Gloom, despondency and barking in the Inferiority Complex: how do I manage to be supportive without giving in to the urge to whack DP on the back of the head?

[motherinferior]

To be fair (which I'm not very often) DP has every reason to be gloomy and despondent. In fact, given that he nursed his mother through her terminal illness at the end of last year, he is having a lot of work hassle and he was attacked recently, it would be rather alarming if he wasn't (as no doubt he'd just run amok in a supermarket with an Uzi in a year's time). But it is stressful to live with. Especially the constant barking (mainly at me, only very occasionally at the Inferiorettes); and particularly since despite my occasional impression of a sympathetic person on MN, I am very bad at being a selfless helpmeet in real life. I have made lots of cakes , and try not to shout at him as loudly as I'd like, but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

no help but kudos for using the word "helpmeet"

very impressive

hmmm well cakes are good
how about biscuits?
soup?
sex ?
go out a lot

I've arranged some going out.

Gloom and Barking are profoundly anti-aphrodisiac, I've found, but I could, I suppose, grit my teeth

Hmmmmmm.
When we get like this - and we do, we do - without the extreme provocation that has gone on in your household recently - we usually find that a long outdoor type outing together blows away some fusty old cobwebs.

You are good at keeping your endorphins up by swimming. This is a terrible time of year. It's a bracing sunny day, wrap up warm, go to crystal Palace Park, run up and down the slopes, take the Inferiorettes into the maze, teach them frisbee, take a camera and take silly pics of each other, and then have hot choc and cakes in that nice French cafe along the top of the park opposite the bus station.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Sobernow, I didn't do a thread on it: he was attacked on the way to pick up DD2 about a month ago. It was horrible, totally unprovoked - he wasn't even robbed. You're right about that. And I'm considering suggesting bereavement counselling. He's also just exhausted and I realise I have to do stuff like take the kids out without him, which I did this morning.

Can't go out this afternoon as his ex, her female partner and their baby are coming to lunch. We are very 21st century here in Sarfeast Lunnon, you know

second going somewhere windy and bracing....we went to brighton for daytrip and it helped somewhat.

are you finding yourself having the same conversation over and over? if so, embargo that subject on your part (for eg if every time you talk to him you bring up whether he is ok and what is going on for him) for a short while. talk about nonsense and weather, my man seems to prefer that when he is down (drives me nuts but still).

or is that you're not having any conversation except the barking...in which case cinema so that you have something to talk about? in a neutral way?

so sorry inferiority complex is under cloud atm. just the fact that you posted in the way you did shows that you are an extraordinary helpmeet.

Sobernow - that sounds v perceptive.

MI - I think he probably IS exhausted - inc emotionally exhausted - but one of the things we find, and I'm sure you do too, is that our w/e s get very structured in the same way that the week does 'you take DS to xx while I do this, then he and I will meet so and so while you get yy done'. And THAT isn't really a family break.

Have a lovely time with the lunch...maybe all walk to your local park afterwards for half an hour?

I do sympathise - lot.

I love the sound of Blu's idea for a day. I'm really sorry, he's has an awful lot to put up with, but so have you, actually. I do think it might be good to try and get away for a few days- could you go somewhere at Easter, and just have a relaxing family time? Doesn't have to be anywhere very exotic, just get out of London for a few days.

Good ideas. And we're going away to friends' at Easter, and he's taking time off to be with the girls while I'm working in the house (which he always enjoys - it's not like having them all on his own) and I think I've got every excuse for booking the perfect, pricey holiday in Crete I want

And he does realise how he's being - he just came up to have a chat about it. He's at rock-bottom, and tedious though that is to deal with, it is understandable.

PITA though

When I lived in London and felt down, particularly when it was cold and miserable, I used to go and visit Kew Gardens - particularly the hot and steamy green house parts. I used to imagine I was in some fabulous tropical place .

I think Sobernow's comments have great merit.

Oh, MI.
Do you do the sitting-down-for-supper-and-having-serious-conversations thing often enough? (We don't . I know it makes a difference.)
Crete sounds almost medicinal in the circs. Definitely book it. Good for him to have something tolook forward to.

Well yes, Crete should do the trick :) That sounds good about Easter, and it is good that he recognises how his behaviour is affecting you all. He sounds such a sweetie really. Bereavement counselling would definitely be worth thinking about though, wouldn't it?

Terrible PITA. Depression is a transmittable disease IMO, I stay as far away from depressed people as possible.

Make looking after yourself a priority and then looking after him will come easier. Make some time for yourself to do whatever you enjoy doing, and recharge a bit, on a regular basis if at all possible. Otherwise you could start to burn out and resent it all very quickly I would think.

oh crete...sensational....is fab! went last year, going back in sept.

