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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stuck in the middle of a Jeremy Kyle-esque love triangle! Arrrgh

84 replies

jimmenycricket · 17/08/2012 21:27

I can confidently predict at some point among the replies to this thread someone will call 'troll'. I'm a namechanger. I have been away for a while. Do I need to do the red rug, SWMNBN, river of poo bit?

Anyway, one of my best friends has broken up with her DH because she has had a few affairs (see how I made that sound quite insignificant a few Hmm).

She met at least one of them on a website for people seeking marital affairs (I had no idea there were them but apparently so). After having a long conversation with her about it, I went and had a look at this site and identified the man she was seeing from what she said about him.

Here comes the kicker...... He's my other best friend's husband. Shock

and she has no idea!

Friend 1 has no idea I know that she's dating friend 2 and friend 2 has no idea she's married to a worthless scumbag who has told such a tapestry of formulaic lies to friend 1 (including the classic 'my wife doesn't understand me and we never have sex' Hmm)

I'm avoiding both of them. I don't know what to tackle first. Frankly I reckon friend 2 gets priority since she could conceivably discover his internet whoring with a few clicks. Or do I tell HIM to stop fucking around and hopefully put the lid on the whole lot (I'm not hopeful).

DH reckons I should invite the whole lot of them around for dinner but he's just a big meanie.

Kind women on Mumsnet, what the heck do I do now!?

OP posts:
rhondajean · 17/08/2012 22:44

Omg what a pair of twunts, I can almost understand someone falling into an affair with someone at work etc but to deliberately go looking online?

Ok

You need to tell friend 2 apart from anything you say their sex life isn't defunct - you said friend 1 has been sleeping around - her DH is putting her at risk.

Be prepared for her to shoot the messenger, but honestly, you have to do it.

Poor you, how awful, and what were the odds eh.

Abitwobblynow · 17/08/2012 22:50

Well come on Madam Folly, what happened? Tell us!

Lora1982 · 18/08/2012 06:16

i think tell f1 and f2 so f2 can finish her end of the bargain and f1 wont be in the dark about what a super shit her H is. either way her marriage will suffer even if u dont tell. and if u do tell f1 least f2 then knows u did all u could to get it ended rather than letting it drag on

Lora1982 · 18/08/2012 06:18

crap i got my f's mixed up....

Lizzabadger · 18/08/2012 06:26

I think I'd probably have a hypothetical chat with f2 about if she'd want to know if her husband was cheating. If yes, then I'd tell her (and be prepared for messenger shooting). If no then I guess I'd just make my disapproval known to f1.

naturalbaby · 18/08/2012 06:33

Go to relationships board, read chutney thread-there are 3 of them starting about a week ago, see what happens to poor unsuspecting wives. There are a couple of pregnancies to complicate matters!

Shesparkles · 18/08/2012 06:45

I think I'd run a million miles from the whole situation very fast! Maybe the cowards way out, but if you tell friend 2 about her husband, you could be the one who loses a friend (have seen it happen)
At the very most I'd threaten to tell husband of friend 2 that if he doesn't tell his wife, you will, and give him a deadline.
It's an awkward position for you to be in, but you don't actually HAVE to become involved

Pancakeflipper · 18/08/2012 07:00

If I was f2 and found you knew but never told me, I would hate you.

You cannot win in this but it's not about you. If you are close to f2 then tell her. I think it can be done and you and f2 still be friends and support her through a really crap time.

AgathaFusty · 18/08/2012 07:05

The poor wife. Someone said an anonymous email, would an anonymous letter be better? At least then she still has you to turn to for support without your friendship being tainted. You could suggest maybe someone he works with sent it??

Trazzletoes · 18/08/2012 07:11

F2's H has wrecked 2 marriages?! No. F1 is responsible for her own marriage. She signed up to the website and chose to leave her own husband. It sounds as if they are as bad as each other. Poor F2.

Agree F2 needs to know but you need to be prepared that she may well take it out on you. To be honest, I'm struggling to see how you'll be able to give them both emotional support following the revelations. If I were F2, I'd find it hard to process you maintaining a close friendship with a woman who actively sought out my H for sex. Yes, both F1 and F2's H are both to blame, but I would struggle with the knowledge that you were also counselling F1 about her relationship with MY H.

catfart · 18/08/2012 07:14

Personally, I'd get friend 2 round and show her the web page and explain how you found out. Don't sugar coat it, don't wrap it up in a load of lies for you to save face with friend 1. Just let her know what an awful position this put you in but her friendship built on honesty is whats paramount. And be there for her and support her in what she needs to do next.

There is no nice way of breaking this news, you need to give her the facts not a load of fluff. Don't send an anon email, someone did this to my mother when my father was having an affair and it deeply upset her.

DozyDuck · 18/08/2012 07:16

Don't just tell her you found him on the website! I found ex dp on that same website a.....m? And he managed to convince me he was just looking at porn, saw it and wanted to see if anyone he knows was on there.

That was a lie.

