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Original poster

New relationship

66 replies

sarah909 · 15/08/2012 16:56

I am in a new relationship of 3 months and things seem to be going well so far.

I have never had a long term relationship although i would love to have one.

My boyfriend i am seeing is 47 and i am 27.

We see eachother once a week and sometimes at the weekends. We are both busy but have said that we will make time for each other.

I don't have a lot of relationship experience so is 3 months too soon to know if they are 'the one'?

My boyfriend has explicitally stated he doesn't want a fully committed relationship and by that i mean moving in. We are exclusive though.

He does like his own space and has said he is not sure whether he wants to live with someone again however he has said that could change. I hadn't thought that far ahead but the idea of having a relationship with someone and then not living together eventually does not appeal to me in the slightest.

I agree you need your own space but you can have your own space within your partners home i believe by doing your own interests.

Perhaps anyone has some useful advice?

Sarah

OP posts:
Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:25

@ JustFabulous can i ask how would you feel if you had of been married? Would you of felt more committed and more secure than just living together?

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 15/08/2012 18:30

To the ex?

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:30

yes @ justfabulous Sarah

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 15/08/2012 18:32

For future reference, separated but not divorced for twenty years is a massive, massive alarm bell. Yes, there can be a real case of it occasionally, but most people who separate like to move on with their lives. If someone says they're separated but not divorced, be very clear that they have their own place, that you've seen it, that they genuinely live there, and that all their friends know them to be "separated but not divorced" too.

You sound nice and you say you don't have a lot of experience. I think he is taking advantage of you and is still very much married, sorry.

JustFabulous · 15/08/2012 18:33

I have wanted to get married and have kids since I was young. Never had security and thought it would give me some Hmm. Been engaged 3 times. Blush. Very very very relieved I never married my ex.

Now happily married to DH who I met soon after giving the twatty ex another chance. We lived together before marriage and felt different after the wedding. Happy and settled and secure now but that is equally to do with the man I am with as much as the wedding band I wear.

ElizabethX · 15/08/2012 18:35

Does his wife not understand him?

thatstripedthing · 15/08/2012 18:37

OP, my god - please don't think everyone is against you here. i am afraid that the sad fact of the matter is that we are trying to do you a favour. this is so much more than just and age thing (even though you come from practically different generations). you may find it patronising, but the life experiences that you have in your 30's are what really shapes you. that boys not for turning. but - as i said earlier - he hasn't lied to you, you need to listen to what he is saying

FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 18:38

Hi Sarah,
I have only ever gone for older men and over the last few years have had short-lived relationships with 3 men, all in their 40's. Looking back, they ALL had massive warning signs which I chose to ignore. These included, never letting me come to their house, never letting me meet family/friends, blocking me on FB after a few weeks of going out, only coming over on a set night, once a week.... I could go on. I'm certain at least one of them must have been married, though at the time I wouldn't have heard of it. You KNOW deep down there's something not right here, you can do better!

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:41

Am genuinely happy for you JustFabulous. I actually met the guy off the internet and am very reluctant to give internet dating another go and instead stick to meeting people in real life. Met him off Plenty of Fish.

OP posts:
Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:44

@ Fermez what was the reason they gave you for not meeting their family/friends?

OP posts:
Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:45

@thatstripedthing if anything your actually doing me a favour and i don't think anyone is being patronising. You have all been helpful and really appreciate it.

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 15/08/2012 18:47

There is no doubt in my mind that this man is married... So sorry.

FermezLaBouche · 15/08/2012 18:48

Sarah - me (the old me) being a total wanker, never pushed it. Never even asked. This man (who is the one I suspect was attached in some way or another) told me all his friends were mutual friends with his ex, so it wouldn't be fair on her, blah blah. Deep down I wasn't comfortable with this, especially as it didn;t explain why he wouldn't meet my friends. He literally came round on a Saturday night, ate my food, had sex and got a bed for the night.

