Gloom, despondency and barking in the Inferiority Complex: how do I manage to be supportive without giving in to the urge to whack DP on the back of the head?

[motherinferior]

To be fair (which I'm not very often) DP has every reason to be gloomy and despondent. In fact, given that he nursed his mother through her terminal illness at the end of last year, he is having a lot of work hassle and he was attacked recently, it would be rather alarming if he wasn't (as no doubt he'd just run amok in a supermarket with an Uzi in a year's time). But it is stressful to live with. Especially the constant barking (mainly at me, only very occasionally at the Inferiorettes); and particularly since despite my occasional impression of a sympathetic person on MN, I am very bad at being a selfless helpmeet in real life. I have made lots of cakes , and try not to shout at him as loudly as I'd like, but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

theres some kind of male manliness that gets "taken" when they are beaten up. it can be like taking their manliness in some cases. i dont think women will fully understand this and it probably need counselling of some sort.

maybe this is an opportunity to just re-evaluate everything.

him working or not you working or not, moving, kthe whole shabang.

id rather be happy and skint than unhappy and rich.

sounds like depression h needs to start taking some pills whilst waiting on a list for counselling imo

hello, mi

so sorry to read this your mil's death plus the attack - double whammy. no wonder he is feeling less than his best.

i do think talking it over with someone would be a good idea - perhaps victim support could recommend someone? or perhaps there is a counsellor who could cover both issues (i.e. the attack and the bereavement). as others have said, being attacked like that is such a violation.

if he is having work stress, would your schedule allow taking some of the load off him at home to facilitate his workload?

could you give him some time "off" at the w/e to pursue a hobby, as soapy suggested?

or would it help to say when he barks at you (calmly as though to a pre-schooler), "i understand that you are unhappy/stressed/tired at the moment, but i prefer it when you speak to me politely".

i think the outdoorsy activity type days out or weekends away sound like a great idea.

hth and good luck .

hi MI
sorry to hear things not great in the complex. am also crap at sympathy to depression, though not nearly as bad as dp would be to me.

what springs to mind is a weekend away without the dds but i know you don't have babysitters. is there anyone you can leave them with and get away together?

'helpmeet'-

Sorry to hear this though MI. Can you sit down and talk to him and say that although you understand that he is feeling terrible, barking at you is really NOT going to help? It must be very hard to keep up being selfless and pudding-maker-ish if you are being snapped at a lot. I think the suggestions of walks and holidays are excellent ones but I do think, depressed or no, he mustn't shout at you.

oh MI sorry to hear all of this, lots of good advice here. attack sounds horrible. xx

sorry it's all so grim atm sweetie, you know where i am. xxx

Hope everything went well today MI, and your Dh is feeling a bit perkier with the change in routine, visitors and all.

Oh, MI, have missed this thread all day by the looks of things. What a crappy time - it does all sound ridiculously stressful and exhausting for both of you. Depression is vile for everyone - however if he really has hit rock-bottom then maybe the upward swing is on its way? I too sympathise greatly with your lack of sympathy

Can't give any better advice than you've already had. Brisk walks, good food, a fab holiday, long talks over wine - and the odd bout of teeth-gritting?

Hope your lunch was as lovely as it sounds, btw xx

Oh, thank you, everyone.

I have actually done something kind to DP and suggested he goes away for a weekend doing hippy t'ai chi - personally the idea makes my blood run cold (I would rather be trapped in a torrid menage a trois with Alan Sugar and Bernard Matthews) but it is something he used to do a lot of, and which he hasn't done for ages, and there's a weekend of it coming up and frankly it will mean so much to him (both going and my suggesting he goes, IYSWIM) that it's worth it.

I will also suggest, when the opportunity is right - ie not when he's barking at me - that he consider some sort of counselling, and attempt ways to deal with the barking that don't involve either bursting into tears or sulking.

And go on making cakes, because I am so very selfless

lol suzywong I had that same thought about 'helpmeet'!Some lovely advice coming soon MI

you failed to mention the 2 blowjobs a week MI

but the rest sounds excellent, you selfless woman, you

you failed to mention the 2 blowjobs a week MI

but the rest sounds excellent, you selfless woman, you

OK not advice but obv the very fact that a) you are talking about it and b) you have already done some v lovely things suggests that while it may drag on, this is not a permanent situation.

I have a friend whose dh last year got broadsided by a bout of reactive depression: he got found out as a fraud, publicly humiliated and effectively sacked. I must say, all justifiably, the guy's a twat. But she found that doing the domestic goddess thing and being utterly focussed on making sure he ate (lack of urge to eat leading to low blood sugar and depression/grumpiness).

