Stuck in the middle of a Jeremy Kyle-esque love triangle! Arrrgh

[jimmenycricket]

I can confidently predict at some point among the replies to this thread someone will call 'troll'. I'm a namechanger. I have been away for a while. Do I need to do the red rug, SWMNBN, river of poo bit?

Anyway, one of my best friends has broken up with her DH because she has had a few affairs (see how I made that sound quite insignificant a few ).

She met at least one of them on a website for people seeking marital affairs (I had no idea there were them but apparently so). After having a long conversation with her about it, I went and had a look at this site and identified the man she was seeing from what she said about him.

Here comes the kicker...... He's my other best friend's husband.

and she has no idea!

Friend 1 has no idea I know that she's dating friend 2 and friend 2 has no idea she's married to a worthless scumbag who has told such a tapestry of formulaic lies to friend 1 (including the classic 'my wife doesn't understand me and we never have sex' )

I'm avoiding both of them. I don't know what to tackle first. Frankly I reckon friend 2 gets priority since she could conceivably discover his internet whoring with a few clicks. Or do I tell HIM to stop fucking around and hopefully put the lid on the whole lot (I'm not hopeful).

DH reckons I should invite the whole lot of them around for dinner but he's just a big meanie.

Kind women on Mumsnet, what the heck do I do now!?

HiHowAreYou I can't imagine ever thinking it would be a good idea to nose around on a sordid local website where people look for sex and affairs. There's probably all sorts of things there you wouldn't want to be put in the position of finding out about!

Indeed. I do not recommend it. I was astonished such a place existed is all. I must have spent all of two minutes on there then turned it off.

I am going to tell friend 2 tomorrow. I am going to tell her I've seen him on this site. That's all. She's an intelligent woman, she'll work the rest out. Now I just need an excuse for me being on there looking

If she gets mad at me, so be it.

Friend 1, I have no idea what to do for her.

Also, for those of you worrying about STIs - they are using condoms - not infallible I know but better than a poke in the eye with a lumpy stick.

When you tell her, tell her that you know he is seeing someone because otherwise you will get the "I only registered because........I havent actually done anything" and his profile will disappear. She will want to believe him and it may all get brushed under the carpet.

I think you need to tell her everything tbh, its the only way she can deal with it properly. Giving her half a story would be cruel.

Please tell her the whole story. I am intelligent and ex Dp pulled the wool over my eyes about being on that site.

Wait, so the friend having an affair is still a friend, but the man having the affari is a scumbag?

affair

Good luck OP, hope it's gone ok.

Well that was one of the most uncomfortable conversations I've ever had. I told her everything. Including that he was seeing someone I knew and that I'd only pulled it all together a few days ago. She went very quiet and asked me to leave. He was at work at the time. I'm going to head over there later and bury his corpse see how she is dealing with things. She's currently running silent though - not on FB, email, nothing.

Today I'm going to go talk to friend 1 and tell her what I've done. I don't expect I'll receive silence in return this time. She'll be bloody furious.

Well done OP, that must have been difficult.

As for friend 1, she may well be furious but she is knowingly seeing a married man. There was always going to be potential for aggravation and recrimination.

Good luck anyway

You seem to feel sorry for your friend who has had loads of affairs?

why is this she is just as bad as your friend 2's husband.

Well done OP, update us.

Sorry to hear that your friend2 didn't seem to take your intervention that well, but I'm sure she will appreciate you telling her once she comes to terms with it. Leave her in peace and if she wants to talk to you, she knows you have her best interests at heart and that she can trust you, that's worth a lot. You did the right thing.

As for F1, fuck her quite frankly.

*brightandbusytailed - I do worry for F1 because I think she's teetering on the edge of a breakdown and not actually thinking straight. :(

I'm not excusing her behaviour, it's treacherous. But I don't think she'd do that if she was not literally hanging onto reality with a thread. In some ways I feel pretty cross with the man involved for taking advantage of her.

But I'm going to have to warn her F2 knows (and knows where she lives) so it's going to be another trying day.

Why can't the buggers keep it in their pants. I manage not to screw around on my husband. Our marriage isn't perfect but jeez, some people seem to have so little self control.

Good luck.

Poor F2.
Scumbag husband of F2

Lowlife F1.

Incidentally, another family member has used these sites. He says that there are loads and loads and loads of miserable women, ignored by husbands, or dumped with kids - whose kids have now grown up and are looking for no string or friends/benefits type things. So there are a lot of female marrieds on there.

Re; F1 "the man involved for taking advantage of her" - nah, she knew what she signed up for. She's responsible for the end of her marriage.

F2's husband "he's told her they are all but finished and sexually defunct (which is not true)" tbh, you don't really know, unless you were there. XW was claiming we were swinging from the chandeliers when we hadn't slept together in months. And months.

Jimmeny - sorry to go totally off topic here but just had to say "Pom Bear anyone?"

Did we ever find out what those dinner party guests were up to? That was the funniest thread ever!

Sorry your friends are causing such problems for you and each other, sounds sordid.

Onemorechap - I know they are not abstaining, F2 sadly had a miscarriage a few months ago. :(

jimmenycricket Mon 20-Aug-12 12:43:09
Onemorechap - I know they are not abstaining, F2 sadly had a miscarriage a few months ago.

He really is a scumbag then. Were they trying for children? If so, perhaps it's as well she knows now...

I would tell friend 1 that you KNOW the man she is having an affair with, that his marriage is not in the state he claims, and that morally you feel you have no option but to tell friend 2 what os going on, but that you care for her (friend 1) and want her to know before it all hits the fan so she can be prepared for the fallout. I would then gp straight to friend 2 and explain what you know. I think it imperative that you don't tell friend 2 at this point that you feel her DH is taking advantage of f1, otherwise she may feel you are siding with f1.

if you were my friend, I would absolutely want to know, and I think that if she finds out anyway, which she very possibly will, she would be heartbroken to know you were friends with f1, must have had an inkling, and said nothing.

You have my sympathy it's an awful situation to be in!

Sorry, just fininshed the tread and see you have told her already. You are a good friend! Well done you.

If you have valuables/breakables move them to to a safe place at the potential dinner party. I think you need to tell your friend face to face. This is so bad, so sorry x

You have done the right thing by f2. Well done. It can't have been easy.

Oh well done.

Hope you don't get caught in the crossfire.

You did the right thing.

Well I have lit the blue touchpaper with both and retired to a safe distance. It's surprisingly calm. Hopefully they will all do the right thing and leave this horrid man, but somehow I doubt it :(

Thanks all for the advice.

I hope things work out ok for you OP. They'll probably need time to get their heads round things whatever they're thinking of doing. Was F1 calm or angry when you told her?

F1 was devastated, she had secret ambitions for this to be a whole new start for her with new man etc. :( But I've spoken to her this morning and she seems reconciled. Ironically she's now getting on slightly better with her estranged husband!