Ah,my dh is a bit like this at present.
Has lost both parents in less than thre months ,stressful job abroad,runs around like a blue arsed fly on his very short visits home..you get the drift.

Biting my tongue,(whilst reminding myself of how bloody saintly I am)cooking really graet food,and encouraging him to talk over a good bottle of wine followed by..ahem...a good seeing to generally does the trick.

Throw a walk into the equation and you should be on the road to recovery.

Poor bloke.

Hi sweetie. Poor you and poor dp, I really feel for both of you. I was mad as a bag of snakes for about a year after my dad died I think. In fact, and I've never posted this before, dh (who was dp then, we'd only been together a year and a bit) left me, briefly, because I was just so difficult to live with. OK, so he came round by the time I got to Exeter in the car (an hour from where we lived at the time!) but he is extraordinarily lovely, tolerant, kind and in love with me so it just shows how awful I must have been. I know that's not much help, I guess I just wanted to show that a) I was hell and b) my dp found it very, very hard too.

What is it for your dp that gets his endorphins going in the way that swimming does for you? I walked and walked and walked after my dad died, long bracing coastal walks, dragging 3yo ds behind me. It really helped, all that air and exercise and feeling that nature is bigger than you are. Sorry, that sounds wanky but ykwim I hope. That's awful about the attack, yes, I think Sobernow prob has a point, it must be v hard for him. Is he talking to his brothers about being bereaved and missing his mum? Because they will understand and will be feeling similar things I should think. Can you encourage him to if not? I found mindless tv helped me too, so in my case Star Trek and Sex and the city, no idea what the equivalent would be for your dp but escapism was good I remember. I am dreading dh's parents dying because, god and this is selfish, he was SO wonderful to me when my dad died and I will struggle, big time, to repay him because I am crap at sympathy.

I'm also impressed at use of helpmeet :)

MI - poor you and poor DH!

Does he have a hobby or anything like that? I find that DH recovers reasonably quickly from a touch of the blahs, if I can find him some time to go and make something (he is into cabinet making). I'm not sure if it is the time alone, absorbed in something he enjoys doing, or the satisfaction of the finished product - which are to alarmingly good standards!

It can take him weeks to make something though, and it does feel like a bit of a burden at times!

The walk in the park also sounds a fabulous idea! Alternatively, I find that Leeds castle on a sunny spring day, could not fail to life anyone's heart - surely:)

MI - sorry to hear this. Poor DP going through all that. And poor you; it is so bloody tiring being supportive and kind all the time. My DP was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago and at the time, I did confide in close friends that although I felt sorry for him, it was very difficult being constantly understanding and sympathetic since you are tired and pulled in many different directions and also in need of some TLC.

The holiday sounds like a good plan. Being attacked could certainly have got to him more than he actually realises, that really is horrendous. Does he talk about it at all?

If sympathy isn't your strong point, he probably already knows that, and seeing you struggling to be sympathetic coudl just be making him feel even worse because he's making you feel bad. Could you tell him that you want to help, but honestly find it difficult, and see if he can get his doses of > from someone else, and you give him practical help - like looking after the kids by yourslef to allow him the time to get tehsympathy from someone else?

Hi MI - not much helpful advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you! I'm not brilliant with the sympathy thing either... I tend to be a saint and utterly patient for ages but then have a shout back myself - on purpose - only v.v. occasionally, just so dp knows that actually I'm human aswell and her downward spirals can affect aswell..! But does that sound really awful??

Other more supportive things to do - time on your own (without the inferiorettes!) - evening meal out? Definitely lovely holiday in the sun - sounds fantastic! Does he/would he consider the gym or something like that?

xxx

Death is nasty, never mind the other stuff on top. As someone who's going through a bit of what your DH is, time helps, as do long bracing walks, and a good relaxing hobby. Hard to fit those in with work etc, though.

Just seen this MI. So sorry to hear about dp's blues and yours. And about the attack, how absolutely dreadful. FWIW, after dh fell off that wall 18 months ago he had some horrid helpless flashbacks and the dr actually said mild PTSD - it may be that the attack has done something similar, hence the extra barking. Glad he came up to talk to you about it - talking is good and I would recommend a counsellor although he might have to try on a couple for size - men like a robustish approach and some (very lovely) bereavement cousellors can be a bit, er, drippy.

Hope you had a good lunch today. Hang on in there - have a massage or something this week if you can and definitely book that hol in Crete (gorgeous place, one of my favourites on the whole of planet earth).