Gloom, despondency and barking in the Inferiority Complex: how do I manage to be supportive without giving in to the urge to whack DP on the back of the head?

[motherinferior]

To be fair (which I'm not very often) DP has every reason to be gloomy and despondent. In fact, given that he nursed his mother through her terminal illness at the end of last year, he is having a lot of work hassle and he was attacked recently, it would be rather alarming if he wasn't (as no doubt he'd just run amok in a supermarket with an Uzi in a year's time). But it is stressful to live with. Especially the constant barking (mainly at me, only very occasionally at the Inferiorettes); and particularly since despite my occasional impression of a sympathetic person on MN, I am very bad at being a selfless helpmeet in real life. I have made lots of cakes , and try not to shout at him as loudly as I'd like, but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Somehow despite your current troubles, you made me laugh at the thought of your torrid menage a trois with Alan Sugar and Bernard Matthews. Although, actually that is very worrying that you would rather do that than T'ai Chi!!!
Not much more to suggest than others have done. Grief is one of those things that takes time and you probably will have to be patient on that one. Most people seem to estimate on a year of awfulness after the loss of a close family member. The attack sounds awful, how really horrible for him.
I think it is fair for you to let him know you are finding him a bit hard going too. Be sympathetic and supportive but you need to let him know that his moods and feelings are affecting the whole household. Maybe that could be a way of suggesting the counselling?
Big hugs to you.

Oh MI - how difficult for all of you. I'm sorry it's such hard going for everyone at the moment. It does sound as if you have come up with a plan for your dh that will provide a change of scenery, and the ability to focus on something positive. I also think booking the family holiday would be good as it would give all of you something to look forward to.

Grieving such a huge loss is very difficult. IMO, he does need to let himself feel this loss to truly deal with it/get past it. But, if you think he's not moving through the grief, but is getting stuck instead, then as others have suggested, counselling might help him.

I really don't know what to say about the attack. It's shocking and deeply upsetting. Was he offered "victim support" from the police? My friend had this after she was mugged, and it helped her tremendously. Hope things are better soon.

wotcha MI
no wisdom here but hi

Crete it is.

Rampant love making...oh, do I have to?

But seriously, I am very very grateful especially to everyone who's focused on the attack. I had actually somewhat discounted that till someone mentioned it to me the other day (Aloha, actually, who remains very lovely despite a stinking cold). I think he'd forgotten about it too.

Oh MI, poor him and poor you I had no idea he had been attacked, on top of that dreadful bereavement - no wonder he's low. And what a shame that the new job is turning into a hassle.

My dp is often depressed and it is so very, very hard to cope with (especially when it coincides with me coming home after a caesarean ). Usually I try to grit my teeth and force myself to be as generous as possible, because that really does seem to shorten the episode. But that is really hard to do when you're tired and have stresses of your own.

So no bright ideas from me, but warm thoughts and a big hug x

PS. Rampant love-making - yes you DO. Come on girl, do it for England.

In my youth, I did it with England. Most of, anyway.

Sorry to hear about this MI. Your idea of a weekend away for him sounds just hte job. Man-barking is AWFUL, counselling is the only thing I can suggest. We have couple counselling for some man-barking behaviour which helped DP see why it affected me so much. He just thought it was nice and healthy that he wasn't repressing his rage. But I was a wreck with the stress of it.

If you can get a tub of valium from your mother in law's bathroom cabinet, then an evening together with a coupel of them and a bottle of sherry is highly recommended.

xxx

'man barking' lol

motherinf I've only just seen this, so sorry you're having such a stressy time. Crete sounds good, tai chi sounds good if that's his thing...

anyway, I have nothing useful to add, just wanted to wish you well and hope that the man-barking subsides very soon (do you think Collins would consider putting man-barking in next edition of their dictionary?)

xxxx

cultivate any selfish streak. my bf (allegedly) who is a stranger to tact told me that I was the ideal person to be married to a depressive because I was nice and selfish and thereby maintained own brain. sad but true. baking cakes all very well but go out on your own, or simultaneously with booking Crete book yourself a B&B later in the year for a night away in your favourite place, or selflessly offer to watch a nice dvd with dh and then pick one you actually want to see, or whatever.

MI, don't know if you ahve any babysitting options (seem to remember that they are thin on the ground for you) but if you could get awya with dp for four days you could have the room the lovely normandy hotel that i'm trying to flog at the beginning of april (very luxe, heated pool, in deauville) for free.....would love to give it to you and your man to get away and be just the two of you for a while....any chance you could do this??? four nights from sunday 2nd apri.

Oh, Soph, that's so lovely of you but he's off with the girls in the run-up to Easter, which will actually be very nice as I'll be around as well.

Life is in fact somewhat less barky at the moment. I reckon that hippy weekend is a great consolation to him. Men are very odd.

And yes, I am taking full advantage of (a) going out to swim (b) eating my full share of whatever nice food is on offer [slurp]

glad to hear things have improved a bit MI

Did I mention the weekend is in Amsterdam? Two days in lovely Amsterdam, with all its pleasures from the lurid to high art, and he’s going to do t’ai bloody chi with a lot of people who offer you their wheat-free snacks. He did try for a while to get me to go with him during the post-Christmas week-long course when Amsterdam is frozen solid (this was when I was pregnant with a two year old). The summer course is in Germany, I think and he also tried to lure me with the fact that (a) there was child-care (b) I could learn Hawaiian Swimming, which apparently enables you to swim underwater for four days with a spear between your teeth (I may be slightly inaccurate here) which is a skill so useful in South East London, I always find.

Men are very odd.

pmsl MI

You mean you don't want to be able to swim under water for four days with a spear between your teeth? Sounds like a life skill we could all do with acquiring

OK...I just booked an incredibly, fabulously, expensive holiday.

If I starve in the gutter I'm blaming you lot

Can you do a link to your holiday? Then we can all dream abotu it...

Only just seen this, MI and can't read it all now - almost time to pick up ds2 - but sorry you are having such a crap time (very of the holiday though...). Dh has gone through periods like this in the past and I'm afraid I'm a clench my fists so I don't whack him on the back of the head type...so I probably have little by way of useful advice but I will come back later and read properly...

Hoorah! If you starve, will the gutter at least be in a wonderful sun-drenched country?

Good on you! I had a vile year, last year, and the one thing I really regret is that dp didn't just book a week away in the sun for us...I'd have moaned like hell at the time, but been eternally grateful.....(as it is two weeks booked in May - I can't WAIT!)

great news about the holiday. is it Crete?

starving in gutter good for the soul anyway, it brings out the artistic creative side. perhaps.

acnebride i'm with you all the way on the benefits of a healthy selfishness when coping with a depressive partner.

Yep, Crete it is. Quite scary, really, am not used to this blowing money on having nice time lark.

Fennel, I can assure you that my fundamental selfishness remains undented.

UPDATE

DP came back from his t'ai chi weekend quite revoltingly chilled-out. Told me, at great length (it was 11pm, I was trying to get to sleep) about practising calligraphy (WTF?) and how fabulous it had all been. I have booked the holiday for August. Am failing dismally on the tirelessly inventive, filthily tender sex front but have made blueberry muffins

So possibly things are looking up, hurrah!