I realise this isn't enough but tbh others have said all I would have said and I think suggesting the weekend away is a lovely and specific thing to do. Sympathies. xxP

Hi MI, there was quite a lot of barking here recently. With nowhere near as good cause as your dp has got - it was basically mostly work-related, dh in a nasty job for an American bank (even bankers - well the kind that I know - have lines that they have to draw somewhere - he left). One thing that made it possible for me to keep calm about it all was to make sure I had time on my own. If I had that (preferably exercise-related) it gave me the ability to hold my breath and count to ten and remind myself that it wasn;t his fault.

am fairly sure that personally would rather give daily blow jobs than attempt domestic goddess approach to nurturing care. but each to their own.

i suppose antidepressants are out of the question (for him not you) if he's a t'ai chi type?

MI :( sorry to have missed most of this thread today, am so sorry bereavement and that vile assault are making dp so hard to live with. Loads of good advice on here, especially Blu's, which she should patent. We did the local version of her idea this afternoon, but had to come home for the hot chocolate :)
We regularly have the gloom + barking = not arousing discussion, alas.
Giving his space to go on his risible hippy outing very good. I am inching towards permission for a fishing weekend but as he already has his tennis every week am starting to feel overdrawn at the Credit Mutuel de Time Off...
Will mail you tomorrow re next weekend M xxx

don't forget how important puddings are MI.

I'm sure they'll get you both through this.

x Enid

lol at putative menage a trois!

I think it is really good that he does come and have little chats with you about it, and knows that it is happening.
Much as the thought of Tai Chi makes me need cake, it might do him a lot of good - make him feel that HE is in charge of his body again- rather than any assailant in the street.

But my instinct is still to make joint realxed family time as well as giving him time on his own - partly because of the strain that will have on you, and how you will keep having to rescue each other from leapfrog exhaustion. Yes, he needs time on his own, but maybe he needs time as part of his immediate family too. And he may end up feeling guilty if he retreats into his grief and leaves you to cope alone.

I'm sure your cakes speak volumes.

When are you going to Crete? It sounds wonderful.

Blimey MI, I had no idea. Some great suggestions here. Like the one about emphasising 'you and me against the world'.
Blu's day out sounds fab. Would a variation work, where you get him to take the inferiorettes out to do something fun all day - so you get a break but he does something energetic and 'up' with them? Like ice-skating at one of those open-air rinks (is Somerset House one still there?), or riding, or something else physical that makes you laugh when you do it with kids?

Hi MI

So sorry to hear about this. Your DP has had a lot to cope with the last few months and every reason to feel depressed, but being enduringly sympathetic is actually very tiresome. And I can say this from the heart right now as DH has flu and I know he feels terrible and I know that it is a thousand times worse for him because flu exacerbates his MS symptoms and makes even the simplest things (like pulling up his trousers) close to impossible but I'm still silently gritting my teeth and thinking 'Just brace up man'. Loafing in bed and falling on the floor I can do, self-pitying despondency I just can't cope with.

I totally agree about the effect of the attack. Like so many things, it's different for men. It is very emasculating. A colleague at work was sleeping in bed one night with his girlfriend when his telephone wires were cut, his front door broken down and four huge men arrived in his bedroom with knives and proceeded to threaten his girlfriend and steal their possessions. When I asked the question 'Surely you didn't think you could somehow have defended yourself and your girlfriend if you were bigger and stronger' he broke down in tears and said that's exactly what he felt. Four against one, knives against jimjams? Completely mad but very male.

I think everything you've suggested and everybody else has suggested is spot on. But, I also think that you should think about the sex-thing seriously as serial sessions of rampant love-making is probably one of the swiftest and simplest ways to rebuild the awful sense of vulnerability left by death of a parent and an unprovoked attack. Could you possibly see it as alternative to vigorous swimming?

gosh, sorry I missed this...thinking of you & the inferiorettes..and dh

(dh's are funny, aren't they? mine much more chipper now have put up 2 out of 3 cabinets in bathroom and have booked weekend away in Cork..)

Being with a depressed person is damn miserable, you must go to Crete. Crete is wonderful and has the best food in Greece and lovely warm water and this has beena long cold winter especially for you and DP...

sorry about my repeated use of 'family time'! I know how it makes you shudder! it's theat moment in the w/e when, in paralell and simultaneously, you both HAPPEN to have a glass of something fabulous in your hand!