sharing childcare / housework - does your dh do much?

[frustratedmum2]

My dd is 5yrs old, and we both work full time, dh works 3 hrs more than me per week, shift work. I would like him to leave dd to school 2 mornings a week if he is on rest days, leave or lates (2.30pm-9.30pm) so I can get into work at 7am and beat the morning traffic rush, hence then getting away early and beating the evening rush, home in nice time to get dd and do dinner, otherwise I end up working 10am - 6pm. Up until now I have been working a really long day once or twice a week so he can do one morning and lie in bed all other mornings when not at work. He maintains he finds it hard to get up in the mornings as he does not sleep well (prob because he does not get up half the morning). He is a night owl and does help around the house, does dishes if I cook, loads dishwasher, laundry, his own ironing. This is causing a lot of arguments, though he is offering to do more cooking and bedtimes. I used to work less and basically did everything and as my hours increased I continued to do that until it dawned on me it was not very fair! At this rate I am wondering if I can get someone to come to the house and do the school drop one day per week, unfortunately the breakfast club is too late a start to beat the traffic.

He needs to get his lazy arse out of bed and parent his child. You should not need to look for childcare when the child's dad is available.

I'd love to know the answer. Will be watching the thread with interest. I have quite a few similar situations with my DH. Not quite of the same magnitude, but everyday smaller ones, like moaning about me asking him to finish cleaning the kitchen that he solemnly promised to clean. I just get a feeling that these situations are about men not wanting to be inconvenienced. Somewhere deep inside they still see themselves as above housework, above those little bothersome things that need to be organised and completed to make the domestic life run smoothly. They still think that they "help" their women and not owning the work themselves. They may profess to be modern and all for equality of genders, but deep inside they are still in the 50s. So they are just not arsed. I wish I knew how to change it as it drives me to livid anger and is putting a strain on my marriage.

DP had to be asked because he simply doesn't see the mess/tedious jobs that need doing.

He does cook almost every night and does most of the food shopping. From time to time he loads/unloads the dishwasher. However
He has to be asked to Hoover/mop/clean the kitchen.
When he's asked he does it without moaning.

Am starting to think that way myself, I love to be busy so was doing every bedtime, every dinner, getting up every morning, walking the dog, cutting the grass, weeding, entertaining dd while he worked and slept, played on computer etc. I was off ill and only then did i even question the division of work in our house, he is now offering to cook (basic food), do more bedtimes. To be honest with one child and neither of us doing massive hours it is not that difficult but I would really like to get my working day over earlier. All I am asking is for him to get up, dressed, ensure dd is dressed and had a weetabix (which she does herself even!) and he has to drive her the 2 min journey round the corner to school and go back to bed for the rest of the day if he wants. I suspect he would rather collect her and do dinner than get up early given the choice but that leaves me still working late, though I wouldnt have to do dinner.

Sounds to me like he is offering to do other stuff to get out of doing the one thing you really need him to do, which isn't really fair.

Can you say 'no, what would work better for me and the kids is if you do the drop off on these mornings'?

Dh plays with, bathes, pjs on and bottle.feeds dd every night when he gets in from work. I cook.dinner while he does this so once dd is in bed we can both eat and relax.

At the weekend, he gets up one morning amd I the other. When he is off on holiday, he does 2 out of three mornings while I lie in til about 9.

He does about a load or twos worth of laundry per week.
He does the dishes in the morning from the previous night (if he gets up early with dd)

If and when he wants to take dd out he sorts everything for her, such as changebag, milk, snacks etc.

He keeps the garden tidy.

He is pretty great. He isnt perfect necessarily as he doesnt really cook, cant drive, and leaves his shot everywhere but these are irrelevant in the main.

When I go back to work (I work shifts), childcare is only booked for the times when we are both at work.

I don't see any reason why he can't do this. Just tell him- on these 2 days you will be leaving early, his DD would be his responsibility. Don't enable his laziness.

I don't know why women put up with any less than 50:50, I really don't.

If you can afford it I would get someone to come to your house for 2 mornings a week to get your dd ready and take her to school so you can get off early.

If your DH has any conscience he will not be able to lie in bed while someone else is in the house doing this and will put an end to it and do it himself.