I'm so disgusted in letting this happen that I've been resolutely single for months, until I can trust my own bloody judgement. And I love it actually, for the most part! (Solo bill-paying is a PITA tho!)

Can I ask the same question back to you? Has he given reasons for you not meeting friends/going to his home?

SundaysGirl · 15/08/2012 18:48

You have never been to his house and only rarely see him at weekends? He isn't by chance hard to get hold of at the weekends or in the evenings you don't spend together is he?

Thing is, it MAY not be the case but being 'seperated' for 20 years, not letting you meet his family or friends or go to his house plus the fact he's made it very clear he won't live with you all point to the fact he is still very much married. Don't EVER believe someone is actually not still with their wives unless they have involved you in their life to the point where you stay at their house and meet their friends..how do you know you are not his mistress?

The one night a week you do see him how does your night usually go? Does he stay overnight at your house? How available to talk is he outside of the itme you spend together?

I'm really sorry but it all points to him being married. Even if he is in fact seperated, and has been for twenty years Hmm you both want different things.

MadBusLady · 15/08/2012 18:58

On the bright side, you're not heartbroken (I think) and you've improved your crap man radar without any lasting damage to yourself.

Internet dating is trickier than RL dating in many ways, I think. It's like email, in that you have to learn to separate out the few genuine bits from the massive amounts of spam. It would quite suit me because I'm a total vinegar-soaked cynic Grin

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 18:59

The only reasons he gives me is he is busy and likes his own space. He can be difficult to get hold of. Me and him only live 6 miles away from each other and at this stage of a relationship once a week is not much to see eachother is it? We only see eachother for 4 hours of an evening which seems to go quick.

I cant see me ever meeting his parents though do i really need to at the end of the day?

OP posts:
Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 19:04

Regarding living together with someone how soon is too soon or is there no time limit? For me there is no time limit but because i have never lived with anyone (romantic wise) i genuinely unsure. But to me being exclusive should include living together (at some point).

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panicnotanymore · 15/08/2012 19:04

I would put money (a lot of money) on you not being the only woman in his life. You are his ego boost. A depressing number of the forty-something men I know have done this. They all run home to their wives.... if their wives will have them back that is.... and if they won't what are you left with? A bitter miserable man who has gone from having it all to losing it all. Not such a catch.

panicnotanymore · 15/08/2012 19:06

You only see him for 4 hours????

He's NOT separated.... he's very much married.

crazyhead · 15/08/2012 19:08

Whether or not this guy is indeed married, you don't want the same things, and that can only lead to heartache and failure down the line. At three months you can just walk away from the situation and write it off as an experience, whereas if you give it much longer it will be much harder.

Don't lose your confidence over this, or let it stop you from getting out there and dating again if you want. Many of us have found the right relationship by learning from a few wrong ones - the trick is to be clear on you want before you commit, and not to hang around too long in the ones that aren't right.

Three months is a really sensible time to be making this decision, so good for you. And 27 gives you plenty of time to meet the right man (if you want kids that is).

SundaysGirl · 15/08/2012 19:08

Oh no..um bit personal but is it dinner and then back to yours for sex and then he goes home? Once a week for most of the time? Sad

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 19:11

@ Crazyhead you don't think i was thinking too soon of living with this guy then?

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 15/08/2012 19:11

No one knows if he is married or not but the fact is this relationship isn't going the way you would like so that should be enough of a reason to stop seeing him.

Original poster
sarah909 · 15/08/2012 19:13

@SundaysGirl like i say we only see each other about 3 or 4 times a month so perhaps that in itself should of been alarm bells ringing as looking back now does not show real committment getting to know someone does it. Plus we are only 6 miles away. I feel i have to cut my losses and move on.

OP posts:
OhEmGee24 · 15/08/2012 19:14

Ok so you see him 4 hours a week and you've never been to his? To be blunt is it just a quick shag then bye? The age thing isn't an age thing per se but definitely lots of red flags here. You're 27, run and enjoy yourself.