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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

On the verge of throwing the meal in the bin and ringing DH's mum to tell her why.

79 replies

outthedoor · 16/08/2012 16:32

It is his birthday. He was working from home today but had to go into the office for 'an hour' earlier. I haven't heard from him since. Not answering phone, no reply to text.

His mother is on the way, I've cooked a nice meal and have a cake.

I can't believe it has happened again. It's not the first time although never on a special occasion or with someone coming.

I am almost in tears. Two little dc don't know anything is up. I feel like running away.

OP posts:

MadameCupcake · 16/08/2012 21:39

DH and I both have high level stressful jobs but if we had made plans to be home or said we were popping into work for an hour we would call/text out of courtesy - I would have thought anyone that cares if they were about to go into a meeting or something instead of going home after an hour would call or text.

The going out thing sounds a bit dodgy - I would be livid if DH did this although I would understand more on a night out as sometimes plans change and you go on somewhere but you should be contactable by mobile!

It sounds either a bit suspicious or a bit like he doesn't really care enough to bother - sorry if that sounds harsh.

AlaskaNebraska · 16/08/2012 21:52

Sleeping at the office. Hmm.
Id check his phone.

tinkertitonk · 16/08/2012 22:54

Wow, one time he sleeps in the office and he's having an affair? Get a grip. OP, get two grips, you are being absurd.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/08/2012 23:13

This doesnt sound right at all. Sorry OP but he disappeared on his birthday and made it back "at the last minute".

He knew what the plans were. He is his own boss. He hadnt the decency to text to let you know what the hold up was.

If he genuinely got held up at workwhat are the chances that he was able to get back just in time?

It sounds very suspicious.

Triffiddealer · 17/08/2012 00:14

No, it's not right. Something's not right.

Tell us more about the form. It's not just this one thing, is it? (which IS shitty - you all made an effort for HIS birthday and he fucked off), it's an accumulation, I'm guessing.

Can you articulate it?

NatashaBee · 17/08/2012 01:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loshad · 18/08/2012 22:04

I don't smell bullshit. He's his own boss, popped into work, found something that needed doing, got caught up in it, forgot the time, but was still back in time for birthday tea - really no problem. OP i don't want to be unkind but perhaps you don't have enough to think about/occupy your brain. I'm sure you are busy with the dcs, but i think you are letting your imagination run away with you.

MrMiyagi · 19/08/2012 01:24

God what a controlling wife you sound OP.

merrymouse · 19/08/2012 07:09

FGS, when are some of you people living - 1972?

This behaviour is just plain rude. At the very least, (whether you have children or not), if somebody is preparing something for your birthday you turn up when you say you will, or you call to say you are late - this would even be the case in 1972 (for instance) when you had to carry around coins and find a pay phone, but there is no excuse now when anybody can send a quick text - as far as I am aware, many phones even have a "running late" pre-loaded text message.

It is completely true that it is possible to "get caught up in your work", but when you have children there always comes a moment when whatever you are doing you have to put work on hold and collect them from school/nursery etc. etc.

Now I realise, that the OP's DH had left his children in the care of a responsible adult, so it's not quite the same as having to stop work to pick up children. However if these were my children they would have been constantly badgering me with "When's daddy coming home, I can't wait for daddy to come home", and I might have had plans for those hours when he didn't turn up. He should have stopped for 30 seconds to call or text his wife.

The idea that you can't stop when a meeting starts to over run (if he were in a meeting) and spend 30 seconds sending a text (unless it were a meeting with the mafia) is barmy. So no, the OP is not being controlling, she is just expecting to be treated with politeness and respect.

I really hope she has sorted this out in a calm manner with her DH and they are having a great weekend.

womblingalong · 19/08/2012 07:19

Give the OP a break, he doesn't sound the most reliable of husbands, and should have at least texted if he was considerably later than he said he would be.

Also previous lying and disappearing would make me a bit suspicious tbh.

futureunknown · 19/08/2012 07:24

I agree it was not the being later than he said but it was the not phoning and not replying to texts that was annoying.

