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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship

66 replies

sarah909 · 15/08/2012 16:56

I am in a new relationship of 3 months and things seem to be going well so far.

I have never had a long term relationship although i would love to have one.

My boyfriend i am seeing is 47 and i am 27.

We see eachother once a week and sometimes at the weekends. We are both busy but have said that we will make time for each other.

I don't have a lot of relationship experience so is 3 months too soon to know if they are 'the one'?

My boyfriend has explicitally stated he doesn't want a fully committed relationship and by that i mean moving in. We are exclusive though.

He does like his own space and has said he is not sure whether he wants to live with someone again however he has said that could change. I hadn't thought that far ahead but the idea of having a relationship with someone and then not living together eventually does not appeal to me in the slightest.

I agree you need your own space but you can have your own space within your partners home i believe by doing your own interests.

Perhaps anyone has some useful advice?

Sarah

OP posts:
thatstripedthing · 15/08/2012 17:06

i hate to be the one saying this to you, but run. you are at very different stages of your lives, and the best i can say for him is that he hasn't lied to you. you have so much of your own life experiences to come - but he has had a lot of his. I am sure he is lovely and wonderful company, but he is being honest with you. at 47 he is highly unlikely to change his mind

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 17:09

oh dear

when someone tells you something, listen

I see a whole lot of heartache and wasted time for you here, if you hang on with such differing expectations from him

if what you want is a fully committed, co-habiting relationship (and there is nothing wrong with that), I don't think he is the one for you

don't waste your best years trying to get him to change

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 17:10

Is this to do with the age range @ thatstripedthing?

OP posts:
MattDamonIsMyLover · 15/08/2012 17:12

Age difference as it impacts on expectations, life experience, energy levels, career interests etc.

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 17:14

I can here a 'told you so' from my sister, mum and dad here. What is harder is we have a lot of common interests but thats not enough is it.

OP posts:
Shybairns · 15/08/2012 17:18

Are you sure he is not married? Does he have kids? Why has he already limited your future together?
This sounds like it will onlt become more difficult. I would walk away before you are even more broken hearted.

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 17:18

What makes you think he is married shybairns?

OP posts:
geegee888 · 15/08/2012 17:40

Sounds like its all on his terms, and for his benefit. You obviously want different things. I think you could end up feeling very used once the sheen of newness of the relationship wares off. Perhaps there is a reason he is seeing someone 20 years younger than himself - someone older and possibly less naive would tell him to take a running jump!

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 17:42

I had quite a few things in common with Harold Shipman.

Not a relationship does it make, no, not when there are such glaring differences for which there is no real compromise.

One person has to give way. Do you think it will be the 47yo with tons more life experience who has already told you how it's going to be, thus setting his stall out plainly.

Or the 27yo with little experience of long term relationships (and sounds a bit too desperate for one, sorry)

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 17:43

do you want children, OP ?

izzyizin · 15/08/2012 17:51

You may be 'exclusive', honey, but I wouldn't be too sure that he is.

Another one saying 'bin him'. He's too set in his ways for you and every other female on the planet

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:00

To Anyfucker i disagree with you saying i am desperate but i know what i want and know myself better than anybody. I would like to get married yes and possibly have children but a life long partner is more important to me than children. I am not single through choice but because i never meet anyone compatible.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 15/08/2012 18:01

I don't have a lot of relationship experience so is 3 months too soon to know if they are 'the one'?

Do you think he is? I ask because you don't sound blown away by him. You're not saying "I really really like him, he's fab because of xyz reasons, I fancy him to bits, my heart goes bumpety-bump etc". That's normally, I think, what people would say if they were really into someone. Instead it's all these rather sterile and quickly advanced worries about where this is going long-term.

Three months isn't always enough to know if someone's a keeper, but the three months you seem to have had is not my idea of a good omen. Being in love is supposed to be nice, not a cause for worry. And if it's not fun and nice now, if battle lines on will-we-won't-we-move-in are already drawn, how much more fun and nice do you think it's going to get?

botoxschmotox · 15/08/2012 18:05

Alarm bells.

Exclusive yet not fully committed. Slight oxymoron, OP!

There's a lot against you in terms of you clearly want to think about settling down and doing the long term thing, and he is nowhere near wanting to do that in the near or distant future.

I'd consider other options; have a great time, go out loads, do things that you won't be able to do once you settle down and have kids. Find someone that has a similar expectation of their future to you.....they're out there...

You might be saving yourself months and years of heartache by nipping this one in the bud.

MigratingCoconuts · 15/08/2012 18:06

If you think marriage and children might even be a possibility for you in the future then leave this guy now. It's harsh to say but it's what you need to do.

his comments to you make it very clear that these are not things that he is looking for and don't fall into the trap of thinking you could change him round to these in the future.

Seriously, you need to look to your own personal needs, now and in the future.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2012 18:07

I wasn't meaning to be nasty OP

but you are quite clear that you want a long term, cohabiting relationship

so it is desperation to hang around for someone who more than likely won't give you that, and has made it perfectly plain

what else would you call it ?

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:09

@ Madbuslady How do you even know if your 'in love'? When he said though he isn't sure if he wants to live with someone again that made me think is this relationship going to go anywhere. I think maybe he is too set in his ways and likes his own company too much and he said to me he is never at home except in the evenings. He is one of these men always 'busy' seeing friends here there and everywhere. Whilst i do have my own life i.e. good career fitness industry and good hobbies a few close friends. I am very much a family orientated person and like being at home.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 15/08/2012 18:10

AF is right.

I have nothing against your bloke at all, he's probably lovely and he has been honest with you, which is fab..

But you will need to leave him if you want any type of long term relationship in your life that is meaningful to you.

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:14

@ AnyFucker sorry i know you were just being helpful so apologise. Yes i guess it does come across desperate and would be better off binning him. I know some of the posters on here have relationships with older men/women but i don't think i am cut out for them with someone that much older and the signs are already showing.

What is everyones definition of a fully committed relationship anyway? I think his is seeing each other every week and having a holiday but thats about it.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 15/08/2012 18:17

The age thing is irrelevant.

The only relevant thing is do you want the same thing in a relationship?

Which you don't appear to. Sad

MadBusLady · 15/08/2012 18:19

How do you know you're in love? Well, it sounds cheesy, but honestly you just bloody know. Smile If you don't know, you're probably not. It sounds like you're analysing the difference in lifestyles correctly to me. He lives a certain way, you live another way.

Put it this way, if you could imagine a person who enjoys all the same things you do, wants all the same things you do, and who you feel completely natural and happy with AND they happen to have a penis and you fancy the pants off them, then wouldn't you rather be with them than Mr Saturday Afternoon on the Golf Course? I don't know he plays golf, it is an educated guess Wink. If so, then you have to be single in order to meet this other person unfortunately.

also, don't immediately dismiss Shybairns' suggestion. How much do you know about this man's life? Have you been to his place or are you always round at yours or out? Is he divorced/separated? Does he have kids already? Have you met the friends he spends so much time with? Not saying she's right, but it did cross my mind as a possibility as well.

JustFabulous · 15/08/2012 18:20

You need to want the same things to make it worth your while.

I didn't listen when my ex said he never wanted marriage and children. I thought living with him was better than not having him at all.

Kidding myself.

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:21

I have never met his friends or his parents. Yes he has children but they are early 20's. He has been separated 20 years but not divorced. I have not been to his place yet and we have only ever eaten out.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 15/08/2012 18:24

Oh dear....

MadBusLady · 15/08/2012 18:25

Run like the wind.