If your DH does not have any conscience then this won't happen and this will also tell you that no amount of discussion/arguement/cajoling will get him to do this either.

Either way you will have the end result you want - getting to work early and beating the rush. The only thing that may happen is that another person will know that your DH is not pulling his weight - but that is his problem not yours!

Don't give him the option- just get up and go to work then he will have the choice of either taking her to school or having a 5yo under his feet all day!

My DH, for all his faults ( sorry, still mad with him after an argument last night grr) does do his fair share of both housework and childcare. We take turns in taking a day off if one of the kids is ill. He has rearranged his working day so he can take DD2 to preschool one day a week from Sept. And he is much better at cooking and cleaning than me! He also works long hours in a stressful job in the city.

Glasscompletelybroken, why on earth should she pay for someone to look after her child just because her DH is too lazy to do it?
I despair sometimes.
Men are not poor, incapable beings who can't function. Women who treat them as if they are are doing us all a disservice.

Why are you asking him to do it?
Just say "I wil be leaving for work at x time, you need to get dd ready for school and drop her off" and do it.

I assume he won't just ignore her if you are not there?

DP works full time-6 days a week 8am-3:30pm he has no break at work so he can come home earlier. It's an intense job,he runs a busy kitchen entirely on his own,cooks cashes up serves,everything.

He gets up at 5am with our DD (4yrs) and makes her breakfast,when DS wakes at around 6am,he brings him down stairs,changes his nappy and makes him breakfast too.

Then he make us coffee,and wakes me at 7am.

He load the washing machine.

He gets himself ready,and goes to work.

He comes straight home from work,cycles and is home by 3:40pm

He unloads the washing/tumble drier,and the dishwasher,and does the bins.

He plays with the DC and lets me rest/read/cook/whatever.

Then,often he makes dinner,or washes up when I have.

Then he clears up after dinner.

Gets one of the DC ready for bed.

Puts DS to bed which often takes quite a while!

When the DC are asleep he tidys up their toys,wipes down surfaces or hovers whatever needs doing.

Then we both collapse in a heap

disclaimer this looks like I do sod all,but I just haven't listed the things I do,because this thread is about what DP's do! If he doesn't want to do one of those things,I'd probably do it,and if I didn't want to do one of the things I regularly do,he'd do it.

We are equal,we are a team.
He thinks what I do all day (SAHM) is exhausting,I think his job is exsahsting too.

I also work weekends so on a Sunday he has them all day,on his own.and does all the stuff I'd normally do.

Sorry,that was really bloody long!!

fairyfriend, I could try this but it will lead to such a bad atmosphere, in over 10 years we have hardly ever argued, we get on great but that means when an argument happens its a big deal. I really dont like confrontation but feel I need to make a stand now. He didnt want children so I said I would do everything if we had a child so he throws that in to the mix - she is the best thing that happened to him and he will admit that and he is great with her he just uses that line to try to get out of doing something he dosent want to do.

glasscompletelybroken - am thinking that it might shame him into it but when she was a baby my mum came to our house to look after her and he managed to lie in bed then. But she was 1 - 2yr old, now she is 5 she is a breeze to look after. Money is not an issue, part of me just loses respect that he wants to be lazy and basically selfish.

Oh and night wakings,I BF so if DS wakes he goes to him and tries to settle him,if that doesn't work,he brings him into our bed so I can BF him to sleep.

My dp is pretty useless.
He will collect the dc's from school when he's on nights (so gets home at 6:30am and straight to bed and up at 2:30pm).
he also takes them when he is on lates (2pm-10pm).
If he's not working a weekend (my job is mon-fri 8:30am - 3:45pm) he will lay in bed until well after lunch time and will only get up because I start hoovering in the bedroom.
He also oversees them in the bath (they are 5 and 3).

I may be UR, he does work double what I do, but I just feel like I am a single parent.
It's always me that looks after/parents the children on weekends and holidays etc, he never does anything with them either on their own or all of us together, and when he does, he makes sure it's all of us together on the only day I could have a child free day.
Any kind of party/function we get invited to as a family, he won't attend so it's just me and the dc's, which means I rarely get the chance to enjoy these events.