I would not have been as bothered as you are OP though as my DH can get caught up in work things/emergencies and then is home later than planned and he often doesn't ring in these situations. I am used to it, there isn't anything sinister going on.

AGilchrist · 19/08/2012 07:33

this is a funny one.
Based on the OP only I would say its an over reaction. Dh pops to his business and is sometimes longer than expected if something has come up.
But he would never be late back without contacting if we had plans.
However he wasn't late.
but its strange he got caught up and couldn't message but still managed to make it out on time.
The fact that he has form for disappearing is worrying.
When dh is a work I can always contact him, even if he is busy at that moment, he will send a quick text answering whatever I have left on his voice mail.
I would be concerned that he is going off the map and uncontactable.
Could you phone the office if that's where he is. I would just say 'hi its ...wife. Can I speak to him?'.

exoticfruits · 19/08/2012 07:39

I agree- phone the office and ask to speak to him.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 19/08/2012 07:47

Expecting someone to be on time for something they had planned themselves and roped you in to do all the cooking/preparing is not controlling miyagi, go back to AIBU.

I would be concerned with his behaviour and tell him how you feel, maybe he just needs a bit of a reality check to remember he also has a wife and family he has responsibilities to. I hope it's nothing else.

MadamFolly · 19/08/2012 09:48

Slept in the office? I smell a rat.

exoticfruits · 19/08/2012 10:24

I smell a few rats.

MushroomSoup · 19/08/2012 10:28

I smell bullshit.

BerylStreep · 19/08/2012 11:33

It all sounds quite plausible until I read, slept at the office.

MysteriousHamster · 19/08/2012 11:46

People are really hard in Relationships at the moment. It's not AIBU.

Someone has posted for advice and support - and has mentioned it's not the first time their husband has done this. He was late to a meal he organised, without saying he would be so - how the fuck does that make the OP controlling?

Jesus.

She obviously has her reasons for being suspicious and/or annoyed, a few little things all having a cumulative affect.

OP, deep down are you worried he's avoiding family or possibly seeing someone else? Depending on your relationship, do you think he would be honest if asked about it, or is it worth a look on his phone?

Looksgoodingravy · 19/08/2012 13:39

OP for what it's worth I would be annoyed if dp had popped out for an hour and then proceeded to disappear for the afternoon after inviting his mum for a meal, it doesn't take a second to text, 'running late, see you at (time)!' it's thoughtless to not contact you, that's what mobiles are for!

Looksgoodingravy · 19/08/2012 13:42

I would also be concerned about his behaviour.

How is he at home, has he seemed distant lately?

StealthPolarBear · 19/08/2012 15:09

I wonder whether the OP's DH would have done this to his friends or colleagues?

AKissIsNotAContract · 19/08/2012 15:12

My dad used the 'slept in the office' excuse when he was having an affair.

Chandon · 19/08/2012 15:21

Slept at the office? No, sorry, nobody really does that ever. Bosses don t want their drunk employees crashing in the office, trust me. Also mst offices get lcked up for the night. That is a weird story, sorry

Original poster

outthedoor · 19/08/2012 23:51

Sorry to disappear. Had a family thing on this weekend and haven't had a chance to speak to dh about it.
My main issue is the no contact thing. If he says he has to pop in to the office for something and doesn't specify a time, thats fine. He does do that and with his work he can't always know how long things will take. I get that. But he has a habit of saying he will definitely be x amount of time or home at x time and then doesn't turn up and doesn't answer his phone. It happens with work, on nights out, when he goes off to play a match with the lads.
I am a SAHM and it's like he takes no responsibilty for the kids as i will always just be there.
He also agrees to things without asking if i have any plans.
I feel trapped because if he doesn't arrive back i can't just walk away.
We have discussed it before and it improves for a while and then gradually slips back to the old way.
Just want to say the sleeping at the office thing is possible in his case. He rents the place as is self employed and has keys and alarm codes etc.
Deep down i don't think he is cheating but he does take me for granted.

OP posts:

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