Tell her everything

TiredOfGoingRoundInCircles · 18/08/2012 08:04

I think you should consider the possibility that f2 already knows. I was sort of in f2's situation in that my H was signed up to websites for married people who want extra-marital affairs. I say 'sort of' because at first he said it was fantasy and that I was the one he loved. As far as I know he didn't meet anyone in RL at first, but he did progress :(

I stayed with H for 8 years after I found out, hoping that this 'need' would go away again and I couldn't tell anyone for a while, I don't think I told anyone else for about 3 or 4 years - telling other people makes it more real. We're separated now and I hate being on my own. I miss him and the loss of our future together terribly, I don't know which is the worse situation for me, but that's another story.

MushroomSoup · 18/08/2012 08:38

I've had a similar situation with F1 and F2 although luckily nobody was married in this version! F1 head over heels in love with man; all going well. F2 comes round and tells me how infatuated she is with new man. I can't believe my ears and tell her that man is seeing F1. F2 cries and is mortified (even though she doesn't know F1) and then I ring man and give him a bollocking embarrassingly acting like his mother.
Eventually I feel I have to tell F1.
Lots of tears. But for me, friends come above wanky men so I'd tell them every time.

catfart · 18/08/2012 09:20

The thing is OP, you are in a very difficult situation where whatever you choose to do will impact on your friendships with these friends. You could of course do nothing, but then you have that knowledge that your friend is being messed around and she could well catch something from her husband as well from his other relationships not to mention a horrible secret to carry which is a real burden. You could try the anon email or letter (I strongly urge you not to do this) and then watch the paranoia wash over friend 2 when she thinks everyone out there knows but her. Tell only friend 1 what you know.......once again, you will then have knowledge that will change your relationship with friend 2 forever.

There is going to be fall out from this undoubtably, but my message to you would be....if you were in friend 2's position who in my eyes is the innocent party here, what would you want 'you ' to do.

MairyHinge · 18/08/2012 09:26

Do friend 1 and friend 2 know each other?? Does friend 1 know it's friend 2's hubby? Not that it makes any difference really, but it's a sticky situation for you.
I agree that you should tell friend 2 tho, friend 1 deserves no loyalty from you, she's an alley cat.

RindersGoesForGold · 18/08/2012 09:32

Trazzeltoes is very wise. Smile

littlebluechair · 18/08/2012 09:37

This is an awful situation, but unfortunately I think you have to separate what you think is the right course of action from what you'd like to happen re. future of the friendships. Ultimately that's impossible to control in these type of situations anyway - you are stuck in the middle whatever sadly and if comes out some other way later who knows what each person might think/feel.

If it were me, I'd tell friend 2 about her husband having an active profile on the site, because she deserves to know.

HiHowAreYou · 18/08/2012 10:02

I can't imagine ever thinking it would be a good idea to nose around on a sordid local website where people look for sex and affairs. There's probably all sorts of things there you wouldn't want to be put in the position of finding out about!

I think maybe an anonymous email would be easiest.

HiHowAreYou · 18/08/2012 10:03

(Sorry for the "there's" instead of a "there are".)

moonfacebaby · 18/08/2012 10:08

I think honesty is the best policy.

Granted, your position is a difficult one but it would hurt me more that a good friend hadn't told me.

From the perspective of being a victim of infidelity too (nothing like this awful scenario!), if the information came from a friend, I would respect the terrible position you were in & be incredibly thankful that I had someone who wanted me to know.

Both of them are being played by a complete twunt - unfortunately one friend has been stupid enough to join a website that means she is opening herself up to deceitful behaviour (more fool her), whilst the other friend is completely clueless about her skanky H, who deserves to have his lying, cheating arse kicked into shape.

Difficult for you, I know, but would you want to know about this if you were the innocent friend? I would, no matter how painful.

treadheavily · 18/08/2012 10:09

I think try to put yourself in their shoes. Would you want to be told? If so, go ahead. Keep it simple, don't get sucked into spilling each woman's stories to others mostly because you as the messenger will be shot down. Say you're really sorry and you haven't told anyone except all of mumsnet and you're there when she needs you.

ratspeaker · 18/08/2012 10:44

Send a link link to friend 2 with the website and his details saying sorry, noticed this, think you should know.

Id then tell friend 1 you know who shes dating and he's married wife has just found out, you dont have to name names

MildredIsMyAlterEgo · 18/08/2012 11:10

I wouldn't send an anonymous email, she will be wondering where on earth it came from and you will have to pretend it wasn't you. Too Eastenders imo.

If you are absolutely sure that F1 is seeing F2s husband, I would tell F2 everything I know. If you're not absolutely sure of this, I would then draw her attention to his profile on the dating website.

I don't know whether I would say anything to F1, it all depends on how deep the friendship is.

You may well get some flack but you probably will when it all comes out anyway, when they find out that you knew all along.

Sounds like a nightmare situation.

AgathaFusty · 18/08/2012 11:33

I think you should let F2 know ASAP, however you decide to do it, as her health could be being compromised by her knob of a H.