When he does do things, he wants to be celebrated like some kind of hero, like this weekend gone, me and the dc's went away to visit some family. he stayed at home. He had a day off work and hoovered and did a few loads of washing. He thinks he's a fucking superstar but it's like, yeah, that's my normal saturday mate, just I have 2 toddlers hanging off me whilst you're in bed........

I'm also trying to study (to become qualified for the job I'm doing) but I also have to fit that around everything else. never has he even taken the kids out for an hour so I can catch up on stuff.

Anyway, enough moaning from me, I am trying to accept that things won't change.

The real joke of it, is that I went back to work so he could cut back a bit and spend some more time with the dc's, but he still chooses to go in on his rest days and then have the front to moan at me about how much he works.

I'm probably being UR moaning about the lack of support at home because he works sop much, but it really pisses me off that when he's at home, he's in bed.

TantrumsAndOlympicGoldBalloons, do such tactics really work though? Every time I try to do something like this with my DH (tell him that I will no longer be doing his laundry as long as he moans about me asking me to do housework, for instance), he goes into a massive huff and puff about how unreasonable I am being. We have a massive argument, and then he wants to "talk", promising me all sorts of improvements, improves for a couple of days or weeks at best and then all goes to how it was before. DH puts up a massive resistance, big arguments etc., when I try to treat him in the same way he treats me.

I agree with the others... I think you're too nice. :) - just say you're leaving for work and go. All these excuses about "finding mornings hard" are just that - excuses. I find mornings hard. Most people given the chance do, but as an adult and parent you just do it. Same as night feeds etc. I was the one that used to sleep 4am to 1pm as a teenager and now I'm doing 3 night feeds and getting up at 5.30am!! So he is being an arse. (I know night Feeds aren't mentioned here just giving my own example).

My dh does pretty much equal stuff to me. We really do share everything but I also never "ask" I just "do". (Ie I tell him I'm going to do xyz and hand over dc to him or just walk out saying bye and waving enthuisastically!!!)

looks like this hits home with quite a lot of mums out there, most of my friends dps are not much better. I dont want to look back in 10 yrs time and want to kick myself for being a walk over - we are due to get married soon and to be honest I am thinking of calling the whole thing off, I feel like I have seen him in a different light suddenly after all these years, sounds like a complete overreaction to a household chore problem but thats honestly the way I feel.

Fairyfriend - because at the moment the situation is causing her uneccessary stress and if she can afford to why not? I agree that her DH should do it and maybe he will be embarrassed enough to do so if she starts paying someone else to do it. if he doesn't then he was never going to - should she consign herself to carrying on with an unsatisfactory situation becuase her DH 'should' do something about it?

I am perfectly aware that 'Men are not poor, incapable beings who can't function' but they are individuals and he may be bringing other things to the relationship that he thinks balances out what he is not doing. relationships shouldn't be a competition to see who is doing the most.

You can't make people something they are not. If he isn't going to do it then what's the sense in causing stress and domestic unrest for years over it? I know it's the done thing on MN to just say "leave the bastard" but he presumably has other good qualities? None of us are perfect - there are quite probably things the OP's DH would like to change about her!

If it is within the OP's power/budget to organise some help to make her life easier then why not? We spend too much of our lives stressing about what 'should' happen but if it's not going to then stop stressing and do something else!

You have to do everything because you wanted the child?

You don't like arguing with him in case it causes an argument?

You'd rather pay for help than ask your own husband to parent his own child ?

He lay in his bed and allowed your mother to skivvy after him?

Wow. Just wow. You're doing a great job of teaching your daughter 'a woman's place', aren't you?

glasscompletelybroken - part of me agrees with you, he is a fun, generous person, great dad, tidy - ie never gets up without making the bed, never leaves dishes, clothes lying about (a bit OCD) so house is always tidy, looks after dd when I go to the gym once or twice a week. Yet part of me agrees with Fairyfriend and the others that he should get his lazy backside out of bed to make my life easier. Could always try to get someone and make sure he does plenty of dinners etc, could be the best of both worlds!

"leaves his shot everywhere " ooo errr!

he sounds great.