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Original poster

Stuck in the middle of a Jeremy Kyle-esque love triangle! Arrrgh

84 replies

jimmenycricket · 17/08/2012 21:27

I can confidently predict at some point among the replies to this thread someone will call 'troll'. I'm a namechanger. I have been away for a while. Do I need to do the red rug, SWMNBN, river of poo bit?

Anyway, one of my best friends has broken up with her DH because she has had a few affairs (see how I made that sound quite insignificant a few Hmm).

She met at least one of them on a website for people seeking marital affairs (I had no idea there were them but apparently so). After having a long conversation with her about it, I went and had a look at this site and identified the man she was seeing from what she said about him.

Here comes the kicker...... He's my other best friend's husband. Shock

and she has no idea!

Friend 1 has no idea I know that she's dating friend 2 and friend 2 has no idea she's married to a worthless scumbag who has told such a tapestry of formulaic lies to friend 1 (including the classic 'my wife doesn't understand me and we never have sex' Hmm)

I'm avoiding both of them. I don't know what to tackle first. Frankly I reckon friend 2 gets priority since she could conceivably discover his internet whoring with a few clicks. Or do I tell HIM to stop fucking around and hopefully put the lid on the whole lot (I'm not hopeful).

DH reckons I should invite the whole lot of them around for dinner but he's just a big meanie.

Kind women on Mumsnet, what the heck do I do now!?

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 17/08/2012 21:34

have the dinner party threaten the H. F me! Poor you!

catsrus · 17/08/2012 21:39

from what you have said the only person worth having as a friend in all this is Friend 2 - so you tell her that you have a moral dilemma as you know Friend 1 is dating the husband of someone you know, and you're really sorry, but from what you can see on the website you're pretty sure it's her DH. You hope you're wrong, but you thought she should know.

Original poster
jimmenycricket · 17/08/2012 21:39

Dinner party is tempting - perhaps serve pombears but yes I think telling him would be best.

OP posts:
catsrus · 17/08/2012 21:40

he's done it once, he'll do it again, she deserves to know IMO

Happylander · 17/08/2012 21:40

Have the dinner party and set up the webcam so we can all watch the fall out on youtube.com Grin

Original poster
jimmenycricket · 17/08/2012 21:42

catsrus - but what does she gain from knowing? Agree about friend 1 - but then would I say the same if it wasn't him? Who am I to judge. She's pretty down and I think that's why she's done this in the first place. :(

I think he's a cynical manipulative gitwizard. And in many respects the villain of the piece but I am looking for damage control over justice here.

OP posts:
bubalou · 17/08/2012 21:43

Wow....ummm....????

I don't really know what to say. I would put myself in your poor friends shoes who has no idea about the affair!

I think he deserves to know. Wouldn't u want to?

vigglewiggle · 17/08/2012 21:43

Just tell friend 2 that you spotted her DH on a extra-marital website. I say "just"- obviously it won't be an easy conversation, but you don't need to include anything about friend 1. Just say you were doing "research" - your husband knows, so you won't get into any difficulties.

Original poster
jimmenycricket · 17/08/2012 21:43

x posted with you catsrus. I agree he is likely to do it again. He's still on this website. Friend 1 stupidly said to me the other day 'oh he's stopped being on it now he's dating me' but he's definitely still there. She just has stopped looking on it now she's found her new beau. She's actually left her husband over the affair. :(

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 17/08/2012 21:44

So hang on, friend 1 knows that the man she is seeing is married? Or not?

I think friend 1 has the morals of an alley cat, given that she has had several affairs already. I don't think you owe her anything, and I would seriously consider the attributes you want in a friend.

Friend 2 on the other hand, has done nothing wrong. I think you owe her most loyalty. I would tell her, but be prepared to be shot as the messenger.

