To not want my dh to remind me I'm just a single mother with kids who he 'took on'?

[Northwentsouth]

Bit of background: this is my 2nd marriage. Exh was verbally abusive & used to smash things up, never showed affection for years, lived separate lives. Been with dh for 6 years, married 3. He's becoming the same person as exh. Goes off at deep end for the smallest things and continually threatens to leave unless I change ever more aspects of myself. Recently he has started throwing the fact that I should be grateful he took my kids and I on as I'm just a single mum. I'm so unhappy. Aibu to expect more from love/marriage?

Please do not quote as may delete at later stage. Thank you.

You poor thing You deserve to be treated much better than this. Can't believe I'm about to say it but leave the bastard.

Off to a counsillor with you to resolve the pattern of your relationships if they keep repeating on you hun.

I've been alone for 8 years and you know what? Life's better alone with my sprog, than acting as a permanent prop to shore up someone else's fragile, insecure likkle ego.

Marriage is a team effort.

Well it certainly doesn't sound like he's doing you a huge favour "taking on" you and your kids, what with your husband being such a knobhead and everything. I don't know you and I think you deserve better. So do your children. None of you should have to put up with this shit. Get out asap. Life is just too sort to live like this.

He sounds like a prick. The man I am seeing (have been for a while now) feels honored to be able to play a role in DSs life, and that's the way it should be, he should feel damn honored. So should your "h".

You don't deserve this crap again.

Hello. We're going to move this thread to Relationships now. Sorry for our slowness with this.

You did it once, he is obviously too stupid to realise that though. You CAN do it again. Your life and that of your DC will be better for it.

Very clever Helen, I was half was through reading it and came along with it. Never really been here before.

Been there, had one of those and with it the first abusive relationship of my life. He is doing a great job playing on your insecurities. Out of interest have your DCs reached a new stage ie teenagers, able to be more articulate? Is he feeling jealous? It's not an excuse but the abuse may come because he feels threatened and insecure himself - attack as the best form of defence? It doesn't excuse it one little bit and he needs to go away and grow up and believe me you don't deserve any little bit of what he is doing.

No you aren't being unreasonable to expect more, and the idea that you should be grateful is astonishing! Normal, loving men do not expect their wives to be grateful, nor do they insist they change aspects of themselves; they love them for who they are, not who they think they should be.

You and your children deserve much better than having such an arsewipe in your lives.

He's got a nerve and you certainly don't need a tosser like that bringing you down. You should be grateful??? Unless he's having a hell of a bad day, comes back with one hell of an apology for this and starts appreciating you properly I'd say 'get rid'. You and your kids could do a lot better without this over-blown idiot.

Thank you all for your replies. It's reassuring to hear that none of you think this behaviour is reasonable.

Kids are 12/16 and lovely, no trouble. Dh has been like this a while and I don't receive apologies, he asks me to apologise for making him the way he is.

I know it's wrong, writing it makes it even more aparent.

Bochead, I underwent 6 months of counselling approx 14 months ago. I feel I've resolved a lot of past issues as a result. Trouble is, I've changed - he hasn't.

Yes, OP he's a classic abusive one alright. Spouting ownership all over the place isn't he

Time to make plans to get shot isn't it.

Ah. So it's all your fault, isn't it?

What do you plan to do about it all then?

Winky, I've got enough self esteem left to realise he is responsible for the way he reacts, not me. He could leave the room if he wanted to but chooses not to.

Me? I've spent the afternoon baking with dd and then calling the tax credit people to work out my entitlement after I ask him to leave. I'm about to set up a sole current account and then make plans moving forward. I won't allow anyone to make a mug of me again. My kids don't deserve this either, they are my rays of sunshine!

he asks me to apologise for making him the way he is.

That right there, on its own, is the only evidence you'll ever need that he's a twunt of the highest order. Glad you're working on things. The children are not his, there should be no complications. Scrape him off OP. Now is the time for you to be enjoying your children until they finish school/go to college etc. I'm sure you won't regret it :)

Northwentsouth he sounds awful. I'm so pleased you are going to get away from him before he grinds away all of your confidence.

crap stepfather and crap husband. You owe it to your children and to yourself to not have him in your lives

oh didn't see your latest post - good for you!!

Northwentsouth, you're very strong. Good for you!

Well done OP, that's a huge thing. Best of luck to you. x

Sounds like a good decision. He's not very pleasant to you.

What a prick. He should be bloody lucky you let him into your lives. Glad you are throwing the arsehole out.

I think being a single parent sometimes far outweighs being with someone. Stay strong and good luck to you and I would also like to say what a good role model you are being for not allowing this man to continue to treat you in this way by getting out.

good luck xx

I'm happy to hear you are making plans for the future.

Well done- hope all goes well. Glad you realise that he didn't deserve you - he was very lucky that you took him on and that your DCs put up with him.