in my life and i hit rock bottom but i would never leave my children, they are my life, i gave birth to them. This is much worse than a man leaving his children.

Maybe she has had a mental breakdown and needs help, do you know where she has gone op?

EldritchCleavage · 22/08/2012 12:36

Do help the children. Just imagine how frightened they will be by all this.

OhThisIsJustGrape · 22/08/2012 12:54

My SIL walked out on her DH and 4 DCs. She actually left him for his best friend, she was definitely not ill and got no sympathy from me. We all piled in to help BIL, he was devastated.

It was things like washing and ironing he needed help with the most, he could cook which was a bonus (more than my DH would be able to manage if I upped and left!) and didn't actually want to offload the children as he was scared it would look as though he couldn't cope. So I used to go round and just bundle up the clothes to be washed in black bags, take them home and return them clean and ironed. I didnt really give him much option I'm afraid as his pride would've got in the way.

I would pop round there, perhaps with a casserole or something he can reheat easily, and offer to help in any way he needs.

Also, what my BIL wanted and needed more than anything was to just talk. He would talk and talk for hours about it, over and over again just trying to make sense of it all (he couldn't, of course because who on earth can justify what she did). Being a shoulder to cry on was worth a lot I think.

Kayano · 22/08/2012 13:40

My sil ran off to Kent for weeks to sleep with a man on the Internet then kicked bil and her kids out the house and they all ended up at my house and them mils!

They now have 50/50 but I bloody hate the way MN autimatically assumes it is a breakdown when it's a woman who does it.

ForeverAutumnNow · 22/08/2012 14:36

If I have read this correctly, her closest friend -who will know exactly what has gone on - has said that she wants nothing more to do with her. I think that says everything.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, there are two small children who are suffering. They need all the help they can get.

Giganticusbottomus · 22/08/2012 14:41

Kayano - the assumption wasn't purely because of the fact that she was a woman. It was because of the history that the OP gave and also the fact that she was the children's primary caregiver. If it had been a SAHD (as OMD said) going though the same emotional events and then leaving then I think there would have been concern that he was having a breakdown also.

Giganticusbottomus · 22/08/2012 14:43

OMC not OMD - sorry!

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