Or just invite all of them round for dinner. You could serve pom bears.

bubalou · 17/08/2012 21:44

Bloody phone - she deserves to know! Not he!

vigglewiggle · 17/08/2012 21:45

No, tell her first. Otherwise he could delete his account, spin a web of lies to her and she might end up believing him!

Original poster
jimmenycricket · 17/08/2012 21:45

viggle - I was just trolling for some strange and came across your DH That's going to be an interesting convo Wink

Agree she needs to know. Ideally I'd like him to fess up though and leave me the heck out of it. She's going to need someone to turn to when it all goes tits up and it's likely to be me. So I don't want to be the bearer of the news really.

OP posts:
Original poster
jimmenycricket · 17/08/2012 21:49

Beryl - friend 1 knows - he's told her they are all but finished and sexually defunct (which is not true). I agree with you about the loyalty and yes I do think what friend 1 has done is horrid but people do stupid things sometimes and if you are a friend you stick by them (unless it's absolutely heinous). If it were just an affair with an unattached stranger, I wouldn't be pleased but I wouldn't disown her. It feels wrong to do so because it's someone I do know IYSWIM.

viggle first thing I did was to capture the listing electronically!

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 17/08/2012 21:53

Jiminy - please don't tell the wife/F1. Just threaten her selfish arse H and give him 2 weeks to sort his sh*t out.

In fact, telling him that his shag is planning to spend the rest of her life with him will scare him enough to drop her...

OWs don't seem to cotton on to the fact that they are being USED

Lora1982 · 17/08/2012 22:10

i think if u tell him he'l only end it with f1 and find another... although praps not straight away... praps hes one o them who thinks hes dead clever and can get away with it if he lays low for a bit.

BerylStreep · 17/08/2012 22:10

But telling the H first will give him an opportunity to get in first with his story, alienate friend 2 from the op.

Original poster
jimmenycricket · 17/08/2012 22:15

The ideal solution is I guess to get friend 1 to tell friend 2. That way I'm absolved without getting too involved. Could I do that? Would that be a really terrible thing? The man involved will definitely do this again. He's a supercillious git. Angry

Really cross with him because he's fucked up TWO marriages not one and I think he's taken advantage of friend 1's poor mental health at the minute.

OP posts:
letsturntothenorth · 17/08/2012 22:15

Pom Bears Grin

bubalou · 17/08/2012 22:26

I agree that I would get proof digitally etc, taking a print screen of his profile etc, whatever. Give her the opportunity to decide what to do. She can decide what she wants to do. Whether that's confront him straight away or maybe she will want to hear from friend 1. U never know how people will react - but this dirt bag deserves some serious punishment! Angry

Original poster
jimmenycricket · 17/08/2012 22:29

I have digital proof. But I am currently at the sticking my hands over my ears and going nahanananananan can't hear you stage because frankly I don't want to get involved. But I feel guilty about that. It's my own fault for going nosing around this blooming website (incidentally how perverse is it that there are websites dedicated to cheating!?)

Friend 2 AND friend 1 are going to be devastated when I reveal what I know. :(

OP posts:
MadamFolly · 17/08/2012 22:32

I feel very sorry for your dilemma op, I have had similar and they are horrid :(

thenightsky · 17/08/2012 22:34

Have the dinner party.

Observe the dynamics.

Serve Pom Bears.

bubalou · 17/08/2012 22:39

It sucks - it really, really does. But the alternative doesn't bare thinking about!?! Leaving that scum bag to carry on his sordid ways - with both your friends being made fools out of! I doubt that your friend 1 is the only person he's seeing too!!!

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 17/08/2012 22:41

Send an anonymous email to her?

TBH, I think you need to tell her- who knows what diseases he's passing on? Unfortunately, it quite possibly will cause a falling out- especially since she will find out that you are friends with OW, and still plan to be in the future. I don't know how you would talk to your friend if you knew her other friend has told her what your husband likes in bed Sad. But, when she does find out, as she eventually will, and she knows you knew and didn't tell her, you've lost a friend anyway.